Byrne-ing Desire?

by Fake Ken Tremendous on Jun 16, 2010 9:47 AM CDT

My new personal hero, the alliteratively-named disgruntled Aggie Roger Rogge, recently sent the following e-mail to Texas A&M Athletic Director "Dollar" Bill Byrne:

Hey assholes

I am a third generation aggie and class of '06. my family and I, including many extend family members have had season tickets at kyle field for up to 20 yrs.

We also tailgate spending a lot of time and money during the fall in college station. That all ended today

We are canceling our season tickets and will never again donate to the 12th man until there is all new board of regents minus Gene Stallings, a new ad, new president (that guy is a disgrace).

Dollar bill, I hope you have time to pull your tongue out of dodds butt to read this email

Sincere regards,

Roger Rogge

As humorous as Rogge's typographical-error-filled e-mail, opening with the curt greeting "Hey assholes," may be, "Dollar" Bill actually managed to top it in his voicemail response. Yes, the Athletic Director at one of the largest universities in the nation actually responded personally to the ramblings of a semi-literate redneck. By telephone. And he called with the apparent intent to challenge said redneck to a fistfight.

An annotated transcript of Byrne's message is below:

This is Bill Byrne. I'm the Athletic Director at Texas A&M. I just got an e-mail from someone named "Roger Rogge," or something like that,

I like how Byrne hedges on Rogge's name, as if he thinks he may have forgotten the name he just read verbatim from the e-mail.

...asking if I've still got my tongue up Deloss Dodds' ass.

Okay. Most people think Bill called to threaten Rogge because he was insulted by this "tongue up Deloss Dodds' ass" comment. On further inspection, I think that interpretation is misguided. Just see what Bill had to say next:

Um... I'd like to talk to you in person. Uh. I'm 65 years old, but people don't say those kinds of things to me.

In other words: "I'm old, Roger. My wife hasn't talked dirty to me like that in over a decade. Pretty young girls don't look at me with that smirking come-hither look anymore. Roger, you're the first person in ages who has viewed me as a sexual being, someone with needs and desires and a longing to feel the soft touch of a lover's skin. Let's talk. In person."

He goes on:

Let me give you my direct line and we can have a pretty direct conversation.

Byrnes' voicemail reads like a late-night phone chatline commercial. Or text messages from a closeted congressman to one of his naive staffers.

979... uhm... 7... let's see... 979-862-2586 is my direct number at work.

I'm 65 years old, Roger! I can't remember shit!

Please call me.

So pathetically desperate. That's why nobody talks dirty to you anymore, Bill.

Someone who has the, uh, no guts to write that needs to have his ass kicked,

And there it is. One of the most confusing threats in the history of ever. Is Bill going to kick Rogge's ass? Or does he just think that someone needs to? And does he intend to perform said asskicking over the phone? And why? Because Rogge signed an insulting e-mail and provided his personal contact information so as to avoid hiding behind the cloak of anonymity, thereby demonstrating that he "has the, uh, no guts?"

To top off the confusion, Bill wraps up his tentative threat with a cheery farewell:

so, I'd like to hear from you. Thank you. Buh-bye.

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Comments

Roger Rogge is our Clipper Cooper.

by ColoradoAg on Jun 16, 2010 9:59 AM CDT reply actions

someone with needs and desires and a longing to feel the soft touch of a lover’s skin. Let’s talk. In person.

Notice that he does stress “needs” in his close:

“Someone who has the, uh, no guts to write that needs to have his ass kicked”

Genius as usual, Fake Ken.

by parlin on Jun 16, 2010 9:59 AM CDT reply actions

Bravo Fake Ken, bravo.

by Wyatt on Jun 16, 2010 10:09 AM CDT reply actions

The Aggies won’t grant this article any credence until they hear from the real Ken Tremendous.

“I MEAN IT SAYS FAKE RAAAGHT THAR IN HIS NAAAAME. GOLL-LLY.”

by Vasherized on Jun 16, 2010 10:29 AM CDT reply actions

I approve this message.

by Ken Tremendous on Jun 16, 2010 10:42 AM CDT reply actions

Satisfied Vash?

by The General on Jun 16, 2010 10:43 AM CDT reply actions

It looks like the Aggies officially have a problem on their hands. Just like World War II, they’ll somehow get through it.

by Vasherized on Jun 16, 2010 11:03 AM CDT reply actions

“Hey, everyone’s got their fantasies, right? Guy wants to know what, you know, it’s like to be with another man. Just once. Nothing queeny. Two guys checking it out and then the other forgets. That could be sweet for some guys.”

- this free-association has been closed-captioned for the nerd-impaired

by spider on Jun 16, 2010 11:09 AM CDT reply actions

If ABC/ESPN was a driving force behind keeping the Big12-2, ATM is shit out of luck. The SEC isn’t going to start the same mess if ESPN doesn’t want it to happen.

by kevwun on Jun 16, 2010 11:29 AM CDT reply actions

by Scipio Tex on Jun 16, 2010 11:37 AM CDT reply actions

Isn’t this what AgAssist is for?

