The Sushi Inexperience

by Barking Carnival Staff on May 27, 2008 8:09 AM CDT

As BBQ features begin to dominate the writing themes of the offseason, I have another bone to pick regarding a dining experience that doesn't involve an 8 weight animal. I don't get it. I find myself thoroughly pissed off every time my girlfriend and I leave a sushi restaurant. For some unknown reason, the social norm for a sushi experience involves groups of four. Typically, arranged by your significant other and involving her co-worker/college friend/etc., and their significant other. I have no problems enjoying group dinners and thrive on conversation during such a social outing.

I should preface this paragraph by stating that I really like a lot of sushi. A lot, not all. One problem I have is that I despise advocado, which automatically eliminates 80% of the items on a sushi menu. Salmon/tuna, any spicy roll without my green, oval adversary, I'm down for and will mow through in a timeframe that draws comparisons to Kobayashi. However, I have yet to figure out who started the social trend where I have to share my fucking food. Now, if I got to order for everyone at the table, no problems, but we all know this is not feasible. I typically roll my eyes as I see Hunter and Abby pull up to the valet in a Prius complete with Apple and Obama '08 sticker.

I become visibly frustrated as the menu browsing begins and Abby starts making claims on the greatness of the veggie rolls here at Sushi Zooshi. I might even curse under my breath. Hunter confirms Abby's opinion and also adds that this place has the best eel in Dallas. Fuck. Everybody submits their choices, and of course, my order is the only one that resembles that of a Kodiak Brown Bear. Now, if Hunter and Abby were true to their principles, there wouldn't be a problem here. Unfortunately, their orders look like the rations of a Viet Cong insurgent and their only chance of managing a full stomach is to immediately raid my menu choices. At this point, I would really like to bite or snarl at the next homosapien that reaches for my kill.

Dedfischer enjoying his order at Sushi Zooshi.

Now, I could probably move on and let it go, if the bill was split proportionately to what you ate, but we all know that's not how it works. Hunter and I split the $160.00 tab as blood rushes to my head, while I glare at a half-eaten veggie roll and an eel with 2 inches missing off his tail. Call it a lack of taste or what have you, but I don't like sharing my food and I don't expect you to share yours. That's why everybody at the table gets their own menu. Two pieces of spicy salmon roll and $80.00 later, I'm sitting in the drive-thru line at Taco Cabana.

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Comments

It’s hard for me to rationalize sushi as a dining option if an expense account is not involved.

by TTP, Fred on May 27, 2008 8:33 AM CDT reply actions

eel is the best shit on the sushi menu.

your primary problem appears to be your dining companions.

You would probably enjoy yourself if you just said “I don’t like avocado and therefore will just be ordering for myself. I will tell the waitress to split our respective orders and checks accordingly.”

No one would give a shit

by Cap'n on May 27, 2008 8:49 AM CDT reply actions

I’m totally on board with you, Fred, but Sushi is the cool thing to do these days. Unfortunately, most folks don’t appreciate a chicken fried steak as much as I do.

by dedfischer on May 27, 2008 8:49 AM CDT reply actions

Yeah, Cap’n, but I hate being the pain in the ass on one of these ventures. My policy for the last 12 months has been that I only eat sushi when it’s just myself and the lady. It works out pretty well and I have no problems paying. That, or I eat my order fast enough before anyone else can raid my plate. This is somewhat socially crude, however.

by dedfischer on May 27, 2008 8:54 AM CDT reply actions

I went out to eat sushi with Salty and his wife one time, but I couldn’t stand the smell.

by Ron Washington on May 27, 2008 9:56 AM CDT reply actions

Hunter confirms Abby’s opinion and also adds that this place has the best eel in Dallas. Fuck.

One of my favorite passages I’ve ever read on this blog.

by Sailor Ripley on May 27, 2008 11:26 AM CDT reply actions

Order sashimi by the piece. If you get, say, 1 piece salmon and 1 piece superwhite, it would be their ass if they tried to take any of it.

That could work better than a roll with multiple pieces. Or at least give you some filler.

by Jeff on May 27, 2008 1:01 PM CDT reply actions

WTF? I posted a comment and now it has been deleted…

by uthookem on May 27, 2008 1:08 PM CDT reply actions

Shinsei?

by LHX on May 27, 2008 1:16 PM CDT reply actions

That’s what is frustrating. I feel I shouldn’t have to outsmart my dining companions to get a complete meal. I also don’t want to be the prick that isn’t sharing his food or being a bitch about splitting up the check. I received a lecture a couple of years ago from my lady about sharing after I instinctively snapped at her for eating a piece of hot link off my plate.

by dedfischer on May 27, 2008 1:43 PM CDT reply actions

uthookem -

NO FUCKING POLITICS!!!!

Thanks, kindly.

The Mgmt.

by Sailor Ripley on May 27, 2008 2:12 PM CDT reply actions

This also gives me an idea for a new concept of Sushi restaurant:

- Only parties of 4 are accepted

- There are only 4 items on the menu

- Item 1 kicks ass and you could possibly eat it 9 times a week

- Item 2 is pretty good and enjoyable to everyone

- Item 3 is marginal at best, everyone can tolerate it, but you wouldn’t want to be forced to get full on it

- Item 4 sucks ass and induces projectile vomiting

- The tables are round and every table must order 1 each of the 4 items

- The items are placed in the center of the table, but no one can touch them until the waiter rings a bell

- At this point, everyone fights for what they want to eat, much like a pack of hyenas or pride of lions, anything goes

It’s MMA meets the modern dining experience. Awesome.

by dedfischer on May 27, 2008 2:32 PM CDT reply actions

Damn…the closest I have gotten in years to a witty, clever response that sort of, kind of, made sense was deleted.

Fucking politics, indeed.

Oh well, there’s always next year.

Hook ’em!

by uthookem on May 27, 2008 6:51 PM CDT reply actions

it must suck to be put upon all the time.

then again, having a good time doesnt lend itself to witty rhetoric as well.

by huge on May 28, 2008 5:17 PM CDT reply actions

Dedfischer, nice post.

Growing up in a non-sushi kind of place, I’d avoided it until my fellow conference-goers at a convention in San Fransisco heard about my sushi virginity, and took me out for some raw fish.

I was violently ill for a good four days—some seriously funky stuff must have been mixed up in it.

The sushi experiences you describe sound like they’re structured to show that you’ve got deeper pockets than the other guy. Try going all “Broadway Danny Rose” on the situation and start tearing up twenties right then and there—it’ll save time and get you to real food more quickly.

by Parlin Hall on May 28, 2008 7:29 PM CDT reply actions

I gather you live in Dallas. Next time “sushi night with friends” is organized, suggest Tom Tom (West Village) on Thursday night. Instead of ordering entire rolls at 7 bucks a pop, you order in increments of 2 pieces at $1 a pop. People will be able to mix and match a meal instead of being locked into one kind of roll.

I know I’m pimping the place pretty hard, but I’m a fan of the way they do it…

by South '06 on May 29, 2008 10:35 AM CDT reply actions