Squeeze Army

Wednesday Weekly. I'm really going to miss caring about these after this season. This week, Bill offers an interesting proposal to reverse the Ags' second-half woes.


I want to start a new kind of game for us, but it can’t have any third quarters.

Is this a riddle? I love riddles! Let's see... a new kind of game, that doesn't have any third quarters? Is it... hockey?

Badminton?

Stratego?

Half-deer hunting?

...We are having a heck of a time in third quarters.

Checkers?

Jai alai?

Twister?

Doctor?

It’s puzzling to me. I hear constantly from those of you who communicate with me that you expected us to be much better this year.

Go back and read those sentences in Christopher Walken's voice. You'll be glad that you did.

...Last year, we had great success in the second halves of games outscoring opponents 209-126. In fact, we limited opponents to just 37 points in the fourth quarter all last season. This year, we are being outscored 145-111 in the second half and 93-54 in the third quarter.

Why aren’t we better?

Oh my God. That is just... well, that is just really pathetic. Bill Byrne makes me sad.

...If anyone on our staff knew the specific answer, we would solve it. Turnovers are killing us, I know that for sure. Hence my desire for no more third quarters.

Turnovers are killing us. Being killed is undesirable. A swarm of foggy, disjointed thoughts tumble around inside my dizzy melon. Ergo, I desire no more third quarters. QED.

I’m hearing from a number of you saying we need to improve our offense. Offense doesn’t appear to be our problem.

Yeah. So fuck off, dipshits who think we need to improve on offense!

...Any school averaging over 500 yards of total offense, like we are this season, is doing fine offensively. We just can’t continue to turn the ball over.

See what I mean? Our offense is great! We're doing everything right on the offensive side of the ball. The real problem is turnovers. Whoever those guys are that keep turning the ball over are complete fuck-ups! You should blame them, not the offense.

...Some of you have suggested our coaches should instruct our players not to fumble or throw interceptions.

And it's precisely that kind of counterintuitive brilliance that makes Texas A&M, well, Texas A&M!

Here are some things many of you have suggested that our coaches need to do to make us better in no particular order: Don’t turn the ball over, hang on to the football, don’t throw interceptions,...

...don't fumble, keep the ball, prevent turnovers, maintain possession instead of fumbling and/or throwing an interception, don't not hang onto the football, maybe consider not soaking the players' hands in a vat of delicious popcorn butter at halftime, try to throw the ball to our own players instead of the opposing team's players,...

..wrap up when you tackle, get leverage when you block, stuff the receiver at the line of scrimmage, control the line of scrimmage, and have a fanatical effort. Why do I mention these?

Because you're the kind of twisted sicko who gets his rocks off to publishing lists of things people mention in personal correspondence, that's why.

You disgust me, Byrne.

Because these are things I hear our coaches instructing our athletes to do daily when I go to practices.

The point is, we all want to win. But, we must hold on to the ball to give ourselves a chance.

Oh God. The last thing we needed was to give the Aggy faithful more incentive to clinch their balls on television. Whoooooooop!

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Barking Carnival

You must be a member of Barking Carnival to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Barking Carnival. You should read them.

Join Barking Carnival

You must be a member of Barking Carnival to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Barking Carnival. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker