Orlando Scandrick Hates Roy Williams and the Dallas Cowboys

Dallas Cowboys cornerback and possible member of Al Qaeda, Orlando Scandrick, purposely injured Roy Williams’ shoulder during a practice yesterday. After the collision between the two players, Scandrick made fake crying sounds and mockingly clung to his shoulder. While the star receiver laid writhing on the turf, Scandrick took advantage of the break by enjoying one of his patented kitten sandwiches and washed it down with a refreshing glass of Christian blood.

According to team sources, tension between the two players has been mounting since they became entangled in a prior practice and when Scandrick taunted Williams in the locker room by pretending to wipe his ass with a copy of Buzz Bissinger’s ‘Friday Night Lights.’

After the practice, Scandrick remained aloof and dismissive of reporters, whistling while he pencil-sketched crosshairs around Jason Witten’s team photo.

Scandrick’s loyalty to the team has been in question by many members of the organization. Scandrick provided no explanation when he was seen urinating on Tom Landry’s classic "Mallory" Fedora. Several team members witnessed him placing towels on top of a bear trap that was mysteriously armed directly in front of Miles Austin’s locker. Jerry Jones was angered when Scandrick suggested to the media that the video board in Cowboys Stadium be lowered.

The punishing running back, Marion Barber, once received a 1975 Cadillac as a gift from Scandrick. However, the vehicle sits untouched in his driveway. "When I first got in the car to give it a try, I spotted Orlando hiding in my hedges," said Barber. "Every time I moved my hand toward the ignition he’d snicker and snort, you know, trying to contain his laughter. He’s a talented dude, but I’d be lying if I said he didn’t make me just a little nervous."

Earlier this morning Scandrick got another chuckle after he planted an IED for his paper boy. The young man reportedly evaporated into a thin pink mist after riding over the explosive device that was hidden beneath the sidewalk. Scandrick laughed hysterically when he saw one of the boy’s limbs hanging in a nearby tree with a Livestrong bracelet still attached to it.

The battle for the starting position between Scandrick and Mike Jenkins has proven to be a heated competition.

In other NFL news, Broncos wide receiver, Brandon Marshall, is ratcheting up special teams competition by trying out for punter. Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels stated that he was pleased with Marshall’s extra effort but didn’t understand why he insisted on practicing in an Oakland Raiders jersey.