Mike Sherman Wants You At Texas AM

by Scipio Tex on Aug 25, 2010 3:41 AM CDT

Greetings Promising Negro Athlete!

I am Mike Sherman. The head coach of the Fightin' Texas Aggies. Pleased to meet you.

Your home is very pleasing and I like the way you pronounce the word "aunt."

I like this barcalounger very much. Just going to ease down and take a load off - Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, that's nice. The plastic traps heat nicely.

Each shift of my buttocks unfolds a new wrinkle of warmth and security.

Now.

I want to tell you about Texas A&M, the unique pride of Aggie spirit, what we have to offer, and...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......................
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......................
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz....zzz...zzz...z...

Gwa-wha?...(snort)...ishappened? Shermwasnapping?

Good Golly, I nodded off! Without my hemorrhoid doughnut. And your family stacked grape drink cans on me. All in ten minutes.

Mmmm? It's quarter to nine? So four hours, then. Goodness, me. Might we just catch the end of Matlock? That Andy Griffith plays possum until the final scene and then he brings it all together. Just fine television. Not like that CSI foolishness.

So, Texas A&M. That's why I'm here. I'm the head coach. Really surprised by that. To this day.

We're a large public school in Texas. We're just over an hour from Houston. We care a lot about football. The state produces 325 FBS players per year and...

...we're bad at football.

Ha ha! Right. Yes, I don't get it either. It's VERY puzzling. It's almost as if there's something deep within us, something badly broken, that thwarts us.

But we're going to change all of that. Program momentum is up. We were 6-7 last year. We went to a bowl! In Shreveport. Heard of it? Yes, THAT Shreveport. The Independence Bowl gave all of our players iPods and Macaroni Grill gift certificates. Macaroni Grill is too spicy for my tastes. The food burns my mouth like Heinz catsup or yogurt. I will be shucking and jiving to Christopher Cross and Mel Torme once I convert my tape cassettes to digital though.

Now, take away the 60 point loss to Kansas State, the blowout to Arkansas, a loss to a 3-9 Colorado team, the loss to our rival on our home field, a blowout bowl loss to a bad Georgia team quarterbacked by an albino, and we're 11-2.

Do you see the momentum we just established - right here - in this living room? Playing pretend. Using the powers of imagination.

I'm a players' coach. I want to be your friend.

I want to be the fella you confide in when your best girl has you down. Or when you don't know who to ask to the sock hop. Maybe you'd just like to go out and play a little snooker? Work a crossword puzzle together. Get out the croquet mallets.

I keep a snort of rye in my upper desk drawer, but that's just between us. Maybe we'll just talk the fight game. Rocky Marciano. Jack Dempsey. Gene Tunney. The long count. Primo Carnera!

Who is your favorite Davis Cup captain of all time? Mine is Bill Tilden. A real gentleman. I wish they still played in long pants and sweaters.

Do you like harness racing as much as I do?

Will you be Mike Sherman's friend?

I'd like to be yours. I understand the pressures of youth today. The marijuana cigarettes. Switchblades. Rumbles. Talking back sassy to teachers. Busting milk bottles on front porches. I'm not as out of touch as rival recruiters paint me.

Say, do you happen to know who BRETT FAVRE is? Of the NFL? Let me pause meaningfully and let you absorb that.

PAUSE.

I made him who he is today. He came to me an ignorant indestructible hick playing solely on instinct and I transformed him into an ignorant indestructible hick playing solely on instinct.

My coaching philosophy? Simple. Plentiful rest, high fiber, 75 SPF sunscreen, naps, Docker pants with flexi-waistbands, and winning.

Has our recruiting been a little slow? I don't know. Are three toed tree sloths slow? It's a matter of perspective. To a saguaro cactus, it's a very fast animal.

Sure, Texas will get their guys.

Then Oklahoma.

LSU. Oklahoma State. Texas Tech.

Then TCU.

SMU. Baylor.

Colorado School of Mines.

Yeshiva.

The Culinary Institute of America.

But if you think SFA and Rice are going to consistently whip us on the recruiting trail, fella, I've got ocean front property in College Station to sell you.

I can see you're persuaded by the way you're avoiding eye contact with me. Just think it over. We only offer 130 to 140 guys each year, tops.

We knew when the Letter Of Intent hit you from the crop duster offer strafing at the Dallas Nike Camp that you were special.

Come to A&M, son. You won't regret it. And if you do regret it, you can always join the merchant marine or go hoboing.

Look into my sleepy, unblinking eyes. And clasp my hand in warm companionship.

