Baylor Courts Pac 10 - Ignoring Court Order
by Scipio Tex on Jun 8, 2010 7:07 PM CDT
in Texas Longhorns and Other Football
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Through the Freedom of Information Act, Barking Carnival has acquired some damning cell phone transcripts from a protective legal action filed against Baylor from the Pac 10 Conference. The contents are worrying.
***
7:57pm PST, Saturday, June 5, 2010
Hi, Pac 10? This is Baylor! Remember me? Voted Good Housekeeping's 2nd Most Judgemental American University.
So, I met you briefly at Todd's party. I was wearing a sweater vest and chinos. Remember, we talked about Baylor's exchange program with Pakistani madrasas? Anywhooooo...scored tickets to an Amy Grant concert - want to come with? I'm at 254-555-5555. Call me back!
9:13pm PST, Saturday, June 5, 2010
Pac 10! Baylor here. How are you? Just had an awesome dinner at Cheese Fac - that's what I call Cheesecake Factory. Yes, we have one.
I didn't hear back yet.
But I know Saturdays are busy, busy, busy. I left my number, but I realized you may prefer e-mail. West Coast. Internet! Silicon Valley. Edgy! Ha ha! Oh my goodness. So, I'm at bears4ever@aol.com. Or just call me at 254-555-5555. Whatever you like! Blessings!
7:51 am PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Oh hey, it's me! My phone rang. Thought it might be you. You showed up on my caller ID as a telemarketer. Is that you? Ha ha. Oh my gosh, you make me laugh. We have so much fun, the two of us! Just laughing and laughing and laughing. Being together forever! Happy Sunday!
1:27 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Pac 10, it's Baylor. Listen, my phone is CRAZY unreliable. Goshdarn, Cricket wireless. So if you're calling and it's not working, just text me. Please text me. I stay up late! YOU WILL NOT WAKE ME! Goodness, was I shouting there? Ha ha. I think it's the volume control on my phone.
1:40 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Hey! Just a quick note: a common mistake when trying to e-mail is that people can transpose numbers or letters, or add in an extra w to the www. Are you doing this? You'd better check! OK, bye! But seriously, check...Bless you!
1:41 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
TXT MSG: r u there? it's baylor! i am just texting u in case u are shy to call
1:43 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
TXT MSG: it is ok if you are shy, i am very patient, like a hunter
2:24 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
TXT MSG: some think Man is the most dangerous game of all ha ha crazy talk
2:26 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Hello? Hello! (inaudible) Oh, dadgummit! I accidentally dialed you. Oh my goodness. How are things? Hello? Hello? I thought you just picked up. If you did pick up, just say hi. Hello! Helllloooooo! Hellllloooooo! Or make a sound. No? No. OK, you didn't pick up. That was my car radio. Bye.
3:18 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Soooooo....(long pause) it's Baylor. hi. (long pause) I just feel like we need to talk. Golly, I hope everything is OK. Is your family good? Can't wait to meet them! Au revoir!
4:41 pm PST, Sunday, June 6th, 2010
Hi, it's Baylor. (icily) I was talking to Todd and he thinks you may have gone home with Texas after that party. That's interesting information. I don't believe it. Or should I? Sinners go to Hell. And are sodomized by demons. For eternity. Bye.
12:18 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
Pac Ten, it's me! Happy Monday! Is it Monday or is it Wednesday that's hump day? For you, it seems like it's every day, given the information Todd gave me. Ha ha. Oh my gosh, I'm so kidding you. I just happened to be on the West Coast and I saw your car at the gym (I got your gym from your Facebook profile) and I decided to watch it for a few hours.
I saw you give Colorado a ride to a legalized marijuana dispensary. How do you know CU? Weird. Was that you? Your hair looked different? I just want to hold you in my arms and squeeze you. Until you do exactly as I say. Goodbye!
12:58 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
Hey, it's Baylor. I read a study that said that conferences that go around with lots of big teams willy-nilly are at a much higher risk of STD than ones who commit to just one small faithful and loyal partner. Anyway. That has nothing to do with you. Or does it, fornicating whore?
1:14 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
It's me. Kidding on the fornicating whore thing. I hate when we fight. Hey, I lost you driving in traffic yesterday. Where do you live? Thought I'd drop by and say hello.
