2011 Oklahoma Football Preview: Sooner State of The Union
Oklahoma is the unanimous preseason #1 because pollsters overrate favorable schedules, forget that OU scraped together half of their 2010 wins with more difficulty than their child support lien, and fail to recognize that winning a BCS game is a necessary component of a national title.
Oklahoma went 12-2 in 2010, but six of those wins were by eight points or less and their bowl matchup was a farce.
Sooner Fan, before you retort in authentic flatlands gibberish, I need you to possess enough good taste to not brag about your BCS blowout of UConn. That's like slump busting in a morgue. Then boasting about it at work instead of finding the paint swatches I ordered.
Most Sooners work at Sherwin-Williams. No one disputes this.
Offense

Oklaaaahoma! Where the quarterrrrbacks are plain!
That's Landry Jones. Makes you miss the cross-eyed Algonquin a little bit. Sam was good people.
Landry looks like every Oklahoman I've ever seen at the State Fair eating fried Coca-Cola syrup as their cousin-wives test the hydraulic supports on The Zipper with rhino toe bursting from their pajama jeans; every wormy redneck-wigger hybrid Sooner fan who drives a 1998 Nissan mini-truck and walks into convenience stores shirtless mumbling,"This nigga right here need Funyuns."
Boomer Sooner then stands in line leering at junior high girls, contemplating a court mandated paternity test, conspicuously checking his pager, popping and locking to music only he hears. When the cashier refuses to accept the insufficient offering of lint, pennies, shell casings, and county jail chits rescued from the secretion-rich depths of his crack-baring (and crack-bearing) jorts for a Mickey's Big Mouth and a Oui magazine, Captain Crimson storms out, lays rubber, clips a curb, overcorrects, and rolls his ride as his exhaust pipe sets a destructive grass fire in the median.
Jones wants to be a preacher and the media bleats this fact admiringly as if we need an apocalyptic chiseler setting up player slush funds from the offering plate, healing dia-beetus with the laying on of hands, and doubting the fossil record. Hey media, let's save the accolades for the Mechanical Engineering majors, shall we?
Landry threw for 38 TDs last year because he has a receiving corps that is three deep in pimps and plays in an offensive system in which even catfish noodlers can put up Playstation numbers.
Jason White thinks I have a really good point.
I said taupe, Jason. Taupe. This is mouse-grey. Remix the swatch...

Yes, that's Ryan Broyles
I mentioned the Sooner receiving corps and they are spectacular. Senior All-American Ryan Broyles treats cornerbacks like rule of law on the way to putting up criminal numbers (131 catches, 1622 yards, 14 tds) and he will leave Norman as the greatest receiver in Sooner history. Sophomore Kenny Stills (61-786-5) is a speedy complement to Broyles. Dejuan Miller will play the role of big body (6-4, 217) chain mover. In fact, six of their top eight receivers return and any Sooner will tell you that's nearly half of last year's personnel. They're going to be loaded, even if freshman stud Trey Metoyer can't stack Legos well enough to pass his finals.
The Sooner TEs feature (James) Hanna And Her Sisters and his 76 yard TD gallop against Oklahoma State last year renewed my personal delusion that a 5.0 40 is all you need to score in a college football game. He scored 7 TDs last year and will be a goal line play action staple. Trent Ratterree is a former walk-on and solid blocker who can move the sticks. Pepperoni sticks.
Boom! Roasted.
The Sooner passing game will give it to our secondary dry with a burlap sack lubricated in kidney stones if we don't hit Landry Jones hard... with blitzers, Scopes Monkey Trial transcripts, and delousing powder.
OU's running game was ineffective last year and the Sooners grew increasingly one dimensional as the year progressed, averaging 3.3 yards per carry. They'll try to turn the tide with four returning OL starters and a promising running back stable that features talented scat back Roy Finch (5-7, 170), touted California sophomore Brennan Clay, the redshirted Jonathan Miller, elite freshman Brandon Williams, and former Texas prep star Jermie "Don't Spell It Jeremy!" Calhoun.
Fullback Trey Millard is a very good blocker and may see more of the ball in 2011.
When I write that Roy Finch is a 'scat' back, that is not in reference to his size. I mean that he favors glass coffee tables...
Holds eye contact with reader.
...squints...
Nods meaningfully.
Defense
Injuries have made OU's front 7 into half a fag. If we upset the Sooners, it will be because we control this group's movements like a probation officer's decree.
The Sooner DTs will feature soft erotica author Jamarkus McFiction and the duo of Stacy (McGee) and Casey (Walker). Is anyone truly frightened by Cagney And Lacey or Ja'Literate? No? Good. Let's move on...
Oklahoma plays the semi-ineligible and always unintelligible Ronnell Lewis as a hybrid pass-rushing DE a la Sergio Kindle. He is a big-time talent. I'm not saying Lewis is dumb, but the number one search term on his iPad is Google. This is OU. He'll be eligible come game time.
In addition to Ronnell Einstein, they'll employ more traditional personnel in Frank Alexander, David King, and former super recruit RJ Washington. Alexander has 12 career sacks and has been around forever. He'll produce. David King is a big DE (6-5, 275) who can, and has, played DT in a pinch, but it's unclear what he offers at full-time DE. RJ Washington is said to offer ability as a pure rusher but may be deficient in the running game.
