Bob Stoops on a Speakerphone

With OU’s majestic loss to BYU, one of the entertaining events that fans of college football have been deprived of is Bob Stoops’ weekly pandering to: a) install his team as the best Sooner squad ever,

b) declare an end to the Heisman race because Sooner QB1 has it in the fold like Saran wrap on a midwestern gunt (how else do you think Mangino gets his jeans on?), or c) ask somebody else that goddamn question because he’s a smug prick and doesn’t have time nor the care to answer it. Those usually pertain to his offensive line.

Don't you miss the real Bob?

Ever since OU backed its trailer (hitch nuts-first) into the title game last year, I’ve wished nothing but famine, disease, and misfortune on the Sooner program. That's really no different from any season but so far these metaphorical wishes have been granted. Those that feel a strong OU is somehow better for Texas hold no station in life and deserve to be locked in CloseToJumping’s basement with the other deranged pumpers, pimps, midgets, and malcontents.

down here lie the ghosts of echeese, carl reese, every texas fullback, sessamoid, and blake gideon

Feeling deprived of the weekly Stoopsian cocksuckery we’ve been accustomed to since Sir Robert arrived in Norman, Barking Carnival sent an intern across the Red River to see what our duplicitous friends to the North have been up to on their bye week. He dressed as a pharmaceutical sales rep carrying a heavy silver brief case and was granted instant access to the coaches weekly meeting.

Let’s just say Bob is wound up a little tighter than usual with Gresham abandoning ship (knee brace in tow), Sam Bradford seeking out the all-important seventh opinion on his fucked up shoulder, and the reality of 2-2 looming large after the trip to Coral Gables. This is a Big Game afterall, right Bob?

October fast approaches so get your Sooner roll call of derisive one-liners, embarrassing stats, and lower back tats in order. If that list is feeling stale, invent some new ones. Stewie from Family Guy is always a good resource, i.e., "Now look here you gourd-bellied codpiece!" Or if addressing a female Sooner: "You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash."

Game.On.

Our trusty intern fled Norman by horseback in the middle of the night with this transcript, dignity and brain cells remarkably intact.

Bob Stoops on a Speakerphone!

Stoops: Let’s do roll call. Schmitty.

Schmitty: Sir!

Stoops: Heupel?

Heupel: Sir!

Stoops: Bobby Jack?

BJW: Ehhhgaaaaptttthhhhh.

Stoops: Not again, Bobby! Sober up, we got work to do.

BJW: But ah Pitchd nuther shutout coach! Need pee … be ri back.

Stoops: Item 1 on the agenda, sponsored by Gaylord Field. Fuck, I hate it when I have to say that! It might as well be named after McCoy or Shipley. Get Boren on the phone and tell him we need a new sponsor, it’s challenging my narrow assumptions about gender and manhood.

HEUPEL! If you’re gonna pick it you gotta eat it. The rules are clear.

Back to Item 1: If Landry Jones is going to be the next Sam Bradford, we need have him kicked in the head by a mule so his eyes cross properly. We also need to fabricate a close relationship with God and source a distant Cherokee relative. No, make it Choctaw in case they try to trace it. Those fuckers are basically extinct. Bottom line, gentlemen! I expect at least 20 TDs and no more than 3 INTs in the next four games. These are reasonable expectations, ones that should be exceeded to meet the OU standard. Make it happen. No excuses. You heard it from me, Bob Stoops, on a goddamn speakerphone!

Heupel: Sir,uhh ... 20 TDs?

Stoops: Heupel, you want another 30 minutes in a romantic ice bath with McFarland? RESULTS, PEOPLE! If Bradford is out of the Heisman race, Jones better be in it. Oklahoma = hardware. Speaking of hardware. Schmitty, did you get my screwdriver back from Chaisson yet?

Schmitty: He won’t give it up, sir. I think it’s a personal attachment. But I have him on a cocktail of HGH, Adderral, Asian mustard seed, and ground oxtail hoof. His erratic, unstable behavior has returned and the results are promising so far. I expect a Dvoracekian senior season, assuming the medicine takes.

From 2-star role player to All-Conference stud in one short season!

Stoops: This is why I pay you the big bucks, Schmitty. Pretend I’m giving you a chest bump and we briefly touch visors. Because it'll never happen. No homo in the Sooner Schooner!

Schmitty: Sir, yes sir! Hey Heupel, where the fuck is Wilson? Looks like you're one coach short of a full staff. Ha! Full staff ... get it, Bob?