Do I have your commitment?

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Comments

I’m sold.

by Promising Negro Athlete on Aug 25, 2010 5:18 AM CDT reply actions

‘Shermwasnapping?’ is outstanding and destined to be used throughout the season.

by Minnesotahorn on Aug 25, 2010 5:35 AM CDT reply actions

You’re a sick man, Scipio Tex.

And I’ve gained a new appreciation for barcaloungers.

by jonestopten on Aug 25, 2010 6:01 AM CDT reply actions

Shame on you Scip. Narcolepsy is not a real funny affliction.

Sadly, it is FUPA related.

by BeatenDeadHorse on Aug 25, 2010 6:46 AM CDT reply actions

I rarely laugh out loud when reading something online, but good God. I do believe the ol’ Shermanator deserves a commitment or two after this. Fantastic stuff.

by Cricketslayer on Aug 25, 2010 7:04 AM CDT reply actions

NICE! Like Mack said recently, recruiting is getting easier because we’ve had a 10 year plus record of winning. ’98-00 were so crucial to start turning the worm. Now things are easy.

Who wants to go to aggy unless your family has deep roots with them. Even now, those deep rooted folks are as silent as they’ll ever be.

by Orangechipper on Aug 25, 2010 7:47 AM CDT reply actions

Stacking grape drink cans on him while shermwasnapping, FTMFW.

Also, Docker pants with flexi-waistbands are no joke. Those things are awesome.

by nordberg on Aug 25, 2010 8:10 AM CDT reply actions

The other people in the office asked me twice what the hell I was laughing at. Even by your high standard, this is outstanding stuff, sir.

by burnt orange outrage on Aug 25, 2010 9:03 AM CDT reply actions

wait, wait, wait:

A&M recruits get to take frequent naps?!!!!

Damn you, spent eligibility, DAMN YOU!!!!!!

by BatesHorn on Aug 25, 2010 9:08 AM CDT reply actions

I understand the pressures of youth today. The marijuana cigarettes. Switchblades. Rumbles. Talking back sassy to teachers. Busting milk bottles on front porches. I’m not as out of touch as rival recruiters paint me.

Priceless. Reminds me of my UT roommate’s grandmother, who asked him, “Just how does one go about buying a pack of marijuana cigarettes?”

by Blueshorn on Aug 25, 2010 9:11 AM CDT reply actions

“Greetings Promising Negro Athlete!”

You freakin slay me man..

by JP on Aug 25, 2010 9:21 AM CDT reply actions

A perfect 10 except for the exclusion of this classic, already known to be in your Photobucket quiver:

by Vasherized on Aug 25, 2010 9:21 AM CDT reply actions

Wow – the 2011 scout rankings are astounding…we are absolutely murdering the recruiting trail. If we don’t play for at least two MNCs within the next five years I’ll be disappointed…

Oh, and great article, as always.

by uthookem on Aug 25, 2010 9:32 AM CDT reply actions

Sherman has a 10-15 record at A&M, but 2 top 25 recruiting classes. Not sure how he is doing it, but he is actually recruiting pretty well.

by Edward James Olmos on Aug 25, 2010 9:40 AM CDT reply actions

/slowly ties noose.

Hell, lets just hire Deion Sanders to replace Sherm.

by ColoradoAg on Aug 25, 2010 9:41 AM CDT reply actions

Yeshiva. Platinum.

I’m changing my shaggy handle to shermwasnapping

by Honna on Aug 25, 2010 9:43 AM CDT reply actions

Lieutenant Castillo,
Their 2011 class is an abomination.

by nordberg on Aug 25, 2010 9:51 AM CDT reply actions

Yeah, uh, Agnes’ current class is absolutely horrible. They are getting their teeth kicked in…

AND, those two top 25 classes are devoid of any defensive talent. If Aggie doesn’t have a big year this year, the type where they can poach a few recruits, they’re fucked.

http://recruitocosm.fantake.com/2010/07/28/aggie-recruiting-a-long-way-to-go/

by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 25, 2010 9:58 AM CDT reply actions

The current 16-18 year old recruits that are coming down the pike would have been roughly 4 years old the last time A&M finished ahead of Texas. So for their ENTIRE adolescent years Texas has won 10 games a year while aggy has struggled to stay at .500.

