Feel the love, Jet style.
Repartee will commence 15 minutes before the draft.
Draft Foreplay:
Dilfer, Carter, Jaws all piling on the notion of Tebow as a first rounder.
Key just said it's a "wasted pick."
This was, of course, after the obligatory disclaimers that they'd be happy to let Tebow get to 2nd base with their daughters.
Things the former NFL players aren't considering? The irrationality of owners, the financial need to drive fan interest by taking the local legend (see Jacksonville), and the fact that GMs and coaches aren't exactly paragons of rationality themselves.
Dez Bryant now being interviewed. 580 SAT, maximum.
Dez already referring to himself in both the 3rd and 1st person. Keyshawn Johnson offers a character reference and says that Dez is an academic All-American. I would like the verification on that.
Mel Kiper has gotten really defensive now that Todd McShay is cutting into his I Pass Off NFL GM Opinion As My Own shtick. What Peter King has perfected, let no man put asunder.
Who is more grating: Chris Berman or Dick Vitale? Vitale is the easy choice, but Berman's false bonhomie is insidious.
An august panel aside from Berman:
Chris Mortensen, of the Matt Jones is better than Vince Young athletically and as a person Big Idea. He's only Matt being productive on a football field and not a cocaine dealer away from being right. The draft is about these sorts of tiny margins of difference.
Adam Schefter, whom I like. He's a credible gossip.
Steve Young, who will offer analysis of the "He's just a FOOTBALL PLAYER!" variety.
Mel Kiper has Eddie Munster's widow's peak.
Jon Gruden is entertaining. His refusal to critique anyone meaningfully makes him an industry guy though.
Tom Jackson is solid and inoffensive.
It's Suzy Kolber! Kiss her, Sam! Kiss her!
It's Erin Andrews! Touch her, Jimmy!
Colt is probably going to get fat Shelly Smith.
No, it's some blond cutie.
Colt has seen better in Waco.
The Draft has become a White Trash Hajj. Check out some of these crowd shots.
TE Rob Gronkowski is in attendance. NOW WE'RE DRAFTING!
***
THE DRAFT
1. St. Louis Rams - Sam Bradford.
The Rams need him to play immediately, they have minimal supporting cast aside from Steven Jackson, and he didn't distinguish himself under pressure in college. Sam is going into the fire. I wish him well.
2. Detroit Lions - Ndamukong Suh.
Suhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goes to a urban wasteland after spending college in a rural wasteland. Easy adjustment. The House of Spears migrates to the financial House of Cards.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Gerald McCoy.
Gerald not only a millionaire, but the toughest person ever named Gerald in human history.
4. Washington Redskins - Trent Williams
Mike Shanahan is an excellent offensive coach who ruined his tenure in Denver with poor GMing. This pick mirrors that. The Sooners now have 3 of the top 4 picks. I know they had horrendous injuries last year, but what a fucking disgrace.
5. Kansas City Chiefs - Eric Berry.
Generally, I would mock a safety taken this high, but it's Eric Berry.
6. Seattle Seahawks - Russell Okung.
The Seahawks get the best OL in the draft at #6. Pete Carroll also pleased to operate in an environment in which signing bonuses are a matter of public record.
7. Cleveland Browns - Joe Haden.
A good cornerback. I trade down, still get my cornerback, and some picks to boot.
8. Oakland Raiders - Rolando McClain.
No one expected that. But it's the Raiders.
9. Buffalo Bills - CJ Spiller.
What player is better suited to frosty Buffalo than an undersized scatback who played all of his games in temperate swamps? Now they have three elite kick returners!
10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Tyson Alualu.
He's a good run stopper, a solid pass rusher, and thus an obvious choice as the tenth best player in the draft. Nicely played, Jags!
11. (trade) San Francisco - Anthony Davis.
Super-talented, but questionable commitment. I'm ambivalent. Not sure why you throw away your 4th rounder to grab him when he and Bulaga are still on the board.
12. (trade) San Diego - Ryan Matthews.
He's a good back with home run potential. Again, I'm not sure why you make a big move here to get him. He would have been around in the 20s. They gave away the whole draft.
13. (trade) Philadelphia - Brandon Graham.
He's a fantastic pass rusher, and the only bright spot on a horrendous Wolverine defense, but this is a reach. Teams are pissing away their 2nd and 3rd round picks as if they're valueless. A big mistake in a draft full of depth.
14. Seattle Seahawks - Earl Thomas.
The Seahawks just got a lot better. He's the best pure cover DB in the draft and has the instincts to punish a dumb throw. Congrats Earl. An All-Time Longhorn great.
15. New York Giants - Jason Pierre Paul.
He played in six college games. I guess you're welcome to project whatever you like on this blank canvas.
16. Tennessee Titans - Derrick Morgan.
Easy move for Tennessee. They need a DE and he's the best available.
17. San Francisco 49ers - Mike Iupati.
Well, Frank Gore is happy. He's a good player and a fine run blocker, but do you really want to take an interior OL here when you need a QB? A pass rusher?
18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey.
Never has the QB-Center exchange been more sexually charged. Does Maurkice consent to Ben going under center?
19. Atlanta Falcons - Sean Weatherspoon.
He was a great player for Mizzou, but his senior year disappointed as he put on weight and lost his DL.
20. Houston Texans - Kareem Jackson.
Really? Is Charlie Casserly back?
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Jermaine Gresham
Good pick. He's a mutant. Sooners now have four first rounders. Wow. And I mean that on all possible levels of astonishment, being actually impressed, and sarcastic irony.
22. (trade) Denver - Demaryius Thomas.
Big guy, deep theat, fast, not very polished. Imagine if the light came on for Malcolm Williams.
23. Green Bay Packers - Bryan Bulaga.
Solid move and an obvious move. Is he a Right Tackle or Left Tackle? Put him against Jared Allen and find out.
24. Dallas - Dez Bryant.
A great pick if they can keep Dez away from people like Deion Sanders, who lives in....oh. Well. Is Roy Williams still the #1 WR!?!?!?!
25. Denver Broncos - Tim Tebow.
That's a fucking idiotic pick. The notion of Tim Tebow and Brady Quinn sharing mirror space amuses me.
26. Arizona Cardinals - Dan Williams.
Good stuff. The Cardinals just won their division if Leinart will play at a C+ level.
27. NE Patriots - Devin McCourty.
Rutgers had more first rounders than Texas? I know nothing of him and won't pretend that I do. Ran a 4.38 at the combine.
28. Miami Dolphins - Jared Odrick.
Solid pick. Parcells likes the big boys. Very deep interior DL draft.
29. NY Jets - Kyle Wilson.
Great pairing with Revis. They'll start him in the nickel and progress him over time. The Jets are loaded, and easily the most interesting team in the NFL.
30. Detroit - Jahvid Best.
A concussion prone scatback on turf. Should go well.
31. Indianapolis Colts - Jerry Hughes.
He fits the mold of what the Colts want on the edge. Solid pick.
32. New Orleans Saints - Patrick Robinson.
Who dat? No, seriously. I mean, who is he? I stopped watching Florida State in 2003.
And first round is over. A puzzling draft, all told.
Fantastic talent left in Rounds 2-3.