2009 Kansas Football Preview: State of the Union
by Doperbo on Aug 31, 2009 1:21 AM CDT
in Texas Longhorns and Other Football
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PrintI wanna rock right now.
I wanna chalk right now.
My name's Dope and I came to get down.
I'm not internationally known,
but I'm known to rock the microphone.
WHOO... YEAH!
Hold up.
If you're lost check this out then come back.
No worries mate, we'll wait. Hell open a new frame and play it on a loop.
It's okay if it appeals to you in some strange way that you don't understand.
In fact, put it on your iPod and drive around with the top down smilin' at all the womens. Even the healthy chicks. Hells yeah. You feel good about yourself. Me too. We all do. I even feel good for you. You the man. Self Gradulations.
That's going to be an important concept heading into this preview, self gradulations, so get comfortable with it. Rob Base (the one who knows about Things) set you up for that. A slick brother that could easy outfox ya. Blame him, not me. You clicked on it. Or did you?
Kansas
The main thing I want you to remember about Kansas is that you do not want to go there ever. Under any circumstances. Please stay away. That's very important. Write that down.
Lawrence is passable, there are clubs and venues downtown and it bears that 'island of blue in a sea of red' banner that Austinites enjoy flogging everyone else from Texas with, so there's that. Otherwise it's bleak.
Vince Young had the clutchiest performance in the history of the world there, up to that particular moment of world history (fuck both Lord Nelson and Huck simultaneously) and he concurs that it's still a shit destination in the spectrum of places to pull off clutchy shit.
It's the only place on earth I've seen someone wear a parka and crocs. For a frame of reference using a more well known destination it's the geographical opposite of Gangtok. Culturally speaking I find it noticeable that they outlawed the theory of evolution. In 1999. The populace makes the guys from Mad Men look diverse. And edgy.
They actually have a law that says rabbits may not be shot from motor boats. No kidding. That raises two key points in my mind: one, the fact they feel the need for such a law; two, if you somehow managed to pull that off (highly doubtful) you'd still go to jail. Presumably because rabbits can't evolve to hide from motorboats. There isn't a law against starting linebacking corps that look like the cast from Dawson's Creek, but there should be.
Ghosting their media prior to last season I expected to see a bit of cautious optimism, after all Kansas retained key parts of the offense from an Orange Bowl win 2 years ago and a 12-1 record, but man did they go straight over the top with it. SI covers and a top ten ranking will do that to a basketball school. Metaphorically they're the nerd who scored a hot chick for the prom and immediately starts bowing up to the jocks in study hall. I rooted for Lucas as much as anyone, and it makes for compelling cinema, but real life icy hot jock straps and humiliation are much less poignant. For reference see the 7-5 record and Insight Bowl bid last season.
In fact I went back and checked out that 2007 schedule to recalibrate retroactive expectations, which technically requires time travel, a wormhole, or peyote, but I did it anyway.
Central Michigan University
Southeastern Louisiana
Toledo
Florida International
Kansas State
Baylor
Colorado
Texas A&M
Nebraska
Oklahoma State
Iowa State
Missouri
I think I might have discovered the source of collective hubris. And a cure for cancer. The peyote tells me it's frozen glacier water.
In contradistinction, let's read some takes heading into this year.
Senior QB Todd Reesing:
The biggest thing for us is that people still doubt us as a football team and program. We have to continually prove ourselves in the conference and the national scene. Until we do that, until we continue to beat good teams and continue get to big bowl games, then people will still consider that what we've done was just a fluke or whatever. We continue to play with a chip on our shoulder.
You know that guy dragged Lucas all the way down the field, Todd. I mean I'm pulling for you and all, and not just because you look like Napoleon Dynamite humped Morrissey, but God's gift of a Big 12 South schedule liberally seasoned with Rockets and Chippewas doesn't come along every year. I'm just saying.
Lets see what you have to work with.
From the official Big 12 site:
2008: 8-5 overall, 4-4 in North Division, 3rd.
Bowl game: Defeated Minnesota, 42-21, in Insight Bowl.
Coach: Mark Mangino, 45-41(kilograms), seventh season.
Returning starters: 6 offense, 7 defense.
