2011 Masters Preview: Hard. Hitting. Action.
by Vasherized on Apr 7, 2011 10:20 AM CDT
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PrintThe sport of golf is sort of like our office Chia Pet.
It goes for months at a time without water, gets thrown in the trash, is set on fire during BC happy hour functions, and continues to amaze with its unwillingness to simply die and go away.
We call him Chia Brett. You'd have to work here to get it.
Golf provides worthy off season fodder for the pleated set while offering derisive entertainment for those who stubbornly refuse to wield the big stick and go low. The truth is they can't afford the membership fees, playing Pebble Beach is on their secret Bucket List that nobody will ever see, and anybody who calls that roster of unfulfilled dreams a Bucket List should be beaten over the head with a 5 iron. Truths, all of them.
Recently watered and sporting full April plumage, Chia Brett is ready to hump Jim Nantz into submission. So let's just pick the damn Masters winner, shall we? (Yes I know the tournament has already started. Trips Right will also have his Butler/UConn preview up any day now ... 5-7 changed everything.)
Your winner is Phil Mickelson.
Green Jacket spotted in the drive thru at Krispy Kreme...that's confidence, folks.
Perhaps the nicest guy on the course and the biggest Golf Prick off of it, Lefty finishes in the top five almost every year at Augusta, winning when he feels like it, despite purposely hitting the ball in the trees off the tee as an added challenge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gh1ZVLuZdvE
In golf parlance, that's called a Golf Shot.
I think it's a given that Phil could win every tournament by 10 strokes if he wanted to. So what's holding Phil back? We all know about the deal between he and Mack back in 2005 to go win a national title and a Masters. What you don't know it that 5-7 was also a carefully hatched plan over fine cigars and tequila as an excuse for Mack to fire Greg Davis. It's the only logical explanation. And if Phil chooses not to make the cut this year and a Euro walks away in a Green Jacket, now you know why.
They made another deal.
So who else has a shot?
Dustin Johnson
Probably better than you.
Dustin pulled a Sergio at last year's PGA Championship at Whistling Straits, chunking a two shot lead on 18 for grounding his club in sand that he assumed wasn't a bunker that was actually a bunker. One shot penalty. Golf is complex like that. Some sandy areas are bunkers, others are not and this course was like Iwojima in the middle of Wisconsin, pocked by 2,000 fucking sand traps. The same golfing gods that torture srr50 ultimately disfavored young Dustin Johnson as well, gifting the Open trophy to the most boring golfer since Bob Tway, Martin Kaymer.
Strengths: He still hits the piss out of the ball (there are detectable traces), plays fast and fearless but with an eery calm. Elite athlete with standing broad jump and 3-cone drill times that would place him in the 80th percentile of the NFL. Nothing seems to phase him, not even losing the US Open to a rule technicality.
Intangibles: Great sideburns, definitely smokes pot, wears white pants better than Scipio.
Weaknesses: Knowledge of PGA rules. Misses tee times. Takes too many risks. Wears white pants.
Tiger
The strongest part of Tiger's game during his ten year reign was his mental approach to the game. But his brain is still scrambled by strange, swing coaches, cursed putters, and the fact he hasn't won any tournament in more than two years. The swing is coming around but I don't see Tiger getting over the hump. Literally, and spiritually. Dude just loves sex!
The Euros: Lee Westwood, Rory Mcilroy, Ross Fisher, Graeme McDowell, Martin Kaymer, Padraig Harrington, Luke Donald, Justin Rose
Some of those guys are in this picture. They all look alike to me.
Half of Europe has qualified for this year's Masters and unfortunately they're all playing well. This particular fleet brings a nice collection of pastel clothing, bad accents, worse teeth, general disdain for the US from Ryder Cup play, and clutchy play on Sundays when it counts. Except Justin Rose. He sucks. McDowell picked up his first major in last year's US Open at Pebble Beach, then closed the deal for the Euros in the Ryder Cup. Not a bad year for the Irishman and he'll be paired with Tiger and Aussie Robert Allenby in the first two rounds.
