The Texas Leviathan: Why We Must Stomp the Aggies

by Barking Carnival Staff on Nov 22, 2011 4:38 AM CST in Texas Longhorns and Other Football

In Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes famously described the plight of man in his natural state, uninformed and uncivilized.

He said:

“In such condition, there is no place for industry, because the fruit thereof is uncertain: and consequently no culture of the earth, no navigation, nor use of the commodities that may be imported by sea; no commodious building; no instruments of moving, and removing, such things as require much force; no knowledge of the face of the earth, no account of time; no arts; no letters; no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear, and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.”

To summarize: College Station. A place without culture or arts, without society or industry, without letters or navigation, a place that is entirely devoid of what most of us consider humanity. A place for aggies.

Let me tell you a little bit about them:

These people do not walk on grass because, somehow, that offends the spirit of the military dead or something.

These people fetishize Collie dogs, celebrating their deaths with elaborate funerals and a whole pet cemetery.

But Heather, I have already bought you dinner twice -- can't we at least try third base?

These people respond to handsigns and calisthenics delivered by men wearing white coveralls who look like the attendants in some animal operating room or the set moving crew at a wedding convention.

These people inexplicably identify with the “Old Army” (presumably the one with no gays and segregated units?) despite being an ostensibly public institution of learning.

These people call themselves “farmers,” sowing and reaping monocultural fascism rather than crops I'd guess.

These people willing grasp their own testicles during football games.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-hxgh37o6I

These people like to stand and touch each other (in a VERY masculine manner) while vigorously rocking back and forth semi-rhythmically and celebrating their culture of envying the University of Texas.

These people exaggerate a southern accent while participating in ritual football chants.

These people support and nurture an internal community of college kids whose highest and best hopes as seniors involve wearing custom jackboots and carrying a sword while “Elephant Walking.”

Oh, we're going to hump something alright . . .

These people have elevated the inherent homoeroticism of men carrying and then throwing other men into a fountain of water into a football-related ritual.

Merman -- I'm a Mer-man.

These people celebrate shaved heads, presumably as badges of lice-free status in a place of questionable hygiene.

These people fear the overt sexuality and licentiousness of female cheerleaders.

Jazz Hands!!!

These people get “fired up” when men tell other men to “hump it.”

These people have a faux-martial marching band, complete with faux-martial outfits, that apparently only knows one song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uv-gNcI2L88&feature=related

These people love Christian rock.

These people smell disturbingly like either Old Spice or Aqua Velva, at least in groups.

These people only admitted women to their school in the 60’s; it’s arguable whether this concession has actually yielded results since then.

These people still love Garth Brooks.

These people thought “Hands on a Hard Body” was a documentary about a typical high school “After Prom.”

These people celebrate a culture of male jewelry.

Nice ring, guy.

These people will keep pleated Dockers around indefinitely.

These people have a wide stance.

It is impossible to capture all of the strange aspects of the cult-like barrenness that surrounds the agricultural school in College Station (No, not Blinn – the one without the football tradition). Suffice it to say, they are doing their dead-level best to stand in the way of progress and produce a continual army of Rick Perrys. They are the reason why the great State of Texas is frequently mocked internationally.

While I understand that a childhood of castrating animals can lead to a certain callousness, I have never heard a rational explanation for this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82P6RPF421Y&NR=1

In short, these people are not like us. Not at all. And they must be stopped. Sure, over the history of the game it’s barely been a rivalry (they have a healthy 31.6% winning percentage against us, WHOOP!), but if we don’t stomp the hell out of them this game we will have to hear about it for awhile since we aren’t going to play them anymore. With typical aggie foresight, they have chosen to identify themselves with the Ol’ Miss Rebels and the South Carolina Gamecocks rather than the teams that they have regularly played over the last 100 years. Suits me.

I am tired of pretending like their school and its weird little traditions matter. I’m well past tired of hearing them talk. Hobbes believed there was only one solution to backwardness. The Leviathan – an entity with a wholesale monopoly on authority and the exercise of power – must step in and bring light to the darkness, end the brutality of the unwashed savages, and impose order on the chaos. We are the Leviathan. Let’s impose some order on this shit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izT9BXjAvdA

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Comments

No better way to say goodbye than to beat their aggy ass at Pyle…HOOK EM!!!

by crash on Nov 22, 2011 4:58 AM CST reply actions

You forgot one!