The Sooner linebacking corps features Englishman Tom Wort, a name befitting a chimney sweep in a Dickens novel. Wort is a high energy Freemason from Bleak-Industrial-Town-On-Avon by way of New Braunfels. On game days, he wears a chin strap attached to a bowler hat and distributes sixpence to orphans after tipping them into canals with his sword cane. He has been known to refer to his naughty bits as the Vicar of Slapout and claims to have served with Chinese Gordon in Khartoum.

Wort lays about with cane; Vicar of Slapout also prominent
All-American Travis Lewis is out for eight weeks with an injury and that means we'll see him back in four after Sooner S&C Coach Jerry Schmidt forces him to wear a tube top made of maxi-pads and sing I'm Every Woman at the start of team meetings.
Being forced to drink your own urine is so 2003. You may question the methods, but the Sooners always get results.
The injury created an opportunity for former Skyline LB Corey Nelson. Nelson is undersized, extremely fast, and, if you recall his recruitment, he strings along Aggies like a sheep with a curfew.
OU spends a lot of time in base nickel because their base penny kept getting melted down and sold for its copper content.
Tony Jefferson (5-10, 200) was the 2010 Big 12 Defensive Freshman of The Year. He can play the run, is an effective blitzer, and is an instinctive coverage guy. He's damn good. SS Javon Harris (5'10 205) took over for an injured Jonathan Nelson last year and earned this year's starting gig. Aaron Colvin is an unproven former corner who will play a coverage safety role suitable to his slight frame and former starter Sam Proctor provides depth and experience.
OU has quality experience at cornerback in Jamell Fleming and they tout promising sophomore Gabe Lynn. Lynn has ideal cornerback size (6-0, 195) and a double chick name. DeMontre Hurst (5-10, 180) started last year at CB and converted slot receiver Joe Powell adds depth.
Conclusion
Oh sure, they'll win the league again, but need I remind you that our revenue championship banner will wave proudly? And don't even get me started on apparel sales.
Many Longhorns are weakly predicting a loss to Oklahoma this year because last year's 5-7 record was an estrogen enema, but let this video of my pre-game promise scour away your disgusting weakness.
**
And to my Longhorn Network, the station that will mount the world...
I will also pledge a gift.
I will give it the Golden Hat that a Sooner's mother-sister had its Wave Runner repossessed upon.
I will give it the Seven Corn Dogs of Red River victory.
I, Scipio, will do this.
I will take my tailgate North to the Cotton Bowl and ride wooden ferris wheels on oceans of bourbon.
With blood alcohol levels no Longhorn has attained before.
I will punch a Sooner wearing ironed overalls on Commerce Street and tear down his manufactured home.
I will not touch their women for fear of hepatitis, but I will use their children like Indonesian labor and bring their broken Stoops bobble heads back to Aus-Dothrak.
This, I vow.
I, Scipio, son of Bevo.
I swear this before Mount Bonnell...
As the stars at night, big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas, look down in witness.
As the stars look down in witness.
Hook 'em.
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Comments
First!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
More relevantly, here is Oklahoma’s 2010 adjusted stats page. Some ugly offensive numbers and mediocre defensive numbers there. Shows how easy the Big 12 is to win when Texas sucks. 104th in the nation in adjusted total rushing per carry. They protected the ball and threw it decently (21st in adjusted passing yards per attempt).
by Huckleberry on Aug 23, 2011 8:11 AM CDT reply actions
“he strings along Aggies like a sheep with a curfew.”
Solid.
by Newy25 on Aug 23, 2011 8:16 AM CDT reply actions
“The Vicar of Slapout.”
Good thing you didn’t make Doctor Who references instead. Aggies would spend their time looking for the TARDIS, so they can ride to their future as “Mississippi State 2.”
by Vulcan on Aug 23, 2011 8:26 AM CDT reply actions
Ha. Ha. Ha.
I’ll give you credit, you put a lot of effort into this. But the Longhorns are staring down the wrong end of another 5 game losing streak (2000-2004 all over again).
I hope your witticisms (and perhaps a deep fried snickers) will comfort you after the Cotton Bowl is painted crimson once again.
Wave your revenue banner over the ashes of a league destroyed by Bevo.
Keep Austin weird
by Benjamin on Aug 23, 2011 8:30 AM CDT reply actions
Tom Wort never expected the Spanish Inquisition.