The 21st offense in the nation last year, not too shabby, and Todd, along with wide receivers Kerry Meier and Dez Briscoe, are returning. Sounds good so far.
Kerry irks me because he reminds me of the lead singer from Greenday but he's played pretty damn well for a guy that played quarterback until his sophomore year. If Chiles is nearly as successful, we'll all go apeshit. Overall you're looking at 3,888 yards and 32 TDs with most of the key skill pieces back, which is downright encouraging.
Senior running back Jake Sharp is also back. OK that's a push. KU's most courageous player award is impressive but career games against Kansas State aren't fooling anyone, wait hold up. He hit 103 against Oklahoma. I missed that. OK I'll give you Jake Sharp as a positive. Self Gradulations all around.
Toben Opurum from Plano appears to be the back up, whose existence I celebrate both because he projected as an H-Back out of high school and yet still managed 8.2 YPC last year and because Keith Jackson told me his name is Latin for 'Roll the Dice'. I dreamed it in my head.
The line from right to left is Jeff Spikes, Sal Capra, Jeremiah Hatch, Brad Thorson, and Tanner Hawkinson. I know it sounds like Four Vikings and a Jew, The Musical but surprisingly several of them are brothers, and perhaps more importantly, the line should serviceable overall.
Mazel tov all around
They replace three interior starters but I have a lot of respect for Mangino here, along with his penchant for protecting concussed OU quarterbacks from the mandibly and morally challenged Bob Stoops, he's generally a wizard in this area. I expect solid play up front.
Hatch is a sophomore who moved over from LT to play center this season, so the real focus (and the matchup you should be watching) is Tanner, a converted redshirt freshman tight end starting at left tackle. Listed as 6-6 290, he's covering Todd's blindside. I hope he plays well, and as such felt obligated to friend him on facebook and warn him about Sergio accidentally texting while rushing right into Todd's clavicles. A lot.
Kansas' defense will resemble Paula Poundstone doing yoga in a thong. Add Meatloaf and a plot line from 8th Street Latinas. In High Definition. It's going to look exactly like that. They gave up 45 points a game in their 5 losses last year and ranked 114th in pass defense. Ouch. This year could be worse. So much for hard hitting linebacking trios.
You know how I know you're gay?
I have two words for you, Todd. Ball Control. Hand it off to Jake or Toben then take a really long time getting up and getting back to the line. Act like an old man putting on socks. Or pretend you thought they were signalling a play in and got confused. Walk over to the wrong sideline a couple of times. Draw it out. The clock is really your only friend here, Todd. Caress it like a lover's teat. Fondle it. Milk it. Somehow that came out wrong.
You can actually smell a faint miasma of pannus sweat and desperation emanating from Mangino through the internets when he's asked about the defense. He's switching to a 4-2-5 this season, and not because of stellar DB play (Aqib Talib is long gone and resisting arrest in or around the Tampa Bay area as we speak) but because his linebacking corps is in shambles. I mean an Oklahoma Dollar General Store on welfare-check day shambles.
All three starters from last season are gone. They're listing Justin Springer, Drew Dudley and Artist Wright as starters on the depth chart. Wright started two games last year. Springer is coming off ACL surgery and Dudley is predicted to lose his spot if either Springer is healthy or practically anyone else shows up. Their actual depth chart should have more or's than a trireme. (Did Scipio already make that joke? If so damn him. I can't remember). In any event let it be known that they're hoping JUCO transfer Vernon Brooks or a converted senior running back, Angus Quigley, can fill in. Somehow. Angus started playing LB in December. Yes, I know. I can count. It's worked out about like you'd imagine.
"His growth at that position has not been nearly as fast as I would like for it to be," Mangino said. "He really needs to understand there's a sense of urgency there, and when he comes to terms with that I think he will be okay."
I think I understand what you're getting at, there Mark. He's had six whole months to learn a new position but somehow the urgency isn't translating. Please tell me more about your theory on teaching fetuses to skydive. I find it intriguing.
In this secondary that's supposed to bail them out only senior strong safety Darrell Stuckey looks to be a ray of hope to me. He can actually ball. The other safety Justin Thornton bounced around from cornerback to safety last year while the corners Patterson and Davis consist of a former wide receiver from Mesquite and a redshirt sophomore with 6 tackles, respectively. I would say I'm from Missouri on the DB's as a unit but it would only incite the Jayhawks more, if that's possible. Wait 'till you see some old people at the game and have your friends spring out from behind the concession stand yelling Bushwackers! They love that.
