2011 Missouri Football Preview: Tiger State of the Union

by nobis60 on Aug 26, 2011 10:28 AM CDT in Texas Longhorns and Other Football

Ah, Fall.

The air echoes with the nervous laughter of schoolchildren braving the start of a new grade and the susurrus of falling leaves, and the energies of the BC staff turn towards the merciless slander careful evaluation of our Big Ten Nine Twelve brethren. I was honored to take on the task of writing the 2011 State of the Union for the Missouri Tigers, and it was with an air of hopeful anticipation that I submitted my effort.

Unfortunately, upon senior management’s review of said effort, I learned that our preseason allotment of meth, crime, welfare, incest and Powerball jokes have been almost entirely spoken for by more senior writers doing their own SOTU’s. With about 93% of my first draft thereby invalidated, I decided to take a different tack and lead off with a discussion about the much-debated pronunciation of the state (and, by extension, the state school in question). As you’re probably aware, there are two dominant schools of thought on this topic, and I think each one provides an interesting window into the psyche and outlook of its adherents.

The first school holds that the pronunciation is Mizz-oor-EEEE. I think this is the view held by the optimistic, glass half full type of person. The EEEE! calls to mind an excited, girlish giggle – the type of sound a young lady might make when, caught up in the heady throes of her own blossoming sexuality, she coquettishly lifts her skirt towards that older, cooler, wealthier guy. The guy who lives on the north side of town who, if properly seduced, could whisk her away from her ever-so-drab group of friends to an uptown life of glitz, glam and A-list parties (for the sake of this discussion, let’s call the guy in question “Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany”). It’s an EEEE! resplendent with confidence and hope for the future.

The second school holds that the pronunciation is Mizz-oor-UH. These people are the glass half empty, pessimistic Berts to the EEEE! school’s optimistic Ernies. The UH seems appropriate to a moment of unwelcome recognition – the type of sound a young lady might make when she sees one of her hotter, sluttier friends climbing into that older guy’s IROC-Z and peeling out of the parking lot (for the sake of this discussion, let’s call the friend in question “Nebraska”). The UH could also serve as a convenient verbal pause when she turns to see her friends standing in a semicircle, drumming their fingertips on crossed arms, and realizes that maybe she shouldn’t have made all those Facebook posts about ‘ditching these bitches for life with Jim’. It’s an UH that betokens the realization that you’re nowhere near as hot or desirable as your youthful delusion had led you to believe.

EEEE! or UH? It’s an age-old question that I, as a service to our dear BC readers, will answer definitively at the end of this piece. But first, let’s use these opposing worldviews as a prism through which we can evaluate the prospects for the 2011 Missouri Tigers.

QUARTERBACK

Gone is Blaine Gabbert, lost to the Tigers in the Hilarious QB Overdrafting Fandango otherwise known as the 2011 NFL Draft. Two competing academic theories have emerged to explain the absurdity of the quarterback selections last April. The first is that 2011 served as the Bizarro 1983 Draft that yielded Hall of Famers John Elway, Jim Kelly and Dan Marino. Under this theory Gabbert may be Bizarro Todd Blackledge, as he is likely the only one with a scintilla of a chance of accomplishing anything in the league. A lesser-known but equally compelling theory holds that the draft actually served as a harbinger of the Mayan End Times. Carvings in the ruins of Palenque have been deciphered to read:

Four war chiefs shall be chosen in error to lead their peoples. The stones they cast shall miss their marks, and their spears will fly wild into the jungle. Their peoples will curse the gods in defeat, and the Lightning Deity and the Earth Crocodile will grow wroth and drown the world.

While Gabbert is busy playing Four Horsemen with Newton, Locker and Ponder, the Tigers turn to sophomore James Franklin to run the show. The EEEE! crowd will tell you that Franklin is well suited to the sideline and underneath routes that make up the backbone of the Mizzou offense, and that he’ll also bring a greater degree of zip to their zone read and option-based ground attack. The UH bunch will no doubt express concern about how Franklin will react when a game hangs in the balance, or when he’s actually asked to throw the ball more than ten yards in the air.

RUNNING BACKS

It’s been a while since Missouri featured a really standout running back, but they are more than capable of penetrating the defense if you sleep on them. In his search to replace the felonious Derrick Washington, coach Gary Pinkel apparently eschewed recruiting in favor of hitching a ride with Jango Fett to the planet Kamino and placing an order for a trio of identical young backs. Senior De’Vion Moore (5’9”, 195), junior Kendial Lawrence (5’9”, 190) and soph Henry Josey (5’10”, 180) attack with numbing waves of repetitiveness typically reserved for dying Midwestern towns and the lyrics to Britney Spears’ Womanizer. To the EEEE!s, it’s a dynamic stable of backs that only figure to improve on last season’s 5.8 YPC, 1500 yard rushing attack with a running QB at the helm. The UH crowd wonders what any of these guys will do to scare a defense out of spreading wide to disrupt the short passing game or teeing off on Franklin when he runs option.