Brilliant stuff. Bravo.
slow clapping while nodding in approval.
by Big Ern on Aug 23, 2011 8:34 AM CDT reply actions
Truly brilliant sir. Hilarious.
maybe lay off the Christian bashing a bit though please.
by Michael on Aug 23, 2011 8:36 AM CDT reply actions
Brilliant sir. And now I’m off to the corner store to get this nigga some funyons!
by t1climb1 on Aug 23, 2011 8:40 AM CDT reply actions
Funny as usual, and bonus points for referencing one of the best Goodfellas lines and the best scene from the first season of Game of Thrones.
by bigdukesix on Aug 23, 2011 8:42 AM CDT reply actions
Was he religion-bashing or was he banal broadcaster bashing? Perhaps a reread?
by CVictoryJoyously on Aug 23, 2011 8:42 AM CDT reply actions
Nothing inspires confidence in a preacher’s flock like that preacher having a tramp stramp.
by bigdukesix on Aug 23, 2011 8:49 AM CDT reply actions
Been reading for a while. Decided to register this morning because the following sentence might just be the most brilliant thing I’ve read in a month…
Landry looks like every Oklahoman I’ve ever seen at the State Fair eating fried Coca-Cola syrup as their cousin-wives test the hydraulic supports on The Zipper with rhino toe bursting from their pajama jeans; every wormy redneck-wigger hybrid Sooner fan who drives a 1998 Nissan mini-truck and walks into convenience stores shirtless mumbling,"This nigga right here need Funyuns."
by pulpwood on Aug 23, 2011 8:53 AM CDT reply actions
CVictoryJoyusly
I don’t want to belabor this point because I know Scip is just making a joke, which I can take, and it’s hilariouis but
“as if we need an apocalyptic chiseler setting up player slush funds from the offering plate, healing dia-beetus with the laying on of hands, and doubting the fossil record”
He’s saying that preachers are ignorant thieves (at least saying Landry would be)…so yeah that’s religion-bashing, no need for a reread.
by Michael on Aug 23, 2011 8:59 AM CDT reply actions
If Finch can be a feature back for them, why not Monroe for us? Also, this overrated OU team would get raped by the overrated sooner clubs of the 2001-2004 era. Venables is their GD. Hopefully it takes them as long as it took us to flush our coaching turds.
by Mad Clapper on Aug 23, 2011 8:59 AM CDT reply actions
Context is everything Mike. He’s not saying ALL preachers are ignorant thieves, just Sooner preachers. If you can’t freely laugh at any sentence involving a Wilford Brimley reference, this probably isn’t the site for you.
by CVictoryJoyously on Aug 23, 2011 9:04 AM CDT reply actions
I doubt the fossil record. Other than that, outstanding work, Scip.
by sinless1 on Aug 23, 2011 9:07 AM CDT reply actions
Nice writeup on the Fighting Meth-Labs. Am I wrong to be optimistic about their weakness in the defensive middle versus the Power O?
by spider on Aug 23, 2011 9:07 AM CDT reply actions
A conference destroyed by Bevo? Don’t be an ignorant twat.
by Puzzles on Aug 23, 2011 9:09 AM CDT reply actions
Scipio, if you could ease up on the Wilford Brimley bashing I’d appreciate it. Other than that, great work as always.
by nordbergeron on Aug 23, 2011 9:10 AM CDT reply actions
I don’t think Scipio was bashing any particular religion, just pointing out that public proclamations of doubts concerning the fossil record have a high correlation with poverty and ignorance (and, thus, with Soonerhood) and probably date to before 1947.
by spider on Aug 23, 2011 9:17 AM CDT reply actions
The scene of the Okie at the local Beer ’n Shit came across in high definition.
Spider, if our power O comes to fruition that’s exactly how I’d attack them. The gentleman Wort is a wee bit undersized he is.
by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 23, 2011 9:24 AM CDT reply actions
CVictoryJoyously
I did laugh. I have said it was funny in every single post so far. Maybe I overreacted a bit, but I always maintained that it was funny.
by Michael on Aug 23, 2011 9:28 AM CDT reply actions
Please continue to mock, lampoon or just take subtle digs at doubting the fossil record. And pass the funyuns.
This post reminds me why it’s important not to get separated from the group on the fairgrounds. As I watched a father tell his son before the game several years ago, as he pointed to a pack of ambulatory polyester, “they’re not like us.”
by Juice on Aug 23, 2011 9:30 AM CDT reply actions
Oye, so many wiseguys and smartasses, you’d think we’re on the set of a Scorcese film or something. You guys are like guido piranhas. I guess I’ll refrain from making any more comments that aren’t strictly football or lavishing the writer with praise. yeesh! My bad.
by Michael on Aug 23, 2011 9:33 AM CDT reply actions
Scipio was bashing ignorance itself, not religion. Sometimes the two correlate, but not always.
Concerning Sooner religion, however, the correlation is exact, since most Sooners put football above God in their hierarchy of faith.
Remember: Bob Stoops hates puppies, Jesus, AND fossils.
by lurkerinthedark on Aug 23, 2011 9:36 AM CDT reply actions
As this drought persists, I fear much more of the fossil record will be exposed. What will Okie do then?
by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 23, 2011 9:38 AM CDT reply actions
Wort is a high energy Freemason from Bleak-Industrial-Town-On-Avon by way of New Braunfels. On game days, he wears a chin strap attached to a bowler hat and distributes sixpence to orphans after tipping them into canals with his sword cane.
You neglected to mention his love of rap music, at least of the proper sort, viz. chap hop.
by spider on Aug 23, 2011 9:39 AM CDT reply actions
lurker
ok, good point. now I see the light. thank you.
by Michael on Aug 23, 2011 9:46 AM CDT reply actions
Huckleberry, I guess Texas has sucked most years since Mack has been here?
by Finn on Aug 23, 2011 9:47 AM CDT reply actions
Scip,
Good stuff as usual. What really makes me laugh is realizing that most of the folks mistakenly referred to here as Okies are actually West Texans. That’s okay. Someone who’s alcohol blood level is as high as yours must be around RRS time could easily mistake maroon for crimson.
