Report: Dodds to Meet with Vatican
by Barking Carnival Staff on Sep 13, 2011 2:03 PM CDT
in Texas Longhorns and Other Football
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PrintA source has indicated that Texas athletic director DeLoss Dodds is scheduled to be in Vatican City next week to discuss conference realignment issues and expanding the Big 12 should Oklahoma and Oklahoma State depart. The deal being negotiated centers around an austerity package in which Texas would re-capitalize the Italian banking system in the event of a Greek default and European contagion through proceeds from the Longhorn Network. In exchange, Texas will receive Notre Dame's lifelong allegiance to the Big 12 conference.
The source, with close ties to the UT program, stated, "Dodds has been out in front of this conference realignment issue since the mid-90s and he recognized back then that Notre Dame was the grand prize. He's been watching the situation in Greece and Europe closely for the last five years and sees it as the perfect opportunity for Texas to act now."
Details are scarce at this point, but the source indicated that the deal would include programming for selective private Catholic high school games on the Longhorn Network.
"Mack Brown is extremely concerned about how street agents have infiltrated the private high school systems in states around the country. He views this as a serious threat to Texas' ability for continued recruiting dominance and wants to drive a stake in the heart of the street agent game once and for all. This deal would do that and ESPN has already been in contact with St. Thomas Aquinas in Fort Lauderdale, Central Catholic in Pittsburgh, St. Xavier in Cincinnati and De La Salle in Concord. Those are the schools we'll target first, and of course, it will also develop a strong pipeline into those programs for Texas."
The deal would provide TV coverage on an unprecedented scale nationwide and give Notre Dame access in markets that are attractive to their own future network as well. Texas controls 98% of the market share from San Antonio to Brownsville, the fastest growing region in the country, of which 100% is of the Catholic faith.
The source added, "You think we bought a billion dollars worth of gold to diversify our portfolio? Dodds saw the Euro collapse a mile away. Where do you think the market is headed at that point? The proceeds alone from this move will cover the re-capitalization costs in Italy."
In response to the timing of such a development, the source replied, "When Dodds arrived here, Texas A&M and SMU were running a train on Fred Akers and the Program (Editor's Note: Was instructed to capitalize program.). The higher ups weren't going to stand for this and Dodds set a 30-year timeline on his Master Plan. He wants to leave his legacy here and has said that Texas wouldn't start the realignment game, but by God, we'll finish it. He knows that game will end with whoever has the Pope in their pocket. Dodds and Benny have a great relationship, but if Benny won't kiss the T-Ring then all bets are off. It's been a holdup in the negotiations or this deal would have already been signed, sealed and delivered. We're confident they'll cave in the end. Most folks are keeping an eye on Norman, but like I told you last week, that's merely a smoke screen. Keep an eye on Athens in the next 60-90 days."
Georgia?
"Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Greece, you simpleton Plains twit."
"Do it, Rome."
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Tell me that picture gave you the idea for this story. Weeell done
by Texastough on Sep 13, 2011 2:15 PM CDT reply actions
Expecting further evidence that Longhorns like to laugh at themselves. Well done.
by TomCollins on Sep 13, 2011 2:34 PM CDT reply actions
Simply brilliant. Need a link to the Drudge Report ASAP…markets are bound to go up with this news!
by uthookem on Sep 13, 2011 2:38 PM CDT reply actions
If only it were true. But alas, Greece is Orthodox, so it’s all just a massive bed of Vatican lies. Time to get Dan Brown on the case.
