Bill Byrne: We've Never Been Licked!
by Scipio Tex on Jun 16, 2010 5:35 PM CDT
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Or licked others...
Howdy Ags! Howdy friends from the state capital!
Howdy!
I want to thank Barking Carnival for this forum to refute the outrageous allegations made against me by a fellow Aggie.
Namely, that I tongued DeLoss Dodds' anus. With or without jam or jelly. Or syrup. Or a gooseberry demi-glace. Or with peppermint Scope, so that he experiences a winterfresh tingling. Or any of the unguents Mickey Rourke smeared on Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks.
I am 65 years young and no one will talk to me like that.
Not even a proctologist who jars his own preserves.
I hate this Aggie - this Roger Rogge - more than crickets or bats.
It is a dark day when I must turn to a Trotskyite tu blog to clear the good Byrne name, but they've been kind enough to run my Weekly Wednesday newsletters and, not long ago, they were decent enough to provide a forum for Mike Sherman to refute attacks against his somnolent recruiting methods, to detail his rough and tumble Connecticut upbringing, and to affirm his ability to relate to the Negro athlete. Good Bull, Carnival.
Let me cut to the chase, without the requisite mouth-to-anus verbal foreplay: I have never eaten DeLoss Dodds' rosebud. His jacksy. His redeye. His bunghole. His chocolate starfish. Nor orally probed any portion of his gluteal cleft. Not once. Even after I've been in Madge's cooking sherry. Or even after I took those rohypnol at Lew Perkins' rave party.
Perky! What a character. Keeps a big cat ranch. Kills a tiger after every Missouri win. He's making a suit of tiger hide armor, like an Aztec warrior. Bathes in cat blood like Elizabeth Bathory. Anyway, Perkins exclaims," Billy, take this, it's the truth." I'm thinking it's MDMA in a Flintstones Complete. Nope. Roofy! Wake up in an Arbys' restroom covered in feces. Not human. Big cat. Liger! Belly-laugh. Because who gets shit on by a liger?
This guy!
Back to brass tacks. So what have I done with Dodds? Full disclosure. Cupped his balls. That's it. Just held them. They're large, smooth, and cool to the touch. Like an alabaster obsidian monolith. You just want to rub them against your cheek, like a labarador's silky ear. The man is hung like a Dominican pool boy. There's no way he ran hurdles in college. He'd knock down every one of them. The guy could use his balls to gauge Russian submarine depth. If Bevo ever went apeshit and charged the field, Dodds could bolo him with his nutsack. Atlas has one of Dodds' balls resting on his trapezius. Just really wonderful, vibrant, pleasant balls.
It wasn't gay. It's about saying, I am so not gay that I am comfortable doing this. Like watching The Bachelor or voting for Dennis Kucinich. Now, was Dodds uncomfortable? Hell yes. But I told him I needed this and he assented. And that's how the Big 12-2 was preserved. The only salad getting tossed was Caesar at lunch and there weren't any croutons lodged in poop chutes.
Now, Joe Castiglione is a different story. Sooners! Oh, boy! With your Latins, it's not gay if you're the one giving. Capisce? Castiglione is a power top. He'll collar Gerald Myers at a Big 12 meeting in the hallway wearing a minotaur mask and scream:
"ANUSTOYGERALDSLUT, I AM MAGOG SWITZER, COME FORTH TO RED RAID YOUR PERINEUM! YOUR ANUS IS CATNIP TO MAGOG! DRAIN MAGOG, O' FLOWER-SPHINCTER. MAGOG OFFERS EXPANSION OF THE LEAGUE'S ELEVENTH MEMBER."
And Gerald will run around making a fuss. We just roll our eyes. Castiglione is just a real flirt.
Sooner AD Joe Castiglione
Dirty Sanchez. Felching. Gaspers. Hot plates. Do people really do this? I don't believe it. Now, I do like Ambush Paddington. A lot. Let's do it to Baylor.
