Second Degree Byrne

Ever eager to copy their big brother in Austin, the Aggies have their very own ridiculous website column written by a guy named Bill. Bill Byrne, Texas A&M Director of Athletics, to be exact. h/t to austindave for directing us to the treasure trove of unintentional comedy that is Wednesday Weekly with Bill Byrne. Enjoy.

New Mexico Football Game Review, And Inside Our Recruiting Philosophy

I jumped out of bed Sunday morning and ran out to get the paper. There's nothing better than "reading all about it" after a nice win. Back at work Monday, people had a bounce in their step. No matter where I've been since Saturday night, people are having fun talking Aggie football again.

No matter where I've been in the last several years, people have had fun talking about Aggie football. It's comedy gold, Jerry. Gold!

Last week, I mentioned here we would be better this year. Saturday, we showed three things clearly with our win over New Mexico. One, we have more team speed. On defense, speed put us in a position to tackle better. And, third we are more athletic at every position.

I see exactly nine things wrong with that paragraph. One, Bill said the Ags showed three things with their victory. And, ninth, he only talked about two of them.

***
You know from my previous columns how hard we work on staging our home games.

Wait a minute. Aggy home games are staged? Why would the Ags go to the effort to fix their home games, only to cast themselves in the role of Barry Horowitz?

null

One of the concerns we had this week was the flyover by the World War II aircraft we scheduled. These planes don't have computers or GPS. So, the pilots use the ol' stopwatch for guidance when they need to be over Kyle Field at the end of the National Anthem. Penny King, our Deputy Athletic Director, was standing with me on the sidelines and noted how the planes were in position at the exact time we asked. Kudos!

Yep. Great job, Penny! You noted the shit out of how the planes were in position at the exact right time.

And some of you think all we do is make sure the popcorn is popped and pump up the footballs on game day.

So, in addition to popping popcorn and pumping up footballs, your job as Director of Athletics also requires that you note the timeliness of gameday flyovers. Got it.

***
Let's talk about bats.

Let's!

It used to be the Mexican Free Tailed Bats at Kyle Field utilized a seasonal migration.

Dude, I totally remember that. That was so fucking awesome.

Now, many have taken year round residence in various nooks, crannies, and ledges around the stadium. Some of you reported spotting live bats during the game in some areas. Our staff works extremely hard each week cleaning up after the bats. It's an endless task. We'd love for the bats to find a new home, but we are limited in how much relocation assistance we can provide, because the bats are a protected species in Texas. Since the bats won't leave, my alter-ego "Dollar Bill" is working on a plan to charge the bats for admission to the football games. Everyone must have a ticket to enter Kyle Field.

I, for one, wish "Dollar Bill" good luck in his commendable effort to collect money from wild bats.

***
Another of the items our staff was monitoring last Saturday was pedestrian patterns around the stadium.

In other words, the staff was watching the Aggie offense. Aw, SNAP!

With the MSC closed for three years, we were unsure if folks would change the path and time frame traditionally used to access the Aggie Fan Zone, and the stadium gates.

One of the great things about Texas A&M is its rich history of traditions. Among the most unique Aggie traditions are the path and time frame that Aggies have used since time immemorial to access the Aggie Fan Zone and the stadium gates. That's what college football is all about, folks.

Our ticket office compiled some interesting statistics on the number of fans using each gate. More than 75 percent of ticket holders last Saturday entered Kyle Field via the Aggie Fan Zone and our gates nine through 14 in the north.

For example, 19,175 fans used Gate 14, while 11,146 entered at Gate 11.

This is like hard-core porn for Huckleberry.

We have a few suggestions for those of you seeking a quicker entry to Kyle Field. First, utilize the Express Entry points.

We also have a few suggestions for those of you seeking to relieve yourself more discretely. First, utillize the "restrooms."

Those fans without bags are admitted much quicker than those fans that bring along a purse or backpack.

Secondly, use a gate with less traffic. Last week, Gates 1 and 2 in the southeast corner of the stadium were used by 5,100 fans, while 4,000 fans entered at Gates 4 and 5 in the southwest corner. Remember, a few more steps to a less-crowded gate will save you valuable time in entering the stadium.

Also, be sure to hold hands with your Stadium Buddy at all times when walking to the gate. I typically buddy up with my alter ego, "Dollar Bill." Unfortunately, during all the excitement last Saturday, Dollar Bill lost track of all the Jack Daniels he was pouring back and got a little handsy with his gate buddy on the way out of the stadium. I was embarrassed. Not just for myself and for Dollar Bill, but for the members of our Aggy family who had to witness a grown man drunkenly molest himself on a stadium concourse and scream "I'll get my money yet, you good-for-nothing bats!" Please accept my apology on behalf of Dollar Bill. He has his demons, but he's a good man at heart.

***
September football games always present us with a concern for the health of our fans. Each week we prepare for a sellout crowd, especially when it comes to medical personnel, and fan safety and security. Our TAMU Emergency Care Team treated 18 persons with heat related symptoms. We're told none of those individuals were transported to the hospital. There have been many September football games at Kyle Field where many, many more fans were treated for heat related symptoms and even transported to the hospital. The weather, combined with a 6 p.m. kickoff, was beneficial for all.

