The Barking Carnival Complaint Box

As part of his zealous campaign for continued excellence, Sailor Ripley recently installed a comments and complaints box in the Barking Carnival headquarters.

The task of reviewing the comments was given to me, but I thought our readers might enjoy some insight into the day-to-day working conditions at your favorite sports (?) blog. Enjoy.

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Why is there no hazelnut coffee in the break room? We have regular coffee, decaf, French roast, Colombian, and some silly shit called "Mudslide." But there's no fucking hazelnut??? What the Hell is wrong with you dimwitted sloths? Mudslide??? Fucking MUDSLIDE??? Christ on a crutch! I can't work under these deplorable conditions. I DEMAND hazelnut coffee, by tomorrow at the latest. You have been warned.

~ closetojumping

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This comment box is the nurturing pouch of the cuddly Australian marsupial that is the Barking Carnival office.

~ Scipio Tex

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Need help. Stop.
Royal Siam hotel. Stop.
Room 316, in bathtub. Stop.
Bitch took my kidney. Full Stop.

~ HenryJames

***

Where is the hazelnut coffee, assholes? My earlier comment card could not have been clearer on this point. I WANT FUCKING HAZELNUT COFFEE! Do not toy with me. You have one more day. If there is no hazelnut coffee in the breakroom by 14:00 tomorrow, I will set off a hellstorm of doom that even God himself will not be able to stop.

~ closetojumping

***

That Sailor Ripley is one hell of a dashing chap. I just wanted him to know that.

~ Sailor Ripley

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Can you guys at least pretend to care about basketball?

~ Trips Right

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I just wanted to tell anyone who will listen: Greg Davis sucks! And I have the grotesquely massaged statistics to prove it. Did I mention that I went to Harvard?

~ BrickHorn

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Is it too much to ask for some quilted 3-ply toilet paper and a decent selection of high-end colognes in the gentlemen's lavatory?

~ Vasherized

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My patience is coming to an end. This is your FINAL WARNING. Provide hazelnut coffee, or suffer my wrath.

~ closetojumping

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100010111101000010010111100000101101101. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! End communication.

~ Huckleberry

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Vasherized recently submitted an interesting comment about the disrepair of the BarkingCarnival men's room. In other news, I overheard ScipioTex and Doperbo debating the relative merits of Cossack ambush-and-run strategies versus the overwhelming force of Napoleonic tactics in the break room today. Chalk me down as a fan of the Cossacks. I like their hats. Finally, closetojumping spent the aftenoon pacing the floor of his office while muttering an hysterical, rambling monologue on hazelnut coffee. You have to admire that man's enthusiasm.

~ Nickle Rover

***

Southern Pecan? SOUTHERN FUCKING PECAN???? I politely request hazelnut, and you malicious bastards stock up on SOUTHERN PECAN? This is an outrage! It is a personal insult perpetrated by the enemies of good taste. I keep a list of those who have wronged me. Do not delude yourselves in the vain hope that your names are not included on my list. They are. They MOST CERTAINLY are. This outrage was the FINAL STRAW. Southern pecan. Southern. Fucking. Pecan. AAARGGGHHH!!

~ closetojumping

***

Two thumbs up to whoever recently stocked the kitchen with southern pecan coffee. Southern pecan has more nutty flavor than an elephantitic Ugandan wearing a peanut-butter-flavored edible jockstrap.

~ Scipio Tex

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