Believe it or not, we receive a lot of mail here at Barking Carnival headquarters (BCHQ). So much, in fact, that we maintain a growing staff of unpaid interns - you'd recognize them by their khaki pants, shaved eyebrows, iron-clad 7,777,777-year Cosmic Labor Contracts (CLCs), and ceremonial castrations - solely dedicated to sorting through the BC mailbag.
Of course, there were some glitches in the process initially. When I first assigned the task to one of our lucky interns (Initiate 47, as I recall), he misunderstood my instructions and ended up spending two 14-hour days meticulously sorting the contents of Vasherized's designer European shoulder-tote. Needless to say, Vash quickly issued an Official Bulletin of Oppressive Behavior (OB2) documenting the intern-puke's purposeful disobedience, and circulated copies to BCHQ, the Office of Compliance Electronics (OCE), SailOrg Central Command Unit (SOCC-U), and closetojumping (CTJ). Through a several-months-long series of Compliance Measures (CMs) and forced dehydration (FD), Initiate 47 was finally brought back into a Cooperative State (CS) and the BCHQ was cleared of any lingering Oppressive Impetus (OI).
Now the mailbag review process hums along as smoothly as a Swiss timepiece. First, the interns sort the mail by envelope color. Next, the second shift of interns unsorts the color-sorted mail and re-sorts by zip code of origin. Then, both shifts spend the next several days removing the letters from their envelopes and meticulously collecting saliva residue samples from the glue strips. Finally, the letters are sorted by ink color, re-sorted by date, and then re-sorted again into piles for hand-print, longhand, and the various typed or machine-printed fonts. Once that is done, I can begin my review and the interns are allowed a modest meal and a 3-hour Unconscious Rest Session (URS).
The highlights from last month's mailbag review are reproduced below. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as the interns enjoyed sorting them. Also, it is my pleasure to dedicate this column to the lasting memory of Initiate 47, who, after dutifully enduring his prescribed CMs, passed on to the Next Level of Existence (NLE) with a Relatively Clear Mental State ("RelClear").
You seem like intelligent fellows. I'm hoping one of you can resolve a debate my wife and I had last night. Occasionally, our phone will ring but, when I pick up the receiver to answer, all I hear is a series of high-pitched beeps and screeches. My wife claims that these calls are misdialed transmissions from a fax machine. I say that she is an overweight, frigid hag of a woman. Which one of us is right?
Ed "Eddie" Ploss
Are you guys going to post any more video features soon? If you're taking requests, I like pretty much the usual stuff. You know, recruit highlight videos, shower scenes, wool sweater erotica, elbow frottage, and that stuff where that guy shaves Santa Claus's pubes and then does a smoke-enema with them while a midget slaps him in the face and yells insults at him in Dutch.
Thanks in advance!
To whom it may concern:
I recently stumbled on an anti-Barking Carnival blog. Even I, a private citizen with no ties to BCHQ or SailOrg, can plainly see that the blog was filled with lies and hateful slander. Its authors clearly have an illegitimate axe to grind against BC and its benevolent and awe-inspiring humanitarian mission. Their claims are absurd and exaggerated. BC would never make those desperate, despicable liars do weeks of hard labor in extreme conditions, drink generic red soda until they vomit, or give forced, video-taped confessions of moral impropriety while their groin-reflexes are closely monitored by a painful array of electrode sensors. Those things never happened or, even if investigations later prove that they did happen, they were certainly reasonable and necessary measures that all parties voluntarily agreed to undertake for the sake of their Eternal Mindspirits (EMs).
These blog-writing anti-BC Oppressives are misguided traitors. At least that's what I, as an objective outside observer with no dog in this fight, choose to believe based on the facts and BC's unquestioned history of working tirelessly to achieve Global Tranquility (GT) and Worldwide Non-Oppressive Homeostasis (WNOH).
Objective Third-Party Observer
Dear Mr. Ripley,
I have been greatly offended by every one of the articles published on your blog since 2008. Please edit all of them to remove any anti-Algonquin slander (whether express or implied) at once, or prepare to feel the full might of me, Pete Federico, master of the ancient art of Petejitsu!
Pete Federico, Twenty-Ninth Degree Teal Belt
Football season's over. What are you going to write about now? Some bullshit crap about booze and pathetic attempts at humor? Well, good luck with that. I'm sober and don't find any of you funny. It's time to redirect my attention to my other hobbies. Specifically, I'm going to reacquaint myself with my homemade donkey-show VHS collection and go back to skulking through my neighborhood at night, stabbing dogs and pooping in kids' sandboxes.
Bob Stoops, Head Coach of the University of Oklahoma Football Team