Coming soon: realignment talks shift to Russia, where UT hopes to entice CSKA Moscva and the New Jersey Nets into the Big 12 in exchange for a shipping container of authentic fake Rolexes. LHN money at work, baby.
by Dagga Roosta on Sep 13, 2011 2:40 PM CDT reply actions
Well done ded! I needed that laugh. You sir have won the interwebs…
by One flag. One star. One state. One school. on Sep 13, 2011 2:43 PM CDT reply actions
TomCollins – dedfisher’s a Red Raider, but given the conference circumstances I think he’s more than entitled to poke sticks at UT. And he’s a smart funny bastard so he’s kosher.
by Dagga Roosta on Sep 13, 2011 2:45 PM CDT reply actions
Are the rest of you as surprised as me that the rest of the Illuminati has signed off on DeLoss’s actions????
by One flag. One star. One state. One school. on Sep 13, 2011 2:46 PM CDT reply actions
According to my guy, this is the real deal. Off to Flighttracker!
by dedfischer on Sep 13, 2011 3:19 PM CDT reply actions
Man, Rick Barnes must be estatic — a Catholic Prep School Pipeline without street agents!
Hallelujah !!
by srr50 on Sep 13, 2011 3:20 PM CDT reply actions
Dodds is the Grand Kleegle of the Illuminati. All he has to do is get any answer but “Reply hazy, try again” or “Kill a Kennedy.”
by The General on Sep 13, 2011 3:33 PM CDT reply actions
dedfischer is baaaaack. Leave it to a Tech fan to determine our fate…
by Vasherized on Sep 13, 2011 3:42 PM CDT reply actions
Props to ACE on the orange smoke emanating from the Vatican chimney:
by Sailor Ripley on Sep 13, 2011 3:48 PM CDT reply actions
“30-60 days” , “this thing will be over in 2 minutes, get on it”
by stilltrying on Sep 13, 2011 4:02 PM CDT reply actions
The first paragraph was brilliant. Good work, ded. A much needed laugh.
by Sasha is a Longhorn Dog on Sep 13, 2011 4:03 PM CDT reply actions
When the planet is forced to return to the mercantile economy, we’ll be in fine shape to set up our empire.
Also, I’m sure Dodds is working on partnering with a major indulgences vendor. We will run their ads between Taco Bell gongs, dot races and exorcism bloopers.
by CrazyJoeDavola on Sep 13, 2011 4:04 PM CDT reply actions
It will be nice to finally get that controlling interest of Immobiliare
by Noodles on Sep 13, 2011 4:04 PM CDT reply actions
CJD and Noodles, that made me laugh.
by One flag. One star. One state. One school. on Sep 13, 2011 4:10 PM CDT reply actions
Nice Ded.
Wouldn’t Deloss require the Pope to come to Austin, though? I mean, Deloss is busy and all…
by Cult McCoy on Sep 13, 2011 4:13 PM CDT reply actions
“If only it were true. But alas, Greece is Orthodox, so it’s all just a massive bed of Vatican lies. Time to get Dan Brown on the case.”
Dan Brown is unavailable, but I understand his (half-witted) half-brother Dan Beebe has plenty of time on his hands to assist with negotiations. Orthodox or not, Greece’s financial troubles mean they’ll have less money for their football program, which will be moved down to Division II next year. Future opponents on their schedule include the Papal Swiss Guard, whose defensive play is known for being static.
Rumors are this new conference will eschew both the (weak) dollar and Euro in favor of a new currency backed by UT’s’ gold bullion holdings. Coinage for the new currency shall feature portraits of DeLoss on the front and Bevo on the back, with the inscription “In LHN we trust.”
by PoofyBevo on Sep 13, 2011 4:24 PM CDT reply actions
In response, Baylor’s pro-Baptist regime has threatened to sue the Catholic-leaning Pope through the clever use of a third-party entity, SNAP. Early reports have the other Big 12 schools aligning with Baylor through the use of lesser-known non-profit organizations, CRACKLE and POP, although that could be typical Waco Tribune bullshit.
http://blogs.voanews.com/breaking-news/2011/09/13/pope-sued-for-alleged-crimes-against-humanity/
by jc25 on Sep 13, 2011 4:31 PM CDT reply actions
Sweet Mother Mary! Looks like box seats for me!
