Clipper Cooper: The Biggest Saturday of the Year!

by Scipio Tex on Oct 15, 2009 4:04 AM CDT in Texas Longhorns and Other Football

Skaaaanks.

The world has a handful of truly great cities - Riyadh, Monaco, Dallas - and this weekend highlights why Dallas is so often called the crown brooch in Lady Liberty's blouse.

I can't stop thinking about Saturday. I can't focus on my 20 hour work week, my short game, anything. Since Monday, I've barely created any synergy at work and I usually create SHITLOADS. I don't have to tell you why. It's on everyone's lips. No, not Carmex. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

It's about pageantry. Energy. Rivalry. History. Tradition. Tension. The roar of the crowd. A clash of Great Powers before a sea of adoring fans. The potential for violence. Women in Jimmy Choos scratching out each others eyes to be appointed Golf Tournament social chair...

Yes, it's time for the Dallas Cotillion Charity Auction & Raffle!

Last year, we raised money for some of the most upper middle class areas of the Metroplex - Plano, Frisco, Coppell. With our help, several families held on to their 4500 square foot Mediterranean Southern Art Deco Revival home after going underwater on zero down all interest loans. Skanks, some of these families makes less than 160K a year! How are you supposed to buy a surrogate to bear your children, keep your kids out of public schools, pay for cryogenic freezing after your death, secure a Honduran domestic? Aren't these basic human rights?

My exploits at the Cotillion are legendary. I don't have to tell you. You probaly knew that. The things I do are classic. CLASSIC!

Two years ago, they have a raffle for a Lexus GS350. Loaded. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Whatever. What does that even mean? Big deal, right? Who wants to drive that piece of shit? Anyhoo, Brooke hands me her ticket while she goes to the bathroom to purge (I'd caught her eating some garnish and had fixed her with a withering stare) and I'm left standing there holding a ticket like I'm some senior quality manager at a telecom. Like someone who vacations in Cancun. Well, wouldn't you know? They call out the numbers 5-8-3-2-7. Unbelievable! Now, my ticket actually says 5-3-3-2-1, but I make the first 3 a 8 and then I make the 1 into a 7. Just like I used to do with Dad's Isle of Man credit authorization codes.

Why would a Cooper commit fraud? First, because he can. Father alway said, "Clipper, RULERS don't follow RULES or else they'd be RULED." I don't think Aristotle could refute that logic. Second, I had thrown back 14 G&Ts in the space of one hour. Third, I wanted to teach society an important lesson. So I run up on the stage while some happy fat lady with the winning ticket dressed like a Homecoming Float is trying to stand up without triggering her diabetes. I'm handed the keys.

I take the keys and walk around the car, admiring it, while the crowd cheers wildly. I look over and see that some of my friends are gasping in disbelief. Did I actually enter the raffle? How common. I smile and place the ignition key against the car and slowly walk around, etching a deep scratch the whole way. The crowd goes quiet but I can hear my friends cheering wildly. "Oh my God, you've outdone yourself this time, Cooper!" and "This is better than the time we blackballed that Jew!" and "Let's go clamming in the Hamptons!"

Classic.

Last year, they had a Bachelor Auction. Brooke freaks out when I enter. Winner gets to spend a night out on the town with the Clipper. Brooke vows that no other women will have me. Whatever. Anyhoo, I walk out - a sweater tied around my shoulders wearing white gabardine pants and holding a sifter of brandy - and the Cotillion goes wild. Skanks are shouting out bids left and right because I'm a Cooper, I'm almost impossibly handsome (seriously - there is a PHD candidate at M.I.T trying to prove that I cannot exist), and my buttocks are supple from sculling and diuretics. Finally, when the bidding reaches some enormous sum, I see Brooke standing there near triumphant. She has done it! She is so happy. So full of life. Glowing. Going once...going twice...I raise my hand upwards, my index finger extended, and the auctioneer stops as any man would do when confronted with my natural leadership. I pull out my checkbook, write a check for one dollar more than Brooke's bid, and walk off of the stage.

I had bought myself.

I ate alone that night at an exclusive Filipino-French fusion brasserie in Highland Park (L' Petomane Du Manila) and refused all of Brooke's urgent texts.

The lesson was clear: no one may ever own a Cooper. Not even the Trilateral Commission.

And no filthy Sooner will ever own Texas.

Obviously, I'm going to the game Saturday afternoon before the Cotillion. Yes, I know the game starts at 11:00. That's an absurd kickoff time, one I can't take seriously. It's like the Barney Frank of kickoff times. I'll be just waking up then. I need time to have cocktails, exfoliate, have USA Today read to me. I'll make it to the stadium by halftime, see if we're winning, and then stick around if we are. If we're not, I will fax Sally Brown a reprimand, get in 18 holes, get ready for Cotillion. Pretty much the same gameplan that most of you probably have.

See you in Big D.