WIDE RECEIVERS

Missouri returns the bulk of its receiving corps from last season’s 33^rd-ranked passing attack. While these guys are no stooges, they are led by Moe – junior T.J. Moe, who racked up over a thousand yards and 92 catches as a sophomore while displaying the type of grit, hustle and Caucasianity that Missouri fans are always wont to embrace. Iowa spectacularly failed to block Moe’s signature two-fingered eye poke last season as he torched them for an absurd 15 catches. Moe is joined by the talented but inconsistent Jerrell Jackson, another Gritty McHustle type in senior Wes Kemp and tall, slender sophomore Marcus Lucas. Those in an EEEE! frame of mind will tell you that this group brings more speed and shakes to the Midwest than anyone since Walter White (ed. note – OK, one meth joke but that’s IT) while the UH bunch seriously doubts this group of possession guys’ ability to stretch the field, particularly in concert with Franklin’s popgun arm.

OFFENSIVE LINE

The Tigers’ O-line looked to be returning a wealth of experience in 2011, but that was before Elvis left the building – senior OT Elvis Fisher blew out a knee during summer practice and deprived the Missouri O-line of an experienced and accomplished tackle. They still return a number of solid players, however. Senior Dan Hoch is solid and dependable, if not overly athletic. Senior Austin Wuebbels wobbled but didn’t fall down during his first couple of seasons as a starter, and shows signs of rounding into a capable performer. With Fisher gone, the Tigers will be entrusting the left tackle spot to sophomore Justin Britt, whose name would be even preppier if it was reversed. Squatty bodies Jayson Palmgren and Travis Ruth will sort out who’s playing center and who’s playing guard and then, um, play center and guard. On the EEEE! side of the street it’s a fairly experienced and reasonably talented group who should have the burden of pro-caliber blocking removed in a zone read and quick-pass intensive scheme, but the UHs will bemoan the lack of a possible all-conference player in Fisher and wring their hands at this group’s penalty-prone ways.

DEFENSIVE TACKLES

Missouri displayed a cavalier attitude towards academics that no doubt earned the scorn of the Big Ten admirable patience and understanding in waiting out the arduous, JUCO-tinged recruitment of Rivals 5-star DT Sheldon Richardson and will finally reap their reward when the 310-pound man-child finally takes the field this fall. As long as they don’t let him pet any puppies or ranch hands' wives he should be a terror in the middle. The Tigers also have senior Dominique Hamilton returning from injury, with Terrell Resonno and Marvin Foster rounding out the rotation. The EEES! love the potential of Richardson wreaking havoc while Hamilton and the rest stay strong against the run, while the UHs worry about Hamilton and Fosters’ predilection towards injury as well as the aforementioned puppy concerns.

DEFENSIVE ENDS

Despite the loss of all-everything DE Aldon Smith to a stress fracture midway through 2010, the Tigers cobbled together a very effective rotation on the edges that helped them put a lot of heat on opposing QBs. Senior Jacquies Smith has a penchant for big plays, as well as a snappy fashion line at K-Mart. Sophomore Michael Sam showed the ability to be disruptive as a freshman, redshirt freshman Kony Ealy looked like a monster in Missouri’s Spring Game, and junior Brad Madison is the only member of the rotation without a somewhat comical name. The EEEE!s anticipate this bunch building on a very solid performance from a year ago, but the UHs don’t see the all-around athleticism and talent that Mizzou fans became accustomed to with guys like Aldon Smith and Stryker Sulak.

LINEBACKERS

The Missouri linebacking corps was beset by injury last year, but should be solid if they can stay healthy with an experienced crew of junior Zaviar Gooden and seniors Luke Lambert and Will Ebner returning. We’ll give the EEEE!s the floor on this one to revel in all that experience returning to help the Tigers make another run at the league’s points allowed title in 2011.

SECONDARY

It’s new faces in the secondary for the Tigers as they replace three starters with only senior safety Kenji Jackson returning. We’ll let the UHs ponder how three new guys in the back four could play havoc with the Tigers’ plans.

