Guest Column: Jim Rome Previews the Big XII
by Fake Ken Tremendous on Aug 20, 2010 11:18 AM CDT
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PrintThe Barking Carnival is pleased to welcome award-winning syndicated sports radio host Jim Rome as a guest columnist.
In this installment, Mr. Rome shares his thoughts on the upcoming Big XII football season. Enjoy.
~ The Editors.
Cloooohnnnnnesss.
Rome here.
You know me.
Syndicated radio host.
Nationwide audience.
Curt word-bursts.
As a young man. Hit on the melon.
With a claw hammer.
Seventy.
Eight.
Times.
Massive damage to the cerebellum.
Impaired speech.
Inability to form compound thoughts.
Hih. Larious.
Letstalkbigtwelve.
First of all - conference expansion?
Wrong.
Conference. Contraction.
Big XII? Ten teams.
Big Ten? Twelve teams.
Big fish? Little fish.
Fox.
In.
Socks.
Hey Dan Beebe.
Nice eleventh hour resurrection.
In. Credible.
Almost. Godlike.
Bigger. Than Jesus.
I want.
To fellate you.
Moving on.
Nebraska.
The Huskers.
Five. National. Championships.
I-formation. Option.
Tom Osbourne.
Ndamokung Suh.
Boy Named Sue.
Johnny. Freaking. Cash.
Money.
Moving on.
The Colorado Buffaloes.
Hey Dan Hawkins.
My Pop Warner team wants its coach back.
Signed. Kid who played on Pop Warner team where the coach insisted that his own fat, slow kid play quarterback.
Tre. Mendous.
Kansas.
Not a football state.
When I think of Kansas I think basketball.
Corn.
Abraham Lincoln.
NASA.
Anonymous.
Anal.
Sex.
In.
Truck stop.
As they say. When in Rome.
You know what I mean.
You. Get it.
Good times.
movingon
Kansas State?
Just like Kansas.
Same state.
Don't believe me?
Look it up.
W-W-W. Dot. Kansas State is in Kansas. Dot. Com.
Book it.
Missouri.
Mizzou.
The Tigers.
They play some football.
In a stadium.
In Missouri.
In the Show Me State.
Hey Missouri - show me a winning record.
In football.
Then show me your brown starfish.
Epic.
movingon
Iowa. Freaking. State.
Let's go to the mailbag.
Dear Iowa State.
I want my mascot back.
Signed.
The Billings Junior College Fighting Red Bird Head Tornado Monsters.
Hih. Larious.
O. Riginal.
Oklahoma.
The Sooners.
Boomer. Sooner.
Bob. Stoops.
He can coach.
He can recruit.
The man can recruit.
And coach.
Think they play some defense in Norman?
Tre. Mendous.
They play some offense, too.
Passing. The. Football.
That's how you do it.
That's how they do it.
The Sooners.
In. Credible.
Oklahoma State.
Also from Oklahoma.
Also pass the football.
The difference?
T.
Boone.
Pickens.
Think that man made some money?
Johnny. Freaking. Cash.
More cash than I'll ever make.
Think he has enough money to buy a small compound and stash a dozen or so abducted Lithuanian prostitutes?
I like to think so.
Epic.
Baylor.
They play in Waco.
Hey Baylor - try not to die in a fiery government raid.
Hih. Larious.
The Bears.
Hairy gay guys.
Leather.
Hard hats.
Woof.
Tre. Mendous.
Texas A&M.
Did you hear what I said about the Aggies?
Mike Sherman.
Sherman's March.
Sherman's going to march.
All.
Over.
Aggieland.
March madness.
Final Four.
Four Horsemen.
Apocalypse.
Spike TV's "Carpocalypse."
Carpal.
Tunnel.
Syndrome.
Book it.
Texas Tech.
What is up with the Red Raiders?
Un. Believable.
You heard it here first.
The Texas Longhorns.
Bevo.
A cannon.
Mack. Freaking. Brown.
Think he can coach?
Think he can recruit some athletes?
Mack.
Freaking.
Brown.
And what about Garrett Gilbert?
Garrett.
Freaking.
Gilbert.
Quarterback.
Burnt. Orange.
Austin. Texas.
Think they play some football down there?
Think they strap it up and come to play?
Think they bring their lunch pail?
Every.
Freaking.
Play?
So there you have it.
Rome's Big XII predictions.
Book it.
Solid.
Tre. Mendous.
Un. Deniable.
Un. Intelligible.
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Comments
Wow. That is impossible not to read in his voice.
by PatronSaint on Aug 20, 2010 11:24 AM CDT reply actions
You realize that now you have to change. your. handle.
Fake. Ken. Tre. Mendous
by texastough on Aug 20, 2010 11:48 AM CDT reply actions
Hey Baylor – try not to die in a fiery government raid.
by Sailor Ripley on Aug 20, 2010 12:31 PM CDT reply actions
“Anonymous.
Anal.
Sex.
In.
Truck stop.
As they say. When in Rome.
You know what I mean.”
EPIC WIN
by burnt orange outrage on Aug 20, 2010 12:46 PM CDT reply actions
I had trouble figuring out if you actually had Rome as a guest writer or not.
by UT-06 on Aug 20, 2010 12:56 PM CDT reply actions
Spot. On.
