Welcome to the Little Confusionarium
by Fake Ken Tremendous on Jan 25, 2011 8:12 AM CST
in Texas Longhorns and Other Football
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PrintGood morning, students. The topic of today's lecture is "confusion."
It has oft been said that to truly understand a subject, one should begin by studying the work of masters. With that in mind, we will analyze selected writings of one Billiamme "Bill" Pappadopoulis Little, a veritable savant in the fine art of rhetorical bewilderment. Specifically, our study begins with an article recently published on one of the internet's most highly-respected outlets for sports journalism and indecisive rostery.
Without further ado, let us begin our lesson.
Little is a master of obfuscatory efficiency. He wastes no words. Little's every syllable, every letter, and every punctuation mark are carefully chosen and assembled into an efficient engine of reader bemusement. In this example, Little sets the stage for disorientation from the very outset:
Bill Little commentary: Arranging the deck chairs
Now, students, put yourself in the reader's frame of mind. What is he -- or she -- thinking after reading this title?
Of course! Arranging the deck chairs. This is part of a famous cliche, 'to rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic,' meaning to engage in a futile, superficial exercise incapable of saving the metaphorical sinking ship. Little will opine that Mack Brown's attempts to salvage the Texas football program are futile.
Ha! That's what Little wants you to think. And then he hits you with this, his introductory sentence:
The preacher lady turned to the philosophy of the "Peanuts" comic strip Sunday morning, and I couldn’t help but think of how it related to the month Mack Brown has spent in his quest to rebuild his Texas Longhorn coaching staff.
So many questions emerge. "The preacher lady?" Who is this shadowy character? What sad events have driven her to seek solace in the wisdom of newspaper comic strips? And why highlight her gender? Is Little foreshadowing a romantic tryst?
Moreover, where does the "Peanuts" comic strip fit in to this tale of futility (and, possibly, passionate sex between a clergywoman and her elderly parishoner)? Surely, Little alludes to Peanuts' recurring sisyphean prank, in which Lucy snatches a football away from Charlie Brown at the last minute. Yes, that must be it.
Let's take account of what has happened in the reader's mind so far. Little managed to distract us from the very beginning of his piece, sculpting the introductory sentence into a non sequitur set against the backdrop of the article's title. His first sentence a non sequitur! Truly, Little is a virtuoso of confusion. But, with some determined reflection, our brains have managed to recover from this initial sleight-of-hand. We're back on track.
...or are we?
It seems Charlie Brown’s adversary, Lucy, has asked the following question: "Charlie Brown, life is like a deck chair on a cruise ship. Passengers open up these canvas deck chairs so they can sit in the sun. Some people place their chairs facing the rear of the ship so they can see where they’ve been. Other people face their chairs forward—they want to see where they are going. On the cruise ship of life, which way is your deck chair facing?" she asks.
Replies Charlie Brown, "I am working on getting one to unfold."
At this point, the reader's brain is contorted into a twisted pretzel of cognitive dissonance. Is this supposed to be a joke? Should I laugh? Or is there some deep message here?
Little previously referred to a "philosophy." What could it be? What is the message in that story? Is it that Charlie Brown, a cartoon character, lacks manual dexterity? In what possible way could that information be useful to me? Why do I need to know that???
And, most importantly, how does this anecdote contribute to the rising sexual tension between our protagonist and his pastor?
Haha! Don't you see? He's got you just where he wants you! This isn't a story about futility at all. And, as it turns out, there's very little sex involved. No, Little's point is simply this: Texas hired some new football coaches, and they hope to have a better season next year.
Didn't see that coming, did you?
Three paragraphs. Three short paragraphs. That's all it took for Bill Little to reduce his reader's brain to a quivering puddle of vertigo and self-doubt. If you want to learn the fine art of confusion, students, study those paragraphs well. Never in my career as Adjunct Lecturer of Writing Skills Workshop (Level 1) here at the Adult Career Rehabilitation Center have I come across a more perfect exemplar of deliberate confusery.