I guess there's a nickel in there somewhere. If anyone knows who it is and he plays better than Vasherized holds his martinis, please email his name to HenryJames. There's also some defensive linemen who might do some shit, who knows, it's late and it's Kansas football, after all. Maybe the right end Laptad can channel his inner Aaron Humphrey, because without Reservoir Dogs level violence from the pass rush that front 7 is toast.
On a side note I enjoyed the Kansas fans the last time I hung out with them, I think it was here in 2005. I found them to be generally docile folks wearing 'Our Coach is PHAT!' T-shirts with at least a semblance of interest in the game. Somewhat like myself watching soccer.
Prediction wise I'm going 7-5. I can't explain it. Like my crush on Susanna Hoffs. It just is.
Here's the schedule.
Sept. 5 Northern Colorado
Sept. 12 at UT-El Paso
Sept. 19 Duke
Sept. 26 Southern Mississippi
Oct. 10 Iowa State*
Oct. 17 at Colorado*
Oct. 24 Oklahoma*
Oct. 31 at Texas Tech*
Nov. 7 at Kansas State*
Nov. 14 Nebraska*
Nov. 21 at Texas*
Nov. 28 Missouri* (in Kansas City, Mo.)
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Excellent work.
I agree with 7-5. I see winning their first 6 and going 1-5 from there on out, with the lone win coming against KSU. They’ll then go on to fundamentally slobber knock some poor mid tier Big Ten team again, and be left wondering when they finally break through. Or they’ll invade Missouri. Whichever.
by flamingmonkeyass on Aug 31, 2009 3:24 AM CDT reply actions
I certainly see five losses. Great write up. Paula Poundstone in a thong huh? What a tortured place your mind must be. haha
by lowery on Aug 31, 2009 6:56 AM CDT reply actions
Great work, as per usual.
I am surprised by the 7-5 prediction though. But hey, maybe I’m blinded by love.
by hiphopopotamus on Aug 31, 2009 8:14 AM CDT reply actions
Nice write up. My favorite part was when the guy who roots for a team that played Arkansas State, UCF, and Rice in 2007, (beating Ark. St. and UCF by a staggering total of 11) talked shit on the 2007 Kansas schedule.
by Triston27 on Aug 31, 2009 8:49 AM CDT reply actions
Is Paula still wearing a necktie in this scenario?
by Steve Nebraska on Aug 31, 2009 8:50 AM CDT reply actions
Nice write up. My favorite part was when the guy who roots for a team that played Arkansas State, UCF, and Rice in 2007, (beating Ark. St. and UCF by a staggering total of 11) talked shit on the 2007 Kansas schedule.
Guy that completely missed the point
Hints:
by Huckleberry on Aug 31, 2009 9:04 AM CDT reply actions
“Nice write up. My favorite part was when the guy who roots for a team that played Arkansas State, UCF, and Rice in 2007, (beating Ark. St. and UCF by a staggering total of 11) talked shit on the 2007 Kansas schedule.”
We also played TCU and all the schools in the South.
How did your tour of the South work out for you last year?
by randywatson on Aug 31, 2009 9:27 AM CDT reply actions
I could see 8-4 from Kansas (Ls to the south and Nebraska). But I think Southern Mississippi is where you will truly know about the Kansas defense. USM has a lot of talent on offense, including a 6’6" receiver (wonder if the 5’9" corner will cover him). That could easily be a 45-42 shootout.
+1 for referencing Paula Poundstone without making me vomit (somehow), and for finding a way to insult Stoops.
-1 for obvious cracks on the Kansas landscape
p.s., I think the white guy is Rob.
by radiosilence on Aug 31, 2009 9:34 AM CDT reply actions
First, great article.
Second, I’m interested in seing the difference in the tones of repilies between the Jayhawk comments here and the comments we’ll
get on the basketball preview.
Personified, the tone difference will be similar to a skinny kid going on a 3 month cycle of deca-durabolin, HGH, and zebra prostate juice.
by Trips Right on Aug 31, 2009 9:37 AM CDT reply actions
What’s impressive is that Doperbo wrote this entire post in 15 minutes. Dude is efficient if anything else.