McDowell's fellow countrybloke Rory Mcilroy is the Shane McGowan of the tour, sipping whiskey out of a fake putter at the turn before sinking 80 foot putts on the back nine. He can string together 6 birdies in a row like I can double bogies when my game is really on.
Westwood and Harrington are always in the mix in these things. Westwood is one of the few likable Euros and looks like he was born in a rugby scrum. Doesn't fag out like Sergio with money on the line. I always vocally root for Harrington to win any tournament just to see if anyone can decode his greenside interview from 18. Ehhhhhhh ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwl2tEB9uy8
Back to the German, Martin Kaymer. Produced in a lab somewhere in rural Bavaria, Kaymer is mechanically perfect, emotionally void, and also happens to be the top ranked player in the world. Huh? That's what winning a PGA Championship and finishing fourth in every other tournament will get you.
Luke Donald is playing better than anybody right now but has never put it all together for a Major. Could it finally be his year?! I suppose. John Daly could also drop his pants on 18 and I wouldn't be surprised. Especially since he wasn't even invited.
Also keep any eye on those other Euros, those toothy South Africans: Ernie Els, Retief Goosen, and my dark horse SA-Euro, Charl Schwarzel. His family was too poor to name him Charles and he grew up bailing hay until he said fuck this I'm vagabonding around the world and playing golf. Well done, lad. He's been cleaning up on the Euro tour this year.
Some Golf Prick in my office said to keep an eye out for Martin Laird. Sounds regal but I had no clue who he was because I don't sit around watching the Golf Channel at night. I told Golf Prick to keep an eye out for a Titleist to your thorax.
Young Guns
Final leaderboards in 2011 have been littered with some young names you may not be familiar with such as Rickie Fowler, Matt Kuchar, Nick Watney, and Gary Woodland -- they all have a shot on Sunday. Or they might all miss the cut.
But if you see one of these guys in the top 5 on Sunday, tell your buddies you read all about it on Barking Carnival, your worldwide leader in Golf Prick coverage, brought to you once a year simply because spring football practice and March Madness have sadly ended and there is little else to talk about.
Golf is all about routine, so shine up those concho belts, double iron those triple-pleated chinos, practice your golf swing in the elevator and say it with Jim Nantz ... "The (pause) Massssterrrrrzzzz."
Official Golfer of Barking Carnival
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Jim Nantz … an asshole unlike any other.
by Willie Waylon McClyde on Apr 7, 2011 10:49 AM CDT reply actions
CBS really needs to add Gus Johnson to their Masters team.
by nordberg on Apr 7, 2011 10:53 AM CDT reply actions
They need to bring Feherty back to the Masters coverage. Bikini waxed greens et al.
by KilgoreTrout on Apr 7, 2011 11:00 AM CDT reply actions
Good call nordberg. I’d watch him call a cricket match. Or curling.
by Vasherized on Apr 7, 2011 11:04 AM CDT reply actions
A video of Masters winning putts with Gus Johnson audio would be awesome.
“For the WIIIIIIIN….GOT IT!!!”
by Huckleberry on Apr 7, 2011 11:09 AM CDT reply actions
Nice article.
I shot a 76 last weekend in scenic Mont Belvieu, TX. Yeah, I’m that good. Sadly, I wasn’t on the invite list.
I’ve got the following in my Master’s Pool:
Phil
Tiger
Mahan
Watney
Donald
To the bank!
by uthookem on Apr 7, 2011 11:21 AM CDT reply actions
Golf Pricks are beginning to branch into their own cliques. The Old Guards and The Hipsters.
by dedfischer on Apr 7, 2011 11:31 AM CDT reply actions
ded,
I saw a Golf Prick in skinny jeans on a Vespa pulling into Lost Creek last week. I wasn’t fooled by that act. GP all the way.
Goosen is -5 through 10. He’ll finish the tournament +6.
