Fiesta Bowl Wrap Up Part II: Game Flavor

by Scipio Tex on Jan 9, 2009 2:38 PM CST in Texas Longhorns and Other Football

Best told in vignettes

An Oklahoma fan decked out in crimson with a goatee and the leathery skin of an oil field services worker, with the obligatory Marlboro stains on his fingers and teeth, spends the entire pre-game sprinting around the stadium concourse pointing to his national championship game participation t-shirt and screaming Boomer Sooner. We seem him make at least three passes. He's so ridiculously stupid that even the Ohio State fans avert their eyes and refuse to return his high fives. When an Ohio State guy with face paint, a mohawk, wearing fake shoulder pads refuses to acknowledge you, you're in a low place in the hierarchy of college football fan.

In Westgate pre-game, the Border Patrol sets up a recruiting booth. Perhaps the CIA will be at the Final 4 recruting Farsi speakers. The Patrol chose their best and brightest - an estrogenic Louie Anderson doppleganger with an absurdly high-pitched voice and Charlie Weiss front hump, a doughy Latina midget with a hair bun, and two dudes straight from Super Troopers. Later, I see one of the Super Troopers standing in the parking lot leaning against a special Border Patrol tricked out Hummer, trying his best to attract attention while appearing unconcerned. He has mirrored sunglasses on and his arms are folded specifically so that his biceps look bigger. Uncle Rico got a badge.

During the outdoor pre-game festivities, a pair of Phoenix Fire Department guys riding Segways sporting bike helmets motor by - clearly the 60 degree day is too arduous for walking and I needed this extra piece of visual data to confirm that my country is truly screwed. A friend suggests that we approach the Border Patrol booth and say,"Not trying to start anything here fellas, but we were just talking to the PFD guys on the Segways and they said that Border Patrol are straight-up faggots. Thought you should know..."

In Westgate watching the Longhorn band pre-game, a botoxed older woman dressed twenty years too young approaches our group with a dorky male sidekick and they begin pitching a calendar of...local Phoenix grandmothers in string bikinis. She is Ms September or something. She assures us that all of the forty and fiftysomethingish women in the calendar are "biological grandmas" and she continues to return to this piece of vital information as a major selling point when we ask why we would possibly want this material. Three times she offers a blank look at our polite rejection, taps her bright red acrylic Flo-Jo nail on the photograph of Grandma December's breasts, and then offers the assurance, "She is the real thing - a biological grandma!"

I bought seven.

Skin up, nana

A man wearing a MICHIGAN IS OUR BITCH AGAIN shirt shakes my hand as I'm waiting to buy a Coke. He offers that he respects Texas as "a class program, just like Ohio State." I nod in collegial fashion and chuckle at his t-shirt. He shrugs and says at least he didn't wear his ANN ARBOR IS A WHORE! tee. I commend him for this tasteful decision.

Down 6-3 during the early 3rd quarter with a break in the "action", the camera begins showing cute babies in the crowd on the big screen. I am irritated. I erupt with, "I would throw that baby from the upper deck in sacrifice to the football gods if it meant Longhorn victory!" I am initially concerned with the reception for my outburst, but I receive several nods of approval. We immediately go up 17-6. When we go down 21-17, a hot girl in a short orange dress and cowboys boots standing in front of me turns around and suggests that I renew my offering to the gods.

Gotta love college football and gotta love Texas women.

Come read Part III.

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“The Patrol chose their best and brightest – an estrogenic Louie Anderson doppleganger with an absurdly high-pitched voice and Charlie Weiss front hump, a doughy Latina midget with a hair bun, and two dudes straight from Super Troopers.”

I surrender: straight-up brilliance.

by Parlin Hall on Jan 9, 2009 2:42 PM CST reply actions

I saw at least 5 offenses in bowl games I liked better than Greg Davis’s. I’m still pissed that Santa didn’t bring me a new OC for Christmas.

by RansomStoddard on Jan 9, 2009 3:03 PM CST reply actions

This isn’t that post, Stoddard. I am giving you game flavor, sir.

by Scipio Tex on Jan 9, 2009 3:05 PM CST reply actions

You misspelled doppelganger.

Yes! Look at me. I’m smart!

by t1climb1 on Jan 9, 2009 3:09 PM CST reply actions

I will leave it uncorrected just to irritate you, you Teutonic apologist.

by Scipio Tex on Jan 9, 2009 3:12 PM CST reply actions

Can we get echeese over here so he can tell us that Blake Gideon will look like Major Wright next and that he is a future thorpe award winner.

by Groundhog Day on Jan 9, 2009 3:18 PM CST reply actions

Scip,

It’s humbling to read your blog. Every time I read your words I am faced with every successive sentence with my own shortcomings as a writer. The above post was my attempt at humor. You know, I can’t write like you and I am not as smart so I’ll find something to try to bring you down. Even spelling errors.

Seriously, you are a great writer, and you happen to know a thing or two about football. You should get paid for this or something.

by t1climb1 on Jan 9, 2009 3:23 PM CST reply actions

Also, what’s a teuton?

by t1climb1 on Jan 9, 2009 3:24 PM CST reply actions

Scipio gets paid in Pistols Firing gear.

by ponderos on Jan 9, 2009 3:30 PM CST reply actions

David, you’re asking the impossible from Tebow. I think Will Leitch hit the nail right on the head when he wrote this:

Realize the mindset of athletes like Zach Johnson, or Tony Dungy, or Kurt Warner. Their Christianity isn’t some peripheral aspect to their life; it is their life. [Secularists] might not agree with it, but from their perspective, everything they do, from showing up to church on Sunday, to buying meat, to scoring a touchdown, is done for the glory of Christ. They don’t thank Jesus for helping them win a game; they thank Jesus for everything. What sounds like mealy-mouthed platitudes to us are genuine, heartfelt beliefs for them. And from Johnson’s perspective: That moment, after he has just won The Masters, is likely the most high-profile moment he’ll ever have, on a national stage. One of the founding principles of Christianity is to spread the gospel of Christ. He would have no better opportunity. While the reporters were sighing and waiting for him to say something they could use, millions of Christians at home were awed by Johnson’s humility in the name of Christ. If they had a national television audience hanging on their every word, they’d do the same thing. Why this bothers us more than, say, LeBron James flashing his Nike logo every time he talks to Jim Gray is bewildering.

by Laz on Jan 9, 2009 3:33 PM CST reply actions

Who was the player on the sideline that was waving his towel and sporting a mullet?!

That was a little embarrassing.

by Hippie Killer on Jan 9, 2009 3:39 PM CST reply actions

Bullshit. That mullet was the highlight of the bowl season.

by Nordberg on Jan 9, 2009 3:41 PM CST reply actions

If I knew how to delete and resubmit, I would. Many apologies.

by RansomStoddard on Jan 9, 2009 3:45 PM CST reply actions

The best part of having a Christian as a QB is that you can actually pray for him to win and not feel somewhat sacreligious…

by Todd on Jan 9, 2009 3:48 PM CST reply actions

“Who was the player on the sideline that was waving his towel and sporting a mullet?!

That was a little embarrassing."

I think it was one of our offensive linemen. Luke Poehlmann. I think…

by Sasha_Is_A_Longhorn_Dog on Jan 9, 2009 3:50 PM CST reply actions

Geez. It was damn funny, but somebody needs to hold him down and shave his head. I nominate Ulatoski, Huey and Kindle should do the shaving.

Also, the dude looked like a walk-on, if that was poehlmann, I just don’t see him getting much playing time in the future. Not because of the Mullet he was rocking, but the dude looks small and fat…not a good combo.

by Hippie Killer on Jan 9, 2009 4:12 PM CST reply actions

You realize that splitting your Fiesta Bowl report up in to 3 posts doesn’t give you extra credit, right?

by Dunstan Pearl on Jan 9, 2009 4:13 PM CST reply actions

He’s way behind on his quota. Personally, I think this is against the spirit of the quota, so I will be appealing to our supervisors for disciplinary action.

by Huckleberry on Jan 9, 2009 4:15 PM CST reply actions

I have read several blogging handbooks and they all tell me that this is how I should do it.

