2011 Iowa State Football Preview: Cyclone State of The Union

And there you have it. More SOTU goodness. Bravo sir, nice shot across an unsuspecting bow.

Is it me or does it sound like everyone in their backfield is using their porn name?

I met an old meathead the other day that played under Mack at Iowa State.

Magnus – superb work on a tough and sparse subject matter.

“Last year’s Cyclones had only ten more sacks than that tranny OU cheerleader”

This made it worth the read.

I can get a cheap flight from Denver to Des Moines that weekend. Very tempting. And of course it will be during corn harvest.

That may be my random away game travel venture this year. It would have been UCLA if the stadium were not 6,000 miles from the airport.

Thanks for this write-up, Magnus.

I’d be surprised if Rhoads doesn’t get snatched up by a top-20 program shortly. To the extent that one can tell from the outside, he seems to run a clean program and clearly knows how to win.

That seems like a good combination right there.

I AM SO PROUD TO READ THIS POST.

We play Northern Iowa this year, not Northern Illinois. Good read though!

I am a little shocked that it took you nineteen paragraphs and a dialogue to mention porn.

Otherwise, great write-up – I know more about ISU now, and you didn’t mention brown patch,which thankfully, I don’t have this year.

Having written the Iowa St SOTU in 2009, I know what you’ve just been through. Norco and bourbon will get you through this brief bout of vertigo.

It felt like giving Lil Wayne the keys to our healthcare system when this was assigned but you came through.

When talking Sighclone football, stakes is high.

Great article, but I was a little dissapointed that you set this up so well and then just dropped it:
“Ehhhhh…but STEELE JANTZ does not sound like a guy who will be denied on the gridiron. Or a porn set.

Perhaps an even bigger hole to fill than the…"

I can’t believe your turned them coals into diamonds. Great read.

I was thinking that making the game in Ames would be a good idea because it’s a place where slumps get busted, thanks to the thick corn-fed hunnies, but then I realized that it was family weekend, so any Horn fans looking for something on the easy are SOL thanks to all the kissing cousins coming back into town.

Re: “I was thinking that making the game in Ames would be a good idea because it’s a place where slumps get busted, thanks to the thick corn-fed hunnies, but then I realized that it was family weekend, so any Horn fans looking for something on the easy are SOL thanks to all the kissing cousins coming back into town.”

You’d think they would schedule family weekend later on when it’s sperm freezing cold, for obvious reasons.

Wait . . . we lost to Iowa State last year?

“Johnson” and “Woody” aren’t porn star names? Talk about backfield in motion. I’ll forego the obvious “pounding” and “deep up the middle” references as too obvious for a magnus post.

I confess I find the Cy-Hawk Trophy strangely disturbing — perhaps because it appears to capture the moment where, in desparation, a starving mother sells her oldest child into bondage (or worse) for the few ears of corn proffered by the scary farmer. Almost more nightmare-inducing than last year’s game.

Flew into Des Moines for a basketball game at Iowa State. Made the drive over in the dead of winter. The suicide rate must be off the chart in Ames during winter, it was the bleakest, vista I have ever seen.

Finished the trip by having the pilot back up into the gateway ramp.

Good times.

Jesus – thank you, sir. Looking forward to the Rice tailgate.

Texasrocks – I see porn names everywhere. Either they’re out in the open like Jantz’s, or I make anagrams if I have to.

ColoradoAg – Thanks, the subject was hard, but at least I got to follow Scipio! That sucked too. I wonder if the ISU guy you talked to knew Mack was headed to where he’s been even way back then.

Parlin – While writing this I wondered the same thing. I remember there being a write-up on the Cosm about a guy that was reluctant to go to ISU because he knew Rhoads was headed for yellower corn fields. It’ll have to be an AD that doesn’t mind facing the, “you got a guy with a .500 record to coach here?” crowd. I hope he has a breakout year at some point.

Spider – I am so proud that you read it. It’s actually the first time I can remember being proud of my country.

Cycloneindc – Seems like half the handles from guys in D.C. end with indc. WTF are you guys doing up there? I knew N. Ill was wrong. When I first saw the schedule I was going to make a Bryce Paup/N. Iowa joke. Thanks.

uthookem – I tried to go outside of my character like Wesley Snipes in Too Wong Foo, but it felt weird. I was recently fretting about the vibrance of your garden what with the climate and all.

Vasherized – I re-read yours so as not to duplicate. Thank God that trophy came out recently.

UT-06 – I’ll start writing more in the (Penthouse) Forums.

redfoot – Better get your slump busting done before we head to the Pac – ?.

Newy – Burbank Airport is only a rugby punt away from the Rose Bowl.

Outstanding job. Like any great episode of Blossom: We all learned something.

Well done and well played.

Gotta admit, I like the cyclones. I would say the have spunk, but that just feeds right into the porn theme and I won’t take that bait.

The garden is in full blown survival mode…so far the front yard is serviceable, but the back yard is full of fail. Since the drought is likely to continue, a full sprinkler system is working its way into the budget.

The statue’s corn looks delicious.

I think you meant like every VERY SPECIAL episode of Blossom.

