Through the Freedom of Information Act, Barking Carnival has acquired some damning cell phone transcripts from a protective legal action filed against Baylor from the Pac 10 Conference. The contents are worrying.
7:57pm PST, Saturday, June 5, 2010
Hi, Pac 10? This is Baylor! Remember me? Voted Good Housekeeping's 2nd Most Judgemental American University.
So, I met you briefly at Todd's party. I was wearing a sweater vest and chinos. Remember, we talked about Baylor's exchange program with Pakistani madrasas? Anywhooooo...scored tickets to an Amy Grant concert - want to come with? I'm at 254-555-5555. Call me back!
9:13pm PST, Saturday, June 5, 2010
Pac 10! Baylor here. How are you? Just had an awesome dinner at Cheese Fac - that's what I call Cheesecake Factory. Yes, we have one.
I didn't hear back yet.
But I know Saturdays are busy, busy, busy. I left my number, but I realized you may prefer e-mail. West Coast. Internet! Silicon Valley. Edgy! Ha ha! Oh my goodness. So, I'm at email@example.com. Or just call me at 254-555-5555. Whatever you like! Blessings!
7:51 am PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Oh hey, it's me! My phone rang. Thought it might be you. You showed up on my caller ID as a telemarketer. Is that you? Ha ha. Oh my gosh, you make me laugh. We have so much fun, the two of us! Just laughing and laughing and laughing. Being together forever! Happy Sunday!
1:27 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Pac 10, it's Baylor. Listen, my phone is CRAZY unreliable. Goshdarn, Cricket wireless. So if you're calling and it's not working, just text me. Please text me. I stay up late! YOU WILL NOT WAKE ME! Goodness, was I shouting there? Ha ha. I think it's the volume control on my phone.
1:40 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Hey! Just a quick note: a common mistake when trying to e-mail is that people can transpose numbers or letters, or add in an extra w to the www. Are you doing this? You'd better check! OK, bye! But seriously, check...Bless you!
1:41 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
TXT MSG: r u there? it's baylor! i am just texting u in case u are shy to call
1:43 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
TXT MSG: it is ok if you are shy, i am very patient, like a hunter
2:24 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
TXT MSG: some think Man is the most dangerous game of all ha ha crazy talk
2:26 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Hello? Hello! (inaudible) Oh, dadgummit! I accidentally dialed you. Oh my goodness. How are things? Hello? Hello? I thought you just picked up. If you did pick up, just say hi. Hello! Helllloooooo! Hellllloooooo! Or make a sound. No? No. OK, you didn't pick up. That was my car radio. Bye.
3:18 pm PST, Sunday, June 6, 2010
Soooooo....(long pause) it's Baylor. hi. (long pause) I just feel like we need to talk. Golly, I hope everything is OK. Is your family good? Can't wait to meet them! Au revoir!
4:41 pm PST, Sunday, June 6th, 2010
Hi, it's Baylor. (icily) I was talking to Todd and he thinks you may have gone home with Texas after that party. That's interesting information. I don't believe it. Or should I? Sinners go to Hell. And are sodomized by demons. For eternity. Bye.
12:18 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
Pac Ten, it's me! Happy Monday! Is it Monday or is it Wednesday that's hump day? For you, it seems like it's every day, given the information Todd gave me. Ha ha. Oh my gosh, I'm so kidding you. I just happened to be on the West Coast and I saw your car at the gym (I got your gym from your Facebook profile) and I decided to watch it for a few hours.
I saw you give Colorado a ride to a legalized marijuana dispensary. How do you know CU? Weird. Was that you? Your hair looked different? I just want to hold you in my arms and squeeze you. Until you do exactly as I say. Goodbye!
12:58 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
Hey, it's Baylor. I read a study that said that conferences that go around with lots of big teams willy-nilly are at a much higher risk of STD than ones who commit to just one small faithful and loyal partner. Anyway. That has nothing to do with you. Or does it, fornicating whore?
1:14 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
It's me. Kidding on the fornicating whore thing. I hate when we fight. Hey, I lost you driving in traffic yesterday. Where do you live? Thought I'd drop by and say hello.
3:19 am PST, Monday, June 7th, 2010
TXT MSG: this whole thing is so us, we will laugh about this with our grandkids
7:14 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
So I went by your work! Your security guard is a wet blanket. I sort of jumped the security gate and he tackled me and took away my taser and duct tape. How are you? I wish I could smell your hair.
8:19 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
Hey, cutie! It's Baylor. Listen: has anyone in your family ever had an allergic reaction to chloroform? And do you ever park in Lot 3, near the culvert? Quiet over there.
9:28 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
Well, helllloooo! It's #107 in football, but #1 in your heart. Did you know that you can learn a lot about someone by going through their trash? Like, you love to eat organic hummus, you drink too much red wine - which tells me that there's a hole in your life you're trying to fill - and you recycle. I also found a condom. Whose is it? I'd love to shake that answer out of you.
10:48 am PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
It's B. Just thinking about you. I made us a picnic lunch. Cod is perishable, so you'd better get back to me soon.
12:49 PST TXT MSG: RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS
12:50 PST TXT MSG RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS
12:51 PST TXT MSG RETURNED FROM BLOCKED ADDRESS
12:51 pm PST, Tuesday June 8th, 2010
Hi, guess your phone is blocked. Which explains why you're not getting back to me! So I'm calling your folks' answering machine. Hello, future parents-in-law! My, my, my. (chuckles) Well, now you've gone and done it. A restraining order. This is silly. Bye.
12:57 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
IT'S ME! HELLO! It was very embarrassing to be served at my work. What does it mean that I can't be within 90 feet of you? Future Mom and Dad - I love calling you that - please pass this on. And sidenote: maybe you should try to raise a more polite child, One that returns phone calls. And doesn't do everything through lawyers.
1:09 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
It's me. On the 90 feet thing. Is that an average? Like I spend several hours two hundred feet from you, watching you, and then a few hours six inches away. That averages out to 90 feet away from you. OH MY GOSH YOU PLAY SO HARD TO GET AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:49 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
It's B. Hey, I think you may have some of my mail, accidentally. The postal service confuses Waco and Santa Monica. Just shoot me your alarm code real quick, OK?
2:11 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
Hi, there. Are your parents even passing on these messages to you? I feel as if they're not! Also, for a boy, I love the name Tristan. For a girl, Kaitlin. Toodle--ooo!
2:45 pm PST, Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
It's Bay-Dawg. Did you know I own a police scanner? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. Can we just meet? Talk? Like a romantic remote wooded area. Shall we say midnight, tonight? I will wear gloves because of my eczema. Just step out at the road flares I set up and walk into the woods. Don't tell any of your snooping friends!
I'll find you.
I guess I'm thinking the same thing all of you are: can anyone here explain why the Pac 10 would lead Baylor on this way?