Eviscerating Peter King: NFL Insider!

First Bohls, now King? Who’s next on the hit list, Pam Ward? A special Olympian?

OK – granted.
 
Still, this is not helpless seal-clubbing. I can’t tell you how many people I know who solemnly intone,“Peter King – dude knows his shit!”
 
If I can change just one mind, it was 23 minutes of my life well spent.

Agreed. Just giving you a hard time.

I’m nearing the breaking point on Jay Bilas, myself.

Nuh-uh, motherscratcher, we’re not done yet.
 
Speaking of Bohls:
 
BON linked to his column today.
 
This is how that column – a Spring football preview – began:
 

Welcome to KROC, your around-the-clock Longhorn sports talk show, where me and Bubba here talk everything UT. You’re listening to KROC, nothing but a bunch of crock, but it’s our crock.

 
Ha ha! His station’s call letters spell out K-R-O-C! Crock! His sidekick is named Bubba, too! What an evocative rural name! Delightful!
 

A week from today, Texas starts its second sport. No, not Augie Garrido’s Driving School. Augie, we kid because we love you, big fellow. We mean that. Really. Bubba, where’s that Johnny Cash “I Walk the Line” soundtrack?

 
Augie Garrido drinks, you see! Ha ha! Bohls said he was kidding, but then left doubt as to whether he actually was. Lenny Bruce edge right there. Very dark!
 

Never mind, it’s spring football, which starts a week from today. Hallelujah. There is a God. No, his name is not Colt, Bubba, although I think they’re related.

 
Colt as a deity! Ha ha! Sacrilege! Oh, Kirk! You’re Oscar Wilde.
 
I have to stop…it actually gets worse from there.
 
Mind your own backyard, Ogbonnaya apologist!!!!!
 
I fully acknowledge our dubious offseason content.

Bilas has some grating qualities but at least he has semi-informed thoughts on the game from having played it. At Duke. No really, he went to Duke. Won a national championship in ’86. For Coach K. In the ACC. Cameron Indoor. Length on the perimeter. Where were we?

I think it’s more the Skeletor dentures and constant admiration of the aforementioned “length” as a player’s defining attribute and worth as a basketball player that comes across as a little creepy. Did Jay not measure up as a kid? Did a 13-inch growth spurt one summer cause some problems with making friends?

The moral of the story is that no journalist is safe in the blogoshphere. For example, take Chris Fowler, the presumably clean cut peddler of College Gameday. But what does he do the other eight months of the year? He spends a lot of time down under covering the Australian Open in a land spawned from an arranged marriage of Aborigines and England’s most spectacular felons (read the book “A Fatal Shore”). Then you have his apparently innocent coverage of horse racing. Take the infield debauchery of the Kentucky Derby, the backroom gin drinking contests at the Breeder’s Cup, or his Bukowski-esque binges at Belmont … Herbstreit may look like the party boy but he’s really just trying to keep up with Fowler. Oh, and he went to CU. Case closed.

Hubert Brown? You really buying the If-A-CPA-Were-A-Basketball-Analyst Act. Big skeletons, Hubie.

As for Pam Ward her secrets are safe with you, PB. Let’s hope they never come out.

UPSIDE!

But no national championship.

Mind your own backyard, Ogbonnaya apologist!!!!!

I will never back down from my OG love. NEVER!

What’s really funny is he wound up, what, 4th on the offensive MVP list this year? Colt, Quan, Shipley…. then who? Probably OG.

What a bizarro year.

You’re just jealous of King’s incredible talents. After all, can you type a column while fellating Brett Favre and drinking coffee-flavored water at the same time? I didn’t think so.

Fellating Brett Favre IS drinking coffee-flavored water.

“If I wrote a parody of one of his columns and spliced it with the real thing, I daresay none of you could identify the impostor Peter with anything better than 60% accuracy.”

The Barking Carnival accepts this worthy challenge.

Peter King was really good when Sports Illustrated was a leading sports information periodical.

He does like his popcorn…

http://ballhype.com/video/peter_king_final/

“Peter King was really good when Sports Illustrated was a leading sports information periodical.”

Is this a roundabout way of saying “never”?

You know, I think Peter King got one thing right. Sean Penn is the Humphrey Bogart of our day, and that is a very, very sad commentary on our times.

Eviscerating Peter King

Peter would definitely be the fat Evis..

Thank ya very much ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be here all week..

That is some funny shit.

And Scip, I really appreciate the fact that you post stuff that I have to google to figure out. Rigoberta Menchu.

Mr Scipio Tex human-person,
DO NOT FUCK WITH ME until you have coached an 11 year old girls softball team under the searing lights of the Connecticut media. Have you ever enjoyed a chocolate latte in Lakehurst, NJ, at the Simms Castle while being gang-raped by Parcells, Pioli and Big (and I DO mean BIG) Papi?!!!

Let me answer that..FUCK NO!!

INSIDE INFORMATION COMES AT A PRICE…THEY GO INSIDE YOU, THEN YOU GET THE INFO, BITCH!!!!
If you want this to evolve into ‘West Side Story’ violence, so be it. Rick Gosselin, Norm Hitzges and me will unzip our flies and strain to unsheathe our mock-drafts which will make you feel like a lesser man.
You, my friend, had better stay down there and tend the Guadalupe bass and steer clear of us northeastern Starbucks sharks.
(Just because I kept it under 150 meaningless words, instead of 15,000, doesn’t mean it’s not me).
Your friend in Christ,
Peter King
Please, do not worship me. I’m just a man who knows a lot more than you…

“Your friend in CHRIST”
No offense Tim, I really meant Tebow..

Favorite Peter King related “thought” form the last 5 years:

RE: 2005 draft.
“Matt Jones is such an impressive specimen at 6’6”, 245, with a 4.35 40. He may be drafted late in the 1st round, but I’m betting he goes to a more pro bowls than most of the guys drafted ahead of him."

Hate Bohls. Fucking hate him. User name suspended for Bohl bashing.

Not to disparage former UT great Ahmad Brooks, but while listening to the morning show on 1300 in Austin recently, Brooks said, “It is easy to get 200 tackles in the NFL. Guys get 200 tackles all the time.”

I was shocked and could not think of one player EVER with 200 tackles. In reviewing the statistics from 2001 to 2008 (tackles statistics were not kept prior to 2001), only one player had over 170 tackles (Patrick Willis – 2007). I am not sure how these guys get their jobs (former athletes, good rolodex), but in the age of the internet, I would expect my analysis to come with some sort of fact checking.

It’s spelled “tauntaun.”

I’ve seen it both ways, bitch.
 

“It is easy to get 200 tackles in the NFL. Guys get 200 tackles all the time."”

Listen better. I said “It is easy to get to hundred tackles in the NFL. Guys get to hundred tackles all the time.” You mocking my speech, racist?

This is great.