Texas Basketball Lectured By Soccer Mom On Overreward

by Scipio Tex on Apr 13, 2010 2:03 AM CDT in Texas Longhorns and Other Basketball

The Texas basketball team had their annual awards banquet , and managed to eclipse even the football team's harvest of obscure awards.

Everyone got a trophy! YEAAAA!!!!!

Some of my favorite awards:

Mike Wacker Comeback Award sponsored by United Healthcare: Alexis Wangmene

The Mike Wacker award symbolizes courage, strength, heart, and a team utterly collapsing when facing moderate adversity.

Jack Gray Award sponsored by the Texas Exes: Jai Lucas

The Jack Gray award goes to the player whose father is owed the most favors by McDonalds All-American selectors. Mr. Paulus, presenter.

Athletic Director's Scholar-Athlete Award: Dogus Balbay

Dogus can crossover on you in Turkish or English. Great student. Interestingly, if you make him take a test from fifteen feet out, he scores around 10%.

Earlene Fulmer 3-Point Attack Award(!!!): Avery Bradley

NBA scout - So Avery, why should we draft you?

Avery Bradley- I am the winner of the Earlene Fulmer 3-Point Attack Award!

NBA scout - Enjoy Europe.

in Los Angeles, NBA game, Bradley faces Kobe twenty five feet out

Kobe Bryant: Yeah, take it rook. Don't be shy. I'll give it you.

Avery Bradley: (swish) EARLENE FULMER, MOTHAFUCKA!

Kobe Bryant: (upset) Was that the name of the girl in Colorado?

Hustlin' Horns Award : Matt Hill

Matt has been dead to me since he cut his Jewfro. Other things Matt Hill is dead to? The box score.

Spirit Award: Clint Chapman

Also known as The Grudging Acceptance Award, Sponsored by Condescension. The recipient receives a kazoo, a faceful of glitter, and a cologne of discomfort.

Most Improved Player: Jordan Hamilton and Gary Johnson

Now renamed the 6 foot 7 Black Hole Award. NOT RACIST!

Team Captain: Justin Mason

When he accepted the award, it cut him. They stopped the blood with a program.

***

I'd like to offer some of my own awards:

The Gabe Muoneke Award, sponsored by NutGuard: Vacant

The Jason Klotz Soul Train Award: Vacant

The Valtrex Tenacity Award: Damion James

Most Likely To Be Attacked By A Kurd: Dogus Balbay

Best Beatboxer: Dean Melchionni.

Begin mockery sequence...now.

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Comments

How about…
The Sir Isaac Newton Award for Potential and Kinetic Greatness – Andrew Dick
For the future possibility of Dick in-a-box…score references.

by Squeezel on Apr 13, 2010 4:47 AM CDT reply actions

“Most Likely To Be Attacked By a Kurd”—fucking brilliant.

by spit and tears on Apr 13, 2010 5:08 AM CDT reply actions

Brilliant, Sad & Inevitable.

by Currently in Rehab on Apr 13, 2010 6:53 AM CDT reply actions

symbolizes courage, strength, heart, and a team utterly collapsing when facing moderate adversity.

This sounds more natural in the original French.

by parlin on Apr 13, 2010 7:30 AM CDT reply actions

They should have just canceled this year’s banquet.

Or held it in January.

by nordberg on Apr 13, 2010 8:22 AM CDT reply actions

symbolizes courage, strength, heart, and a team utterly collapsing when facing moderate adversity.

“This sounds more natural in the original French.”

OK, let’s try it.

Il symbolise le courage, la force, le coeur, et une equipe qui totalement s’effondrer face a l’adversite.

Huh, whaddya know, it does sound better.

by t1climb1 on Apr 13, 2010 9:03 AM CDT reply actions

The EU should placate Turkey and tell them that Turkey will be fully admitted to the EU if Balbay can hit three successive three pointers.

by alma on Apr 13, 2010 9:12 AM CDT reply actions

Alma,

I think Germany, the main opposition to the move, will endorse this.

by magnusbleuveigner on Apr 13, 2010 9:20 AM CDT reply actions

Wow, I sincerely thought some of these awards were a joke before I followed the link.

by JSB on Apr 13, 2010 9:59 AM CDT reply actions

“Congratulations Damion James, Dexter Pittman, and Justin Mason! You’ve won the Senior Awards!!”.
“Sweet! Wait, what’s that mean?”
“It means you were seniors.”
“Oh. Well, thanks. I guess.”

by nordberg on Apr 13, 2010 10:11 AM CDT reply actions

“The Valtrex Tenacity Award.”

This nugget of genius sticks out like a cold sore.

by NateHeupel on Apr 13, 2010 10:55 AM CDT reply actions

Now you know why Scipio went dark for two months. Apparently that shit is a huge blow to the ego.

by Vasherized on Apr 13, 2010 11:26 AM CDT reply actions

Realy question: do these awards come with money? I know that Colt got some money for one of the awards he was given this year. I was wondering if it is legal to give an award with money to a student who will be playing another year.

by 06_UT on Apr 13, 2010 12:34 PM CDT reply actions

I don’t think it’s legal to give money to a player who can’t play anymore, if the school gives it. KU ran into this a few years ago with Roy Williams. IIRC, he authorized (or at least knew about) seniors getting suits paid for by the school.

by Bob in Houston on Apr 13, 2010 12:43 PM CDT reply actions

C’est magnifique le Wacker!

The winner of the Earlene Fulmer 3 Point Attack Award wins a set of dueling pistols and a kaleidoscope.

by Scipio Tex on Apr 13, 2010 1:02 PM CDT reply actions

And the winner of the Geoff Ketchum Uber Douche Award is…

“Comped Penthouse digs? Check. Upset a French guy at the card table with one of the best hands of poker I’ve ever played? Check. Win at the sports book? Check. Learn a new vice called blackjack? Check. Comped cabana at the Palms pool? Check. Chance encounter with an incredibly smoking hot celebrity? Check. VIP status at Ghost Bar and Rain? Check.”

by mr. sunshine on Apr 13, 2010 1:23 PM CDT reply actions