The Nutless Husband's Guide to Hosting a Super Bowl Party

The BrickHorns will be hosting a Super Bowl party again this year. Against my wishes. The wife has put her foot down, presumably to show once and for all who's the boss in this relationship.

It's not enough that my kick-ass guitar rig has been relegated to a small slice of basement real estate between the kids' craft table and the kids' craft supplies storage cabinets. Or that my gun collection remains uselessly unloaded, trigger-locked and secured in a safe instead of loaded with illegal Ukrainian-made anti-personnel rounds and stashed in various strategic locations throughout the house. Or that my once-bitchin' Ibanez superstrat is now bedazzled with glitter glue, pipe cleaners, and googly eyes.

No. The annual obedience training is not complete until I spend Super Bowl Sunday pretending to give a shit about the idiotic sports opinions of some dizzy divorcee from BrickWife's book club.

"Oh, there's a big football game this Sunday! You know what would be fun? Inviting over a dozen of my friends who know nothing about football. That way, an unending stream of asinine female blathering will fill the living room air while you try to watch the game."

I'm sure many of you find yourselves in a similar predicament. Barking Carnival is a magnet for sniveling, spineless husbands. If you're nodding in agreement, then you're the kind of henpecked shitbag whose wife is already picking out matching holiday sweatshirts for next year's Christmas letter.

You make me sick.

And, yes. The missus and I will be wearing red sweatshirts with Rudolph on them. Complete with a battery-powered red nose!

Back to this Sunday's torture. As submissive cowards, it helps to be prepared for these little emasculation sessions. Here are a few simple rules to follow during a wife-organized Super Bowl party.

1. You may not watch the game.

A football game will appear on the television for the duration of your party. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO OBSERVE THIS GAME. Doing so will only distract from your many other duties as involuntary host of this nominal football game-watching party.

For instance, you are required to grill organic, free range, fair-trade chicken burgers and some bullshit vegan tofu patty. You are in charge of mixing alcoholic drinks you would never drink. They will have chocolate or green apple flavor in them. You will be called upon to unclog a toilet that has been blocked by an industrial-sized feminine hygiene product made from environmentally-friendly 100% Peruvian fair trade organic wool. (Guess what's not water soluble? 100% Peruvian fair trade organic wool!)

All of these duties will require you to stray far from the television. When you are actually free to sit within sight of the TV screen, you still may not watch the game. During this time, you are obligated to listen attentively while a white wine-swilling hag drones on and on about her new home-based beaded jewelry business. "The beads are hand-crafted in Peru and fair trade certified!" Marvelous.

2. Observe the strict code of silence.

Under no circumstances are you to talk during commercials. This is a strict rule and, should you defy it, your guests are expected to note their displeasure at your rudeness by loudly "SHHHH!"-ing you. In your own house. For talking during a fucking Kia commercial.

On the other hand, loud, irrelevant conversation during the game is encouraged. It is especially appropriate for five or more women, scattered in various locations throughout the living room, to loudly discuss a topic completely unrelated to football at all times during game play. To ensure that this important conversation about the Golden Globes or Amy Tan or the amazing strides the Peruvians have made thanks to fair trade practices does not spill over into the commercial break, it is preferred that up to six women all talk at precisely the same time.

3. Respect your guest's sports opinions.

Everyone is entitled to voice his or her opinion on the game and its participants. It says so right in the Constitution! So you must respect these opinions by nodding and issuing a pleasant response such as "The umpires failed to award the Patriots their seven points for a touchback, you say? What an astute observation!" or "You're right. The camera angle creates an optical illusion that makes the Giants appear the same size as players on the non-giant team."

You are not to roll your eyes, shout "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???" or guffaw and incredulously ask "You serious?" in response to a guest's idiotic opinion. Besides, you're not even watching the game, anyway. So who are you to insist that Tom Brady does not "hold the NFA record for punting field points?"

4. Socialize with your wife's friends' husbands.

The guests are not your friends. Your friends play sports. They watch sports. They know something relevant about sports and occasionally say interesting or humorous things about sports. This often happens while you are watching consequential sporting events with them.

Your friends were not invited, however, because they are neither sensitive nor saddled with enough self-loathing to marry one of your wife's overbearing girlfriends. So shut up and talk to Captain Jerkoff over here about classical music. Or yoga. Or the plight of transgender migrant farmers in the American southwest.

Talk to this alleged "man" about anything but the fucking biggest football game of the year while said game is playing on a television you're not allowed to watch.

And don't forget to compliment him on his purple turtleneck. It's made of 100% Peruvian fair trade organic wool!

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