Mcilroy, Kuchar at -4 and Ross Fisher at -3
Recognize any of those names??
by Vasherized on Apr 7, 2011 11:37 AM CDT reply actions
That wasn’t Feherty. That was Gary McCord. Body bags.
by Juan Beniquez on Apr 7, 2011 11:51 AM CDT reply actions
CBS really needs to add Gus Johnson to their Masters team.
Only on a limited basis. I don’t need to hear Gus get all excited when Sergio finishes his 3rd round 77 with a par on 18.
by Triston27 on Apr 7, 2011 12:12 PM CDT reply actions
Schwarzel in 2nd place at -4. Just give him the jacket now.
by Vasherized on Apr 7, 2011 12:21 PM CDT reply actions
You knew it was bad Monday night when Nance started talking about the high-flying action of the Masters as an antidote to the “basketball” “game”.
by CrazyJoeDavola on Apr 7, 2011 12:22 PM CDT reply actions
Oh, and KT:
“They need to bring Feherty back to the Masters coverage. Bikini waxed greens et al.”
I believe that was Gary McCord
by CrazyJoeDavola on Apr 7, 2011 12:24 PM CDT reply actions
Kaymer 2 strokes ahead of Ben Crenshaw for dead last.
by dedfischer on Apr 7, 2011 1:04 PM CDT reply actions
“But his brain is still scrambled by strange, swing coaches”
I see what you did there.
by bullzak on Apr 7, 2011 2:55 PM CDT reply actions
I didn’t need to like golf to enjoy this piece. Thanks. Good stuff.
by Scipio Tex on Apr 7, 2011 3:37 PM CDT reply actions
Bullzak, I had to read that sentence three times before I realized it wasn’t a typo.
by HoyaHorn on Apr 7, 2011 3:56 PM CDT reply actions
The Yanger going low. Tied at -7 with Rory.
Rorrrrry.
Kuchar and Barnes are the only patriotic golfers that actually give a shit about fending off the foreign invaders. Brandt Snedeker is clearly a Euro spy.
by Vasherized on Apr 7, 2011 4:20 PM CDT reply actions
Henrik Stenson’s scorecard should look familiar to srr50.
Anybody that ever shot an 8 on a par 3 feels his pain.
by Vasherized on Apr 7, 2011 4:22 PM CDT reply actions
Odd you mention Stenson as an analog for srr50. Replace the undies for a diaper and their garb is quite similar.
http://www.aolnews.com/2009/03/13/henrik-stenson-strips-to-his-underwear-for-the-love-of-the-gam/
by magnusbleuveigner on Apr 7, 2011 4:47 PM CDT reply actions
I’ve got Azalea bushes and fake bird sounds piped into my office this week.
by Art Vandelay on Apr 7, 2011 4:54 PM CDT reply actions
I think it’s a given that Phil could win every tournament by 10 strokes if he wanted to. So what’s holding Phil back?
His mind-numbing insistence on wearing those awful shrink-to-fit golf shirt.
Every golf prick worth his weight in pro V1’s knows you have to have a golf shirt that BREATHES with you.
Henrik Stenson’s scorecard should look familiar to srr50.
Anybody that ever shot an 8 on a par 3 feels his pain.
You should talk considering who your golf instructor is.
magnus:
Boxers IMO
by srr50 on Apr 7, 2011 5:13 PM CDT reply actions
Jhonattan Vegas doubled 12 then just went birdie, birdie, eagle to get to red numbers (that’s under par for you golf dilettantes)
by srr50 on Apr 7, 2011 5:34 PM CDT reply actions
Bollux on the Feherty / McCord mix up. It sounds like something Feherty would say however.
by KilgoreTrout on Apr 7, 2011 11:48 PM CDT reply actions
John M. Tutt Middle School, an 18-hole, par-72 layout, was designed by Bobby Jones in 1959 and has more than 490 students enrolled in sixth through eighth grades. Thus far, participating golfers have said the course is playing fair, but that they’ve had difficulty adjusting to the low ceilings and walls.
by Vasherized on Apr 8, 2011 8:36 AM CDT reply actions
Great piece. You played it for laughs and still produced a good primer for the event.
