Welcome to To Catch A Predator.
I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC.
I ambush men who think they're going to have sex with underage teens and make their boners go away. Then, with the help of law enforcement, we rehabilitate them by sending them away to be raped by Aryan prison gangs.
Like Nancy Grace, I possess significant moral authority by virtue of the fact that I am on television and have what many call "a head of hair."
Tonight, we're in Austin, TX. We've rented an apartment near the university and we're striking a blow for public decency. Local police are poised to move in on my signal. That signal? A distressed howler monkey call.
Our "bait" - pixie-like summer intern Todd - is from the area. He'll pass himself off as a brazen 16 year old boy-hussy.
To complete the ruse, we've asked Todd to don a Tallahassee tuxedo: cut off jean shorts, a pair of rollerblades, and Scott Glenn's mesh half-shirt from Urban Cowboy. All day Todd has been in Twilight chat rooms praising Death Cab For Cutie. He's practically begging for it.
Here's one man who took the bait. We'll call him "Jules."
Camera pans to man skipping up the driveway, singing Coldplay's Viva La Vida
Todd: I'm just doing some laundry. Come right in!
Jules: Ooo! Febreze! I brought some GOOOOOOD-IES...
Todd: Help yourself to some lemonade. I'll be right out.
Jules: Don't mind if I do. Citrus tarts up my man-batter. Which I'm told is earthy, like a truffle dipped in compost.
Chris Hansen emerges from hallway
Hansen: Hello. Have a seat over there. I have questions for you.
Jules: Eek! Well-groomed authority figure! I'm not doing anything wrong! I'm a meter reader!
Hansen: We'll see about that. What's in the bag?
Jules: Objects of...meter reading.
Hansen: May I? (Unzips duffel)
Hansen: Body glitter.
Jules: Is being fabulous a crime?
Hansen: An ewok outfit.
Jules: It's like a furry kimono. I just -
Hansen: A live parakeet. Sedated.
Hansen: A candy corn suppository.
Hansen: A DVD entitled - Put Me, In Coach.
Hansen: And another titled You Cork That Ass Or I'm Probably Gonna Fuck It.
Hansen: I'm Chris Hansen with NBC Dateline. We're catching predators and making their boners go away...(prepares to make howler monkey call) -
Jules: (sobbing) Don't...ruin...my...life. I just -
A MASSIVE CRASH. Dust fills the room. The smoke clears to reveal a car bumper protruding through the wall. The car stereo blares The Geto Boys. An imposing figure emerges from the rubble.
Sergio: Now, ain't this a bitch.
Jules: Eek! A terrifying black man!
Todd: (skates in, pirouettes to a stop) What WAS that?
Hansen: You know this imposing gentleman of color?
Sergio: Reesing? Whatdafuckman. Predator just tryin' to get his text on. QWERTY keypad a mothafucka. Blackberry Curve my ass. Blackberry Over-Da-Curb.
(looks Reesing up and down)
Sergio: Why you dressed like DeMarco Murray?
Jules: (extends hand like a courtesan) We've not been formally introduced, Mr BlackDreamy...
Sergio: (impatiently) Who got a badass tool kit to help Predator patch up this stucco?
Hansen: I'm Chris Hansen with...wait, you admit you're a predator? And you know Todd?
Sergio: Yup. Last time I saw him, me and my boys got up in that ass. At his place in Lawrence. GOT. THAT. ASS. You feel me? It was me, Lamarr, Henry, Roy. Reesing all like (imitates high pitched squeal), "Oh no, not again! Oh, will someone please stop the penetration!" All day. Relentless. Bam-bam-bam. (hammers fist violently on counter)
Sergio: Todd could only put 7 on us. But we dropped 35 on 'em.
Hansen: Oh. My. God.
Jules: Oh, hallelujah.
Sergio: Bottom of the pile, Todd is all - damn, you guys just keep hammering my ass! I'm like, sheeee-it, don't throw passes at me. You know what's going to happen to you.
Jules: Soooooooo. Are you guys on Facebook?
Todd: Look, it's not what you think, Mr Hansen. I'm a college QB and Sergio plays for another team and...
Hansen: I think he's on your "team", Todd. I will not judge your choices and this won't impact your internship but...oh, the parakeet is stirring -
Sergio: Aaaaa! A goddamn purr-a-key. You know Sergio don't like when no bird come at him! Motherdafuckity. Get this purr-a-key off Predator. Sap my strenfth!
Reesing fires the candy corn suppository expertly at the parakeet, dropping it in mid-air.
Sergio: Man, you alright, Reesing.
Todd: Let's get out here, dude. We'll deal with the crash later.
Sergio: As a citizen, it is my duty to notify the authorities promptly of this contratemps. I have nothing to hide - I've not had a drop of alcohol nor have I enjoyed any marijuana cigarrettes. Further, a conversation with law enforcement may prove constructive as -
Jules: Why did he just talk completely differently there?
Hansen: You know, we don't usually allow the bait to leave with the predator...
Todd: Sergio - don't call the cops. As a favor to me. We'll just push the car down the road.
Sergio: With you dressed like that? Hell, naw. Man, put on something decent (eyes settle on ewok suit) -
Todd: Fine. I'm doing it. Hard...to...fit...my rollerblades...down...these...furry pants. Oh, the ass is cut out. That's just absurd.
Todd: Finally. (Lifts furry hood over his head) You know, we'll laugh about this in the NFL one day.
Sergio: NFL? You know your little ass can't handle that pounding.
Todd: I think I can take it. People have always doubted my size and -
Hansen: Enough! Please. I've had enough. Truman Capote would be blushing right now. I am very open-minded and enlightened, but this is Tennessee-posing-on-Lamborghini and Notre Dame lil-faggot-dance gay!
Jules: Oh, you just said a big fat creamy mouthful, mister.