Huckleberry:
“Shows how easy the Big 12 is to win when Texas sucks.”
OU has SEVEN league titles. When OU fans say that Texas sucks, it’s not like Scip’s usage here as a platitude. Based on your own assessment, it’s actually true. I’ll be quoting you frequently on this.
magnus:
UT’s chances of having the Power O operational in time for the RRS are about two standard deviations lower than OU’s chances of having solid interior line play.
by NateHeupel on Aug 23, 2011 9:49 AM CDT reply actions
I dunno. UT installing the Power O is a matter of time. OU’s interior line problems appear to be a function of personnel.
by spider on Aug 23, 2011 9:53 AM CDT reply actions
I never post just to say how great a particular article is, but I’m making an exception here.
You absolutely had me in tears with this one, at too many spots to mention.
by TKO on Aug 23, 2011 9:53 AM CDT reply actions
Finn and Nate -
Your reading comprehension sucks shit through a straw. I quite clearly stated that the Sooners’ mediocre showing last year that resulted in a Big 12 title showed how easy it is to win the Big 12 when Texas sucks.
Winning the Big 12 when Texas doesn’t suck is a more difficult task. Nowhere in my post is it even implied that if Oklahoma wins the Big 12 title then Texas sucks. That is really very terrible reading ability.
by Huckleberry on Aug 23, 2011 9:56 AM CDT reply actions
OU actually manages to win the Big 12 even when Texas doesn’t suck, at least on relative basis, by virtue of beating OU, see 2006 and 2008. That trend has to reverse at some point. Right?
by Arriviste on Aug 23, 2011 10:06 AM CDT reply actions
As an ordained elder in the Presbyterian Church, I give my blessing to Scipio’s jokes about religion.
by TaylorTRoom on Aug 23, 2011 10:07 AM CDT reply actions
I’ve been looking forward to this post since the assignments came out. Well done, dude, well done.
by Jesus Shuttlesworth on Aug 23, 2011 10:08 AM CDT reply actions
Nate: A playbook authored by Greg Davis often times yielded better rushing output than your’s. I like our chances with Harsin’s scheme, a revamped line and 700 pounds of power running back (Cody, Mal Brown, and nordbegeron) to be able to run straight up the gut.
Of course I’ve been drinking the kool-aid neat.
by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 23, 2011 10:08 AM CDT reply actions
I know you all don’t like Landry because you much prefer Garrett Gilbert, right? Say what you will about the grooming choices of Mr. Jones, he’s still on the right side of the TD-Int ratio.
Ignorant Twat? Keep drinking the Deloss Dodds kool-aid sister. Go independent Bevo. I dare you.
by Benjamin on Aug 23, 2011 10:11 AM CDT reply actions
Magnus, you do realize that to get all 700 pounds of power running back in the game at the same time, you need to run the wishbone.
(I wouldn’t put it past you, as the wishbone’s vertical dive would mark a departure from the Manifest Destiny east-to-west running schemes Greg Davis had chalked up.)
by Vulcan on Aug 23, 2011 10:12 AM CDT reply actions
Here, let me try to clarify as much as possible. I will re-phrase it so that hopefully everyone can understand.
When the Texas Longhorn football team is this tremendously awful, it makes it possible and even easy for an Oklahoma Sooner football team that is this plainly mediocre to win the Big 12.
by Huckleberry on Aug 23, 2011 10:12 AM CDT reply actions
Shows how easy the Big 12 is to win when Texas sucks.
Well, the sentence did lack a subject, but the meaning is clear, as is the point at which your landthief readers would drive their grammatical tractor into an epistemological ditch.
It all depends on what the meaning of the word “when” is, I guess. Does “when” stand as a causal conjunction, i.e., that when the unnamed Dr.Pepper-can helmets take possession of the Big 12 crown (however passively) Texas is necessarily a poor team? That kind of trisomy-21 exegesis might explain why the largely non-graduates of that phony school are gnashing their collective tooth, but they don’t seem to understand that that reading diminishes their own accomplishments. Then again, we can save time by sticking to what they do understand. Lots of time.
He can read that aloud to his non-reading readers until his lips fall off, blissfully unaware that he is losing a game of Stop Hitting Yourself.
Or is Huck’s meaning that the Big 12 is an easier win in a period, and only that period, during which Texas is exerting a negative pressure gradient? I’m sorry, that was a rhetorical question. I hate it when I do that.
by spider on Aug 23, 2011 10:13 AM CDT reply actions
Michael did his best to derail this thread with petty, misaligned grievances but I’m glad it’s back on course with a Huck vs Nate staredown in the Octagon break room.
That’s a hell of a start to SOTU season. Tom Wort, Vicar of Slapout, ftw.
by Vasherized on Aug 23, 2011 10:15 AM CDT reply actions
Vulcan, the point was that with three 220+ lb running backs rotating in and out, they would be fresh.
by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 23, 2011 10:30 AM CDT reply actions
Spectacular, or should I say scat-tacular?
I predict that this season I will burst into uncontrollable laughter when an announcer proclaims “he’s a scat back with explosive power.”
My wife and kids will then hide all the liquor and sleep with one eye open.
by Texoz on Aug 23, 2011 10:31 AM CDT reply actions
I’m feeling a bit shagged and fagged and fashed after reading this epic post , it being an article of no small expenditure.
“Landry looks like every Oklahoman I’ve ever seen at the State Fair eating fried Coca-Cola syrup as their cousin-wives test the hydraulic supports on The Zipper with rhino toe bursting from their pajama jeans; every wormy redneck-wigger hybrid Sooner fan who drives a 1998 Nissan mini-truck and walks into convenience stores shirtless mumbling,"This nigga right here need Funyuns."
Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well.
by Art Vandelay on Aug 23, 2011 10:42 AM CDT reply actions
sinless1 I doubt you doubt the fossil record. you just interpret it differently. Scipio is mocking those who really doubt it, like “God placed dinosaur bones in the dirt to trick us!” type of people. If that’s you, well…
Scipio Drogo! Love the Game of Thrones reference. Read the first book a year ago. It is slowly captivated me.
Thank you for the colorful description of Sooners. It was really entertaining and true. Landry must have converted to Okie status because I don’t think New Mexico is like that. Oh wait, I have driven through southern New Mexico many times. Spot on!
by Monahorns on Aug 23, 2011 10:42 AM CDT reply actions
Very good, then is it just coincidental that TU’s last 2 Big 12 titles came during two of Stoops’ worst teams? Yes, It’s easy to win the Big 12 when OU has heavy graduation losses (2005)from the previous year or if they lose 2 first round draft picks due to injury(2009).
I look forward to Mack winning his first title when OU is actually good.
by Finn on Aug 23, 2011 10:47 AM CDT reply actions
Veigner – it was just a setup for a joke, nothing more.
Although, what WOULD happen if Texas whipped out the ’bone for the second half of the RRS?
(That was my gift to you, a setup for another joke…)
by Vulcan on Aug 23, 2011 10:50 AM CDT reply actions
That is the funniest thng ever on the internets. I bet when Al Gore invented the intertubes, this is exactly what he was hoping for.
by BEW on Aug 23, 2011 10:50 AM CDT reply actions
TU? Are you an Oklahoma Texas Fightin’ Aggie?
Yes, our 2009 team wasn’t that great because it had a mediocre offense. A great defense though, and it was clearly a better team than 2010 Oklahoma and would have won the conference even against good Oklahoma teams.
I’m assuming your 2005 comment is merely trolling because even a Sooner realizes that the 2005 Texas team would have won any conference that season and would have won a Big 12 against any Stoops team (although I’m sure you’ll want to argue about the 2000 team).
by Huckleberry on Aug 23, 2011 10:54 AM CDT reply actions
Genius work is genius. Well done, Scip. Can’t wait for teams 2 through 12…err, 9.
FIFY: Most Sooners work at Sherwin-Williams to steal paint thinner because they can’t afford crystal meth. No one disputes this.
Pretty sure Michael is Tim Tebow and he’s just pissed that you’ve transferred the Lord’s work at the collegiate level to an unworthy pedostache.
Only way that Game of Thrones reference would be better is if Stoops had rehired Mark Mangino, aka Fat Robert Baratheon.
Ryan Broyles running roughshod over our secondary scares the shit outta me.
by jc25 on Aug 23, 2011 10:54 AM CDT reply actions
Vulan: Obviously the second half ’bone would feature FozzyBrownJohnson running right through the cervix of the Sooner V.
by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 23, 2011 10:59 AM CDT reply actions
As I read this, the voice of Bob Hope emerged in my mind from his old Collegiate All-American show. Well, at least down to the part about Ray Finch, ‘scat’, and his preference for glass coffee tables.
by triplehorn on Aug 23, 2011 11:06 AM CDT reply actions
Scipio, if you could ease up on the Cagney & Lacey bashing I’d appreciate it. Other than that, great work as always.
by Sidd Finch on Aug 23, 2011 11:07 AM CDT reply actions
I look forward to Mack winning his first title when OU is actually good.
I look forward to hearing you justify the back-it-in-titles of 2006 & 2011 after getting train-probed by Greg Davis & his band of renown. This is something to brag about?
by Arriviste on Aug 23, 2011 11:08 AM CDT reply actions
I thought this crossed the line*
“They’re going to be loaded, even if freshman stud Trey Metoyer can’t stack Legos well enough to pass his finals.”
*not really. I actually thought of the Chinese guy from “The Hangover” screaming, “It’s funny because it’s true!”
by il cattivo on Aug 23, 2011 11:08 AM CDT reply actions
Oh this is STRONG.
Outstanding, little droogie, Tom Wort, Vicar of Scat-tastic Fried Coca-Cola Syrup…
Ima go get this wigga some Funyons.
by scagnetti on Aug 23, 2011 11:08 AM CDT reply actions
“…..that most of the folks mistakenly referred to here as Okies are actually West Texans.”
I can understand the confusion with so many undocumented Okies living it west Texas. We’ve always try to help them assimilate but it hasn’t been easy considering all their limitations.
by g'69 on Aug 23, 2011 11:10 AM CDT reply actions
I think Flemming is out for the year—grades.
by Billy Parham on Aug 23, 2011 11:16 AM CDT reply actions
Seriously, can you lay off the coprophagia humor? That’s really crossing a line.
Some people believe in that stuff and could get offended.
by redfoot on Aug 23, 2011 11:34 AM CDT reply actions
How do you follow this up? OU out first was a bold choice.
by milksteak on Aug 23, 2011 11:35 AM CDT reply actions
“How do you follow this up?”
The Aggies. It writes itself.
by hg03 on Aug 23, 2011 11:40 AM CDT reply actions
I love the description of the sooner paying at the convenience store and rolling his truck as he leaves. I had the misfortune of visiting oklahoma to go bass fishing and I actually saw the guy you described at a convenience store in Duncan ( population 5). Later we went to a wal-mart to buy some lures and I thought I was in a time warp. I saw clothing that should be in a museum. I hadn’t seen clothes like that since they quit showing reruns of Leave it to Beaver. Shortly after our fishing trip got underway a bad line of storms rolled through and we had to leave due to flooding and tornadoes. Nice place, I don’t know why it is not more populated? I could go on and on about my adventure but the main thing I took away from my trip is a genuine understanding of why many call it mobilhoma and that there really isn’t much there but red dirt and bingo.
by BEVOCALHORNS on Aug 23, 2011 11:40 AM CDT reply actions
No Flemming made his grades, or someone made Flemming’s grades. As per usual in Norman.
by Jesus Shuttlesworth on Aug 23, 2011 11:43 AM CDT reply actions
Well done…brought a much-needed smile to my face this morning.
by Ralph the Wonder Llama on Aug 23, 2011 11:49 AM CDT reply actions
Really, an amusing piece. However, Landry is from Artesia, NM, and they are ‘rite’ proud of him there. It is quite probable that they are offended by having him considered an okie.
by cfbfan5 on Aug 23, 2011 11:50 AM CDT reply actions
As the UnOrthodox Rabbi West of the Pecos, I approve this post, together with any and all references reverential or otherwise to all flavors of the People of The Book. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke… or the truth… or not.
by Tex Long on Aug 23, 2011 11:50 AM CDT reply actions
Boomer Sooner then stands in line leering at junior high girls, contemplating a court mandated paternity test, conspicuously checking his pager, popping and locking to music only he hears. When the cashier refuses to accept the insufficient offering of lint, pennies, shell casings, and county jail chits rescued from the secretion-rich depths of his crack-baring (and crack-bearing) jorts for a Mickey’s Big Mouth and a Oui magazine, Captain Crimson storms out, lays rubber, clips a curb, overcorrects, and rolls his ride as his exhaust pipe sets a destructive grass fire in the median.
This was pure brilliance. I laughed so hard I cried, fell rolling to the floor, popped a woody … all before lunch on a Tuesday. I love this site.
by Scandal Man on Aug 23, 2011 11:51 AM CDT reply actions
Have to agree with you, those guys up in Oklahoma are way out there with their religion.
Adios, mofo. Praise Jesus.
by Rick Perry on Aug 23, 2011 11:54 AM CDT reply actions
If you hear Landry Jones talk he is actually a pretty reasonable guy for a Sooner. That’s probably because he’s not really a Sooner, but from New Mexico. He will play in the NFL because he has good size and decent accuracy. But no, if I was a GM, I would not waste anything higher than a 4th or 5th round pick on him. As the article says he is the beneficiary of some really good receivers. The key to beating him is to flush him and make him move his feet.
I rewatched a lot of last years game. Their All Big 12 center Habern got his shit pushed in by Randall more often than not. The problem was we had nobody next to Randall to punish them for a double team.
by Jag on Aug 23, 2011 12:00 PM CDT reply actions
Gold!
Scip, you’ve outdone yourself. I laughed so hard I blew Molokko Plus out my nose. Good thing I’d finished with my “glass bottom boat” or I’d really have a scat back.
Thanks for all your great positional write-ups and now the crowning SOTU glory.
by LongHornedFrog on Aug 23, 2011 12:25 PM CDT reply actions
Scipio, if you could ease up on the Funyuns bashing, I’d appreciate it. Other than that, great work as always.
by Brian Combs on Aug 23, 2011 12:54 PM CDT reply actions
Landry looks like every Oklahoman I’ve ever seen at the State Fair eating fried Coca-Cola syrup as their cousin-wives test the hydraulic supports on The Zipper with rhino toe bursting from their pajama jeans; every wormy redneck-wigger hybrid Sooner fan who drives a 1998 Nissan mini-truck and walks into convenience stores shirtless mumbling,"This nigga right here need Funyuns."
I would love to see Thujone add the illustrations to this!
by VinceApplewhite on Aug 23, 2011 1:20 PM CDT reply actions
Hopefully it works out better for Scipio Drogo than it did Kahl.
OU is going to be pretty salty on offense. I don’t think they lose much with Murray being gone and replacing him with a healthy Finch and adding stud RB Brandon Williams.
I forget how pathetic they were in the first 5 games last year besides their drubbing of Florida State. The game against us might have been their most pathetic.
by dick on Aug 23, 2011 1:20 PM CDT reply actions
Michael didn’t quite get the religious joke but maybe let’s avoid making comments that would provoke a debate on the validity of the Bible, the intelligence of your average Christian, etc.
Scipio made a funny, Michael was over-sensitive, let’s talk about football.
You can definitely count me amongst those that read OU’s infrequent losing to a more dominant team than actually existed. Huck’s stats are fascinating and I suspect that at the core of this is the fact that OU wasn’t overwhelming people in the trenches on either side of the ball.
by Nickel Rover on Aug 23, 2011 1:24 PM CDT reply actions
I don’t care if somebody already rep’d you for this…“That’s like slump busting in a morgue” is one of the funniest goddamn lines I’ve read ever.
Holy shit my co-workers were asking my wtf was so funny. ‘Course I didn’t want them to know that once again I’m spending my entire afternoon (well-spent, I might add) reading stuff on BC.
by Gman on Aug 23, 2011 2:59 PM CDT reply actions
He’s saying that preachers are ignorant thieves (at least saying Landry would be)…so yeah that’s religion-bashing, no need for a reread.
Preacher bashing and religion bashing aren’t the same thing.
But, they are both funny so make with the religion bashing!
by The General on Aug 23, 2011 3:41 PM CDT reply actions
Another Scipio “Preview” Classic! Others have been chronicled above, but my favorite line…“When the cashier refuses to accept the insufficient offering of lint, pennies, shell casings, and county jail chits rescued from the secretion-rich depths of his crack-baring (and crack-bearing) jorts for a Mickey’s Big Mouth and a Oui magazine, Captain Crimson storms out, lays rubber, clips a curb, overcorrects, and rolls his ride as his exhaust pipe sets a destructive grass fire in the median.”
Brilliant and laugh out loud funny.
by TD Texas on Aug 23, 2011 3:56 PM CDT reply actions
This blows. As a SOTU author, it’s not cool they post Scipio’s first. Well done.
by dedfischer on Aug 23, 2011 3:58 PM CDT reply actions
A fine bit of mockery. Well played. Scipio is in mid-season form.
Anyone who takes offense at the religious aspect hasn’t visited Oklahoma recently. There is a holy roller church on every corner. My Sooner wife blames it on brain drain. Most of her contemporaries with any snap have long since traded in their surrey with the fringe on top for better opportunities elsewhere.
Demographics, dear boy, demographics.
by hopefulhorn on Aug 23, 2011 4:01 PM CDT reply actions
Scipio, if you could ease up on the Sherwin – Williams bashing I’d appreciate it. Other than that, great work as always
by BEW on Aug 23, 2011 4:29 PM CDT reply actions
Thanks for all of the nice comments.
And I think the “ease up on” meme has just been created for the 2011 football season.
by Scipio Tex on Aug 23, 2011 4:41 PM CDT reply actions
That Slapout wiki link reads like a Borges short story synopsis. Some of the greatest homage to Oklahoma ever written:
“In the chicken coop he started a store.”
“Tom Lemmons finally gave in when a tornado came through town and only took out his (road) sign.”
“Lemmons also built a building to house his rock collection.”
Effin’ hilarious, Scip.
by Dagga Roosta on Aug 23, 2011 5:24 PM CDT reply actions
Dagga -
I was hoping some readers would follow some of the Choose Your Own Adventure tangents. The fact that Slapout is located in Beaver County also pleased me.
by Scipio Tex on Aug 23, 2011 6:39 PM CDT reply actions
I’ve been hoping someone would discuss the ascendency of Heupel to OC. Is he their Major Applewhite or (hopefully) Mike Bobo?
Some of their other coaching replacements should bear some scrutiny as well. That staff appears to have been significantly downgraded.
by Bobby_Batronic on Aug 23, 2011 7:51 PM CDT reply actions
Caught some of the Oklahoma All Access on ESPN tonight and I’m stunned. This creates an unfair advantage for the Sooners!! It showed the players practicing football. It mentioned their High Schools… their HIGH SCHOOLS!! It showed players having fun bowling. It showed the head football coach with a woman and dogs and foreign automobiles. Unfair advantage!!
Time to play our standing offer card and secede. Who is with me!
by Art Vandelay on Aug 23, 2011 8:11 PM CDT reply actions
’Landry looks like every Oklahoman I’ve ever seen at the State Fair eating fried Coca-Cola syrup as their cousin-wives test the hydraulic supports on The Zipper with rhino toe bursting from their pajama jeans; every wormy redneck-wigger hybrid Sooner fan who drives a 1998 Nissan mini-truck and walks into convenience stores shirtless mumbling,"This nigga right here need Funyuns."
Picture the forlorn injun with the single tear rolling down his cheek in the commercial.
Now picture it’s actually Bomani Jones.
by Young Williams on Aug 23, 2011 10:26 PM CDT reply actions
Nice work Scip, you are rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
by bob osso on Aug 23, 2011 11:26 PM CDT reply actions
okay seriously. one of your best. i did a lol-pee-squirt.
by thujone on Aug 23, 2011 11:41 PM CDT reply actions
After days of meetings that rivaled late night high stakes LHN meetings, Scipio has caved in and agreed to write all 10 SOTUs.
by Vasherized on Aug 24, 2011 12:01 AM CDT reply actions
No offense to any of the other bloggers, but I can work with that.
by Jake Lonergan on Aug 24, 2011 12:24 AM CDT reply actions
All I know is John Blake beat Texas, so UT could beat a good OU team and win the Big 12—anything is possible I guess.