No wonder aggy has ground to make up. Unless they start winning again, the next generation of kids will continue to pass on aggy without the slightest hesitation.

by Orangechipper on Aug 25, 2010 10:09 AM CDT reply actions

You can expect a threatening voicemail from Sherman in 3…2…1…

by Lo Primero on Aug 25, 2010 10:42 AM CDT reply actions

I think you mean Bill Byrne.

by Somebody Close To The Program on Aug 25, 2010 10:44 AM CDT reply actions

What? No mention of the dog mausoleum/bat sanctuary that is Kyle Field?

great stuff, there. My $29.99/month sub is worth it.

by texoz on Aug 25, 2010 10:54 AM CDT reply actions

Any chance Texas could schedule Yeshiva? They have dates with Baylor, BYU and Notre Dame, and I’d like to complete the Judeo-Christian set.

by LongCat on Aug 25, 2010 1:22 PM CDT reply actions

Hey Colorado School of Mines is located in beautiful Golden Colorado. Right next to the Coors Brewing Company—It’s hard to compete with that kind of facility upgrade.

nordberg: I hope your joking, either that or mix in a salad and a workout

I’m embarrassed we live in a culture that benefits from expanding pants.

by roach on Aug 25, 2010 3:26 PM CDT reply actions

“That Andy Griffith plays possum until the final scene and then he brings it all together.”

I’d watch in awe as that senial old man would Three Stooge his way through the first 50 minutes, making that poor hacker from Die Hard (Clarence Gilyard) do all the leg work. Then, right when I think, “THIS WILL BE THE EPISODE WHEN NO APPREHENSION OR CONVICTION IS MADE!,” AG would come in and solve that sucker. Turns out the sumbitch was fact finding and clue collecting the whole time.

by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 25, 2010 4:43 PM CDT reply actions

I, too, thought “Yeshiva” was the Scipio Touch.

Like the Lubitch touch, only it doesn’t wash off so easily.

Well done, sir.

by parlin on Aug 25, 2010 4:44 PM CDT reply actions

Pola Negri, ftw.

by Sailor Ripley on Aug 25, 2010 8:46 PM CDT reply actions

AS Mack said recently …

by Dave on Aug 25, 2010 10:03 PM CDT reply actions

This was awesome. Thanks.

by whoopspat on Aug 25, 2010 10:12 PM CDT reply actions

Holy shit. I just booked mark crossfit. I will start Saturday morning.

by UT_06 on Aug 25, 2010 11:03 PM CDT reply actions

UT_06

Unless you are in very good shape, I recommend scaling those workouts.

But yes, it is awesome and it’s also free.

by roach on Aug 26, 2010 10:23 AM CDT reply actions

I’m in decent shape now but trying to get over an arm injury and a bit of planter fasciitis that have been holding me back a bit for about 3-4 months. Watching some random videos I saw the 5 set of 5 deads (275) and Up/down-things that is timed (looks like it is used in the competitions). I really want to give that one a try. I have a feeling it is one of those things that I’ll think I should get in the high 2s/low 3s going into it, and then feel like i’m going to puke half way through the third set.

by UT-06 on Aug 26, 2010 10:48 AM CDT reply actions

I am confused. Mack Brown is older than Sherman. I am sure your next article will be how Mack looks up to the young whipper-snapper like Sherman.

by johnb on Aug 27, 2010 7:39 AM CDT reply actions

You guys are going to feel pretty rahtarded when we kick your ass this year and win the South…at which point our 2011 recruiting class will start to look better when those whorn committs of yours start defecting. Gig ’em Eggies! Oh yeah, I like to take napzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

by Mike Sherman on Aug 27, 2010 1:57 PM CDT reply actions

Whats funny to me is that everyone seems to think there is a coach out there right now that Aggies can get that will win right away. Honestly, Bear Bryant is not walking through the door nor Mack Brown, Nick Sabin or even Mike Leach. I am not happy with whats happening in Aggie Land but honestly at least recruiting is half way exciting again. You give me a list of names that could wlak through the door and turn the team into a powerhouse within a year or two and we can discuss. Even Gary Patterson from TCU has had several years to make that program great.

by So Who Then? on Oct 21, 2010 12:39 PM CDT reply actions

This Pork grill is greate. I used it’s Everday.

by Kathi Grabau on Nov 11, 2010 4:48 AM CST reply actions

Quote:

Mike Sherman said:
August 27th, 2010 at 11:57 am

You guys are going to feel pretty rahtarded when we kick your ass this year and win the South…at which point our 2011 recruiting class will start to look better when those whorn committs of yours start defecting. Gig ‘em Eggies! Oh yeah, I like to take napzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ouch

by EnglishAg on Dec 4, 2010 5:09 AM CST reply actions