A Day in the Life of the Insecure Texas Fan

I love this blog. Maybe my favorite one you’ve written yet.

Funny! Chili’s has good skillet queso, huh?

No mention of s.o. with whiskey in her boot. -1

Great Kay Bailey save. +1

Continuation of ctj obsession with death by fire. +1

General Awesomeness. +2

File this under “nonfiction.”

I liked this one:

5:15pm: Pull out Big Chief tablet and lipstick. Write letters to 7 different AP writers that placed Florida above Texas in their final AP ballots. "Dear Douchetard (hahahahahaha), Why don’t you eat a bag of dicks? How about this? How about this? Why don’t you die in a fire (LOLZ!!!!!!)? You are a Texas hater! Well guess what!?! Well guess what!?! We hate you too. We hate you with the white hot heat of a 1,000 fiery suns. You better remember that the next time you think of voting against us, asshat (DIAF! EABOD!!!). Sincerely, A Very Sincere Texas Fan".,

Have you bugged Scipio’s house?

No fucking way ‘Insecure Texas fan’ properly uses you’re.

“The bias is real to me!”

It’s funny cause it’s true

Dude, this could have been me thursday night. I was banned on orangebloods for replying to a poster with 5 step by step techniques he could use to go kill himself. The faitful post included a lot of flowery verbiage like faggotry, asshattery, douchebaggery, ligature of the larynx, and shooting yourself in the face. I don’t think the mods liked it.

That typed, yours was a funny post man.

That’s the most fervor I’ve ever felt upon reading “bubble bath.”

You scared me into thinking the Iowa St. game was tonight, bastard.

You forgot the part about writing a mudhole post.

Not sure how that would have anything to do with being an insecure fan. It’s all the folks who whine about it being a jinx that have a problem as far as I’m concerned.

Wow. I thought it was just me. Every time one of my wet dreams is about to conclude with the most joyious of endings, Angelina Jolie performs a beautiful spinner 180 to go reverse cowgirl and this is when I notice Brent and Herbie sitting on stools in the corner. And Brent kills the whole fucking thing by saying, " folks, I don’t think this is what his Daddy had in mind when he put a handful of Texas dirt under his crib".

Did not I see you at Hobby assisting the Heights’ Arsonist thru security for his flight to Tusculoosa?

So, is this insecure Texas fan guy a fag or what?

Sexual discrimination mediation meeting at 3:30 with VP of HR and said fag..

Which preceded his big pharma meeting on the Main Line.

As a UT fan who does his share of whining, er, raising questions regarding media perception, I’d have to say I’m mystified by any Texas fan who complains that Brent Musburger has any sort of anti-Texas bias.

Or, for that matter, ANY fan of ANY team he has ever covered.

Of course, it’s a lot better if you can arrange for one or more of your players to have one-syllable names or colorful nicknames or mildly intriguing backstories. So you know that losing Colt McCoy nearly killed the man.

But I can guarantee you he’s gonna be on the GG train for the next 2-3 years because of the MNC game.

“You scared me into thinking the Iowa St. game was tonight, bastard.”

thought the same thing.

CTJ needs to write one of these for the beleagued, mute UT basketball fans.

It could start like this,
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“December 2, 2009. It was a dark and stormy night, but I wouldn’t know because I was in the Drum with a few dozen other diehard hoops fans watching UT men’s basketball play Idaho City College.

With Texas leading 134 to 15 near the end of the 1st half, ICC has broken out the oxygen masks and salt tablets. Coach Barnes has already emptied the bench and is taking volunteers from the crowd.

With those cold, bloodshot eyes, Barnes looks at me, a pasty, middle-aged white man, and motions for me to come over. Is this it? My chance to “play” for UT?

Coach Barnes, “Say, Texoz. ICC needs someone to mop up the vomit behind their bench. Grab a bucket and get to work.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

…or something like that, but funny.

Dude that was an illegal spear. WATCH THE REPLAY IN SLO-MO!!!

And Chili’s queso rocks.

big pharma sucks.

My wife and I were pissed to find out that Chili’s has taken the queso off of their 3 courses for $20 menu.
And here in the Florida Panhandle, I see lots of Alabama truck flags, caps, and toothlessness daily. Tough to deal with, even for the secure fan.

youre taking this shit a little far dude.. not to mention setting yourself up for a heart attack w/i 5 years.. anyway, im not gonna tell you that i dont want to punch herbstreit in the face every time he talks about why were not good or wont win, cause i do.. but hes ALWAYS done that, along with most of the other “analysts” on espn, who live on the east coast and dont start watching texas games til november.. why are you surprised? and we did finish #2 in BOTH polls — rightfully so — but still, thats unprecedented after losing a national championship game. thats respect. what more do you want?

and why be all a&m about it and start whining about spearing? it was a freak ass injury, dont try to blame bama for it thats just vaginal of you.

After reading through what seemed like a weeks worth of angst from the insecure Texas fan, I realized it was only 9:41AM of his day. That in and of itself made me LMAO.

Thanks for the blog. Finally something worth reading at one o’clock in the morning.

atlhorn:

PLEASE tell me you are joking!

Hi atlhorn,

Have we met?

althorn,

Let me get this straight:

CTJ writes "Bawl loudly in the shower… Masturbate to conjured image of Kay Bailey Hutchinson in Texas cheerleader garb", and you think he’s serious?

Through either sheer genius or world class asshattery, atlhorn just managed to out do CTJ, which elevates this post to epic.

Wait, this wasn’t true? I suppose you’re gonna tell me the Dreamwagon doesn’t really exist next.

The original piece was funny enough, but it’s taken to another level by the guy who thinks this a literal transcript of an average day for CTJ.

It says awesome things about atlhorn that this seemed like the description of such a reasonable day that he felt it needed to be defended.

McCoy is the Heisman favorite
By HenryJames on October 21st, 2008

Sh*t!

atlhorn -

let’s just spell it out for you… this post is poking fun at texas fan. you see close to jumping is making a joke. tongue in check, hyperbole, parody, laughing at ones self. when you have to explain the joke it’s not funny anymore. please go back and read all mudhole posts.

atlhorn is scally’s other handle.

‘Applewhite Cultist’ remains the gold standard.

It’s not really fair to compare something like this to that, blackscholes. That one stands alone. This was whimsy from a non-Scipio.

scally is DuckHorn on shaggybevo.com

HAR HAR HAR BEST IN LONG TIME——-Poor Duckhorn got banned ; a real bummer

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