Good job on having as many BCS wins and 5 less conference championships—stick with the burnt orange if that’s what you’re into.
And btw, if Colt and Case represent what Texans look like, I’ll make sure to let the Okies know you have to fire the hot bacon grease on your face BEFORE you get hit with the frying pan. The Toxic Avenger should’ve been consulted on Texas standards—Landry apologizes.
by The World is Right Again on Aug 24, 2011 10:24 AM CDT reply actions
Insert obligatory fat mentally challenged sooner pic here. Yeah, you know the one.
by Bobby_Batronic on Aug 24, 2011 11:45 AM CDT reply actions
My coworkers are asking why I’m slow clapping in my office.
by Bateshorn on Aug 24, 2011 1:38 PM CDT reply actions
“I dunno. UT installing the Power O is a matter of time. OU’s interior line problems appear to be a function of personnel.”
—awesome. Just splendid!
by bravo on Aug 24, 2011 2:29 PM CDT reply actions
“Most Sooners work at Sherwin-Williams. No one disputes this.”
My neighborhood Sherwin-Williams is staffed and run by SEC grads. At least I get to talk football when I am in there. I don’t use any word that has more than five letters or they start to get confused.
Great read on the Sooners.
by dimecoverage on Aug 24, 2011 3:06 PM CDT reply actions
Hilarium at its highest level. But, take it from me, you are sooooo banned from that k-hole CCMac.
by wrangler on Aug 24, 2011 7:03 PM CDT reply actions
I laughed at this. But these Horns fans talkin smack better watch out. We are gonna kick the crap outta y’all this year.
by TexanSooner16 on Aug 24, 2011 7:28 PM CDT reply actions
The Big 12 has never been known for its Genius Defensive Coordinators, and most have still not figured out that when Jones has to leave the comfort of the pocket, his qb rating falls to 8%. Our own beloved Little Will couldn’t figure it out last year and his 72 IQ was tops in the league.
by ransomstoddard on Aug 24, 2011 8:22 PM CDT reply actions
Oh ofcourse, another Texas fan thats just a big baby. Oklahoma owns the Big 12 buddy. And don’t talk about us playing someone not so good in a bowl game. Texas has a weak schedule every year. And Art Vandelay, you sir are an idiot. Whining about how Oklahoma has an unfair advantage? Texas has a Longhorn Football Network. For goodness sake. And Jesus Suttleworth, you’re also not very smart. If you didn’t know, every college does that. How in the hell did Vince Young pass at Texas? Scored a 6 out of 50 on the Wonderlic Intelligence Test. Hahahaha! But this is typical out of Texas fans. The only reason why y’all have so many all time wins is because y’all played in the Southwest Conference. Who was your hardest competitor? Arkansas. Hahaha typical Texas fans on here having no class. Oh and another point. Why do you guys suck when you have the best recruits every year? Oh wait. You can’t turn your recruits into anything.
by Parker Shaw on Aug 24, 2011 9:59 PM CDT reply actions
Bobby_Batronic, are coaching staff downgraded? Okay. First of all, look at your staff. Terrible. Can’t turn your team into anything. Second of all, you’ve guys hve been complaining that OU is number one without playing a game and freaking out about it. Well you haven’t seen Heupel coach yet? Yeah, you’re ignorant.
by Yoyoyoyyoyo on Aug 24, 2011 10:03 PM CDT reply actions
Parker Shaw, ladies and gentlemen. Parker Shaw.
by Vasherized on Aug 24, 2011 11:21 PM CDT reply actions
“authentic flatlands gibberish”
Scip, I think Parker Shaw has upped the ante
by Texastough on Aug 24, 2011 11:33 PM CDT reply actions
Folks, he’ll be here all week. Please try the veal.
by Bateshorn on Aug 25, 2011 9:04 AM CDT reply actions
“The only reason why y’all have so many all time wins is because y’all played in the Southwest Conference.”
Interesting comment. Let me know when your winning percentage against Texas gets to 50%.
by nordbergeron on Aug 25, 2011 9:25 AM CDT reply actions
Parker Shaw seems to sooner-typical to be true… I’m throwing the troll flag.
It was missing Vandalay’s sarcasm that really tipped me off. Nice try though!
by Bunbury on Aug 25, 2011 1:47 PM CDT reply actions
@Monahorns
>sinless1 I doubt you doubt the fossil record. you just interpret it differently.
You are correct, but as brevity is the soul of wit, I kept things pithy.
Scip, your wit is worth the 1-2 self-sullying trips to the urban dictionary that it takes to chymify each post. Bravo!
by sinless1 on Aug 25, 2011 2:51 PM CDT reply actions
Hahahaha, just trying to make this SOTU a bit more interesting. And yes, Texas has beaten Oklahoma more than we’ve beaten them. But who cares! 7 National Championships!
by Parker on Aug 25, 2011 6:13 PM CDT reply actions
I’ve read this SOTU at least four times, and laugh heartily every time through. Bravo, Scip. Brav-fucking-o.
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