Chooky is officially on notice and has 30 days to respond.
It’s like an exotic call and response mating ritual in the wild.
by Vasherized on Aug 31, 2009 10:03 AM CDT reply actions
Barker fans have come to expect and enjoy (i imagine) excellent analysis flavored, but not overwhelmed, by snarky side commentary. This analysis was too much of the latter for me, and I stopped reading 2/3 through. I do agree that the geek eventually needs to beat the crap out of one of the jocks in study hall.
by caseylex on Aug 31, 2009 10:45 AM CDT reply actions
Huckleberry, Other hints:
1. It’s true, KU lost to missouri, but Texas didn’t beat the other 2. You lost to A&M. But saying KU wasn’t good that year because they played a soft schedule is ridiculous when you look at your own soft schedule.
2. I’m not saying you’re trumpeting your 2007 team, but nobody is claiming the 2007 Jayhawks as being world beaters. Remeber, it’s your writer who pointed out the 12-1 record and Orange Bowl victory. Sure, the media got excited for 2008 but they also knew it would be a tougher road. But it’s no different than the Texas media proclaiming a 14-0 season every year.
3. Who’s talking shit? I pointed out that it’s a little off to call a 12-1 teams schedule soft, when your 10-3 team had just as soft a schedule.
Randy watson: It went about as expected. But we’re discussing 2007 (when KU swept the South) keep up, man. Keep up.
by Triston27 on Aug 31, 2009 11:11 AM CDT reply actions
Yeah, my bad on the A&M thing. But you’re out of your gourd if you don’t think Kansas fans talked football shit after that year. Or, more relevantly to Doperbo’s post, went nuts with expectations. As for your #3 point, that doesn’t even make any sense. It’s illogical to call a 12-1 team’s schedule soft because a 10-3 team’s schedule was also soft? Seriously? How does that even make sense?
For the record, Sagarin and Massey agree – Kansas’ schedule was easier than Texas’.
by Huckleberry on Aug 31, 2009 11:33 AM CDT reply actions
“Who’s talking shit? I pointed out that it’s a little off to call a 12-1 teams schedule soft, when your 10-3 team had just as soft a schedule.”
No. Our 2007 wasn’t as soft as KU’s. First, we did not play a Division II school OOC.
Per Sagarin’s SOS, KU’s schedule was 74th in the country. Texas’ was 47th.
Best of luck this season.
by randywatson on Aug 31, 2009 11:43 AM CDT reply actions
Maybe I just know level headed people, but the people I spoke with weren’t proclaiming KU as the second coming of USC. We knew we caught some breaks with the schedule, but then again, we also made sure to win all the games that were winnable.
Yeah I fucked up the wording with #3. What I’m getting at is that it’s unreasonable to say that KU’s 2007 season wasn’t legit (and I know it wasn’t literally said) because of their soft schedule. Based on your links, there isn’t a huge difference in schedule ranks. And you linked Sagarin to show your point about schedule strength, so I’ll refer to your same Sagarin link when proving KU’s overall legitimacy in 2007.
by Triston27 on Aug 31, 2009 11:52 AM CDT reply actions
I laughed so hard at this article that my duodenum exploded. The insides of my rib cage are now covered in gastric chyme graffiti. Who do I see about this? Oh, you? This is a shrewd business model, imo.
by Chooky on Aug 31, 2009 11:57 AM CDT reply actions
“Best of luck this season.”
Thanks. Same to you.
by Triston27 on Aug 31, 2009 12:00 PM CDT reply actions
Doperbo isn’t the only one rapping about the Jayhawks …
by Vasherized on Aug 31, 2009 12:19 PM CDT reply actions
Todd Reesing is so popular on campus Ive been told he was given the honorary Nick Collison strand of herpes, the very same one!> So to say or imply they arent embracing football isnt entirely correct.
by Michael Beasley's Spiritual Guide on Aug 31, 2009 1:58 PM CDT reply actions
there were some pretty good lines in this but a little to much fluff for my tastes, the player breakdown was pretty weak. liked what was said about the line play, mangino usually has pretty good lines built from recruiting leftovers and position changes. reesing’s mobility and pocket awareness aids in this as well.