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For more of the Clipper Chronicles:

Game Day
Texas Tech (pre-game)
Wyoming

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Comments

The wait was worth it! Great work Scipio!

by Whitey on Oct 15, 2009 4:14 AM CDT reply actions

My eyes are misty. I’m smiling. (slow clap). Cheers, Clip.

by coloradoag on Oct 15, 2009 7:07 AM CDT reply actions

Clipper, how do you feel about moving the Texas/OU game to the new Cowboys Stadium in Arlington (Arlington is a town about halfway between Dallas and Fort Worth)?

by TaylorTRoom on Oct 15, 2009 7:42 AM CDT reply actions

Almost reason enough to root for Texas. That’s what that is.

by Hiphopopotamus on Oct 15, 2009 7:47 AM CDT reply actions

Favorite parts:

1) the cadence of “Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!”

2) the inclusion of Frisco as a site for charity

by parlin on Oct 15, 2009 8:07 AM CDT reply actions

I hope, sir, that ‘sifter’ of brandy was sieving some cheap swill not a fine Hors d’age, I abhor the waste fine spirits. If you aren’t warming your snifter between the a nice pair of DDs, then you obviously have no taste. I prefer mine warmed between the supple breasts of my colleagues’ fine, surgically-enhanced daughters.

by Richard 'Trey' Lobotome' III on Oct 15, 2009 8:25 AM CDT reply actions

"Let’s go clamming in the Hamptons!"

Good stuff.

Every time I read Clipper it reminds me of my trip to Pebble Beach this summer for the Concours d’Elegance. I swear there were two thousand Clipper Coopers there. The shoulder tied cardigans. The carried dogs. The proud announcements about how much you suckered someone into paying for something. And the hats. Oh the hats. Large and floppy with generous amounts of feather or lace for ladies. For men generally straw Panama Jacks without irony or perhaps a ball cap so long as it be emblazoned with ‘Rolex’ or ‘Ferrari’ or maybe ‘F-22 Raptor’.

by Minnesotahorn on Oct 15, 2009 9:13 AM CDT reply actions

I hate this guy

by wisconsinhornybadger on Oct 15, 2009 9:31 AM CDT reply actions

The clamming line was my favorite, as well. Great stuff.

I swear I ran into Clipper at Vivo last Friday. Fucker rolled up in a Beemer, wearing a navy sportcoat and pink slacks. One of his buddies was with him, wearing a navy sportcoat, loafers and shorts. Can it get anymore Cooperific than a sportcoat and shorts?

by BrickHorn on Oct 15, 2009 9:58 AM CDT reply actions

Clip, WTF!!!!!
I thought you were going trophy fishing in the Gulf with “Cubes” and me on Saturday!!!!
POW!!!

by D-Man on Oct 15, 2009 10:02 AM CDT reply actions

HenryJames and Doperbo on their weekly Friday night date.

by Vasherized on Oct 15, 2009 10:24 AM CDT reply actions

Wrong. I drive a Jag. Way less pretentious.

You know I was starting to actually pull for Clipper a little bit there and feeling happy for Brooke… right before he bought himself. God what an asshole. These are inspired.

by Doperbo on Oct 15, 2009 10:53 AM CDT reply actions

I go to snag my buddy at an off campus house my junior year for burgers n’ beers at the local shithole.

I walk in to clouds of smoke and potheads talking about the dead show tape they are listening to from 1985. My buddy stands up to go and the filthy, dreaded, white stoner on the couch says:

“Dude, don’t forget, we leave at 3 on Friday for my parent’s place in Stowe.”

Trustafarians: New England’s version of Clipper Cooper.

by BatesHorn on Oct 15, 2009 10:54 AM CDT reply actions

BatesHorn:
Did you go to Bates College in Lewiston?

by AustinDave on Oct 15, 2009 10:58 AM CDT reply actions

Great point, BatesHorn. We have plenty of those types in Colorado. Homeless looking hippies driving their Range Rovers to their deluxe chateau in Vail.

by coloradoag on Oct 15, 2009 11:05 AM CDT reply actions

In Texas we call them ‘Vasherized.’

by HenryJames on Oct 15, 2009 11:10 AM CDT reply actions

I did indeed. And I’ve heard every possible Psycho joke you skanks (that’s my word for the day) can drum up, so save it.

Coloradoag: I think the CO trustafarians that decided to not go to Boulder all ended up at either Bates, Bowdoin, or Colby. FWIW, those fuckers could ski, although listening to them bitch about icey east coast slopes and the lack of powder only excerbated their doucebaggery.

by BatesHorn on Oct 15, 2009 11:15 AM CDT reply actions

And the Blue Goose was the bar mentioned in your post? No psycho jokes from me, fellow Bobcat (Class of ’85).

by AustinDave on Oct 15, 2009 11:22 AM CDT reply actions

It wasn’t the Goose, that’s where I drank every other night of the week (for those that don’t know, when you go to college in a crappy mill town, you’re watering hole selection is worse than College Station’s).

It was some other pub that I never went to except Wednesday when they had a $7 for a pitcher and a cheeseburger deal. The name totally escapes me now.