Look, the power bottom line is this:
During my time at A&M, I have worked tirelessly to place our programs in archery and equestrian at the very top while maintaining a healthy balance sheet, as determined by generally accepted Greek accounting practices. Yes, we are in "debt", but what is "debt"?
Debt is a promise. A relationship. Like marriage, friendship, or anonymous sex in a bathroom stall in Cleburne. If you're against debt, I bet you're the kind of chump that drives a paid-for Honda Civic when you could be leasing a BMW financed by a home equity loan taken out on a zero down all-interest home mortgage pooled with derivatives linking Cameroonian sovereign debt to Jennifer Aniston US Weekly covers.
The point is, I work hard for A&M and I don't need this sort of backstabbing by a fellow Ag. Cup a powerful man's balls once and then you're accused of something as outrageous as analingus? That's not the America I want to live in. Somebody needs to kick your ass, Roger. Not me. But someone. Like a football player or a Navy Seal; a fireman or a cowboy.
Finally, I want to thank our friends in the state capital, who are our enemies in all things, whom I despise and wish had aggressive spinal bifida, for this forum.
WHOOP.
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Fantastic. Don’t know how you do it.
Nice reference to never been licked. . .
by alphahydro on Jun 16, 2010 6:11 PM CDT reply actions
Wow, just wow.
DeLoss brings the awesome. In his balls.
by jc25 on Jun 16, 2010 6:22 PM CDT reply actions
If you’re against debt, I bet you’re the kind of chump that drives a paid-for Honda Civic when you could be leasing a BMW financed by a home equity loan taken out on a zero down all-interest home mortgage pooled with derivatives linking Cameroonian sovereign debt to Jennifer Aniston US Weekly covers.
This is how we financed Trips Right’s north houston villa.
by Vasherized on Jun 16, 2010 6:39 PM CDT reply actions
I think I hate you for giving me the truest visual possible of Deloss swinging his balls like a bolo ready to strike.
I picture his face on Tex Cobb’s in Raising Arizona. Nick Cage would enjoy the ball-busting, tho, the fag.
by sizzlechest on Jun 16, 2010 6:54 PM CDT reply actions
Saw Bill Byrne buying tickets to see “The Human Centipede.”
[insert joke here]
by texoz on Jun 16, 2010 7:45 PM CDT reply actions
Not two hours ago I ran into a buddy I hadn’t seen in several years and recommended this site to him. How fucking awesome is it that this might be the first thing he reads? Ha.
by Minnesotahorn on Jun 16, 2010 8:15 PM CDT reply actions
“There’s no way he ran hurdles in college. He’d knock down every one of them.”
Brilliant. I am so going to steal that for future use.
by Cincinnatus on Jun 16, 2010 8:18 PM CDT reply actions
I’m thinking it’s MDMA in a Flintstones Complete. Nope. Roofy!
Good God this is funny.
by parlin on Jun 16, 2010 8:29 PM CDT reply actions
Dollar Bill actually addresses acknowledges his actions in this week’s Weekly Wednesday:
Statement Three: You are DeLoss Dodds’ lapdog and things worse, actually much worse.
After reading over 200 similar e-mails the other night, I finally had one set me off and I called the writer. I’m a very competitive person and like many of you, I was raised not to back down when challenged. I’ve also got a bit of an Irish temper which came across in my voicemail. I regretted what I said as soon as I hung up. I should have been above that, and I made a mistake. For those of you who were offended by my response, I apologize, and I assure you that it will not happen again.
http://www.aggieathletics.com/genrel/061610aaa.html
You can’t make this shit up.
by Blueshorn on Jun 16, 2010 9:05 PM CDT reply actions
This rivals an Al Jazeera Rose Bowl. You’re a sick genius. You need to read this to an overconfident stripper in Vegas.
by Kevin Berger on Jun 16, 2010 9:10 PM CDT reply actions
I was just going to say the same thing. That’s great stuff. Also, I think we can safely assume that HenryJames’ has been absent lately because he’s been scouring the internet for all the obscure sexual references needed for this post.
by kevwun on Jun 16, 2010 9:31 PM CDT reply actions
Just when you think that Scipio can’t top his last missive, he breaks off with something like this.