Rhoads is awesome. Ojnab_bob has always had really good thoughts on the guy but he’s got a familial relationship to IA ST so he keeps them less than public.

Slainte, mag.

Texasrocks – I see porn names everywhere. Either they’re out in the open like Jantz’s, or I make anagrams if I have to.

I enjoyed that you discussed Steele Jantz’s porn potential in one line and then mentioned “gaping holes” in the very next. THAT’s quality writing.

I learned more about ISU than I ever wanted to know.

This drought has been wonderful. I’m a terrible gardener, so it hasn’t really hurt anything, but it has given me a legitimate excuse. Also, I think I’ve mowed 3 times this summer. I hate mowing. If it wasn’t against my HOA, i’d have a mini goat or two and never mow again.

I have a more legitimate reason to dislike the state of Iowa- my ex hailed from there. I met her in law school. Why I felt the need to import a wife from the mid west back to the state of texas is beyond me- clearly I am an idiot.

Have been to Aimes for a few football games. Nothing special, but the people are nice and it’s a college town and only about an hour from the Des Moines airport. That said, if you don’t ever make the trip you aren’t truly missing anything. I’d put it ahead of the little apple on the big 12 north itinerary, but well behind Columbia and Lawrence (both underrated imo-not that either are great but they aren’t as terrible as most of our fanbase makes them out to be). I’d guess kick temps will be about 60 during the middle of the day- nice football weather. It gets dark early there though.

Brilliant stuff, magnus. I’m still desperately trying to figure out how you made Iowa State such a wildly entertaining topic. A “bravo” and three shots of Beefeater for you, sir, and not necessarily in that order.

“Last year’s Cyclones had only ten more sacks than that tranny OU cheerleader while also giving up 186.3 yards per game on the ground.”

Is this more yards per game on the ground than the tranny OU cheerleader gave up?

There were probably three or thirty more jokes you could have made about the Cy-Hawk trophy, but I’m glad you diversified.

I hear when Steele Jantz ejaculates onset, it smells like pure gasoline.

Great write-up, MB.

Bigfoot smells like Steele Jantz’s dick, imo.

Over / under on how long it takes for Cyclone Fan to discover this post: 3 weeks.

Over. That’s how long it will take them to find a dial-up.

“and will continue to do with 2011 starter and bavarian fragrance namesake, Steele Jantz. 60% of the time he completes passes 100% of the time.”

That one needs more kudos, IMO!

This is probably the best preview I’ve seen on the internet of this year’s team. Well Done.

No airport in Ames, but Des Moines has one (20 minutes down I-35.)

I hate to say it, but I almost like ISU’s chances against the Longhorns. I know how hard it can be to stay focused on little old Iowa State with Oklahoma the next week.

Tough subject and you did a great job. Kept me entertained throughout. Bravo.

I was with you and enjoying this right up to the third-to-last paragraph. Like so many before you, in trying too hard to find a parallel, you have failed to appreciate the depths of suckitude that KSU football was mired in pre-Bill Snyder. Iowa State might have been the worst team in the conference when Rhoads took over, but they were nowhere near the worst team in the entire nation. At least they, you know, won some games and were slightly competitive from time to time. I get that things have changed a bit with cupcake scheduling and more teams in D-1A (or the FBS if you work for the NCAA or ESPN), but it’s a pet peeve of mine that people can’t appreciate how historically awful K-State was, even though I was barely alive for that era.

Otherwise, excellent work, and I’m glad you were able to throw in a picture of that God forsaken trophy. No ISU preview this year would be complete without it.

With all that Longhorn/Texas talent, most of which are overrated, what is the explanation for the dismal season a year ago? It just could happen that their trip back home from Ames, Iowa this year may be less than jubilant. I love it when the chickens are counted before they’re hatched. Like the Cowboys, the Longhorns get the best money can get them, and no advantage is too small to pursue.

The “Steel Jantz wears t-shirts like Antonio Cromartie wears rubbers” tag deserves a post to itself.

Cyclones! Watch and observe. Appreciate them for what they are. This is a rare occurrence.

In fairness to reasonable Iowans, we should mention here that the pictured Cy-Hawk trophy design has been withdrawn. Apparently, EVERYBODY in Iowa except the Corn Growers Association hated it. I can’t imagine why.

Cyclones, please don’t mind us as we dart you and release you back into the wild. We wish to observe you and track your movements.

Tell us of your ways and customs.

Nice job Magnus. You’ll get a brah hug at the tailgate.

Crazy, but this is one of the best reviews I’ve read of Iowa State. Hard to find quality objective sports writing in a state that relates mega-corn farms to football. Thanks for taking the time to delve into the closet of the underdog.

Significantly late to the party here. (as you predicted)

Nice write-up. I always look forward to these. Can’t wait to see the Horns up in Ames this year. One thing is certain with Rhoads and Burnham, the D will be as stout as the talent permits. (& surprisingly a decent # of potential NFL caliber players) This could be a solid group.

Oh, how silly of me, the other certainty is OU will put up 50+ and Iowa will pound them into submission with their mind-numbing Big Rust Belt style football.

• as Vasherized predicted

nice porn references too. A few years back, the backfield had a FB named Kock that would litterally ram into the A hole.

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