...except for those 18 people who had to be treated for heat stroke. But they deserved it.

***
Let's talk about the Bullhorn guy.

Let's!

We continue to get lots of emails about this individual. As I've mentioned before, it is simply an issue of freedom of speech. He has the right to be on campus. He also has the right to use amplified equipment, because we use it in and around Kyle with our Aggie Fan Zone radio and television broadcasts, and in conjunction with other Fan Zone activities.

That is actually a direct quote from the United States Constitution.

You may not agree with the forum and or the message he has chosen, but many have agreed he has the right to say what he wants to say. Many Aggies have given their lives in military service to provide all of us the freedoms we enjoy daily. Freedom of speech is one of those.

I may not agree with what you have to say loudly through a bullhorn in a crowded venue, but I'd fight for your right to point that bullhorn right into my ear and scream incoherent obscenities. WHOOOP!

Some of you have considered physically confronting the gentleman. University Police have told us anyone who assaults an individual over 75 years old would be arrested and charged with an automatic felony.

So, be sure to carefully check any potential assault victim's identification before resorting to violence. On game day, just remember this simple Aggie rule: "75 and above, act with love. Younger than 74, pimpslap that whore."

Our advice to fans is to just keep walking, go about the business of supporting the Aggies and enjoying game day in Aggieland.

Supporting the Aggies and enjoying game day in Aggieland: serious business.

Skipping ahead...

Several of you emailed us about the difficulty in listening to our football game in Houston. First, I wish you would have been in Kyle Field with me.

Bill Byrne is the Aggie Family's Jewish mother.

In the scheme of things in Houston, we are not the priority for radio stations when it comes to conflicts with the Astros. We fall behind them on the pecking order.

Waaay behind them.

This week, our game was on a pretty good FM station (KODA 99.1), but we will work hard to let you know which station in Houston will carry the game each week. Click here for the weekly schedule.

Speaking of big-city radio coverage, since the day I stepped on campus, one of the big concerns raised by our fans was quality of radio coverage in the Metroplex, especially for our night games. I heard from several of you in the Metroplex about the great coverage on the radio we have this season. Many times, I receive emails during the game from fans offering their opinion about different things.

Oh God, I'd love to read those e-mails. Aggies expressing their opinions to the Athletic Director, mid-game? Those have got to be absolutely classic.

This game, the only email I received during the game was thanking me for our radio coverage in Dallas. You can listen to the Texas A&M Sports Network in Dallas-Fort Worth on 105.3 FM The Fan.

A big tip of the hat to our friends at Learfield Sports who worked hard to improve our radio coverage in Dallas. They stepped up financially to make this happen.

***
It was an interesting weekend in college football. Starting with a late punch on Thursday night,

Since Byron Hout was under 75 years old, the Texas A&M University Police are going to let LeGarrette Blount off with a warning.

some significant injuries on Saturday, and wrapping with a fantastic finish on Monday night. There were Division I-AA schools beating BCS-type programs, and mid-major conferences beating top conferences.

With the NCAA's rule on 85 scholarships, almost everyone has quality football players.

"Almost everyone." Way to buy yourself some wiggle room there, Bill.

With each passing year, we are seeing more and more parity in college football. People are no longer able to stockpile players. Kids want to go where they can play sooner than later. We are hearing this a lot from our 2010 and 2011 recruits. The landscape of college football is not making a complete change. However, there are new faces in the mix each year.

What a transparent attempt to manipulate the hopes of the Aggy faithful. "Hey, look at all those teams with no talent who are beating better teams. Everyone's doing it. Things are changing. Hold the rope!"

***
Despite what you read in the local newspaper, ticket sales for the Southwest Classic are going great.

Skipping ahead again (these things are long)...

***
Our Junior Aggie Club is one of the best entertainment values in town.

That sounds so creepy.

For $25, a child receives free admission to many Aggie athletic events and to the football game against UAB.

Wow! Free admission? And it only costs 25 bucks? What a bargain!

And family members of Junior Aggie Club members get half-price admission to the UAB game, too! This year we will have about 160 athletic events available for members of the Junior Aggie Club to attend for free. Click here for more information about joining the Junior Aggie Club.

***
Periodically, I get emails from fans wondering why we aren't recruiting a particular youngster. There are times when I will call the coach of the sport, and usually the coach tells me several things immediately about the kid. Our coaches know about a multitude of athletes across the country.

So do I. Because I follow sports, occasionally watch ESPN or read the newspaper, and am not living under a rock.

At the same time, our coaches target recruits. There has to be a reason to contact an athlete. If they are not an elite athlete from our coaches' perspective, and one capable of handling the academic rigors of Texas A&M, then the athlete is not on our priority list.

And if they do meet those qualifications, Texas A&M is not on their list. So it's kind of a Catch 22.

When I speak to recruits, I tell them they are lucky to be on campus for a visit,

And they laugh. Or weep.

because we recruit elite athletes who are good students, and who we think can succeed competitively in their sport and in the classroom at Texas A&M.

What better way to end this column than with some good, old fashioned Aggy delusion?

SB Nation Featured Video
X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Barking Carnival

You must be a member of Barking Carnival to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Barking Carnival. You should read them.

Join Barking Carnival

You must be a member of Barking Carnival to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Barking Carnival. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker