BREAKING NEWS: Emergency Meeting Transcript Leaked

by Barking Carnival Staff on Dec 12, 2010 11:37 PM CST in Texas Longhorns and Other Football

What follows is a partial transcript of a meeting held late last night at Bellmont Hall. This document was provided to Barking Carnival by closely guarded inside sources, none of which are a naked bongo-drumming Matthew McConaughey. We promise.

MACK BROWN: Well DeLoss, my goodness. (sigh) It's been a tough week.

DELOSS DODDS: (nodding solemnly) Mmm hmm.

BROWN: First we let go of our longest-tenured staff, including my closest friend Greg, in hopes of keeping Muschamp satisfied. Then just a week later Muschamp bails on the program.

DODDS: Mmm hmm.

BROWN: I gotta be frank, DeLoss, my head's a-spinnin'. We've got to pick a whole new staff, bring them into the fold and get them out to recruits ASAP. I just...I don't know where to start. I'm not even sure what to do.

DODDS: Mmm hmm.

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Dagga -

That was fantastic. Beautifully done. I laughed out loud. Several times.

Sixteenthback.

Mostly I’m just happy to run into another person that thinks Tom Friedman is a self-important twit.

by Scipio Tex on Dec 12, 2010 11:50 PM CST reply actions

As someone who despises Tom Friedman, this was freaking. beautiful.

by jb on Dec 12, 2010 11:54 PM CST reply actions

Brilliant! Just brilliant!

by Currently in Rehab on Dec 12, 2010 11:55 PM CST reply actions

Heh heh, thanks y’all. I just figured we all needed a chuckle or two.

by Dagga Roosta on Dec 13, 2010 12:02 AM CST reply actions

ha. someone posting on Barking Carnival that is uncomfortable with self-important twits?

by Endust on Dec 13, 2010 12:06 AM CST reply actions

Screw you, Endust. We hate well paid self-important twits. There’s a difference, you cock gobbler.

Sorry.

by Sailor Ripley on Dec 13, 2010 12:07 AM CST reply actions

Really enjoyed it DR. “Of course I’m making lemonade.”

by donkey on Dec 13, 2010 12:12 AM CST reply actions

That was very well done Dagga.

by Kasey on Dec 13, 2010 12:28 AM CST reply actions

The football field is flat, bra. FLAT!

by runthebone on Dec 13, 2010 12:57 AM CST reply actions

(unless there’s a crown for drainage purposes)

by runthebone on Dec 13, 2010 12:59 AM CST reply actions

Nicely done. Can we get another episode where Mack and Deloss have the players lectured by Matt Foley?

by Gate_of_Horn on Dec 13, 2010 1:36 AM CST reply actions

You mean Mick Foley? Good idea. Done and done.

by Dagga Roosta on Dec 13, 2010 1:53 AM CST reply actions

I figured Matt for his steady diet of government cheese and a van down by the river, but perhaps the Mick’s Mandible Claw is more motivating. Sounds like a good night for popcorn either way.

by Gate_of_Horn on Dec 13, 2010 2:40 AM CST reply actions

Using the Internet we can leverage the brains of thousands to do the job of one, from around the world, for a fraction of the cost!/

This sounds like Barking Carnival. Especially the cost part.

Great read, Dagga.

by parlin on Dec 13, 2010 7:34 AM CST reply actions

Thank you for the great piece this morning. It lifted my spirits. I feel better already. A little rum would improve my mood further.

BTW, thank you for slapping down that self-important clown, Tom Friedman.

Any chance Glenn Beck stops by to explain how George Soros spirited away Will Muschamp?

by texpat76 on Dec 13, 2010 7:38 AM CST reply actions

hahahhaa. Matt Taibbi would be proud.

I will remember to think of this post next time I decide to write a book around the fact that I ate at a Pizza Hut in Agra.

by Arriviste on Dec 13, 2010 8:01 AM CST reply actions

Very nicely done, other than the mistaken identity of the Call Center Tech. His name is actually Rajneesh. While “Chris” is close, it’s also slightly off… he signs himself “Krish” in his emails. He told me about Rico Vary.

Don’t catch the ball… catch the air, and the ball comes with it.

by Tex Long on Dec 13, 2010 8:11 AM CST reply actions

Stop pulling Tom off message.

Mick Fleetwood is your man. Dude accomplished Rumours from a storm of dope and crazy, handling Leach would be a cakewalk. If only Pardee had listened to him…

by Walter Duranty, Oiler fan on Dec 13, 2010 9:12 AM CST reply actions

(stands up… applauds… everyone within ear shot stares annoyingly…)

by Sound of one hand clapping on Dec 13, 2010 11:45 AM CST reply actions

I laughed.

by bigdukesix on Dec 13, 2010 12:26 PM CST reply actions

This had all the hilarious and painfully accurate humor of the Friedman mad libs that have been floating around with the added bonus of a cathartic perspective adjustment for our current shitty situation. Gracias.

by CVictoryJoyously on Dec 13, 2010 12:39 PM CST reply actions

Well done — cracked me up.

by Toadvine on Dec 13, 2010 1:53 PM CST reply actions

Only thing missing is an anecdote about Friedman drinking tea with some mid-level Singaporean functionary who exclaims about how Texas is crazy to be wasting its resources on football instead of wind turbines.

Aside from that, brill. Friedman would be a gas if he didn’t have so many important people hanging on his every word.

Now do Maureen Dowd! Or David Brooks!

by CrazyJoeDavola on Dec 13, 2010 2:32 PM CST reply actions

that is genius. we really could use a thousand more coaches

by wisconsinhornybadger on Dec 13, 2010 4:08 PM CST reply actions

I know people in the Econ department at GMU.

This might just kill them with laughter.

by Vulcan on Dec 13, 2010 4:20 PM CST reply actions

Very nice! I think we need a few more in which Mack starts craving, making, and consuming more “lemonade” and has vision-quests with Hawkins and Busey. Please…?

by hornbymarriage on Dec 13, 2010 7:15 PM CST reply actions

I was reading this all the while the “even- more” talented Chris Brown and Rihanna tunes were blaring through the PA system. Catch the air! Never thought I’d be reading about lemonade, toilets and the shape of a football all in one article, tho.

by W Horn on Dec 13, 2010 7:33 PM CST reply actions