But Little does not stop there. Oh no. Here are a few more select examples of expert befuddling from the same piece:
Building a staff is like creating a mosaic. In the specialized world of college coaching, to recruit and to succeed you have to make sure you are teachers first and cover the critical positions.
How deliciously inscrutable! Building a staff is like creating a mosaic. Because to recruit and succeed you have to teach first and cover critical positions, which are notions that have nothing to do with either building a staff or creating a mosaic!
Masterful. Simply masterful.
Then came a tandem of exciting hires that continued a pattern of thirty-something men who infused both youth and enthusiasm into the new staff.
Say what? Who are these thirty-something men? And in which pattern are they arranged? Is this the mosaic Little mentioned earlier? Who knows!
In the years since Madden had joined Brown at North Carolina and followed him to Texas, other schools had named a football strength and conditioning coach, just as Texas already had, for instance, in basketball with the talented Todd Wright.
Typically, I'd say something like "God only knows what the point of this sentence is," but I'm not convinced that even an omniscient deity could penetrate the byzantine mind-maze Little has laid before us. It seems to say merely that "Since Texas hired Jeff Madden, other teams have hired strength and conditioning coaches. Texas also hired a strength coach for its basketball team."
But that leaves us asking things like "So what? What does that little nugget of data have to do with anything else Little mentions in his article? For that matter, what bearing does it have on anything ever? And why was the sentence apparently constructed with the sole purpose to confuse the reader?" Exactly!
See, now you're catching on.
In a career that seems laden with destiny, he had been intrigued by Texas and Brown for some time.
Ah-ha! Classic Little confusionary composition! Pay attention, students. The master is putting on a clinic.
In this case, we see the rhetorical equivalent of a jab-jab-hook combination. First, Little gets you going one way. "Oh, he's going to discuss Brian Harsin's career." Then, he tosses in a head-scratcher. "Wait, how can a career - or anything, for that matter - 'seem laden with destiny?' What does that even mean?" And then - BOOM! - while you're pondering that insoluble riddle, he pounds you over the head with some disjointed gibberish about intrigue.
What in the hell is the point of the sentence above? You see, just by asking that question, you've already missed the point. You might as well ask "What is the point of a magic trick?" The point, gentle reader, is to trick you. To confuse you. To cause you to question everything you know about logic and reason and the notion that order and sanity govern the universe.
And it's working.
Rarely has an in-place program undergone such an extreme makeover,
This is the point where the reader pisses himself out of sheer disorientation. The reader no longer knows up from down, left from right, boxer shorts from urinal. He might be asking questions like: What is an "in-place program?" What "place" is it in? How would one measure the rarity of an "extreme makeover?" What in God's name is Little talking about?
He celebrates the history of Texas football on a daily basis.
Uncontrollable tremors ensue. The reader is now speaking in tongues, eating couch cushion foam, and penning disturbingly sexual "Dora the Explorer" fan fiction. He may also be planning a history-of-Texas-football-themed party.
But he also realizes that history is a collage of both the past, the present and future.
The disorientation is irreversible. The reader has forever lost his bearings. History includes the future. Both implies three. A time collage is a perfectly reasonable concept.
Bill Little has permanently restructured your mind. And you have no choice but to accept it.
The theme—as Bennie Wylie articulated it—was "rebuilding, brick by brick."
"I am a brick," Wylie said, "and you are a brick."
All the world is a brick, Wylie. And we are only layers. Layers and layers of confusion.
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Is Fake Ken Tremendous really a pen name for Vizzini?
by UT Bondman on Jan 25, 2011 8:34 AM CST reply actions
Can you compare and contrast the literary style’s of Bill Little and Bill Byrne? I think Senor Poco is a bit more obtuse. How much do you pay him to churn out this pablum?
by KilgoreTrout on Jan 25, 2011 8:43 AM CST reply actions
Masterwork, FKT.
“Laden with destiny” and “In-place program” are awesome and deserve wide usage on the Texas internets.
