March Madness To Expand By End Of The Month

terrible

I win! Ha Ha Ha Ha!

I hate this. Three months of exhibition games, to decide the seeding.

Hi, we’re here from the NCAA.

We’re just here to look around and act without any real contextual awareness or sense of proportion.

IUPUI – Don’t make me drive across town again!

Don’t mind us. We’ll be over here fucking up the best sporting event in America.

Thanks.

I should probably starting picking my brackets now.

Srr50-
 
I can’t thank you enough for these updates, as sad and miserable as they are.
 
Who else thinks Sam Houston St is really being undersold in this first round match with UC-Santa Barbara?!!?!?
 
Who you got for Drexel-Rice?

Hell, let’s just add Bowie Junior High and the Little Dribblers. I’m sure if we expand the tournament enough, every pedophile worth his salt will pay good money to watch those boys’ shorts flutter in the breeze. If those greedy bastards at the “nonprofit” NCAA can make two nickels to rub together, I’m sure they will figure out a way to do it.

Hook ’em.

Let’s face it, it just wasn’t the NCAAs this year without North Carolina, UCLA, and Indiana. It probably wouldn’t have been fair to give them explicit automatic berths to the field of 65, but this will be the next best thing.

D1 Football with a 2-team playoff, D1 Basketball with a 96-team playoff. Both give the finger to fans and competitive integrity.

Right when the tourney is making its final four appearance in Houston. Allsome!

It would be hilarious/depressing if a team like this year’s North Carolina made it in the tourney, got its act together, and went on a final four run.

Fuck the NCAA. Now and forever. I hope every single one of the small-minded assholes responsible for this die slow, agonizing deaths from infections brought on by quality time with syphiltiic tranny hookers.

At least we’ll get out of the first round next year.

TBS lands Conan and now potentially the NCAA tournament? Not a bad week.

Ted Turner has a history of pulling off the impossible. It all started when he leveraged a complex array of debt to buy the Atlanta Braves in 1976 without $1 of his own money, or really any cash/assets to show other than a struggling billboard business his Dad founded and a few local in-the-red TV stations. He convinced the owners that the money he already paid for local broadcast rights was a sufficient downpayment. A dynamic smile goes a long way. Just ask David Frost.

The next year, Turner appointed himself manager and coached one game (lost) before MLB said “Ted, you can’t do that.”

Owners had been prevented from managing their teams since the 50’s but Turner has always co-opted silly things like Rules & Laws to suit himself and his businesses.

Here is my proposal. All 347 schools fielding Division I basketball teams qualify for the tournament.

ROUND ONE – Sunday, March 13, 2011

The 232 teams with RPI rankings in the bottom two-thirds will square off in the first round, dubbed the "Ether Round." To minimize travel expenses and loss of class time, these games will be played virtually, beginning one hour after the announcement of the bracket. Video of actual computer-controlled game play will be broadcast on a new network – ESPN-XBOX.

The student-athletes will then spend the week reading ahead on their assignments to mitigate lost class time over the next few weeks.

ROUND TWO – Saturday, March 19, 2011

Beginning on the Saturday following Surfeit Selection Sunday and the conclusion of Round One, 116 teams will advance to Round Two, where they will play the 115 top-third teams that received a first round-bye, and the Harlem Globetrotters. To broaden interest in the tournament, and to more evenly distribute positive economic impacts, Round Two games will be played at 4-team sites located in the 58 U.S. counties with the smallest population per square mile, that also have a basketball venue capable of seating 8,000. Games will last 30 minutes, with no halftime. The first team to forty points wins. This round will be broadcast online on ESPN 360, and also on Versus.

ROUND THREE – Saturday, March 19, 2011.

One hour after the conclusion of Round Two, the winners meet to determine who advances to the 58-team "Money" Bracket. Games will be of normal length. These games will be broadcast on the Travel Channel, and will be preceded by a one-hour travelogue about each of the 58 pod sites, broadcast to random portions of the country outside of each site, as determined by the Cray Jaguar Supercomputer.

ROUND FOUR – Monday, March 21st, 2011; Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011.

Teams will be re-seeded based on length of game time in Round Two and average margin of victory in Round Three, as announced during a three-hour extravaganza on ESPN-U on the preceding Sunday. The two lowest seeds are discharged from the tournament, but players from those teams are paid to work as color analysts on Round Four broadcasts, with a text message contest to determine which player/analyst will receive a paid internship to work opposite Pam Ward on Big 10 early games during the 2011 football season in the fall (unless the Globetrotters have advanced, in which case they are discharged from the tournament in lieu of one of the low seeds, and are compensated with one tour year’s supply of confetti buckets).

The 56 remaining teams will play this round in traditionally formatted games in fourteen 4-team pod sites located equidistant from the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame in Kansas City, Missouri. Each day’s first games will tip off at 1:00 p.m. E.S.T., so that annual pilgrims to Las Vegas will be able to get a little sleep before placing their wagers for a change. ESPN and ESPN 2 will suspend all programming in which people shout at each other to show these games.

ROUND FIVE – Wednesday, March 23rd; Thursday, March 24th, 2011.

The surviving 28 teams will play a version of HORSE, entitled "M-O-N-E-Y" to determine who advances to the round of fourteen. Each member of the starting five from the previous game will shoot. Substitutions may be made if a starter has missed their shot on two successive turns. This round will be shown on C-SPAN, because it can be found on the lowest tier offered by cable providers.

Friday, March 25th, will feature a mandatory four-hour study hall for all student-athletes, then travel.

ROUND SIX – Saturday, March 26th, and Sunday, March 27th, 2011.

Teams will rotate one site to the east of their Round Four and Five contests. In a nod to tradition, games will be shown on CBS. Billy Packer will be given one minute at halftime to rebut incorrect color analysis from the comfort of his living room.

ROUND SEVEN – Saturday, April 2nd, 2011..

The Seven on Seven contest will eliminate five teams. In this event, to be held at the Houston Astrodome, 1 million dollars in small bills will be dropped from the rafters. Each team’s starting five will be positioned in line at the wagon gate in center field. Each player will grab as much cash as they can stuff into a hollowed out regulation-size basketball. The contest will last twenty minutes. Substitutions will be allowed at the ten minute mark. The two teams accumulating the most cash advance to the championship game. All money will be donated to each school’s scholarship fund, after deductions for any travel to the championship game, and pizza parties for the five runners-up.

ROUND EIGHT – Monday, April 4th, 2011.

The championship will be played at Rucker Park in New York City. Only persons who can prove New York residency north of 123rd Street, in addition to 150 Disney, ABC and ESPN "celebrities" and their entourages and security personnel, will be allowed on the grounds to watch in person. The game will be broadcast worldwide on every channel and medium controlled by Disney.