Heupel: Suck it, jort lover. Coach Wilson is down in Miami working the streets trying to get a few of their starting defensive ends incarcerated. We haven’t heard from him in a few days.

Stoops: See now Coach Switzer would call that FORWARD THINKING. But that does not excuse him from this conference call! Somebody dial him in.

Riiiiiing...

Wilson: Sup bitches. Wilson in the hizzy!

Stoops: Uh, Kevin? It’s Bob. You missed the call. NOBODY MISSES THE CALL! Your punishment is a 3 day seminar with the Norman chapter of the Landmark Forum. Those sickos won’t leave me alone unless I refer somebody else to the program. But they’ve turned me into a goddamn leading machine. I piss leadership and self actualization in my fucking sleep! Boomer!!!

Soooner!!!

Wilson: Yeah, uh dats great coach. Miami is da bomb! I got the 2014 recruiting class sewed the fuck up, G! They all got A.D. tats when they were in Juvey. Some dank ass weed, too. We goin to iHop. Ima baked as a boiled clam sittin in da sand bein da maaan...

Stoops: You really are in deep cover, Kevin. Excellent work, coach! You do the Oklahoma brand proud.

Wilson: Oh man, I love our band! Tell that midget pony I miss him. Baaaa baa baa ba ba ba baaa --

Dialtone.

Stoops: Item 2, sponsored by – oh fuck it. What do our spies in Austin tell us, Schmitty?

Schmitty: The good news is we were successfully able to infiltrate the bovine academic complex to infect Colt McCoy’s jock strap with a concentrated swine flu strain. The bad news is the jerkoff I hired to handle the job completed the mission on September 15th instead of October 15th, as originally planned. So you can scratch ponderos off the payroll. He’s just a useless blogger.

Stoops: Disappointment! That is what I feel towards you. Mixed with psychotic thoughts of sadomasochistic torture! But that's what losing to Mormons will do to a man from Youngstown, Ohio ...

Moving on! Do we have a plan in place to stop #2, Bobby Jack?

BJW: #2? All I care about is #1. And that’s Okeeelahomerrr. Baaaaahhhp!!

Stoops: No, mooseknuckle! #2, Sergio Kindle. Last year he almost killed QB1 in Dallas and two weeks he did the same to that Potts kid in a violent hit that secretly gave me wood. What can be done to stop this Predator? Other than, um, pay him to play for the good guys. Off the record of course.

BJW: Too late for that sir, we tried that back in High School. Apparently he comes from a family of strong moral character. All of our usual tests have come back negative. He’s simply not human.

Where is the one called Sam?

Stoops: I want our guys to practice nothing but leg whips, eye gouging, and chop blocking exclusively the next three weeks. Just do it on the scout team, they’re expendable.

Item 3, sponsored by ME damnit. Because I’M the one on a goddamn speakerphone. BOOOOMER!!

Unison: SOOOONER!!

BJW: Baaaaahhp!

Stoops: Give me one goddamn reason why Adron Tennell cannot catch a goddamn football! This is not the player we paid to come here. Heupel?

Heupel: Personally, I think coach Schmitt’s terror tactics have him so confused he’s now afraid to catch a pass instead of drop one. He constantly murmurs Gitmo in the huddle and knows all of our plays in Arabic. He clearly needs to be reprogrammed.

Schmitty: Heupel, maybe you need an arm bar to go with that crooked face? You wouldn’t last a week in my program.

Heupel: Actually I lasted two years you Roid Freak! Won a Heisman. Now quit running players off our team because they don’t like your "big needles".

Schmitty: Oh yeah? Why don't you add that to your wikipedia entry right after it says:

COMPROMISED by shoulder tendinitis of his throwing arm left over from his OUTSTANDING college career, Heupel was relegated to FOURTH string for the entire preseason, FAILED to make the team, and did NOT further pursue a career in professional football.

Stoops: Enough! Put Tennell in front of 3 tennis ball machines and set them all off at once. Make sure he’s bare ass naked and his immediate family is present. If he can catch 500 balls within 10 minutes and is still capable of walking, he can start next week. If for some reason inconceivable to me that he fails this task, the punishment is all of your wives get to go to a Megadeth concert with Chaisson.

This meeting is adjourned. BOOMER!!

Unison: SOONER!!

------------------

Email henryjames@barkingcarnival.com if you’re interested in applying for the 2010 internship. He's made a career out of them.

Seriously, do it.