Today In T Boone's Office
by Scipio Tex on Oct 20, 2008 2:25 PM CDT
in Texas Longhorns and Other Football
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Gundy, get in here.
Mr Pickens?
Take a knee and put this cardboard beer helmet on your head. You know the drill.
Will do.
Gundy, you look like an Amarillo golf pro that humped an oil slick.
Yes sir.
Gundy, your visor has more hair product than Al Sharpton's doilies.
Well, I don't know if that's...
Gundy, you look like a wop hijacked a Golfsmith truck. If I wrung out your hair, we wouldn't have to drill ANWAR.
Yes sir.
Gundy, how many games are we gonna win in '08?
Well, I think we can be real competitive depending on the progress of...
I need a number, a quantitative assessment, you shitbird.
It's just hard to say. Football is a dynamic game.
I want to straight up murder you right now, Gundy. I want to hit you in the face with this oil derrick paperweight.
Yes sir. Thank you sir.
Do you see Barry Sanders in this office?
Ummm....
You see Hart Lee Dykes? Answer!
No. No sir.
Right. So the boys who made you what you are ain't here. This is 'ol T Boone right here and this is you right there and I'm looking at 185 pounds of screw up and you're looking at 3 billion dollars of badass. Sean Sutton is a sweating slob his Daddy got a job, but at least I know what that's about. I can have him framed for housing an unlicensed alpaca anytime I need to pull that trigger. It's in his contract that he may not shelter Andean camelid ungulates.
Yes sir.
Gundy, what did I tell you last week?
That those three player hostesses you liked should be thoroughly cleaned and delivered to your home dressed as Japanese anime characters.
Before that.
That you wanted to buy the mineral rights under my yard and pump my children's playscape with heated liquid mercury so that I could know the pain you feel when you watch me coach OSU football.
After that.
That I'm the coach of the team and that you'll never interfere.
Bingo. And I meant it. You're doing good work Cale and I support you.
It's Mike, sir.
Don't get fresh Cale.
Yes sir.
Cale, I bet Michael Milken we'd beat Texas by 32. Will you cover?
I think so sir.
Good. Why haven't you run the play I gave you?
The Whopsy Doozy?
Don't make me say it twice.
Sir, The Whopsy Doozy requires the center to direct snap the ball to the TE in the slot. It's very technical.
While the backfield provides frenetic distraction!
Right. Frenetic distraction. You want them to run about doing jazz hands as we direct snap to Pettigrew at an impossible angle while Keith Toston yells real loud,"Whopsy Doozy! Hey, Longhorn shitbirds look at me!".
There she is. I like the way you tell it.
Uh, look for it in the 3rd quarter, sir.
Good boy. Now take the sani-wipes and rub down the area where you kneeled. Wear that beer helmet until Thursday, OK?
Sir, Stoops joshes me about that. It's a sore subject.
Cale, I let you stop wearing the helicopter beanie and the sea horse intertube. Now we're talking beer helmet? I'm a sympathetic fella, but that beats all. Go git wins, shitbird.
Will do sir! Can you validate parking?
____________________________
h/t to BHGP for the idea.
Also, for more information on Golf Pricks, please see here and dedfischer at The Tortilla Retort.
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That young pup Pickens is stealing my material!
by H Ross Perot on Oct 20, 2008 3:15 PM CDT reply actions
Hilarious. I have to be nice as T Boone’s foundation is donating a bunch of money to my daughter’s school…. but you don’t.
by Art Vandelay on Oct 20, 2008 3:29 PM CDT reply actions
“as we direct snap to Pettigrew at an impossible angle”
Not if the football is shaped like a boomerang.
Great work, BTW.
by AeroHorn on Oct 20, 2008 3:54 PM CDT reply actions
congrats
you have succinctly summarized the rest of country’s idea of how all of Texas really works
by righand on Oct 20, 2008 5:19 PM CDT reply actions
Not a strong showing from the Pokes for the conference sense of humor rankings.
by Minnesotahorn on Oct 20, 2008 6:26 PM CDT reply actions
The “jazz hands” was genius.
T. Boone as frustrated Bob Fosse. I like it.
by Parlin Hall on Oct 20, 2008 6:33 PM CDT reply actions
Minnesota:
That’s been a staple since the advent of Barking Carnival. Very interesting psychology.
by Scipio Tex on Oct 20, 2008 6:38 PM CDT reply actions
This is some seriously funny shit. T. Boone thinks it’s autobiographical, though.
by EyesOfTX on Oct 20, 2008 6:46 PM CDT reply actions
T. Boone may not be calling plays much longer if his $165 million dollar gift has in fact vaporized in hedge fund hell as rumored.
by lawdog13 on Oct 20, 2008 10:18 PM CDT reply actions
lawdog13, the next couple of years are going to be verrrrry interesting for all sports, not least college football.
A lot of ambitious plans for new facilities and big buyouts/contracts are going to have to go on hold, I bet.
I’m glad we managed to complete most of our upgrades before everyone woke up from credit default swap dreamland.
by CrazyJoeDavola on Oct 21, 2008 1:04 AM CDT reply actions
“Cale, I let you stop wearing the helicopter beanie and the sea horse intertube.”
It’s like Bobcat said years ago. There’s rich enough to have all the drugs you want. And then there’s rich enough to pay people to act out your hallucinations so you don’t have to do drugs.
by SeeingRed on Oct 21, 2008 7:08 AM CDT reply actions
Best. ever.
I was dying laughing but went into cardiac arrest at the “jazz hands” reference.
by Kafka on Oct 21, 2008 9:05 AM CDT reply actions
This article makes me wanna puke.
Tremendously.
by ponderos on Oct 21, 2008 2:45 PM CDT reply actions
I’m gonna have to pull a Rambo and self-stitch up my split sides…Ow!
by hornbymarriage on Oct 22, 2008 7:36 AM CDT reply actions
Gundy, Ray Ray, hurrah up and bring the twelve pack and a shatload of ice cubes.. …that steven fellow was right as usual… …it’s already starting to get a little hot and steamy around here and I’m starting to sweat my senile, geezer ass off now. Well, at least we manage to beat Tech for a year or so. I say that was 200 mil well spent. And by the way, F*CK little, starving Ethiopian children.
by T-Bone Pick Pocket on Oct 22, 2008 9:30 AM CDT reply actions
I go to UT and this is really really funny! It’s so cute and original. We had a kid wear a beer hat at a fraternity party here once and I couldn’t stop laughing. He got some beer on his new trousers and sweater!
by UT fudgepacker on Oct 22, 2008 1:14 PM CDT reply actions
i also go to ut and find the above article the funniest thing i’ve ever read. i love the angle the writer took, something no one else has addressed. very clever. well, gotta go now…my shift at the Gap is about to start. we just got in our fall line of clothing (sweatervests, cute military looking caps, & some tight fitting jeans).
by ut fudgepacker's boyfriend on Oct 22, 2008 3:17 PM CDT reply actions
You forgot to call us t.u.
As Oklahoma Aggies, I think this is somewhat required.
by Huckleberry on Oct 22, 2008 3:28 PM CDT reply actions
Also,it would have been funnier if instead of the Gap it was Abercrombie and Fitch.
Let’s face it, who can compete with Scipio when it comes to humor?
A sociological aside: I used to recruit computer science grads from UT, A&M, and Rice. Rice kids were the most sheltered. The A&M kids were really nice and clean cut (but not very smart). The UT students were, by far, the strangest and looked/dressed the strangest.
The UT kids also had the most attitude (maybe because UT has been one of the top computer science grad schools in the country for many years). They were bad ass geeks and they knew it.
by Kafka on Oct 23, 2008 1:00 AM CDT reply actions
You could certainly see your expertise in the work you write. The sector hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. At all times follow your heart.
by knee pain hart on Nov 7, 2011 11:35 AM CST reply actions
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