There you have it – a fair and balanced look at what the Tigers are bringing to the table in 2011. While their Big XII record has been spotty with only two North division titles and no conference titles in 15 seasons, there’s no denying that Gary Pinkel has done a lot of good for the program with a school-record six straight bowl appearances and three seasons of double digit wins since 2007. While it’s hard to imagine the Tigers getting past the Sooners for the conference crown while breaking in a new QB, they should turn in a strong showing in 2011.

Of course, I did promise you an answer to the pronunciation question – an answer that demands thinking big-picture. And when you talk big picture in college football, you’re talking about superconferences. With the Aggies determined to push the plunger and blow up the Big XII with their move to the SEC (with said plunger-pushing likely to work out as well for them long term as it always did for Wile E. Coyote), it is only a matter of time before college football undergoes a dramatic transformation. Texas stands as the lynchpin for so much of what will ultimately shake out in the college football landscape. We may end up forming our own superconference with names like Notre Dame and BYU in the mix, in which case it’s pretty likely Mizzou remains our conference-mate and retains a seat at the BCS table. If Texas moves west to create the Pac-16 or north to create the Big-16, the picture for the Tigers gets much more cloudy. In either instance, it’s far from certain that Mizzou either moves with Texas or gets picked up by the other conference – they lack Kansas’ basketball cachet, Notre Dame’s overall brand value or BYU’s championship legacy and nationwide following. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that Missouri could find itself as the Mack Daddy of the MAC in a few years’ time, with a BCS bid a distant memory and demographic trends presaging an even darker future.

The answer to the question? The true pronunciation of this particular state remains as it always has been.

MISERY.

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Comments

Beautifully done. One of my favorites. Love how you weaved in a poetic pronunciation theme and then clipped it off at the end with a punchline. Superb.

by noone on Aug 26, 2011 10:45 AM CDT reply actions

Awesome stuff, nobis.

by BrickHorn on Aug 26, 2011 11:13 AM CDT reply actions

Superbly written, Nobis!

by The General on Aug 26, 2011 11:29 AM CDT reply actions

I applaud your responsible usage of “play havoc with” and “wreaking havoc”. Well done.

by The Dane on Aug 26, 2011 11:37 AM CDT reply actions

Genius work, conceptually. The EEEEE and UH was a great take on the tried and true ‘pros and cons.’

Sailor shall reward you with double the allowed conjugals.

by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 26, 2011 12:01 PM CDT reply actions

Nice one, good theme dude. No Elvis Fisher hurts, I would dare them to beat us deep even without our trio of NFL ready corners and throw some man blitzes at Franklin. Do they have any WR’s that can really burn you after the catch or were the yards of last year coming mostly through the air via Gabbert’s arm strength?

by Nickel Rover on Aug 26, 2011 12:19 PM CDT reply actions

I drafted James Franklin in my keeper league so I am hoping he is like a black Colin Kaepernick.

by Newy25 on Aug 26, 2011 12:21 PM CDT reply actions

Honestly one of the best SOTUS ever written. To do that in your debut is pretty amazing.

The EEEEEE and UH theme was inspired.

by Scipio Tex on Aug 26, 2011 12:23 PM CDT reply actions

The EEEE! calls to mind an excited, girlish giggle – the type of sound a young lady might make when, caught up in the heady throes of her own blossoming sexuality, she coquettishly lifts her skirt towards that older, cooler, wealthier guy.

It’s good to be Sailor Ripley.

Honestly, that part made me horny.

by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 26, 2011 12:31 PM CDT reply actions

Old dudes in Iroc Z’s have always had that effect on the magnus.

by The General on Aug 26, 2011 12:34 PM CDT reply actions

Great, great work here Nobis. Really well woven and layered, like a sweater vest lasagna.

by LonghornScott on Aug 26, 2011 12:39 PM CDT reply actions

Gonna go troll hard for some EEEE girls on the Craigslists now. Thanks for the reminder.

Great recap. Gotta think Mizzou is in a bit of a precipitous position right now after a few years of solid luck and better than expected development. They now have to go to a true round robin with OK St and Tech on the up and up (and A&M…for at least a year…whatever). Very easy to see them fall into the bottom half of the league and stay there for a while. Maybe Pinkel has some black magic up his sleeve, yet.

by jc25 on Aug 26, 2011 12:40 PM CDT reply actions

Fantastic SOTU! We need to hear more from you Nobis.

This has been a terrific series.

by Spastic Synapse on Aug 26, 2011 12:44 PM CDT reply actions

This writing thing, I can tell you’ve done it before.

The Kansas v Missouri game a few years ago that had them ranked 1 and 2 seems like a lifetime ago.

by milksteak on Aug 26, 2011 1:22 PM CDT reply actions

Shouldn’t someone named Michael Sam be a linebacker?

