Big 12 Media Days: Art Briles

Briles, still jazzed about Texas saving Baylor from the SWAC and a home and home series with Alcorn State, revealed that he would repay Longhorn kindness by voting Texas 34th in the Coaches Poll, up nine slots from his original ballot.

One thing I like about Briles is that he's a junior Les Miles in that he can say extraordinarily dumb things, but do so with total confidence and conviction. That takes real skill and these people run many of our nation's great institutions.

Folks, Briles is, like, jacked!

We're really jacked about the season. We really feel good about it. I really think, without a doubt, it will be the most complete team we've been able to put on the field since we've been at Baylor, which started in 2008.

Ladies and gentleman, I present you the most complete team of my lengthy two plus year reign.

Much better than my 4-8 2008 squad.

Indeed, they would make mincemeat of my 4-8 2009 squad.

For the first time in history, a majority of my starters will be practicing heterosexuals.

Ladies and gentleman, this team has every opportunity to go 5-7! To clarify: that is FIVE wins and only SEVEN losses.

Yes, you heard me right. Now begin your questions, once your jaws are no longer agape.

What's responsible for this wild optimism, Briles?

You know, I mean, the easy answer is chemistry, of course. You know, but that's the real answer also.

What's 2+2? You know, I mean, the easy answer is 4, of course. But that's the real answer also! Sometimes answers are funny in that they are both easy and true! A man named Occam said that and he wasn't even a Baptist. Naw, I'm just joshin'. I don't know who Occam is.

A lot of people don't know Antonio Johnson, that his nickname's Cuddy.

He's called Cuddy because you have to chew him out seven times before he digests a play.

Better than Cunty, I suppose.

They don't know Danny Watkins, that he was a firefighter and a hockey player before he ever played football.

If Danny Watkins becomes an astronaut, he'll have held every job I aspired to at age eight. Too bad he's Canadian.

A filthy people.

They may not know about Phil Taylor, that he's a transfer from Penn State and that he's transformed himself into what we think he needs to be as a football player to contribute to our football team.

We remember Phil Taylor. You hyped him up last year to such an extent that the media voted him Preseason Newcomer of The Year. He has the motor of a Vespa in the body of a dump truck.

The thing I like about our guys who we're putting on field this year is they're going to be very fresh, very fast, and very fearless.

And very alliterative.

On Robert Griffin's recovery...

What we've got to do, when we get him on the field September the 4th, is see how he responds instinctively. That's how you determine where you're at physically is when you make movements without your brain working first.

Les Miles II.

Forget the knee injury. Baylor has not yet definitively determined if Robert Griffin is in a vegetative coma. They'll find out by rolling him onto the field and seeing if instinct takes over.

Also, Briles believes that we can make movements "without our brain working first."

Briles is not one for keeping up with news and current events, like, say, the Big 12 realignment or the moon landing.

REPORTER: Art, coming from Baylor, what are your thoughts on the Big 12 being held together verbally and not contractually?

BRILES: Is it not contractually? You're telling me stuff that I don't even know.

And hey, mister smart-ass journalist, I suppose you don't mind tellin' me where babies come from while you're at it?

REPORTER: There's nothing holding the league together. It's just the word of the higher-ups.

(Briles shits himself momentarily)

BRILES: You're on the inside? That's the word through the media? I don't know. Honestly, that's the first I've heard of that. I'm sure there will be a contract signed. There's people in that room that know that answer. I mean, where I'm from, verbally works for me. You know what I'm saying? If I tell you I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it. You may not have to shake my hand. If you look me in the eye and say, Coach, I'm going to be there at practice, I'm going to expect you to be there. If I tell you, I'm going to go out and buy you lunch today, it's my day to buy lunch, forget your billfold. So verbal works for me.

Waco Tribune headline:

Briles Says Oral Just Fine For Him!