Also, wasn’t Bill B reported o have been in Montana the whole time this rejiggering was going on?

by Sailor Ripley on Jun 16, 2010 11:52 AM CDT reply actions

Dolla Bill was in Idaho at a family reunion. That’s right, he couldn’t be bothered to attend the meetings that would decide his school’s fate and impact his university for years to come. Probably the biggest decisions in 100 years for his school and he decided cousin Irma’s potato salad was more important. What a joke.

by t1climb1 on Jun 16, 2010 11:57 AM CDT reply actions

I’ll give this much to the e-mailer. He actually put his name to what he actually wanted to say. That’s not gutless.

by Bob in Houston on Jun 16, 2010 12:06 PM CDT reply actions

Definitely not gutless, but man if that’s what 3 generations of Aggie education gets you they’ll fit right in in the SEC>

by bob on Jun 16, 2010 12:15 PM CDT reply actions

Someone who has the, uh, no guts to write that needs to have his ass kicked

Threats of violence are always more intimidating when issued in the third-person passive voice.

by BrickHorn on Jun 16, 2010 1:03 PM CDT reply actions

In fairness to Bill, I’d much rather spend time in Idaho with Irma’s potato salad than spend a weekend in college station.

by nordberg on Jun 16, 2010 1:19 PM CDT reply actions

It is unprofessional to even write such an article as this. Most don’t know the entire story; I for one don’t, so why do you insist on pretending to.
Way to go bill!!! We all get fed up with the idiots of this world and only a few have the guts to call some out who hides behind the internet

by BigJohn on Jun 16, 2010 1:40 PM CDT reply actions

I didn’t realize that you guys were professionals. Shit just got real.

by Wyatt on Jun 16, 2010 1:44 PM CDT reply actions

“spend time in Idaho with Irma’s potato salad”

Oh gawd, I just had an American Pie vision.

by Horncasting on Jun 16, 2010 1:48 PM CDT reply actions

BigJohn,

Most don’t know the entire story; I for one don’t, so why do you insist on pretending to.

I’m not pretending. I know for a fact that Bill Byrne was aroused by Roger Rogge’s rimjob-related e-mail. And, since you admit that you don’t know the entire story, you can’t reasonably contradict my authority on this topic.

by Fake Ken Tremendous on Jun 16, 2010 1:48 PM CDT reply actions

I stand corrected “nonprofessionals”
…I do know enough about the situation to know you know less! and I’ll be happy to meet you in person to have a more direct conversation!!

by BigJohn on Jun 16, 2010 1:53 PM CDT reply actions

Oh, and I meant to add, it appears alcohol could have been a factor in that e-mail.

by Bob in Houston on Jun 16, 2010 1:54 PM CDT reply actions

I stand corrected "nonprofessionals"
…I do know enough about the situation to know you know less! and I’ll be happy to meet you in person to have a more direct conversation!!

Now, you’re hitting on Fake Ken Tremendous. We’ve uncovered an aggressively gay Aggie cabal. Are you a jam or syrup guy?

by Scipio Tex on Jun 16, 2010 1:56 PM CDT reply actions

Now, you’re hitting on Fake Ken Tremendous. We’ve uncovered an aggressively gay Aggie cabal. Are you a jam or syrup guy?

What? No flavored cocksicle references?

by texoz on Jun 16, 2010 2:41 PM CDT reply actions

I stand corrected "nonprofessionals"
…I do know enough about the situation to know you know less! and I’ll be happy to meet you in person to have a more direct conversation!! - BigJohn

by Huckleberry on Jun 16, 2010 2:44 PM CDT reply actions

Just to be perfectly clear, because Aggies have no sense of humor when it comes to latent homosexuality: By “I’m not pretending,” I mean to say “I am obviously pretending, for the purposes of satire.” And by “I know for a fact” I mean to say “I am obviously pretending to know for a fact, for the sake of comedic effect.”

In any case, although I am certainly flattered by anonymous Aggie twink BigJohn’s interest, I am already involved in a happy long-term relationship with a beautiful pair of conjoined Navajo twins. Lady twins.

by Fake Ken Tremendous on Jun 16, 2010 3:05 PM CDT reply actions

Thanks, the article was hilarious enough, but the comments caused a couple of uncoordinated ducksnorts that alerted my coworkers to my non-work related activity & jarred my colon.

I now must step away from the keyboard and deal with an unwanted turtlehead. And no, Big John, that’s not some sort of twisted invitation.

by Seeing Red on Jun 16, 2010 3:35 PM CDT reply actions

It seems to me that Roger needs to have his ass kicked. Now, is Bill Byrne the man to do it?

by seattlehusker on Jun 16, 2010 8:06 PM CDT reply actions

New material, Fake Ken.

Dollar Bill actually addresses his actions in this week’s Weekly Wednesday:

Statement Three: You are DeLoss Dodds’ lapdog and things worse, actually much worse.

After reading over 200 similar e-mails the other night, I finally had one set me off and I called the writer. I’m a very competitive person and like many of you, I was raised not to back down when challenged. I’ve also got a bit of an Irish temper which came across in my voicemail. I regretted what I said as soon as I hung up. I should have been above that, and I made a mistake. For those of you who were offended by my response, I apologize, and I assure you that it will not happen again.

http://www.aggieathletics.com/genrel/061610aaa.html

by Blueshorn on Jun 16, 2010 9:10 PM CDT reply actions

Dollar Bill admits they are not a great program:

“Statement Four: I’m done supporting Texas A&M and will not return until you change conferences.

“I regret that very much. One of the challenges we face at Texas A&M is we have never sold out Kyle Field in season tickets. I attributed that to a margin of our fans that focus on who the Aggies are playing instead the fact the Aggies are playing. Folks tell me they take pride on being big Aggie supporters. To the fans on the margin it means they have never missed a game against our friends from the state capital or a big game in general. Great program’s fans support their team regardless of the opponent. They are grateful to be in the stadium. My hope is we can build Texas A&M football to be one of those great programs.”

by Blueshorn on Jun 16, 2010 9:21 PM CDT reply actions