In the years since Madden had joined Brown at North Carolina and followed him to Texas, other schools had named a football strength and conditioning coach, just as Texas already had, for instance, in basketball with the talented Todd Wright.
This might be the single stupidest sentence Bill Little has written. A completely useless statement, expressed as inarticulately as possible.
But he also realizes that history is a collage of both the past, the present and future.
This is awesome too. A bizarre idea made better by the misuse of both.
by bigdukesix on Jan 25, 2011 8:50 AM CST reply actions
In the years since Madden had joined Brown at North Carolina and followed him to Texas, other schools had named a football strength and conditioning coach, just as Texas already had, for instance, in basketball with the talented Todd Wright.
It does make a lot more sense in context though.
by bigdukesix on Jan 25, 2011 8:55 AM CST reply actions
I lost it at “couch cushion foam.”
Excellent work, Fake Ken.
by Lark 47 on Jan 25, 2011 8:58 AM CST reply actions
FKT,
That’s a pretty weak hatchet job of Bill Little’s article.
You are correct that Bill chooses his words correctly. Instead of trying to break down every sentence and expand on it, you would be better off by doing the 2nd grade reading exercise and “find the main idea”. That would be “everyone needs to chill the fuck out, Mack knows what he is doing”.
For all the grinding of teeth, and everyone wanting to know “WHAT THE HELL IS MACK DOING!!!!!!” “WHY IS HE WAITING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!” and such bullshit, Mack’s coaching hires were a series of home runs that even Sammy Sosa would have admired (during his winstrol years).
Bill breaks it down the hiring process there in a way that Ketch and all of the other dufus pay site wanna-be insiders wish they could. Sure, he uses some over the top imagery. So what? I sure as hell prefer that to him trying to explain loyalty and commitment to long relationships (if GDGD had been allowed to stay).
by Bullet Tooth Tony on Jan 25, 2011 9:03 AM CST reply actions
“But he also realizes that history is a collage of both the past, the present and future.”
This is, perhaps, the dumbest thing ever written on the internet. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.
Thanks FKT. Ever since I read that, I was waiting for your breakdown. You did not disappoint.
by Bartoncreek on Jan 25, 2011 9:06 AM CST reply actions
Simply genius. Shakespeare, John Kennedy Toole, all wrapped together in a tapestry of awesome. Well done, sir.
by SydneyCarton on Jan 25, 2011 9:08 AM CST reply actions
At least he went with Charlie Brown, rather than his usual choice of hero, plucky little Gavroche from Les Miserables.
Nothing like comparing the Texas Longhorns to 18th C. French street urchins.
by Arriviste on Jan 25, 2011 9:18 AM CST reply actions
… to truly understand a subject, one should begin by … >/i>
… finding the meaning of the terminology involved.
In this case, the primary term is “confuse”, which can be grasped with the understanding of SELF (Southern European Language Family) “con”, together, and “fuse”, to mix. In fact, Latin confusus is a past participle of confundere, which means of course to mix together.
That is, converted into the NELF (Northern European Language Family) terminology that comprises the vast majority of childhood English, all mixed up.
To read Bill Little’s handiworks with any attitude other than the same one you would take when regarding a first-grader’s finger paintings seems an exercise in utter futility. The MOMA will not be sending representatives to procure these things at any price. Paraphrasing Barbara Bush, why would you want to waste your beautiful mind on such things?
Still, it merits certain consideration. Is it truly the result of Herr Klein’s own mind, sampled in real time through his fingers? Or is there a version of BullDada or Gibberish Generator appropriately salted with words, phrases and sentence structures gleaned from the proto-historic Little, which is able to churn out mindless drivel instantly?
A sample salted with nothing more than the name of our school:
The University of Texas has revolutionized the abstraction of power shifts. An organization that can engineer correctly will (someday) be able to morph correctly. The communities factor can be summed up in one word: impactful. Think seamless.
We have proven we know that if you target macro-dynamically then you may also enhance efficiently. We think we know that it is better to scale virally than to reinvent nano-seamlessly. If all of this sounds unclear to you, that’s because it is!