Also, I should use more exclamation points!!!!!

by Scipio Tex on Jan 9, 2009 4:21 PM CST reply actions

Got about 30 more minutes at work… I can has part 3 now? kthanxbai.

by Nordberg on Jan 9, 2009 4:26 PM CST reply actions

I hope Poehlmann doesn’t read this foolish anti-mullet fatwa on the Longhorn Interwebs. His coiffe is brilliant, tasteful, and structurally relevant to their position.

If Charlie Tanner had the extra counterbalanced weight that business-in-the-front-party-in-the-rear presents, maybe he wouldn’t get caught out on his toes pass blocking for no freaking reason.

I like Mr. Poehlmann’s dedication to form and function. I also want to raise a cold High Life to the director of that broadcast for inexplicably displaying Poehlmann Cam over and over. What do you think that conversation was like in the booth?

by The General on Jan 9, 2009 4:37 PM CST reply actions

You should also use more smiley faces. Bitches love smiley faces.

by Dunstan Pearl on Jan 9, 2009 4:38 PM CST reply actions

…business-in-the-front-party-in-the-rear

I dub it the Tennessee Waterfall

by t1climb1 on Jan 9, 2009 4:41 PM CST reply actions

…business-in-the-front-party-in-the-rear

I dub it the Tennessee Waterfall

or the Rusty Trombone.

by ponderos on Jan 9, 2009 4:51 PM CST reply actions

Ponderos, you may want to come up with another moniker.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rusty+trombone

by t1climb1 on Jan 9, 2009 4:56 PM CST reply actions

Man, pretty much everyone I know would be getting one of those calenders next Christmas.

by Minnesotahorn on Jan 9, 2009 5:04 PM CST reply actions

Scipio gets paid in Hampton Inn vouchers.

by HenryJames on Jan 9, 2009 5:15 PM CST reply actions

He’s yet to give us a breakdown of his dinner at TGI Friday’s. Or maybe 6TimesBig12Champs can since he waited on him.

by CloseToJumping on Jan 9, 2009 6:17 PM CST reply actions

An Oklahoma fan decked out in crimson with a goatee and the leathery skin of an oil field services worker, with the obligatory Marlboro stains on his fingers and teeth, spends the entire pre-game sprinting around the stadium concourse pointing to his national championship game participation t-shirt and screaming Boomer Sooner. We seem him make at least three passes. He’s so ridiculously stupid that even the Ohio State fans avert their eyes and refuse to return his high fives. When an Ohio State guy with face paint, a mohawk, wearing fake shoulder pads refuses to acknowledge you, you’re in a low place in the hierarchy of college football fan.
============

So, Billy Sims was there?

by EyesOfTX on Jan 9, 2009 6:47 PM CST reply actions

Jeez, you write better than I do and now t1climb1 sucks up better than I do.

Hmmmmm. Okay. Tebow bumped Jesus from the Holy Trinity and now you’ve put the Holy Ghost out on its ass. In the name of the Father, the Gator and the Holy Scipio. (And you’re the best looking of the Three!)

As always, it’s an extreme pleasure reading your observations.

by RomaVicta on Jan 9, 2009 7:00 PM CST reply actions

RomaVicta,

It’s an art really, and the reason I’ve gotten as far in life as I have given the minimal talent I have. Either that or it’s my incredible good looks.

Nah. It’s the ass kissing.

by t1climb1 on Jan 9, 2009 7:43 PM CST reply actions

So Scip, um, could you, say, part … with one of those calendars? I, well, you know, I know a guy who’s into that kind of thing…

by Phenomenal Smith on Jan 9, 2009 8:06 PM CST reply actions

“I bought seven”

Fuck! Doperbo quickly counts the founding members of Barking Carnival on his fingers…

Ha ha. Very funny. I get one of those in the mail and your ass is… totally safe! No problem, amigo. I love you. You wanna hang out, or something? Please leave me alone.

Please.

by Doperbo on Jan 9, 2009 8:10 PM CST reply actions