Good to see a fellow Batesie on the board (Class of ’96).

by BatesHorn on Oct 15, 2009 11:54 AM CDT reply actions

The Cage.
D

by AustinDave on Oct 15, 2009 11:58 AM CDT reply actions

CC,

I found your commentary this week to be a tad droll. Certainly not up to the Cooper standard. It was lacking a certain style of moxie that that you have exhibited in the past. Where as the previous Cooper genius was an atom bomb of bravado, this posting was more like animalistic clubbing of a Neanderthal. However, I’m willing to give you a pass as the maxim “RULERS don’t follow RULES or else they’d be RULED” was inspired. I couldn’t agree more.

by Cotton Lindsey on Oct 15, 2009 12:47 PM CDT reply actions

L’ Petomane Du Manila.

Outstanding.

by Sailor Ripley on Oct 15, 2009 12:55 PM CDT reply actions

Clipper, I think you were my roommate freshman year. I swear that guy looked down on me because i was “barely” upper middle class. I dont know why he thought he was cool – his dad’s plane didnt even have jet engines. loser.

by mikecrabtree on Oct 15, 2009 1:01 PM CDT reply actions

Clip,

Rumor around the Park is it that Cotillion will be having another Bachelor Auction again. Should you be so inclined to volunteer your precious time again this year, I vow to take down every bit of Brooke, and her increasing size (yes the ladies have noticed), and out bid her this year. Stay clear of the Beluga Caviar (her fav) and I will see YOU on Saturday.

by Kitty Hollingsworth on Oct 15, 2009 2:08 PM CDT reply actions

how does the food smell at L’ Petomane Du Manila.

by huge on Oct 15, 2009 4:13 PM CDT reply actions

Clipper needs his own blog, website, whatever. This needs to happen.

by ChicagoTTU on Oct 15, 2009 4:47 PM CDT reply actions

have USA Today read to me.

Perfect.

by The General on Oct 15, 2009 7:29 PM CDT reply actions

“I hate this guy”

This statement makes you an anomaly. You should feel honored that a man of Clippers modesty and greatness would choose to keep his residence in a measly fly over state. I find him positively synergizing.

Here’s hoping Cooper Industrique never leaves the country for tax purposes.

by magnusbleuveigner on Oct 15, 2009 7:50 PM CDT reply actions

“have USA Today read to me.”

Yeah, that didn’t really reach full comedic impact until I came back to re-read the post.

The genius is in the little touches.

by blackscholes on Oct 15, 2009 8:41 PM CDT reply actions

This honestly get funnier every time I read this.

Scip, what do you do for a living?

by Veritas on Oct 15, 2009 9:38 PM CDT reply actions

I pay him a modest sum to entertain me. And this is how he shows his gratitude, with these lazily crafted ‘imitations’ of me. Like I even know or care who Sally fucking Brown is.

by nordberg on Oct 15, 2009 10:14 PM CDT reply actions

Scipio works for a creative design studio in San Bruno. He enjoys Japanese floral design, wicker basket collectibles, and several forms of expressive dance.

by Doperbo on Oct 16, 2009 8:54 AM CDT reply actions

Nordberg,

I thought you were going to get knocked out until 10/17/09. Only to be resucitated at 9 a.m.? Just in time for mimosas.

My guess for Scip is he works at the garlic fry stand at Pac Bell, thus explaining his free time for creative writing.

by magnusbleuveigner on Oct 16, 2009 9:41 AM CDT reply actions

He writes speeches for conservative politicians.

by Vasherized on Oct 16, 2009 9:49 AM CDT reply actions

He’s an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.

by HenryJames on Oct 16, 2009 10:03 AM CDT reply actions

Scipio Tex makes a living seducing emotionally vulnerable widows and then poisoning them for the insurance money.

by BrickHorn on Oct 16, 2009 10:11 AM CDT reply actions

The horror… the horror…

by Art Vandelay on Oct 16, 2009 11:03 AM CDT reply actions

Bret Easton Ellis approves. Or, he’s going to sue your ass.

by Phenomenal Smith on Oct 16, 2009 11:16 AM CDT reply actions

I have been refreshing this homepage every 5 minutes since the Clipper owned the boards vs. Brooke in a basketball game. Please don’t wait so long and starve us from your updates. I seriously need to know what your doing every day. Thanks.

by goosehorn on Oct 16, 2009 11:17 AM CDT reply actions

Vasherized,

You missed the joke, these were designed to be put downs. Silly.

by magnusbleuveigner on Oct 16, 2009 11:41 AM CDT reply actions

Honestly, Clipper Cooper is the reason I visit this website. Don’t ever stop doing this feature. And don’t make us wait so long next time, skanks.

I’ll be in Palm Beach. I’m out.

by Parker Parkerton on Oct 17, 2009 2:48 AM CDT reply actions

So I’m at Chuy’s after work yesterday, partaking in a proper dosage of Mexican beers, meats and cheeses, when I notice Clipper Cooper’s Sooner doppelgänger at a table with his “Brooke” and parentals. He’s carrying on about how his fraternity brother can’t stand Japanese people because he can’t see their eyeballs. The whole table erupts in laughter. He’s wearing boat shoes. No socks. Enough said.

by BlintzPackage on Oct 17, 2009 8:59 AM CDT reply actions