These aggies who will beat your ass on Thursday.

You don’t have a chance. Fleshfacevirus McGirlyarm? Ash (no nickname yet – maybe he’ll earn one)? You’re in trouble, the aggies are going to destroy you. You can’t score, you’ll make our defense look good.

It won’t be close.

And wrap that warm feeling of superiority around yourselves when you AD claims you can’t play us anymore. I am sure we will be courteous and never mention the fact that we own scoreboard at our stadium and yours over the next 5 to 10 years or whenever you get around to scheduling us.

by Running aggie on Nov 22, 2011 6:03 AM CST reply actions

Running Aggie,

75-37-5. Now GTFO.

by Kasey on Nov 22, 2011 6:24 AM CST reply actions

great work.

effective way to keep aggies from reading it too.
95% of em are still stuck on sounding out le-vi-a-than

by PVogel on Nov 22, 2011 6:24 AM CST reply actions

Childish name calling of a 19 year old collegiate quarterback. Good job of proving Toadvine’s point.

We cannot play you anymore because (1) we must play all Big 12 schools in a round robin format, (2) we have already scheduled non conference opponents through 2018 and (3) NCAA rules prohibit more than 12 non bowl games. Really, even an Aggie should be able to understand this.

Hook em.

by All The Pretty Longhorns on Nov 22, 2011 6:34 AM CST reply actions

Way to represent the Corps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOJxUeyhhpQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

by 40 Acres and a Mule on Nov 22, 2011 6:47 AM CST reply actions

Sabre thrust at SMU Cheerleader:
http://youtu.be/i0vsZHlEzx8

by 40 Acres and a Mule on Nov 22, 2011 6:51 AM CST reply actions

Training the Youth:
http://youtu.be/XHEJQdnKz1c

by 40 Acres and a Mule on Nov 22, 2011 6:53 AM CST reply actions

Actual Facebook photos posted by Corps Members accompanied by special version of Aggie War Hymn: http://youtu.be/3AOgN-4QnZ4

by 40 Acres and a Mule on Nov 22, 2011 6:55 AM CST reply actions

You can’t play us anymore because it doesn’t work for your schedule. Or we left the conference and you are sticking up for Baylor.Or the game isn’t as important as your OU game. Or it gives us a high profile game in Texas and might hurt your recruiting.

You can’t play us anymore because you don’t want to admit you can’t beat us. Call us homos and sheepfuckers all you want, the nation views you as pussies.

by Aggie Lurking on Nov 22, 2011 7:44 AM CST reply actions

I just assumed we did it for spite. I’m cool with that, by the way.

by Toadvine on Nov 22, 2011 7:49 AM CST reply actions

“they have chose to identify themselves with the Ol’ Miss Rebels and the South Carolina Gamecocks "

Apparently, the Aggie belief is that identifying with the old south will help their urban recruiting.

by TaylorTRoom on Nov 22, 2011 7:50 AM CST reply actions

I only say this once a year, and at Rose Bowl sitings:

GO HORNS!!!!!!

by Philly Frog on Nov 22, 2011 7:55 AM CST reply actions

Texas A&M doesn’t have a significant enough presence in the nation’s consciousness to influence the nation’s view of Texas.

by Oreo on Nov 22, 2011 7:57 AM CST reply actions

Like CTJ’s mudhole posts of yore.

Does anyone have the link to that hilarious Tiger Droppings thread during the Ag’s SEC announcement? It was pure liquid gold.

by jc25 on Nov 22, 2011 8:20 AM CST reply actions

Running Aggie, look at the current BCS standings—all three are in the SEC West. Have a nice day!

by 2th DK on Nov 22, 2011 8:47 AM CST reply actions

Wow! That’s a lot of male culture. Maybe they see themselves more akin to the Romans complete with baths minus all the actual conquering.

by kemit on Nov 22, 2011 9:05 AM CST reply actions

The whole myth of Aggie “Tradition” is, well, a myth. Aggies don’t have tradition. Tradition includes a culture and history of excellence, of representing your university with dignity. Texas has tradition. Notre Dame has tradition. Michigan and Ohio State have tradition. USC has tradition.

Aggies have rituals. A series of clownish, myopic tasks that insiders can’t explain and outsiders don’t care about. Rituals that attempt to project to the world a sense of togetherness and meaning but instead represent a destructive single-mindedness.

by hornshornshorns on Nov 22, 2011 9:25 AM CST reply actions

Kemet
“Maybe they see themselves more akin to the Romans "
I suggest it is moe Greek than Roman

by oletnhorn on Nov 22, 2011 9:29 AM CST reply actions

“more”

by oletnhorn on Nov 22, 2011 9:30 AM CST reply actions

Scared.

by Jagvocate on Nov 22, 2011 9:31 AM CST reply actions

Well said.

I have a neighbor well into his eighties; this man is a TCU alum and we have enjoyed many fruitful discussions of college football at the point where our lawns meet.

Once, his son showed up and as he was getting out of the car, we had this exchange

Neighbor: That’s my son. He’s an Aggie.
Me: Well, now… we won’t hold that against him.

by Louis L'am Jones on Nov 22, 2011 9:48 AM CST reply actions

this is a win win situation. If we win the game, we can all smile and have an extra drink. If we lose, we can smile and have an extra drink, because we will never have to travel to College Station again for a game.

by codaxx on Nov 22, 2011 10:20 AM CST reply actions

These people love Christian rock.

That killed me.

by Sailor Ripley on Nov 22, 2011 10:58 AM CST reply actions

That was one of my favorites as well. Particularly since my first cd growing up was “Supernatural” by DC Talk. I’m intimately aware with what the implications of the statement.

by Nickel Rover on Nov 22, 2011 11:05 AM CST reply actions

All good college football rivalries are basically Athens and Sparta, the battle of culture versus agriculture (though, in Alabama/Auburn’s case, the difference is relative).

We lose none of this with amu. We still have the paperclips.

by spider on Nov 22, 2011 11:35 AM CST reply actions

Well played Toadvine, well played.

by TexanNick on Nov 22, 2011 12:36 PM CST reply actions

Appreciate the sentiment…well written and hiliarous too, but nothing short of hiring Jules (possibly Omar) to recite Ezekiel 25:17 and murdering every last Aggie will ever make it stop. Winning this game will not change anything. Nothing ever will. Thats the beauty of Aggie. Perspective.

by n-ea on Nov 22, 2011 12:49 PM CST reply actions

Sad that the last video would now be a 15 yard penalty and automatic first down

by ut-06 on Nov 22, 2011 1:03 PM CST reply actions

@ 40 Acres and a Mule – Thanks for the youtube clips. The indoctrination of the youth was especially hilarious.

by Joetx on Nov 22, 2011 5:00 PM CST reply actions

I would give my left nut to win this game. Like, seriously.

by trkhorn on Nov 22, 2011 5:36 PM CST reply actions

ut06:

As I recall, Westbrook did get a penalty, abeit an unsportsmanlike conduct for excessive celebration. The flag came in very late.

by Jake Lonergan on Nov 22, 2011 6:47 PM CST reply actions

Jake…

I think ut06 is referring to the hit… which it probably would get flag today! The unsportsmanlike penalty isn’t an automatic 1st down like the personal foul, unnecessary roughness is….

by HotRod on Nov 22, 2011 6:54 PM CST reply actions

Here’s the Aggie War Hymn version accompanied by Corps Facebook photos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0IdWTJYrHQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

by 40 Acres and a Mule on Nov 22, 2011 9:26 PM CST reply actions

Whatever the score on Thursday, Aggie is gone for good. So we win.

by BEHorn on Nov 22, 2011 11:44 PM CST reply actions

Always love the claim that Aggie states that UT can’t beat them.

Last time I checked, A&M was 5-10 against UT in the history of the Big 12

5-10, against your biggest rival, that your entire tradition rests upon.

The only thing funnier is the Aggie boards where they demand the SEC give them a Thanksgiving Day game and the best of the cross-divisional rivals, not giving any thought that this is its own conference, traditions and rivals. It will be interesting when they realize that they are the second coming of Vandy and are treated accordingly.

by Finkle is Einhorn on Nov 23, 2011 12:11 AM CST reply actions

I also fully expect arson and some level of rioting from these people after the game…. I get the sense that they’re on a “road rage” type level, allowing total disregard for normal personal consideration and behavior.

Glad to be done with the Ags. They just hate Texas, flat out, so much so that it’s not really an enjoyable rivalry. Fleshfacevirus McGirlyarm? Really? Bob Stoops has never looked like such an awesome, upstanding guy. So tiring.

by tackchevy on Nov 23, 2011 11:49 AM CST reply actions