Great piece, Nobis.

by jonestopten on Aug 26, 2011 1:27 PM CDT reply actions

Good job & a fun read. I grew up 30 minutes from Columbia and in my experience the Missouruh pronunciation camp around here is almost exclusively politicians & the occasional country bumpkin. I couldn’t speak for the bootheel & the ozarks though as I have never spent much time there. It has always driven me crazy. As an aside, Modern Family had a pretty funny bit on it last season…one of the writers must be from the state.

There aren’t many lay-ups on our schedule this year, but the general feeling around here is that we should win 9 or 10 games again. I think the OL will be solid even without Fisher and the DL will be filthy and is extremely deep at all positions. Pinkel & co. have really worked to improve the OL & DL depth and quality in recent seasons and I think it’s already paying off. If you watched the MU/OU game last year you could see that we were the more physical team in the trenches for the first time I can ever remember. Maybe that’s a one game abberation but almost everyone is back from both lines and there are a lot of talented young guys pushing to break into the rotation as well.

I don’t have any illusions that we will ever be an “elite” program, but I do believe that we will be at least a solid 8-10 win team as long as Pinkel is coach. Every 3 or 4 years you can hope for a chance at something more substantial when you have the right combination of returning experience & talent. This could have been that year if Gabbert & A. Smith had come back for a 4th year. Really, that’s not a bad place to be for 90-95% of the D1 football programs.

by MU_LAX on Aug 26, 2011 1:35 PM CDT reply actions

this nobis cat is a welcome addition

by huge on Aug 26, 2011 1:38 PM CDT reply actions

Nobis, well done. I know the primary purpose is to entertain, with imparting any deep insights into a football team coming a distant second. I think you portrayed the basics of the team fairly accurately. And, obviously, now comes my time to quibble. As you will soon discover, I’m in the EEEE camp.

Exposure to years of Tiger suckitude has left both long time fans and outside observers with the impression that the recent MissourEE on-field successes (relatively speaking) have been individual based. Chase Daniel as pretty good! Jeremy Maclin and Danario Alexander where awesome! Blaine Gabbert…had quarterbackly golden locks! When those guys exit stage left, expectations of suckitude enter stage right. The success of Texas, or Oklahoma, however, has been program based. Anyone remember UT’s preseason ranking last year? I’ll save you the effort….5. With a 1st place vote, for good measure (to be fair…Florida was 4 and Bama was 1, this may actually be a stronger plank for the “Preseason polls are lamer than Stephen Hawking” platform).

I’m not saying this kind of thinking is wrong, or undeserved. Texas under Mack Brown, no matter what the Barkers might bark, deserved the respect shown by prognosticators based on a history of being able to reload with little dropoff. No matter that UT was replacing an all-timer like Colt McCoy with a mediocre comedian best known for a grating voice and disdain for the Japanese.

My question is this: When does a program “make the leap” to one that can lose a good (but not even especially great) college QB like Blaine Gabbert and not be expected to take multiple steps back? I believe that Missouri has quietly made that leap. In fact, the Missouri on field product has generally been as good or better after the losses of Brad Smith and Chase Daniel, despite general prognostications of forthcoming suckitude.

I also believe that last year, and likely this year, MissourEE is as deep and talented in the trenches on both sides of the ball as any other team in the conference, although the loss of Elvis Fisher certainly makes that position less defensible. In many ways, this team is the polar opposite of the Chase Daniel years. The lack of difference makers at WR/RB caps realistic expectations, whereas in 2007/08, the lack of talent in the trenches did so. Everyone’s favorite favorite, OU, got absolutely whupped in the trenches in Columbia last year, as did A&M in College Station. I’m not sure why everyone thinks that will change this year. A&M rushed the ball, at home, 33 times for 57 yards and gave up 7 sacks. But hey! They return all those talented offensive linemen!

I don’t expect anyone to give MissourEE or UH much respect until and unless a conference championship happens. With trips to Norman and College Station on the schedule, a new QB, a moderately inexperienced secondary and a serious rash of preseason injuries, I doubt this is the year it will happen. Nonetheless, assuming this dumbass conference can stick together for a bit longer, and either (1) UT continues to squander its recruiting hegemony by embracing underdog strategies or (2) Bob Stoops finally jumps for the NFL or MILF porn, I expect the Tigers to be legitimate perennial challengers for conference titles over the next 5 years. It will be tough to expect championships against the dualing banjos of a lucid UT and the Stoops juggernaut, unfortunately.

by Gene Claude on Aug 26, 2011 1:51 PM CDT reply actions

Within ten minutes of kickoff of the first game, I expect James Franklin to be better than Blaine Gabbert. That’s damning with faint praise, of course, as Gabbert was a fairly mediocre Big 12 QB. He just looked so damn much like an NFL QB, people (and Jaguars) were willing to excuse his many faults and focus on his strengths – being tall and having good hair. Franklin’s ability to stay in the pocket and his being a running threat make him a better QB for Yost and I expect we’ll all see that very quickly.