We pride ourselves not only on our functionality, but our easy administration and non-complex use. The power to reintermediate macro-robustly leads to the ability to incubate perfectly. We will evolve the ability of social networks to facilitate. The compliance factor can be summed up in one word: cross-media.
… and that’s the way it is, Tuesday, January 25th, 2011. Get your Horns up!
by Tex Long on Jan 25, 2011 9:20 AM CST reply actions
Thanks Fake!
When I first saw that title on MBTF, I immediately knew you would jump on it and that your review would be the only way I would be able to stomach Bill’s latest offering.
The tremors, tongues and foam where very funny imagery. You were pegging the meter with that one!
by dasmithjones on Jan 25, 2011 9:45 AM CST reply actions
I want to read the Dora fan fiction.
Just swing by Nickel Rover’s in a Tuesday.
Nice work, FKT. Turns out we attended the same writing skillz workshop.
by Vasherized on Jan 25, 2011 9:50 AM CST reply actions
Tex Long
The gibberish generator is nice and all, but you need to add the feel good sentiment of a Disney movie or a Coke commercial and I think you’ll have it nailed.
by roach on Jan 25, 2011 10:01 AM CST reply actions
Lulz. There’s a thread going over at Orangebloods where they’re treating this like Shakespeare.
by nordberg on Jan 25, 2011 10:15 AM CST reply actions
I’ve been hoping for this from the moment I heard that Little had thrown another grenade at English composition. Well done FKT.
by Wyatt on Jan 25, 2011 10:24 AM CST reply actions
But he also realizes that history is a collage of both the past, the present and future.
I know it’s been mentioned already, but this may be the worst sentence ever written. It probably is the worst sentence ever written by someone who considers himself a serious writer.
Every time I read it I see a new problem with it. All in one sentence he used both for three items, had lack of parallelism in a list (the past, the present, but just future), defined history as including present and future events, and wrote it as a separate sentence when it just causes the writing to seem stilted. Of course, this sentence was brought to us by a guy that obviously fancies himself as some sort of literary master and tries to turn every fluff piece he writes into a timeless classic.
by Huckleberry on Jan 25, 2011 10:34 AM CST reply actions
How does one become laden with destiny? TEACH ME!
by Vasherized on Jan 25, 2011 11:01 AM CST reply actions
I have been laden with Destiny before. At least I think that was her name. Most, um, “dancers” are named Destiny. Or Cherry. Or Amber.
h/t to nordberg on the Orangebloods thread. Wow. Reading that board is like viewing an alternative reality in which chimpanzees can type.
And, finally: "I am a brick," Wylie said, "and you are a brick." Truer words have never been spoken.
by BrickHorn on Jan 25, 2011 11:05 AM CST reply actions
Looks like anyone of us, sans perhaps Bullet Tooth Tony, is more deserving of Bill’s job than he is. The only way this makes sense is if Bill pays The University.
by texasengr on Jan 25, 2011 11:22 AM CST reply actions
"I am a brick," Wylie said, "and you are a brick."
I know it’s piling on, but isn’t it nice to have a S&C coach who is a brick.
by roach on Jan 25, 2011 11:24 AM CST reply actions
But he also realizes that history is a collage of both the past, the present and future.
This is a double typo (although it appears to be a quote from Harry Ransom), and should read:
But he also realizes that his school is a College of both the past, the present and future.
by Tex Long on Jan 25, 2011 11:39 AM CST reply actions
I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick. I am a brick.
by Brick on Jan 25, 2011 11:54 AM CST reply actions
I liked how he wove a coaching cliche, the “sudden change”, into the tapestry he was weaving.
Oddly, I would have thought that the abrubt departure of Will Muschamp would have qualified over the departure of Akina, since it was clear that Akina gave Coach Brown some advance notice.