3:19 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
TXT MSG: this whole thing is so us, we will laugh about this with our grandkids
7:14 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
So I went by your work! Your security guard is a wet blanket. I sort of jumped the security gate and he tackled me and took away my taser and duct tape. How are you? I wish I could smell your hair.
8:19 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
Hey, cutie! It's Baylor. Listen: has anyone in your family ever had an allergic reaction to chloroform? And do you ever park in Lot 3, near the culvert? Quiet over there.
9:28 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
Well, helllloooo! It's #107 in football, but #1 in your heart. Did you know that you can learn a lot about someone by going through their trash? Like, you love to eat organic hummus, you drink too much red wine - which tells me that there's a hole in your life you're trying to fill - and you recycle. I also found a condom. Whose is it? I'd love to shake that answer out of you.
10:48 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
It's B. Just thinking about you. I made us a picnic lunch. Cod is perishable, so you'd better get back to me soon.
12:49 PST TXT MSG: RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS
12:50 PST TXT MSG RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS
12:51 PST TXT MSG RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS
12:51 pm PST, Tuesday June 8th, 2010
Hi, guess your phone is blocked. Which explains why you're not getting back to me! So I'm calling your folks' answering machine. Hello, future parents-in-law! My, my, my. (chuckles) Well, now you've gone and done it. A restraining order. This is silly. Bye.
12:57 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
IT'S ME! HELLO! It was very embarrassing to be served at my work. What does it mean that I can't be within 90 feet of you? Future Mom and Dad - I love calling you that - please pass this on. And sidenote: maybe you should try to raise a more polite child, One that returns phone calls. And doesn't do everything through lawyers.
1:09 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
It's me. On the 90 feet thing. Is that an average? Like I spend several hours two hundred feet from you, watching you, and then a few hours six inches away. That averages out to 90 feet away from you. OH MY GOSH YOU PLAY SO HARD TO GET AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:49 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
It's B. Hey, I think you may have some of my mail, accidentally. The postal service confuses Waco and Santa Monica. Just shoot me your alarm code real quick, OK?
2:11 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
Hi, there. Are your parents even passing on these messages to you? I feel as if they're not! Also, for a boy, I love the name Tristan. For a girl, Kaitlin. Toodle--ooo!
2:45 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
It's Bay-Dawg. Did you know I own a police scanner? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Can we just meet? Talk? Like a romantic remote wooded area. Shall we say midnight, tonight? I will wear gloves because of my eczema. Just step out at the road flares I set up and walk into the woods. Don't tell any of your snooping friends!
I'll find you.
***
I guess I'm thinking the same thing all of you are: can anyone here explain why the Pac 10 would lead Baylor on this way?
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Awesomeness. I had that swingers scene in mind from the opening. I love the restraining order line.
by Kevin Berger on Jun 8, 2010 8:00 PM CDT reply actions
Pffftttttt, Pac-10 sounds like a bitch. KU never even wanted to go out with her anyway.
by Triston27 on Jun 8, 2010 8:01 PM CDT reply actions
I had that swingers scene in mind from the opening.
Scene from The Cable Guy was going through my mine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGq5aCVdEI4
“Ohhhhh shit”
by Triston27 on Jun 8, 2010 8:09 PM CDT reply actions
Imagine a school monitoring the church attendance of its faculty members, the more experienced of whom suss out the oversight schedule from their friends in the administration and attend basically twice a year to cover themselves.
Hard to see how this culture of intellectual inquiry wouldn’t get the Pac-10’s juices going.
Berkeley would feel a kinship of sorts.
by parlin on Jun 8, 2010 8:21 PM CDT reply actions
Cod is perishable. Oh sweet Jeebus.
Not for nothing Kurlansky’s Cod is a cool book.
Back to humor.
by Drew Dunlevie on Jun 8, 2010 8:25 PM CDT reply actions
Entertaining post, ST. The Cheesecake Factory line was classic.
You needed more witchy, anti-UT swipes, though. Hopefully, UT will be able to leave these losers behind.
by Joetx on Jun 8, 2010 8:53 PM CDT reply actions
Scipio must’ve lost his only girlfriend to a Baylor guy. His little pink hardon toward Baylor is almost kind of embarrassing. Poor kid.
by Holden Steele on Jun 8, 2010 9:04 PM CDT reply actions
‘Embarrassing’ and ’ Baylor’ are two words actually found quite frequently in the same sentence.
by blackscholes on Jun 8, 2010 9:19 PM CDT reply actions
This Baylor news is the best thing that could have ever happened for Texas Tech. Everyone is so worried about ditching fat ugly baylor that they forgot Tech is still sitting in the back of the car when you pull up to the party.
by Nero on Jun 8, 2010 9:23 PM CDT reply actions
Great stuff. And damn you for posting the Swingers scene. It makes me cringe every single time.
by AugieBall on Jun 8, 2010 9:27 PM CDT reply actions
“Scipio must’ve lost his only girlfriend to a Baylor guy.”