Good show.
by Levander Williams on Jun 16, 2010 9:39 PM CDT reply actions
You were just going to say that Scip needs to read this to an overconfident stripper in Vegas? That’s the Mangino of coincidences.
I feel like we should thank Scipio for this genius, but isn’t Bill Byrne the man we should really thank? How about we send 200 e-mails of thanks to the Irish gentleman.
by The General on Jun 16, 2010 9:46 PM CDT reply actions
Jesus that is funny. Scipio lays it bare in side splitting form, but, yeah, without the Bill Byrne’s and Baylor’s of our conference, realignment would have been a barren saga. I’m already going to miss our Dan Hawkinses lost to the Busey-spirit.
by triplehorn on Jun 16, 2010 10:23 PM CDT reply actions
Sláinte, Scipio. Sláinte, Bill Batman Byrne.
by Sailor Ripley on Jun 17, 2010 12:57 AM CDT reply actions
Over the Top Scip. Brilliantly sick and perverse.
by cazadores on Jun 17, 2010 1:41 AM CDT reply actions
Great stuff Scip. I am nevertheless at least mildly disturbed at your knowledge of deviant sex practice vocabulary.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
HOOKEM
by 2xHorn on Jun 17, 2010 6:41 AM CDT reply actions
Just read Dolla Bill’s Weekly Wednesday in its entirety. Nobody is that defensive unless you have something very big to be defensive about. Amazing. That program is run by rainman without the ability to count cards.
by lazer2280 on Jun 17, 2010 8:17 AM CDT reply actions
Seriously Scip – about three paragraphs in, I wasn’t sure what you were talking about and I SURE as hell wasn’t going to Google any of the terms.
by Ag_in_TX on Jun 17, 2010 9:20 AM CDT reply actions
“The man is hung like a Dominican pool boy.”
This!
by domedriver on Jun 17, 2010 9:54 AM CDT reply actions
Sailor Ripley:
If someone doesn’t immediately register and claim “Ambush Paddington” as a user name, I am quitting BC forever.
by jonestopten on Jun 17, 2010 1:28 PM CDT reply actions
All this talk about tossing salad brings new meaning to the term “eATMe.”
by Joetx on Jun 17, 2010 5:03 PM CDT reply actions
Actually, among that vast cavalcade of perversion, this:
“vibrant, pleasant balls”
is the piéce de resistance, imo. James Lipton indeed.
by 2xHorn on Jun 17, 2010 8:37 PM CDT reply actions
When the organizational chart for barking carnival is finally published, I demand that it includes photos because I want to compare them to the ones at the post office.
by ChemEinCo on Jun 17, 2010 8:59 PM CDT reply actions
jonestopten, you don’t have to leave.
Done and done.
by Ambush Paddington on Jun 17, 2010 10:38 PM CDT reply actions
Realignment Monopoly – DeLoss Dodds and Bill Byrne Edition
by Sailor Ripley on Jun 20, 2010 11:03 AM CDT reply actions
Hello, I love the Toy Story movies, awesome movie!
by Heather Delosanglel on Jun 21, 2010 3:12 PM CDT reply actions
Eli, Peyton & Drew licking tar balls out of their fur doesn’t really count.
by Tony on Jun 21, 2010 6:36 PM CDT reply actions
I can’t help but hear Larry David as George Steinbrenner when I read this.
by Hookah on Jun 23, 2010 1:49 AM CDT reply actions
I genuinely liked this angle that you have on the subject. I wasnt planning on this at the time I begun searching for tips. Your ideas were totally simple to get. Im glad to find that there’s an individual online that obviously understands on the spot what its is talking about.
by Danette Seelye on Nov 30, 2010 8:44 AM CST reply actions
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