So, the offense will be better as everyone else is the same. The offense was average last year.

The defense will give up more points than a year ago, but that’s all about getting lucky and regression. However, it’ll still be very good.

Before the rash of injuries I was very confident in a 9 win season with an outside shot at 10 or 11. My enthusiasm and optimism have been dampened with the banged up o-line, LBs, DBs, Bradison and the K-Mart lady (for some reason I’d never connected the two and here it is his senior year). All that sucks for us.

Still, I expect good things at MissourEEE.

by Phenomenal Smith on Aug 26, 2011 2:15 PM CDT reply actions

I buy into the Mizzou tough-in-the-trenches talk. As the Mizzou guys may recall, I’ve had a crush on Sheldon Richardson since I saw him in a high school All-Star game. And I know about the others.

I’m also a James Franklin fan and feel he was the best dual threat QB in Texas that year. I expect him to add a running dimension that has always been to key unlocking the broader Mizzou running game.

What I can’t get past is the schedule:

@ ASU
@ OU
OSU
@ A&M
Texas

Not to mention roadies to Waco, Manhattan, and a home stand against Tech.

I think 9-3 would be a damn good year.

by Scipio Tex on Aug 26, 2011 2:28 PM CDT reply actions

Great to see the old Atomic Teeth guys again, BTW. Welcome back.

by Scipio Tex on Aug 26, 2011 2:28 PM CDT reply actions

Also…JC, this is the sort of uninformed Texas-centric opinion that makes you guys so loved throughout the rest of the conference.

Since 2009, Texas has had 14 NFL draft picks, 2 in the first round. Missouri has had 10 NFL draft picks and 5 in the first round. OSU is 6/3 and TT is 6/1. Now….is that the luck you speak of, or the better than expected development?

There is no possibly objective way to believe that Missouri is in a worse position than OSU, TT, or A&M to compete in the new, albeit short lived, world order. A much more entrenched coaching staff, a more diversified recruiting base, a non-Lubbockey/Stillwatery location. I think the more relevant question is whether Mizzou can take the leap to UT/OU perennial contender status. Three years ago I would have said no way. I’m not so sure anymore.

by Gene Claude on Aug 26, 2011 2:29 PM CDT reply actions

Great job. Love the “Of Mice and Men” reference.

by BurntOrangeJuice on Aug 26, 2011 2:32 PM CDT reply actions

Great job. Love the "Of Mice and Men" reference.

That was brilliant.

by Phenomenal Smith on Aug 26, 2011 2:41 PM CDT reply actions

Good writeup, Nobis.

Mizz-oor-UH always makes me think of that Simpsons episode.

Bart to Grandpa: There are only 49 stars on that flag

Grandpa: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

by bigdukesix on Aug 26, 2011 2:42 PM CDT reply actions

Holy Crap! The Atomic Teeth guys are still alive?

I agree that the schedule is pretty brutal with few easy wins. That said, I personally feel that the games @ASU and home against Texas are likely wins. @OU is almost certainly a loss (no one wins there). OSU & @A&M I see as a likely split (not sure which I would pick us to win or lose though). If we can find a way to beat OSU and A&M then we could be looking at a very nice season & bowl.

by MU_LAX on Aug 26, 2011 3:01 PM CDT reply actions

this is awesome.

by mattdubya on Aug 26, 2011 3:20 PM CDT reply actions

I find it easy to root for Missouri, and I’m not not sold on Gabbert’s potential. It would be unwise to throw him to the wolves now, but I think over time he develops into an OK starter. Call him Neil Lomax.

I also like what they’ve been doing with regards to Texas recruiting. Jonathan Williams from the 2012 class is going to flat out wreck shop at tailback.

Of Mice and Men was a fine blast, but Sheldon Richardson is black. John Coffee suh, like the drink.

by magnusbleuveigner on Aug 26, 2011 3:48 PM CDT reply actions

The difficulty I had forcing myself to read this well written and genuinely interesting article only highlights how little interest I have in Missouri football.

Well done good sir.

by bevosbackside on Aug 26, 2011 5:36 PM CDT reply actions