Phenomenal.
True, it is impossible not to read it without hearing Rome’s voice. Although, you have to read it more quickly than Rome actually talks – otherwise, you’d take 20 minutes to finish.
by Levander Williams on Aug 20, 2010 1:03 PM CDT reply actions
You made my day by mentioning Carpocalypse. What a great program that was. How could you not love a show where one of the main characters was man and vehicle named Fordzilla.
We used to sit around the house for that short lived series, and get plowed as we watched Figure 8 races on dirt tracks, while ’79 Ford F-150s pulled rusted out campers. How did this show not make it? The day they played demolition derby style soccer was awesome.
Bring back Capocalypse now!
by thestos on Aug 20, 2010 1:04 PM CDT reply actions
I must restate:
Hey Baylor – try not to die in a fiery government raid.
Epic.
Do you hear that, Bugaha?
by Scipio Tex on Aug 20, 2010 1:39 PM CDT reply actions
I endorse this.
+ Bugaha.
by Drowning in the stream of consciousness on Aug 20, 2010 1:47 PM CDT reply actions
UT06 -
I had trouble figuring out if you actually had Rome as a guest writer or not.
There’s a simple test you can apply to determine whether or not someone actually writes for us. Ask yourself: does this writer live in his mother’s basement and subsist on Jolt Cola, Bugles and nasal spray? If the answer to either of those questions is “no,” then that person does not write for the Barking Carnival.
by BrickHorn on Aug 20, 2010 2:05 PM CDT reply actions
That was great. I kept waiting for the joke to get old, but it didn’t.
by nordberg on Aug 20, 2010 2:06 PM CDT reply actions
So dammit Brick, does Jim Rome write for Barking Carnival or not? That could go either way.
by nordberg on Aug 20, 2010 2:07 PM CDT reply actions
I remember really liking Rome when i was 15 and got my own car radio (because it was in my car). I listened to his show a lot, and thought that learning all the jargon would somehow make me a solid member of the cult of sports fan. Then I moved off to school and didn’t listen to him for about 8 years. The next time I heard him, I thought I was listening to a bad Diamonique show on QVC except much slower.
by Nero on Aug 20, 2010 2:17 PM CDT reply actions
Much like Nero (although I was 23-24), I listened to Rome almost daily for two years. Then my work schedule shifted, and I stopped. I listened again several years later to find the show had not changed. Emailers referenced the same material in 2009 that they did in 1999.
Bugaha
Unsavory
XR4TI crew
Lunch with the monkey
Out
by RadioSilence on Aug 20, 2010 2:41 PM CDT reply actions
Like any good soap opera, you should be able to tune back into Rome after a 10 year gap and pick up the plot line right where it left off.
by Scipio Tex on Aug 20, 2010 2:43 PM CDT reply actions
Frank Caliendo as Jim Rome:
“Nick Saban attacks defenses the way I attack a four syllable word. In. Credible. Re. Diculous. Pre. Nuptial. Count. Chooocula.”
by dlonghorns on Aug 20, 2010 2:44 PM CDT reply actions
Well done, but I have to think you missed an opportunity for a Chris Everett/Chrissy Simms link.
Also, nice subtle referral to one of the great Longhorn BBS irritations.
As we all know, he committed to oklahoma freakshow, not that he lives in oklahoma and i am the idoit
by CrazyJoeDavola on Aug 20, 2010 3:46 PM CDT reply actions
I have not listened to the show in 10 years, but I’m almost positive I could turn it on for the drive home and hear some clone giving his take, oblivious to the fact that the “rant” that was designed to appear as an off the cuff opinion on modern events was obviously being read word for word from his carefully prepared script that he had been practicing in front of the mirror for days.
by stuckinmn on Aug 20, 2010 4:01 PM CDT reply actions
Nothing like a little Jim Rome to diminish an otherwise brilliant website.
Mathematically…..
Barking Carnival > Jim Rome
…but…
Barking Carnival + Jim Rome < Barking Carnival
…therefore…
Jim Rome < 0
by dbahawk on Aug 20, 2010 4:27 PM CDT reply actions
…but…
Barking Carnival + Jim Rome < Barking Carnival
…therefore…
Jim Rome < 0
Hazy Shade of Winter?
by Morton Downey, Jr. on Aug 20, 2010 6:18 PM CDT reply actions
I like this almost as much as I like reading Clipper Cooper. I want more of this
by mikecrabtree on Aug 21, 2010 12:25 PM CDT reply actions
WORTH
LESS
…than an OU English degree? That’s unpossible!
by Ralph Wiggum on Aug 22, 2010 1:26 PM CDT reply actions
“he committed to oklahoma freakshow, not that he lives in oklahoma and i am the idoit”
I still laugh out loud when this pops into my head for no reason.
by JUICE on Aug 23, 2010 11:27 AM CDT reply actions
I wonder how many people remember that from the old Big 12 board days. A true classic.
by Scipio Tex on Aug 23, 2010 5:34 PM CDT reply actions
That. was a great take. It. Did. Not. Suck.
by Go Big Rev on Aug 23, 2010 11:24 PM CDT reply actions
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by freakshare premium on Dec 18, 2010 10:23 AM CST reply actions
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