Longhorns Prevail in Contest of Gentlemanly Good Manners, 20-28

On Saturday, the Texas Longhorns prevailed over the Oklahoma Sooners in the annual contest of gentlemanly good manners between the two rival squadrons. Through four quartiles of footed ball, the Longhorns proved vastly superior to the Sooners in every phase of on-field etiquette, graciously accepting their opponent's offerings without objection and routinely presenting generous gifts to their brutish foes.

The Longhorns were particularly chivalrous in the midst of their offensive possessions. Ever the exemplar of courteous coachery, coordinator extraordinaire Gregory Davis stayed remarkably faithful to the tried-and-true credo of gentlemanly footballing to "take what the defense gives you." And take it he did!

From the very outset of the competition, Mssr. Davis demonstrated his much-celebrated aptitude for deference. When, on the opening possession, his opponents signaled their willingness to allow the Longhorns two straight sideways passed-ball completions for minimal yardage, Coach Davis saw fit to upstage the Sooners' generous offer. The Longhorns' charitable coordinator humbly accepted the two completions while, through chivalrous skill unmatched in all of Collegiate Footballery, graciously losing two yards on each play.

Having thus established a prowess for one-upping the Sooners in the gift-giving game, Coach Davis managed to consistently outshine his opponent in terms of selfless gallantry. Throughout the match, the Longhorns' offense humbly accepted the Sooners' gifts of possession, only to wrest the moral highground back from their hated foes by consuming the least possible number of downs before returning possession back to the out-classed Sooners. Quite often, the Oklahoma footballers were so caught-off-guard by the Longhorns' lightning-quick donation that they were rendered incapable of returning the favor. On several occasions, the Sooners - clearly stunned by their rival's remarkable chivalry - marched straight down the field for seven-pointed touched-downs, allowing the Longhorns to expand their already-substantial lead in the manners competition.

Even the oft-brutish Texas defense contributed to the Longhorns' charitable cause. At many points during the contest, the defense veered from accepted conventions of etiquette by denying its opponent a renewed set of downs. In previous matches, the Longhorn defense would have indulged its self-interest and impolitely forced its rival to engage in the humiliating act of puntery. But on this particular day, the Longhorn defenders proved well-disciplined by coordinator William of Muschamp and quickly rectified their impropriety, acting after the whistle's blow to endow the Sooners with a fifteen yard bonus and a fresh opportunity to further embarrass themselves through selfish ball-hoggery. Through such quick thinking, the defense preserved the Univerity of Texas's lauded philanthropic reputation.

Despite a spate of ill-mannered scoring in the final quartile, the Longhorns managed to prevail over their rival, 20-28, thereby proving themselves among the most courteous teams in the land. After enduring sixty minutes of Texas's overwhelming generosity, the Oklahoma squadron was left no choice but to stomach one final round of largesse, accepting a golden-hued brimmed hat in front of their embarrassed fans. Perhaps most humiliating of all, the Sooners found themselves in receipt of Rights of Braggery for the forthcoming year, ensuring that their uncivil lack of on-field decorum will be known to sporting men and women the world over.

Longhorn devotees should smile broadly this morning, secure in the knowledge that their footballing team's selfless charity will extend well beyond Saturday's game. Having proven themselves the conscientious superior of Oklahoma, Texas will graciously concede its spot in the rankings polls to a more uncouth squadron.

Three cheers for gentlemanly courtesy! Hip-Hip Huzzah! Hip-Hip Huzzah! Hip-Hip Huzzah!

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