UNC National Champions? Thank Dexter Pittman

by Barking Carnival Staff on Apr 7, 2009 1:26 PM CDT in Texas Longhorns and Other Basketball

According to the douchebags north of the Red River. Apparently, Sexy Dexy slapped the game out of Blake Griffin and set the basketball world on its collective ear by not allowing the Sooners their rightful place as a one seed.

F'ng Dexter Pittman and his dexterous pimp slaps that were stealthily delivered beyond the watchful eyes of cameras, officials, and fans alike. Only the cross-dressing Griffin and his ghoulish mother truly know the brutishness that is Dexter Pittman's ring finger and its willing accomplice, Doge Balbay's ulnar bone.

Somewhere, Mookie Blaylock is tipping his 40 in homage to creatine's favorite son, the hyper-concussed, glass-jawed Blake Griffin.

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Say man, phantom punches are no joke.

by Sonny Liston on Apr 7, 2009 1:37 PM CDT reply actions

Blake Griffin only pawn in game of life.

by kevwun on Apr 7, 2009 1:38 PM CDT reply actions

dexy is going to bitch slap the game out of tiny gallon too if he thinks about getting any closer than the 3 point line.

by 98 on Apr 7, 2009 1:52 PM CDT reply actions

Don’t look at the lights, Blake! Don’t look at the lights!

by Woody Bombay on Apr 7, 2009 1:59 PM CDT reply actions

Somebody get Blake Griffin some fuckin’ boniva.

by Sally Field on Apr 7, 2009 2:23 PM CDT reply actions

Dave Sittler – Tulsa World Sports Columnist*

by Art Vandelay on Apr 7, 2009 2:38 PM CDT reply actions

Don’t look at the lights, Blake! Don’t look at the lights!

OU’s trainer shielding Blake’s eyes from the searing arena lights remains one of the strangest in-game activities I’ve witnessed.

He showed the protective instincts of a mother Lynx with the grace of a Dingo.

Blake, don’t fail me now! We’ve battled veteran tribes and crossed frozen tundras to reach this epic battleground. Don’t let a bent eyelash destroy all your hard work in the dry river bed under the hot sun!

Come, I shall shield thy wound from unwanted dwellers nearby that are mystified by this tragedy. Even if if costs you a shot in the Great War, I will not venture to question your valour or toughness while our tribe is being assaulted and desperately needs you. For your legend is already written in mine eye … No! Keep them shut, I shall tell the story in rhyme when you are older. Now let me fetch thee a bucket to wretch out thine anguish. Booooomer!!

by Vasherized on Apr 7, 2009 2:47 PM CDT reply actions

That is the most pathetic thing I have ever read. Texaggy “pure gold” threads included.

by HornsHornsHorns on Apr 7, 2009 2:49 PM CDT reply actions

If someone could photoshop crying OU kid’s face onto Blake Griffin’s body, that’d be great.

by ctex80 on Apr 7, 2009 2:50 PM CDT reply actions

If only this were true, I would be thrilled that we screwed the gooners over. As usual, they’re delusional about how great they are.

The funny thing is, it wasn’t even Dexy who cold-cocked him.

by Blueshorn on Apr 7, 2009 3:05 PM CDT reply actions

What a load of shite. Had OU played UNC in the national championship game, the score STILL would’ve been 72-60, and it might’ve been worse on a bigger stage.

Don’t lump us all in with that f*cking martian.

by NateHeupel on Apr 7, 2009 3:14 PM CDT reply actions

I propose a new theory: If OU was a national title caliber team, Blake Griffin’s head wouldn’t have been made of glass.

by Tommy on Apr 7, 2009 3:37 PM CDT reply actions

This almost makes me feel better about our gay fake Big 12 title.

Almost.

by Scipio Tex on Apr 7, 2009 3:41 PM CDT reply actions

“OU may not have fared any better in the title game than it did in the Elite Eight. But now that the Big Dance is over, we know the Sooners played the Tar Heels tougher than anyone else they met on the road to the Final Four” – idiot columnist.

This seems to be the underlying justification for a comical act of sports masturbation. Really, if only Pittman and Balbay hadn’t knocked out Glass Joe, oversensitizing his retinas for days to come, we could have lost to the exact same team at a slightly different time period.

by Emmett Fitzhume on Apr 7, 2009 4:00 PM CDT reply actions

blake griffin can't see

by Sailor Ripley on Apr 7, 2009 4:04 PM CDT reply actions

Scipio – I think this is what you meant:

This almost makes me feel better about our gay fake Big 12 title.*

*Almost.

by Sailor Ripley on Apr 7, 2009 4:06 PM CDT reply actions

That’s the one, Sailor. Nice find.

by Vasherized on Apr 7, 2009 4:09 PM CDT reply actions

OHHH NOOO, you DIDN’T!

by Scipio Tex on Apr 7, 2009 4:12 PM CDT reply actions

What an excellent, thought provoking article. Seems a little dry though. I would have spiced it up some with some cleat chasers romancing Sexy Dexy in front of Blakes one good eye.

by Thayer Evans on Apr 7, 2009 4:31 PM CDT reply actions

No. 1 seed or not, OU did not deserve to make to the Final Four. OU’s team, aside from Griffin, was not very good. With him taking up all that attention inside, the only thing they had to do was hit their wide open 3 balls and they could not even do that. The OU team next year without Griffin is going to suck real bad.

by hot wire on Apr 7, 2009 5:24 PM CDT reply actions