I wonder if that’s ever, ever, ever happened. In history.
by Woody Bombay on Jun 8, 2010 10:26 PM CDT reply actions
The. Best. Ever. Post. I thought your preseason stuff was good, but this? This is awesome!!!! Go Buffs!!
by Love You on Jun 8, 2010 10:55 PM CDT reply actions
It takes rare ability to turn a subject as unsettling as sexual stalking into a hilarious spoof. I’m not sure who deserves more credit, you or Baylor.
by triplehorn on Jun 9, 2010 12:17 AM CDT reply actions
Just when I think I’m saturated on realignment stuff, Scipio ftw. Well done, I’m surprised you managed to keep the humor going as long as you did, I was sure you were about to hit a wall 1/3 of the way down the article. It was like a classic Will Ferrel sketch from the 90’s where he find the limit of a joke and then presses on until it’s hilarious again.
Truly no one channels douchebaggery and loserdom like Scipio Tex.
by Nickel Rover on Jun 9, 2010 2:02 AM CDT reply actions
“It’s #107 in football, but #1 in your heart.”
Seriously, how do you come up with lines like this? I read this right after reading Richard Justice’s column this morning arguing why Texas needs to insist on taking Baylor along, basically arguing that otherwise Baylor will disappear from the face of the earth (Baylor had a $155.6 million impact on the greater Waco economy during the 2008 calendar year!). Thank god for the internet…
by Tristan and Kaitlin on Jun 9, 2010 8:07 AM CDT reply actions
That is Greatness…Restraining order? 500 yards is NOTHING with decent optics….
by austindave on Jun 9, 2010 9:15 AM CDT reply actions
Scipio – your best work yet.
“Sinners go to Hell. And are sodomized by demons. For eternity. Bye. "
Dear God – where does this stuff come from? You sir, have a twisted mind – and I like that about you.
by Ag_in_TX on Jun 9, 2010 9:28 AM CDT reply actions
Baylor lies…. there is no Cheesecake Factory in Waco:
http://cheesecakefactory.net/frames.asp?fm=locations&pg=http://cheesecakefactory.net/locations_state.asp?st=TX
by Le Coq Sportif on Jun 9, 2010 9:34 AM CDT reply actions
Colorado has always been my favorite. Baylor just can’t compete.
Cordially,
Rick Barnes
by Baylor Prick on Jun 9, 2010 9:47 AM CDT reply actions
Baylor to Conference USA would get them to bowl games and salvage their dignity. If I’m one of the few hundred Baylor fans still out there, I root for the sweet, sweet death of the Big-12 that has seen 14 consecutive losing seasons. Really, wouldn’t you rather be TCU or Houston than Baylor? Heck, Rice dwarfs Baylor’s accomplishments in the past decade.
Then again, would the Mountain West or Conference USA even consider Baylor? That’s how low they’ve sunk – Sun Belt.
by Eskimohorn on Jun 9, 2010 9:50 AM CDT reply actions
The woman in the next office over just asked what why I was laughing so hard.
by bateshorn on Jun 9, 2010 10:11 AM CDT reply actions
“Colorado has always been my favorite. Baylor just can’t compete.
Cordially,
Rick Barnes"
He’s like 35-4 against Baylor.
Does Colorado have a baseball team? Would they get one?
by dick on Jun 9, 2010 11:37 AM CDT reply actions
I am constantly amused by the perpetual crowdedness of Waco’s Hooters. That place is always bumpin, too bad all of ye who have darkened that door will assuredly BURN!
by Jigglebilly on Jun 9, 2010 12:47 PM CDT reply actions
You had me at bears4ever@aol.com.
Side note – does anyone under 70 still use AOL?