Pax Vobiscum!
by FatherRuss on Sep 13, 2011 4:41 PM CDT reply actions
FatherRuss said: “Pax Vobiscum!”
Et cum spiritu tuo
by Jackie Ging on Sep 13, 2011 5:44 PM CDT reply actions
Please link to the Motu Proprio once published.
by Jackie Ging on Sep 13, 2011 5:48 PM CDT reply actions
Are the Chinese really gonna buy up those ESPN junk bonds?
by 2th DK on Sep 13, 2011 8:45 PM CDT reply actions
So the Pope was granted an audience with Deloss? This pope guy must be kinda important, huh?
by sessamoid on Sep 13, 2011 9:08 PM CDT reply actions
2th DK – LHN securities are backed with the full faith and credit of the State of Texas Teacher’s Retirement System. Never fear.
by Dagga Roosta on Sep 13, 2011 9:33 PM CDT reply actions
CJD – and if the exoricsm bloopers don’t pan out (shucks, his head didn’t spin around…) we can always run execution bloopers. We’re Texas.
by Dagga Roosta on Sep 13, 2011 9:34 PM CDT reply actions
Filming begins on To Catch a Priest episodes hosted by Cleve Bryant as soon as the ink dries.
by dedfischer on Sep 13, 2011 10:54 PM CDT reply actions
I saw this coming when they got the billion dollars in gold. What better way to lure a leprachaun?
by tdwalsh on Sep 13, 2011 11:17 PM CDT reply actions
Dodds was here in Zurich with a Papal emissary yesterday. I heard they were trying to hire pikemen from Canton Schwyz in the hope that they could be used to stave off marauding SEC armored cavalry raids into East Texas. It’s a dangerous game, that one. Most of the Swiss pikemen are far more adept at sipping Proseco and chain-smoking than they are at fighting. Let’s hope that the game has not completely passed them by.
by Toadvine on Sep 14, 2011 2:32 AM CDT reply actions
Jackie Ging
Whispers in the Logia is reporting that in the new conference referees will be sporting birettas and all cheers to be done in Latin. Apparently B-16 will issue a papal bull instructing all plays will now go to the right.
by FatherRuss on Sep 14, 2011 3:25 AM CDT reply actions
“Don’t know who the guy in the funny hat is, but the one next to him is Deloss Dodds from the University of Texas.”
by panhandle2 on Sep 14, 2011 7:52 AM CDT reply actions
FatherRuss, three questions if you please.
First, in light of the changes that you mention, will the Aggies still be allowed to have all-male yell leaders, or will a conference commissioner be permitted to require the schools in his conference to go back to the traditional all-girl cheerleader squad (and will the USC style cheerleader sweater be more widely used).
Second, is there any truth to the rumor that a new rule book will be published so that from East Coast to West Coast a more consistent football game will be officiated?
Third, should I go to confession after having posted this?
by Jackie Ging on Sep 14, 2011 9:06 AM CDT reply actions
Jake, I’m sure that was a reference to the 1976 RRS when Royal and Switzer came out of the tunnel with President Ford (who was going to flip the coin), and a Sooner fan yelled out something to the effect of "who are those two SOBs with Switzer?"
by Jackie Ging on Sep 14, 2011 9:37 AM CDT reply actions
People are really going to take notice when local parishes roll out the 3rd ed. of the Roman Missal this Advent and everyone discovers that “The Eyes of Texas” is now accepted as a communion hymn.
by Cincinnatus on Sep 14, 2011 1:25 PM CDT reply actions
Cinci – is it replacing “Lord of the Dance”?
by Jackie Ging on Sep 14, 2011 1:40 PM CDT reply actions
Jackie G:
Nothing could replace LOTD.
But it replacing some of these post-Vatican II classics:
by cincinnatus on Sep 14, 2011 10:23 PM CDT reply actions
How you failed to work in a Priest Holmes reference is beyond me.
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