Kate Gosselin Evaluates The Rookie QB Class

I look to Dallas for a half dozen things: big city attitude paired with small town ignorance, Clipper Cooper Junior League raffle escapades, leading innnovations in vagina tightening laser surgery and anal bleaching, hot girls with psychiatric disorders, a thriving telecom industry, and NFL QB evaluations from the Dallas Morning News.

Rick Gosselin weighs in with his NFL rookie QB analysis.

The 2010 NFL draft was a tale of four quarterbacks: Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Jimmy Clausen and Colt McCoy.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the draft of wisdom, it was the draft of foolishness...

As Tim Tebow awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in the minds of the Broncos into an actual NFL quarterback.

Four quarterbacks, each alike in dignity, in fair Plano where we lay our scene.

Call me Tebow.

There wasn't much drama in the selection of Bradford by the St. Louis Rams with the first pick. But the drama built on the opening night with the rise of Tim Tebow, who became a surprise first-rounder...

The Rise of Tebow happened on Day One. The Rise of Jesus? Day Three. Late rounder. Good value pick. The Tom Brady of messiahs, IMHO. Talent maximizer, good program kid, has questioned the head coach under extreme pressure.

Quarterbacks are the face of the NFL – and those four quarterbacks were the face of this draft. Can they now be the faces of their new franchises?

Quarterbacks are the face of the NFL, wide recievers are the legs, running backs are the arms and buttocks, the offensive line is the torso and thorax, tight ends are the scapula, kickers are the genitals. Pass rushers are like acne and defensive backs who jump routes are rosacea.

I've heard raves about what a great fit Cleveland is for him. As far as the depth chart goes, it is.

A tremendous cultural fit as well. Colt has watched Crumb American Splendor nine times and loves Paul Giamatti's ironic depiction of working class Midwestern angst.

Cleveland starter Jake Delhomme is 35 years old, and the Browns say they have no intention of playing McCoy in 2010.

We have no intention of playing the guy behind a starting QB that's 35 years old, is considered washed-up, immobile, threw passes as effectively as a sweaty pimp in a Ritz Carlton lounge last year in Carolina, and is playing behind a weak OL with poor wide receivers.

So he can spend his rookie season watching how a savvy, Super Bowl-veteran quarterback approaches practice and games. It's not a projection to pencil in McCoy as the starter in 2011.

Observe, Colt. See how Jake Delhomme approaches practices? Apologetically. For the five interceptions he threw last Sunday.

I love the Super Bowl QB false credential. You know who else was a Super Bowl QB? Mark Rypien. You know who else? David Woodley. And Trent Dilfer. This is a club as exclusive as Costco.

The sticky part is that Cleveland isn't the best place for a quarterback with McCoy's makeup to be playing his football. In addition to his lack of size (6-1, 216), McCoy was dinged by NFL talent evaluators during the draft process for his arm strength.

The following three passers have started the most games as a Cleveland quarterback: Bernie Kosar, Brian Sipe, Frank Ryan.

Kosar had the approximate arm strength of a 11 year old Palestinian; Sipe was 6-0, 190 pounds and a proto-Jeff Garcia; Frank Ryan had a PhD from Rice and the arm that this suggests. I can't adequately measure Otto Graham's arm strength because he was throwing a ball that looked like a leather shotput.

In Cleveland, McCoy's arm will have to fight some nasty weather conditions – cold, wind, snow and the heavy air that comes as fall turns into winter along Lake Erie.

I see no plausible scenario in which Colt's arm could reverse weather patterns. So I think Cleveland may just rely on short throws on the move, which should be hard to find in a West Coast Offense.

The natural comparison for McCoy is Austin's Drew Brees, who had similar size and arm concerns coming out of college. But he achieved his status among the game's great quarterbacks by playing in San Diego and indoors (New Orleans), where his arm wasn't battling any weather conditions.

True. Brees is unproven as a bad weather QB. Three years as a starter in the Big 10 proves nothing.

There also were concerns with the arm strength of Kurt Warner.

Other than the fact that Kurt Warner's arm strength has never been a concern for anyone, good point.

He shined when he played indoors at St. Louis and Arizona. But he flopped in New York, where the winds and that heavy fall and winter air challenged his arm.

I remember Kurt's time in New York and a lack of OL play, poor options at wide receiver, constant injury, his penchant for holding on to the ball too long, and an offense completely unsuited to his total immobility. However, I blame his arm for not hitting more deep posts against 35 mph winds.

When Clausen does hit the field, he will find himself operating a play-action offense that feeds off a power running game.

Agreed. And if the Carolina O can feed off of hair gel, they're going 13-3.

Tebow goes to Denver with a rocket arm and a penchant for running.

An unmanned rocket, careening wildly.

What do you mean...Flash Gordon approaching?

So did John Elway.

Oh, no. Please don't do this.

But Elway was the consensus first pick of his draft. Most NFL teams graded Tebow as a third-rounder. The Broncos reached for him in the first and overpaid in the process, sending the Baltimore Ravens a second-, a third- and a fourth-round pick to move up into the first for Tebow.

OK. Thanks. However, why bring up Elway at all? Elway played in a pro offense in high school and at Stanford, he's one of the best three quarterbacks who ever lived, he ran to buy time, and they don't resemble each other in any meaningful way other than "strong" and "6-3" which describes 50% of the NFL QBs who ever lived. Damn you, media, for your glib comparisons!

There will be public pressure to put Tebow on the field right away because first-round draft picks are perceived as saviors. But Tebow is not ready to save anything yet.

Perhaps you should consult with the formerly Catholic-animist peoples of the Philippines now lacking foreskins and worshipping a harsh Pentecostal God before opining so blithely, Gosselin!

Tebow has incumbent Kyle Orton and former first-round pick Brady Quinn on the depth chart ahead of him.

I would give any amount of money to see Tebow and Quinn giving each other bro hugs in the weight room and then fighting over mirror space in the shower room. Kyle Orton, Midwestern slob, will look on with disdain, a double decker manwich clutched in his paws like Winnie the Pooh.

Bradford is the one quarterback in this draft class certain to learn the game on the fly. The Rams need him to play right away, and he will. But he also has the best physical tools of these four quarterbacks to survive in 2010. That's why Bradford was the first pick of this draft.

You see Bradford is the best quarterback. Thus, picked first!

That's how you deliver a column coup de grace: with tautology.

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