About 50% of my friends that went to Baylor are divorced, and one divorced a “good Baptist girl” for a stripper.
by Art Vandelay on Jun 9, 2010 2:14 PM CDT reply actions
Hey Dick.. Baylor has beat UT basketball the last 5 times they have played them…. They also made it to the Elite 8 this year while teams like Kentucky sat at home. You don’t even know your sports so don’t comment. And CU doesn’t have a baseball or softball team…. They also do not have a new $35 million sports facility on campus like Baylor.
And Art- I am sure your friends like the fact you laugh about their divorces. Wish I could have a friend like you through those tough times.
People like you both hate Baylor because of the principles and values it was founded on. Christians are such mean people who are out to harm everyone…lol. Christians are the people who are still trying to do good in this world.
by LauraF on Jun 9, 2010 3:22 PM CDT reply actions
Is there a UT student or Austin resident who hasn’t thoroughly defiled a Baylor student while they were down partying on 6th Street for a weekend? I think that shit comes in the orientation packet.
by BatesHorn on Jun 9, 2010 3:43 PM CDT reply actions
LauraF -
I’m going to try to reply before the UT fans get to you. Just laugh about it. Scip is hilarious. Sometimes he mocks TTU, but you have to take the good with the bad. I don’t visit this site because I like Texas; I go to this site because the writers are my style of humor and talk about sports. Admittedly, it’s not for everyone. Honestly, if they would probably rip on Baylor a lot more if they were ever good at anything. And no, I don’t mean accidentally making it to the Elite 8 this year.
To you Barkers-
This is the last nice thing I will say about you. Ever. Probably.
by mikecrabtree on Jun 9, 2010 3:51 PM CDT reply actions
Mike- Thanks but it is hard for anyone to even understand the frustration of being a Bears fan. I like Texas too.. I even went to the National Championship game this year and rooted for them! I am a native Texan and respect the Big 12 band hope what is meant to be will come out of all this.
I dont think it was an accident making it to the Elite 8 though :) Tweety lead the Big 12 in APG, 4th in the country: Udoh lead the Big 12 in BPG, 3rd in the country and had better stats than Aldrich, but didnt get defensive player of the year?? LaceD was 2nd leading scorer in Big12 and lead with 3 pointers and Acy lead the nation in FG%.
Thanks again for reaching out
by LauraF on Jun 9, 2010 4:03 PM CDT reply actions
“People like you both hate Baylor because of the principles and values it was founded on. "
The ghost of Patrick Dennehy takes exception.
by Thebeeve on Jun 9, 2010 4:28 PM CDT reply actions
""People like you both hate Baylor because of the principles and values it was founded on."
The ghost of Patrick Dennehy takes exception."
In her defense, she did specify that Baylor was only founded on those principles and values. Not that they practice them NOW. Only that they were founded on them. 165 years ago.
Things change, you know?
by Azhchay on Jun 9, 2010 4:44 PM CDT reply actions
“it is hard for anyone to even understand the frustration of being a Bears fan. I like Texas too”
I think every Baylor frat boy lives by this credo.
“I dont think it was an accident making it to the Elite 8 though”
Baylor didn’t beat one single digit seed.
by ColoradoAg on Jun 9, 2010 4:55 PM CDT reply actions
“Hey Dick.. Baylor has beat UT basketball the last 5 times they have played them…. They also made it to the Elite 8 this year while teams like Kentucky sat at home. You don’t even know your sports so don’t comment”
to whoever actually wrote that, you win. you effing win.
by dick on Jun 9, 2010 5:08 PM CDT reply actions
"it is hard for anyone to even understand the frustration of being a Bears fan."
- this is why I dont understand why the Bears want to go to the Pac 16. If they have been unsuccessful in the Big 12, what makes you think that you wouldn’t be at the bottom of a larger conference? Go to the Mountain West and compete! That’s not a slam, that is serious. The more wins you get, the better the chance you’ll go to a bowl game.
by mikecrabtree on Jun 9, 2010 5:39 PM CDT reply actions
I dont care about the Pac 10- I wanted the Big 12 to stay together but obviously that is not happening. I hate Pac 10 schools like USC but wish everyone the best. I hope we do compete again in football one day- I am keeping faith in it and continuing to root for my school regardless of what anyone says.
by LauraF on Jun 9, 2010 5:50 PM CDT reply actions
“I hate Pac 10 schools like USC”
LauraF,
Good Christians don’t hate. Have a blessed day!!
by Glass Houses on Jun 9, 2010 6:29 PM CDT reply actions
“Good Christians don’t hate. Have a blessed day!!”
