I will readily admit that sports radio hosts are, as a group, not exactly radiant beacons of deep analytical thought. Don't trouble yourself over my questionable use of the term "admit" in that sentence, as if I could admit to anything about a class of individuals of which I'm not a member. The point is this: sports talk at the national media level is typically superficial, recycled and unenlightening.
Even with such low expectations planted firmly in mind, the theory Colin Cowherd proposed on his show this morning was shockingly stupid. I only caught approximately 8 minutes of the program, but his argument seems to be this: the Dallas Cowboys will not win the Superbowl this season, because Tony Romo wears his baseball cap backwards.
Think that claim is laughable? Just wait until you hear the logic behind it. As Cowherd irrelevantly notes, CEOs don't wear baseball caps backwards. Since quarterbacks are, according to Cowherd, the CEOs of their respective football franchise (even more so than the actual CEOs of NFL franchises), then it stands to reason that quarterbacks who wear their caps on backwards cannot lead their respective teams to the Superbowl.
It's Monday evening, and I'm in the mood for syllogistic rigor. Here's Cowherd's argument:
1. CEOs do not wear baseball caps backwards.
2. The "CEO" a football team is the quarterback.
3. Tony Romo is the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys.
4. Tony Romo wears a baseball cap backwards.
5. Ergo, the Dallas Cowboys will not win the Superbowl this season.
Makes sense, right? I'm going to start using that same logic on my wife. "Honey, you have to let me go out with the guys to the steakhouse and titty bar tonight. CEOs go to steakhouses and titty bars with their friends. I am the CEO of this family. Ergo, I must go to the steakhouse and titty bar with my friends."
Of course, the converse of Cowherd's argument doesn't work nearly as well.
1. Quarterbacks wear jock straps, mesh jerseys and helmets.
2. The "quarterback" of a major international corporation is its CEO.
3. Joe Smith is the CEO of a major international corporation.
4. Joe Smith wears a jock strap, mesh jersey and helmet to his weekly BD/SM sessions.
5. Ergo, Joe Smith's company is incredibly profitable.
But Cowherd did not merely rest his case on the unassailable logic of an airtight syllogism. Ever the empiricist, Cowherd recounted real-world data pointing to a clear correlation between a quarterback's backwards-hat-wearing and his Superbowl failure - specifically, that Matt Ryan and Drew Brees do not wear their hats backwards while Tony Romo and Ben Roethlisberger do.
This backwards-cap-wearing man will never win a Superbowl.
Will the off-season ever end?