Well, well. Iowa State showed up for a football game this morning. It was the only team that did. I have no answers. Out of analysis, I’m forced to analogize.
Just Don't Come Through Belgium; It Wouldn't Be Fair
Our offensive line impressed, again, like the Maginot Line. Meaning that in physical terms it appears impregnable to direct frontal assault, but if you go around it you’ll be in Paris in no time. Britt Mitchell’s lateral movement guarantees as much. Also, once they’re outflanked their physical stature is more of a hindrance and a help.
No Age Is a Two-Piece Band
Our running game is like the bass on a No Age record. Non-existent.
The Last Real Skynrd Record, Right Before That Plane Crash
Our starting receiving corp is the Johnny Van Zant led version of Lynrd Skynrd. They dress like Texas players, they play the same parts as previous Texas players, they still sell out stadiums like Texas players (temporarily), but they pale in comparison to the real thing. If James Kirkendoll, Malcolm Williams, and John Chiles are your three guitar attack then even “That Smell” is going to be out of reach.
Sure, It Looks Like a Sweet Ride
Our tight ends are 1970’s Chevy Novas. You know, exploding gas tanks, declining value, and a Spanish translation of “doesn’t go.”
He Murdered "Long Tall Sally"
Garrett Gilbert plays the quarterback position like Pat Boone plays rhythm and blues. Without soul, feeling, or ability. Or maybe he’s Lord Cardigan. If Lord Cardigan had started shooting the Light Brigade as it charged with him.
Anastasia Screamed in Vain
We have a coaching staff like Czar Nicholas had a staff of generals. Relationships and history insure stasis. We continue to send unarmed serfs into the teeth of machine gun nests, across swampy quagmires. I’m talking about bubble screens and other assorted nonsense. After the death of millions we’ll likely have revolution, but from here it’s hard to tell whether the insurgent faction will leave the nation better or worse off.
The Defense, Turned Out for Battle
The defense is Sadaam Hussein’s Republican Guard. Fearsome in reputation, harmless in reality. They beat up on the helpless but lay down their weapons when faced with a real challenge. They acquitted themselves no better than their compatriots on the offense today.
At Least He Gave Us Another Word for Whores
Will Muschamp, the great hope of the season, the lone bright star in a dimming sky, appears more a General Joseph Hooker than a General Ulysses S. Grant. Today may have been his Chancellorsville, without the dignity of having the disastrous defeat occur at the hands of someone of Robert E. Lee’s martial caliber. Like Hooker, he is not entirely to blame but he is at fault.
They Never Even Let the Bastard Rap and He Almost Brought Public Enemy Down
Our Special Teams is Professor Griff. At their best, they should serve as a supportive backdrop for Chuck D (the defense) and Flavor Flav (the offense). Unfortunately, they are full of metaphorical anti-Semitic comments, drawing needless attention and covering themselves in ignominy.
This Coin Shows the Last Western Roman Emperor
Mack Brown has been the Roman Empire. And he is now in the Romulus Augustus phase. The Goths are at the gates, influence and prestige have waned, and forced exile is in the cards. I hope it is anyway.