HAHAHA oh wow.
by mikecrabtree on Jun 9, 2010 6:37 PM CDT reply actions
Paul,
I really enjoy articles you write when you don’t take your medicine.
by jeff on Jun 9, 2010 9:33 PM CDT reply actions
mikecrabtree said:
June 9th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
“Honestly, if they would probably rip on Baylor a lot more if they were ever good at anything. And no, I don’t mean accidentally making it to the Elite 8 this year.”
Crabtree,
Please tell me how many Big 12 titles TT has won in the history of the Big 12? I can only think of 0-1. Baylor has won the 3rd most Big 12 titles over the past 7 yrs (behind UT & a&m) and is in the top 5-6 of the Big 12 in the entire history of the Big 12 in conference titles (I know, “football is the only sport that matters”……Why waste time and $$ playing any other sport then?). What does TTU have to offer other than being a state school in Texas? Academics? Ha! (you allow 0.0 GPA’s to play ball; 0.0 at Tech has to be pretty hard to do). TV market? NO (Lubbock has 250K audience?) Football is the only sport going for you; but, you just lost your winning Pirate. Be happy you are a state school and still attached to the UT teet, like OSU to the OU teet.
What does Colorado offer other than a Denver tv market? A broke athletic dept. that couldn’t afford to fire their football coach this year. They have 5 men’s sports that match Pac 10 sports and 2 are about to be on probation. Skiing will probably be huge in the Pac 10. Baseball/Softball anyone?
Study up some more there, “Michael Trabtree” (Deion Sanders)
by JMAN on Jun 9, 2010 11:59 PM CDT reply actions
Scipio you captured something there.
Aparently it was LauraF, thanks for the laughs you two
by ChemEinCO on Jun 10, 2010 1:21 AM CDT reply actions
LauraF, you said that teams like Kentucky sat out of the Elite 8… Kentucky made the Elite 8
by KeenanW on Jun 10, 2010 2:06 AM CDT reply actions
ya, your men’s and women’s Tennis teams have really cleaned up. The Pac 10 would be lucky to have you!
Honestly, the only thing Tech has done in the past couple of years is be competitive at football and share the B12S title in 2008.
from wikipedia:
“In July 2007, ESPN ranked all 119 FBS (formerly 1-A) football programs on performance from 1997 to 2006 and placed Texas Tech at number 32.16 Also, with 13, the Red Raiders rank fourth nationally in consecutive winning seasons, trailing only Florida State (30), Florida (19), and Virginia Tech (14).”
also
“you allow 0.0 GPA’s to play ball”
I’m pretty sure Mike Leach came under fire for making football players w/o good grades study outside in the cold. why would he do that if he was gonna let them play with a 0.0?
btw:
“Each year since 2001, the American Football Coaches Association has recognized Texas Tech for having a team graduation rate of at least 70 percent.” (it was 79%, higher than Baylor’s)
AND, the 2008 game were we beat Texas (sorry guys) “was the fifth-most viewed telecast of any regular-season game in ABC history, drawing a 7.5 rating, meaning an average of 8,590,000 households tuned in to the contest during each measurable segment.”
And yes, I love the UT teet because it tastes so good! I say that in the creepiest way possible
by mikecrabtree on Jun 10, 2010 9:55 AM CDT reply actions
Wow. We are actually arguing with Baylor fans about sports. The terrorist have won.
by BatesHorn on Jun 10, 2010 11:30 AM CDT reply actions
HAHAHAHA. I just came across this the morning after Baylor beat UT in Austin. To the guy who said: “Hopefully, UT will be able to leave these losers behind.” — I know exactly how you feel…you guys can’t even when at home then the refs are pulling for you (read the comment section on this blog of the 2010 UT/BU game for UT at 4:58 PM fans also thinking the fix was in for UT). Clearly, UT has fallen and isn’t up to the caliber of Baylor anymore…maybe we’ll be able to leave UT behind. Oh, and how did last year’s basketball season work out for you? Man oh man, I bet the Pac 10 is counting its lucky stars UT decided to stay in the Big 12.. Oh, and Pac 10, thanks for taking lowly Colorado off our hands…they were really dragging the Big 12 down!
by Bwahaha...UT SUX on Oct 31, 2010 2:49 PM CDT reply actions
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by article spin on Sep 4, 2011 11:37 PM CDT reply actions
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