I have an intensely ambivalent response to this tournament. The Masters is a combination of spectacular course (great property in the bloom of spring, brilliant course design, unlimited maintenance budget creating flawless course conditions) and the world’s best players that is hard not to watch.
However, Augusta National is a monument to the golf prick. Its arrogant, entitled, misogynistic members call themselves names like Hootie with straight faces, wrap their fat butts in those awful jackets and require that said butts be kissed by everyone in sight 24/7. What year is it?
Nowhere is this more nauseatingly obvious than in the requirements of CBS for the priviledge of broadcasting the tournament. The reverent tones, quasi-New Age elevator music and references to those in attendance as “patrons” are all enforced by threat of banishment. Gary McCord, who actually makes televised golf entertaining by poking a badly needed pin in golf’s self-important balloon, has been permanently banned for failing to be properly worshipful in his commentary. This action reveals these jerks for what they are beneath their false veneer of old-world culture: spoiled bullies.
by hopefulhorn on Apr 8, 2011 8:42 AM CDT reply actions
Nowhere is this more nauseatingly obvious than in the requirements of CBS for the priviledge of broadcasting the tournament. The reverent tones, quasi-New Age elevator music and references to those in attendance as "patrons" are all enforced by threat of banishment. Gary McCord, who actually makes televised golf entertaining by poking a badly needed pin in golf’s self-important balloon, has been permanently banned for failing to be properly worshipful in his commentary. This action reveals these jerks for what they are beneath their false veneer of old-world culture: spoiled bullies.
and your point is???
by srr50 on Apr 8, 2011 10:38 AM CDT reply actions
Ha speaking of the golf prick. The greeter at Home Depot today was wearing his golf glove and holding his DRIVER.
by roach on Apr 8, 2011 2:50 PM CDT reply actions
Looks like Tiger made it all the way through the cart girls yesterday.
by dedfischer on Apr 8, 2011 6:11 PM CDT reply actions
That’s awesome, roach. Corporate decision no doubt.
GP’s should be out in full force with Tiger back on the mix.
“Suck on Deeeeeez Nutz, Rorrrrry!”
by Vasherized on Apr 9, 2011 9:14 AM CDT reply actions
srr50,
I have had some personal experience with assholes like those at Augusta. Their narcissism is destructive to those around them. It pisses me off to see that sort of behavior not only tolerated but celebrated in a very public way. None of what I said was news—just a personal rant. Sorry if it belabored the obvious.
by hopefulhorn on Apr 9, 2011 10:13 AM CDT reply actions
Tiger is channeling his inner fucking Achilles. That golf course is his, and he is taking it. The only hope for the others now is to distract him with a fat cafe waitress on the 18th.
by ut-06 on Apr 10, 2011 2:49 PM CDT reply actions
What is it about McIlroy that makes me hate him so much every time they show his face. Is he related to Bob stoops some how?
by ut-06 on Apr 10, 2011 3:10 PM CDT reply actions
Golf Prick National pisses me off enough to break my funny bone. But, I can’t not watch it. The back nine is built for theater with two reachable par 5’s and trouble everywhere. Today’s finish was spectacular. Ded is right—great call on Schwarzel.
by hopefulhorn on Apr 10, 2011 7:00 PM CDT reply actions
That was tremendous theatre — from dramatic comebacks to classic melt downs — it was a perfect template of what golf does to any player, no matter what skill level.
by srr50 on Apr 10, 2011 8:58 PM CDT reply actions
Vasherized said: April 7th, 2011 at 10:21 am
Schwarzel in 2nd place at -4. Just give him the jacket now.
Golf is so predictable.
Crazy finish with 8 dudes in the mix down the stretch and none of them golf pricks.
by Vasherized on Apr 10, 2011 11:10 PM CDT reply actions
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