the defense breakdown i had issues with. the “star” line backing corp is gone, but anyone who watched football last year knows that was a misnomer other than james holt. the other starters weren’t built to play the spread, simple as that. this years backers have more speed at the cost of size, which will probably help and hurt at the same time when they play teams like ou with the ability of power running games it is for this reason that i am substantially less concerned about nebraska now that castille is caput.
i think the improvement of the front and back 4 will be enough to offset the new backers and maybe improve the defense over all.
by phineasgage on Aug 31, 2009 2:37 PM CDT reply actions
todd reesing’s herpes strands are actually all intensely fighting for body supremacy, leaving him unharmed with no room for further ailment or injury
he just has to make sure he maintains an ideal level of inebriation so he can keep his production up
by phineasgage on Aug 31, 2009 3:12 PM CDT reply actions
I like 8-4, at least, and maybe 9-3, all 3 losses to the South. I am just not bought in on Nebraska and KU gets them at home. Give me the senior quarterback, thank you.
by northdallassooner on Aug 31, 2009 3:55 PM CDT reply actions
When did Owen Wilson become the Jayhawks’ starting QB?
I’m predicting 10-2 and a Big 12N title for KU, with only losses being to OU & UT. They’re the only team in a very weak North with an established QB. NU is greatly overrated, and the Hawks catch them at home. Mizzou is rebuilding, CU just plain sucks as does ISU.
by fonzie on Aug 31, 2009 5:51 PM CDT reply actions
i find it unlikely ku will beat tech in lubbock unless for whatever reason potts can’t seem to handle the load like the last quarter century of tech qb’s
i mean they got beat by 42 last year. i realize one team underperformed and the other probably had it’s best game ever, but is tech going to be 42 points plus the home swing worse?
by phineasgage on Aug 31, 2009 6:38 PM CDT reply actions
if what can best be described as a patchwork offensive line can pass block in tandem (thus keeping Reesing out of the hospital), they win the North. Period. If that doesn’t happen, then look to last year’s Nebraska game for an illustration of how mediocre a great QB becomes without any time to work.
by greentrees on Aug 31, 2009 7:35 PM CDT reply actions
How come the Chalks get the good LMAO sh*t and the Buffs got stuck wit’ Henry and hacky sack cracks? Its a conspiracy, I’m tellin’ ya!
by earlt on Aug 31, 2009 9:59 PM CDT reply actions
Because we anticipated the annoyingness of earlt.
Thanks for the responses everyone. Sorry to thread-abandon, been in the hospital several days. No, not Shoal Creek, Chooky. Thanks for offering to share meds, though. Much appreciated.
The comments regarding fluff over analysis are valid. Two issues there; striking a balance between depth charts and snark is tricky, granted, and until we see kansas in the regular season i’m going from your slick glossy media reports which are about as accurate as our slick glossy media reports. The linebackers seem to be your key story this offseason. If that’s being blown out of proportion let us know. If there’s another sidestory with better traction for the season I’m all ears. This is supposed to be a fun give and take, after all.
It isn’t that last years linebackers were stars, I agree with that, hell I used Nick Reid’s pic. Looking at the consecutive starts you’re losing though and how desperate Mangino is at the position makes me think you’re in trouble there. You’re switching to nickel, bringing in Juco’s and moving a senior running back to LB in December. One of the most instinct driven positions on the field and you’re chucking graduating RB’s at it. Doesn’t compute.
BTW- Paula definitely loses the tie for yoga. Otherwise it crosses the line and this is a family site.
by Doperbo on Sep 1, 2009 2:56 PM CDT reply actions
yeah the backers probably won’t be too great this year but it’s not as bad as it could be. the running back has been speculated about as a backer because of all the people he knocked the fuck out while carrying the ball shortly before fumbling the ball, and from i’ve heard the juco looks pretty decent. neither are starters, the juco (vernon brooks) is in the two deep though. the point is this years group is substantially more athletic (blacker) so they are more suited for the style of play in league, just inexperienced.
and mangino said this week that the nickel will be situational and the 4-3 will be the base. take all of this for what it’s worth, i haven’t even been to see practice.
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