But maybe trying to apply any basic logic to this whole abstraction is like rearranging deck chairs. Or something.
by RemondLonghorn on Jan 25, 2011 12:37 PM CST reply actions
Apparently Bill Little’s pastor lady is a plagiarist.
by MilkmanDan on Jan 25, 2011 1:01 PM CST reply actions
The gibberish generator is nice and all, but you need to add the feel good sentiment of a Disney movie or a Coke commercial and I think you’ll have it nailed.
Prolly, but that was an unedited version of a “Corporate Gibberish” gnerator, with no priming other than the “corporate” name of the school… no doubt there is a version with other parameters (such as Disney, etc), which, if found, could save the Athletic Department a few hundred grand a year (assuming Little is paid more than Cleve) and few, if any, would be the wiser.
by Tex Long on Jan 25, 2011 1:08 PM CST reply actions
FKT, FTW. I still maintain that Bill changes into a sweater and blue deck shoes before he sits down to his Smith-Corona.
by ACE on Jan 25, 2011 2:01 PM CST reply actions
I can see why you might have missed it, but there were a couple other gems worth mentioning:
many of the conversations with perspective candidates happened first with them
Who’s editing these things? What is a perspective candidate? Someone who has a point of view?
He is 34 years old, and was ready to stretch the envelope for him and his family.
That’s a nice euphemism for “gettin’ paid.” It stirs up images of A&M position coaches switching from letter size to manila envelopes to hand out enough cash to perspective prospective recruits.
by czarcw on Jan 25, 2011 2:08 PM CST reply actions
Oh, were it so that I had the pen and wit of a Bill Little….
by Edward George Bulwer-Lytton on Jan 25, 2011 2:55 PM CST reply actions
“As coaches resigned and chose to retire”
by Blatant Homerism on Jan 25, 2011 4:08 PM CST reply actions
Bill Little has permanently restructured your mind
Thanks this for, Ken Fake.
by parlin on Jan 25, 2011 5:25 PM CST reply actions
Thanks FKT. Ive been looking forward to this.
My only hope is Bullet is trying to be humorous with over-heated indignation.
by hot ham water on Jan 25, 2011 5:41 PM CST reply actions
So are we to take that Mack was not able to open the deck chair or that he was to busy sitting in the deck chair with a tall glass of tea and dark rose colored sunglasses looking backwards oblivious to all going on. Imagery seems about right if nothing else.
by old and tired on Jan 25, 2011 6:18 PM CST reply actions
I am so sick of Little and his constant attempts at homespun poetic spinning of Belmont propoganda. He is to me the posterchild of all the distasteful aspects of Belmont with regard to spin and hiding the truth.
I found his article neither amusing or entertaining due to comments like this.
“And he didn’t base it on one year—the evaluation included undetected trends that had slowly led to the erosion of the excellence.”
UNDETECTED TRENDS? Are you f***ing me? There have been plenty of people like myself that saw GDGD was a boat anchor to this program and should have been gone years ago. Plenty of people of who openly said so. Don’t try to bullshit me with the claim it was undetected. Ignored by Mack might be a better word because he let his BFF status blind him, but that doesn’t excuse it or make it undetected.
Basically Little’s article could have been more accurately and succinctly stated with the single following statement.
“Mack Brown f***ed up the chance at an elite program of multiple championships by blind loyalty and stubborn refusal to admit to the problems under his nose. Realizing his butt (and his legacy) was on the line he finally got his ass in gear and made the changes he should have made years ago with some outstanding replacements. Time will tell as to whether the changes were in time, whether the massive changes now required will gel, and whether Mack will find a way to screw this up as well.”
by Nunna Yo Bizness on Jan 25, 2011 6:41 PM CST reply actions
Best of your work FKT.
Bullet Tooth Tony provides more fodder:
“Bill breaks it down the hiring process there in a way that Ketch and all of the other dufus pay site wanna-be insiders wish they could.”
by Art Vandelay on Jan 25, 2011 8:40 PM CST reply actions
“history is a collage of both the past, the present and future.’
Oh shit! I just can’t stop laughing at the tremendous failure in that statement.
