The Blind Side Movie

They're making a movie out of the Michael Lewis book The Blind Side and it has the potential to be a good flick. And by potential, I mean that it will be purchased by some studio hack who will turn out a football film similar to Johnny B Goode. Who can forget the raw athleticism of Anthony Michael Hall and a coke-addled Robert Downey Jr?

It has also been revealed that Nick Saban and Phil Fulmer have agreed to play themselves.

Saban's interest in playing himself is obvious. Who else but Nick Saban could play someone so singularly wonderful as Nick Saban? In the book he is portrayed as a charming raconteur who knows a great deal about window treatments. Lewis also subtly suggests that all of the females that he encounters wish to fellate him within moments of being in his presence.

Phil Fulmer's agreement to participate is strange given that he is portrayed as a socially awkward overeager rube roundly despised by all members of Oher's adopted family. This is a bit like Joan Crawford begging to appear in Mommy Dearest. It makes Fulmer look like a...a socially awkward overeager rube.

Most crucially, Ed Orgeron will also appear in the movie and that will be a cinematic treat. Brace yourself for such David Mamet style dialogue as:

'EY DER OOOHHH-AARRRR! EW BIG'N! BO' WE GON' MAKE DEM WILD BOYS HAPP' IN OXFERR. GIT DAT CHUR OFF! WRASSLE ME IN DIS HEAR BACKYAR'! WINNA GIT A CRAWDAD COOKIE!

I don't like real people playing themselves because real people suck at acting.

My casting suggestions are as follows:

Nick Saban

Henry Winkler could nail this. The Fonz was a 5-8 arrogant opportunist who spent an inordinate amount of his time trying to impress teenagers to do his bidding. Nick Saban, folks.

Phil Fulmer

Fred Thompson will need to pack on about sixty pounds but after viewing his presidental bid, he strikes me as having just the right amount of complacent laziness to nail Fulmer. He will have to lower his gravitas quotient by about 60% - one suggestion would be to have him wear rollerblades and a clown nose right before each scene. While ingesting a ham.

Michael Oher

Yeah, I know Michael Clarke Duncan is old but no one has nailed Oversized-Gentle-Black-Man this well since Luther Vandross.

Ed Orgeron

Yes, that's Alan Autry and he played Bubba Skinner in the show In The Heat of the Night. He is Ed Orgeron once he administers a tad more Winstrol into his diet. No debate. He was also the two term mayor of Fresno, CA so he'll actually find shooting locations in Mississippi and Memphis to be an upgrade.