Sam Bradford's Press Conference

It's been reported that Sam Bradford canceled his afternoon press conference yesterday in order to "gather more information" before reaching a decision. We've been provided a transcript from the exchange.

Good afternoon some of you. Are there any questions?

Where is Sam Bradford?

That’s a stupid question. Anyone else?

We were told he would be announcing his decisions around surgery and discussing his future this afternoon, is he really not here?…

“We were told. We were told. Meh meh meh.” God that’s annoying. I was told I’d win 5 National Championships when I signed that paper Mephistopheles gave me. You think that’s fair? He was supposed to be a fundamental daemon and execute the scheme of the contract. I think it speaks to effort, and his follow-through is for shit. I’ve got a chess set made out of Big 12 championship trophies and can’t win another BCS game to save my fucking life. Literally. The point is I’m not whining about it. That’s what makes me a real man… what’s your name again?

Margaret

Well Barbara you need to learn to deal with disappointment and move on. It’s tiring listening to you. In fact why don’t you turn around and face the back of the room for the rest of the interview. Just go on and turn around. That’s it.

But..

Just turn around. Turn it. Turn it. Turn it. Turn it on around. Turn it. That’s it. Turn it. All the way. Quit looking over your shoulder. There you go. You face that way from now on. Go ahead and stare at that wall. Any other questions?

Do you have any updates on the status of Sam’s shoulder?

He has a minor sprain, as I’ve told you repeatedly. It’s a sprain and it’s minor. A minor sprain. Minor. Sprain. Minor…. Sprain….. Minor. Two words. Sounds like …. Guy with a pickaxe…. Yes good. Good. Good. Miner. Last word. Sounds like. Water falling around. Rain, yes. Miner…. sounds like rain. This is me doing charades for you retards so you’ll get it. Minor Sprain! Perfect , you in the back. Nice hair piece. Okay, Everyone write that down. Minor Sprain. Jesus.

Will he come back this season?

We haven’t ruled out his return this season, we’ll have to work with the team docs and see where we are heading into next week. We’re going to take it a day at a time. Day by day. See where we are. One day at a time. We’re just happy to be here. Give our best, all that. We want to do what’s best for Sam. That’s our only real goal here. Do whatever is in his best interest. Players come first. Yada Yada. Looking out for Sam. Make sure you write all that down.

Have you any word from Dr. Andrews in Alabama regarding his condition?

Who?

James Andrews, the orthopedist. In Alabama. Best shoulder guy in the world. You know who I’m talking about. I know you do.

Maybe I know the guy, maybe I don’t. There are a lot of guys named Andrews, maybe I know this one. Maybe he’s a smart guy. Maybe some smart guys think they know what a shoulder is supposed to look like on the inside. Maybe they’re right, who’s to say. It’s hard to say sometimes. What’s supposed to happen. Everyone is different. This guy gets into his car and it starts up just fine. This other guy finds 6 pounds of C4 strapped to his fuel tank. Who knew? What’s normal for some people isn’t for others. That’s all I’m saying. Crazy world.

Are you suggesting that Dr. Andrews… wait what are you suggesting exactly?

I’m not suggesting anything. Shoulders are complicated. Sometimes complications happen around complicated things. That’s all I’m saying. Look, you turn around too. I’m tired of you. Turn around and stare at the back of Margery’s head. Turn it. Turn it. Don’t make me come down there. Turn around. That’s better. Are there any other questions from the people that are facing me?

Do you have any detailed information on the state of his injury you can share with us, any facts or anything at all?

I suppose you’re omniscient, aren’t you. You can understand everything in the universe. You can understand the acromioclavicular joint better than anyone who ever lived. You could draw one and sign it backwards, because you’re Leonardo freaking Da Vinci. Come on up here and draw us a shoulder on the dry erase board, Leo. Dazzle us all. Let’s see the whole apparatus. Show us the clavicle and the perspex and the doohickey and all that crap. Get up here. No? No? Why are you crying? Get up here. That’s what I thought. I think you better turn it on around.

Any more questions? No? Noboby?

Bye.