Every time Orangebloods discuss Bill Little’s “talent,” I feel as if the worth of my degree lessens.
by steg on Jan 25, 2011 9:43 PM CST reply actions
I have to admit. I quit reading Little’s piece after he started with the “arranging the deck chairs” disaster. I’d just wait for FKT to break it down and save myself the mental discombobulation. Fantastic work, Mr. Tremendous.
by ultralight on Jan 25, 2011 10:12 PM CST reply actions
So, what is the difference between sexual "Dora the Explorer" fan fiction and disturbingly sexual "Dora the Explorer" fan fiction?
by ut_bkc on Jan 25, 2011 10:17 PM CST reply actions
Some people place their chairs facing the rear of the ship so they can see where they’ve been. Other people face their chairs forward—they want to see where they are going. On the cruise ship of life, which way is your deck chair facing?" she asks.
“Sideways”, Greg replied.
by triplehorn on Jan 26, 2011 12:08 AM CST reply actions
I once was walking out of Eddie V’s back in the day(10 years ago). My friends and I saw GDGD strolling up to the valet after dinner. We all were joking around and starting egging each other on. One of us finally said, “hey Coach Davis, do you want to join us at the Yellow Rose for some Amber and Cherry colored Destiny?”
He relied, “I’ll pass”
by UT wildcatter on Jan 26, 2011 1:56 AM CST reply actions
Did you say “Shockingly, we all saw that coming.”
by nordberg on Jan 26, 2011 8:05 AM CST reply actions
My chair blew off the deck, sideways, and I’ve been drifting, aimlessly, in a sea of disorientation. Thank you, Fake Ken!
by Blueshorn on Jan 26, 2011 9:33 AM CST reply actions
I don’t understand how history can be a collage that includes the future.
I do understand how Madden made a paper mâché offensive line that Von ripped through like a 5 year old on Christmas morning.
Alas I never took art or creative writing in “collage”.
by Aggie Lurking on Jan 26, 2011 9:52 AM CST reply actions
I can’t believe it took so long for someone to hit the “sideways” jab on the deck chair.
by Gate_of_Horn on Jan 26, 2011 2:32 PM CST reply actions
Everyone in the law library is glaring angry at me.
Unfortunately for them, I read this on my iphone, while waiting for printouts from westlaw. Perhaps just as unfortunately, I was taking a sip of coffee, and spit it out all over everyone’s printouts when I read the bit about Dora the Explorer fan fiction.
by redfoot on Jan 26, 2011 3:21 PM CST reply actions
In the years since Madden had joined Brown at North Carolina and followed him to Texas, other schools had named a football strength and conditioning coach, just as Texas already had, for instance, in basketball with the talented Todd Wright.
A day later, and that sentence still haunts me. For the life of me, I can’t figure out what the fuck it means. Other schools named a football S&C coach, just like Texas did… in basketball? Uh, what? That makes no sense. And it follows directly on the heels of a completely irrelevant, informationless factoid (i.e. that other schools have hired S&C coaches since Texas hired Mad Dog), buried in an awkward sentence including two extraneous uses of the word “had.”
My brain hurts from pondering that crap. But I can’t bring myself to look away.
by BrickHorn on Jan 26, 2011 3:56 PM CST reply actions
MilkmanDan said: January 25th, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Apparently Bill Little’s pastor lady is a plagiarist.
Hey Milkman, art is theft.
I stole that
by hot ham water on Jan 26, 2011 5:52 PM CST reply actions
anyone know how much bill gets paid per yr? too much, but seriously. is it public record?
by Tony Montana on Jan 26, 2011 11:33 PM CST reply actions
redfoot,
Tell the people in the law library to piss off. For starters, Westlaw gives those printouts away. Just tell the uptight a-holes to go up to “Research Trail”, click your case/article, and reprint. At no charge. Or deal with coffee-splattered case law and headnotes. The real crime would not to give Fake Ken Tremendous’ work the belly laugh it deserves.
by NateHeupel on Jan 28, 2011 12:22 AM CST reply actions
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