Big 12 Recap: Week 5 - Tote Bags & Tiaras

Brett Deering - Getty Images

There were only four Big 12 games in action last week, and you probably watched two of them. The winners of those two contests, West Virginia and Texas, square off this week in a sort of mid-season intra-league Heisman Hunger Games death match. That's how stubhub is promoting it anyway, and there are plenty of great tickets available for just $395!

TOTE BAGS

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Will David Ash enter Hulk Mode against WVU? Count on it. h/t ACE@BC

Terrance Williams | WR | Baylor - If you wanted to claim that Terrance Williams is the best player in the Big 12, I would have no argument. All he did against WVU was haul in a school record 17 catches for 314 yards and 3 TDs. In a losing effort. Ouch. Williams is moving quickly up Mel Kiper's draft board into mid first round territory, while Todd McShay has inexplicably dropped him off the board just to spite Mel and confound you, college football fan. Season stats through four games: 34 receptions, 667 yards, 6 TDs, first in FBS in receiving YPG (167). Williams is the best in the league at hauling in tough catches with a DB draped over him, and it's usually in the endzone, reminiscent of Andre Johnson at Miami. But Nick Florence has way better hair than Ken Dorsey.

Geno Smith, Stedman Bailey & Tavon Austin | WVU - A trifecta of Afoletes. You've already seen the box score and the ESPN ticker tape against Baylor. Gaming metaphors no longer suffice. It was more like a game of ACC hoops mixed with Arena League sizzle. It was also slightly embarrassing to watch. After watching film on these guys all week, Diaz suggested the following tactic in an LHN interview on how to slow these guys down. Could not tell if serious:

  • Fashion three voodoo dolls in their likeness.
  • Marinate overnight in moonshine or similar homestyley still.
  • Tie them down to an old couch in your backyard with twine.
  • Set the fucker on fire.
  • Tackle it until flames are extinguished.

The matchup between Sted-mon gwaan ruf dem up fe six vs Sir Carrington Lock Down Babylon Byndom should be particularly compelling. Accept in advance that Stedman and Bailey will combine for at least five touchdowns and set your expectations appropriately from there. If they hit the over, we're in trouble.

David Ash & Jaxon Shipley | Texas - After a relatively quiet start to the season, Jaxon torched the OSU secondary on a highly efficient 5 / 82 / 3 TDs. To what do we owe this new deep ball chemistry? Going balls deep in Brownsville isn't really their thing. And they aren't roommates, but their on-field chemistry is approaching Forgetting Sarah Marshall I Love You, Man. levels. A deep bond has been forged, and soon Brent Musburger will forget McCoy to Shipley ever existed...


Texas Tech's Defense - The Red Raiders lead the nation in total defense, allowing only 167 yards per game. And the second-ranked team isn't all that close. Alabama is allowing a very sloppy 192 yards per game. It's not just an Air Raid on the high plains any more, there's a little defense being played as well thanks to new DC Art Kaufman. We'll bring dedfischer in soon to examine this rare phenomena under a microscope. One thing we're guaranteed to find is Chlamydia but we're witnessing real time darwinism in Lubbock and Tech is climbing up the Big 12 food chain quickly. Note to future opponents: Lubbockians cannot resist the culinary siren that is Carl's Jr. Use this misdirection to steal a road victory. Will Uncle Rico be up to the task? Survey says ... nein.

TIARAS


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The Sooners have donned a Tiara many times before in Lubbock ...

Steele Jantz | QB | Iowa State - The Jantz was held to 73 yards on 10 of 20 passing to go with three interceptions and a fumble by 'Merica's #1-ranked Texas Tech Red Raider defense. Just repeat that a few times. It's hard to get your head around and thankfully someone will drop 580 yards and six touchdowns on the Red Raiders this season and you won't have to contemplate this anomalous statistic. The Jantz and Paul Rhoads get back to work against a rudderless TCU squad, drifting through sewage with a broken mast and taking on water fast thanks to...

Casey Pachall | Former QB | TCU - Pachall was arrested for DWI last night after running a stop sign, hopping a curb, and blowing a .15 BAC. The JUST FIX IT MAKE IT GO AWAY GARY texts went unanswered this time and Patterson finally stepped up to the plate, issuing an indefinitely indefinite suspension, later to be reevaluated, in the desperate case that Pachall might be needed to win a game this season. Or next. That didn't sit well with anybody possessing a heart, brain, and a pulse (or one of the three); so Patterson clarified a few hours later that Pachall should not be allowed to hide and will suit up but not play against Iowa State this weekend. How about finally kicking the guy off your fucking team? How many chances does a drug dealing, drug using, repeat offender deserve? Five, apparently. Spare us any sanctimony, TCU fans. I will enjoy watching the Horned Frogs lose seven of their next eight games, swirling the drain Arkansas-style before they ever had a chance in the Big 12. Go Cyclones.

Week 6 Lineup

Kansas @ Kansas State | 6 p.m.

Iowa State @ TCU | 2:30 p.m.

Oklahoma @ Texas Tech | 2:30

West Virgina @ Texas | 6 p.m. | FOX (get ready for more Erin Andrews trying REALLY hard to be an anchor)

BC TAILGATE INFO

We're expecting a record turnout for the first official BC tailgate of the season. We've got a cool front rolling in tonight, with a high around 80 tomorrow and some girls from Twin Peaks (the restaurant, not the show) will be on hand to serve your adult beverages. Budweiser has donated six cases of beer, four of which will be consumed by The General. I'll make sure something that's actually drinkable makes it in the cooler as well. We willingly accept any offerings from Russian River Brewery, Founders, O'Dells, The Bruery, or Firestone Walker.

I'm smoking a two pork butts, Shuttlesworth will commandeer his Houston Hibache (it folds up into a silver briefcase), and Eric Nahlin will remind you all why his handle was Tipsy Gypsie. It's a Recruitocosm reunion! With a little Inside Texas flavor. If there's anybody still alive from hornfans, bring them too.

This week's guest of honor will be none other than Nobis60, our very own Ken Follett with slightly better fantasy football skills.

Keep a ten foot clearance lest you enjoy arm wrestling contests after getting dosed with some of TCU's finest acid. nordberg has arranged to have someone cover his shift at Lowe's and will likely have lil pervberg in tow. If you see a really old dude in a concho belt, it's probably srr50. Asking him about projected TV ratings is a good conversation starter. If that doesn't work, let him critique your office golf swing. brickhorn is guaranteed to show up with a six pack of sparkling water because he has to go to work on Tuesday.

Hoping to see some of our fine new readers out there. We'll be taking target practice on West Virginia mullets with Civil War era muskets while wearing coonskin hats in honor of the day Geno Smith's Heisman hopes died a sudden death.

Lay the points, Texas shall prevail on the morrow.


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