2012 College Football Bowls Preview, Shanghai-style

Leon Halip

Bowls.

We asked our man in Shanghai, who has actually seen some of these teams play, to give us his thoughts on the bowl games this season. Here they are. - S.R.

GILDAN NEW MEXICO BOWL
Nevada vs Arizona

All the fun of going to New Mexico! I wouldn't sit through this game
for a pound of blue meth. Arizona? Sure. Arizona.


FAMOUS IDAHO POTATO BOWL
Toledo vs. Utah State

Idaho is known for potatoes. Potatoes are usually associated with
Idaho. This is what makes them famous. No need to throw all the extra
words on the 'Tater Bowl. Utah State will win because one time I
roomed with a guy from Utah State who was the whitest, most Mormony
person I'd ever met and his mom had left the family to live with a
black guy named Daryl who wouldn't let him visit the house to see his
mom any more. This one's for you, guy whose name I've forgotten.


SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA BOWL
BYU vs. San Diego State

Yet another verbose bowl title. THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE FLOWERS
GENTLEMEN, START YOUR PRUNING. SDSU will win because all they're at
home. All they had to do was tiptoe through a few poinsettia fields to
get to the game.


BEEF 'O' BRADY'S BOWL ST. PETERSBURG

UCF vs. Ball State

Beef O'Brady, if he were a real person, would be an obese Irishman
with breath smelling of sour milk and whisky and with greasy, unkempt
red hair. Balls Tate.


R+L CARRIERS NEW ORLEANS BOWL

ECU vs. Louisiana-Lafayette

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who wins this or what I say about
it or what you think about it. It's going to happen and we have to
accept that. Lala wins I guess, not that it matters.


MAACO BOWL LAS VEGAS

Washington vs. Boise State

No matter how many colleges come calling, Boise State coach Chris
Peterson has never had his heart swayed from loving BSU - but all that
will change when he meets Chantrelle, a hooker with a heart of gold.
In theaters this Christmas. Boise State loses as Peterson shows up 2
hours late for the game and is then very confused and sad.


SHERATON HAWAII BOWL

Fresno State vs. SMU

Hey, you're in Hawaii. Why waste that time sitting in a football
stadium? Go drink on the beach and get familiar with some tanlines,
son. SMU.


LITTLE CAESARS BOWL

Western Kentucky vs. Central Michigan

THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE CRAZY BREAD! I used to live near a
drive-through Little Caesar's in the West Ashley part of Charleston,
SC where you could get a pepperoni pizza in like 3 minutes for $4.99.
So yeah I got pretty fat that summer. WKU wins because the Hilltopper
most resembles my body type during that period.


MILITARY BOWL - PRESENTED BY NORTHROP GRUMMAN

San Jose State vs. Bowling Green

Congratulations on winning the game, San Jose State. Now, as per your
contractual agreement with our bowl, the entire team will board a
cargo plane to join the fight in Afghanistan against a real opponent!
SJSU


BELK BOWL
Cincinnati vs. Duke

This bowl is just as good as anything you'd buy at Belk! This would be
a great game if it was basketball. Say, 1998-99 Great Alaska Shootout.
Otherwise, no. Natti.


BRIDGEPOINT EDUCATION HOLIDAY BOWL

Baylor vs. UCLA

I don't know where this is being held or what Bridgepoint Education
is. Holiday Bowl? Sounds pretty PC to me, if you know what I mean.
BIRTH OF JESUS BOWL where you at?


AdvoCare V100 INDEPENDENCE BOWL

Ohio vs. Louisiana-Monroe

AdvoCare V100? That's either a high-test motor oil, or a senior care
center that sponsored a 100 mile stock car race. Or a stock car race
where every driver is 80+ years old and the gas pedals are bolted to
the floor so they can't go all slow and shit like seniors are wont to
do. I would rather watch that than this bowl. I'd rather watch that
than ANY bowl. Louisiana Monroe?


RUSSELL ATHLETIC BOWL
Rutgers vs. Virginia Tech

ACC ACC ACC ACC ACC ACC ACC ACC. No, I'm not rooting for the Hokies, I
am just assuming Rutgers is part of the ACC by now. But also, yes,
Hokies.


MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL OF TEXAS

Minnesota vs. Texas Tech

HEY THERE FOOTBALL FANS HAVE YOU GREASED YOUR BEARING AXLES OR
WHATEVER TODAY? WE'RE GOING TO TAKE AN HOUR BREAK FROM THIS GAME SO
YOU CAN GO REFILL YOUR WIPER FLUID. GO. Texas Tech.


BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
Rice vs. Air Force

This whole thing feels kind of slanted against Rice. I mean, it's the
Armed Forces bowl sponsored by a goddamned helicopter company, they're
playing Air Force, and there are snipers stationed on the upper deck
of the stadium aiming at the Owls. Harsh. Air Force wins of course,
and we witness the first ever QB to Predator drone touchdown pass.


NEW ERA PINSTRIPE BOWL
WVU vs. Syracuse

This is in Yankee Stadium or whatever right? Sponsored by New Era? Do
the players have to wear their helmets sideways in this game? Also if
you leave the stickers on your new hat, even if you're a black dude
and people are afraid to point it out to you, then you're an asshole.
Also, little known fact, Cuse was considered along with BC, VT, and
Miami during the ACC's previous expansion efforts. Add that to WVU and
you've got two ACC rejects. Which is really, really sad. Winner: not
the ACC.


KRAFT FIGHT HUNGER BOWL

Navy vs. Arizona State

You know what would fight hunger? Taking all the money involved in
holding this turd of a bowl game and giving it to soup kitchens.
Self-righteousness achieved. A-State.


VALERO ALAMO BOWL

Texas vs. Oregon State

I didn't remember this bowl even existed. Texas.


BUFFALO WILD WINGS BOWL

TCU vs. Michigan State

You know what never, ever gets old? When a game goes to overtime and
someone makes a timely, hilarious reference to those Buffalo Wild
Wings. Keep plowing on, comedy geniuses! TCU, in regulation hopefully.


FRANKLIN AMERICAN MORTGAGE MUSIC CITY BOWL

NCSU vs. Vanderbilt

Mid-late December to now be officially renamed ACC Bowl Days. Everyone
will wear white pants and blazers and straw hats and Vandy's fans will
actually fit in jusssst fine. Vandy, I guess?


HYUNDAI SUN BOWL

USC vs. Georgia Tech

I didn't know Hyundai was still a thing. Great fit for Georgia Tech,
the Hyundai of football. USC wins because why the shit is a 6-7 team
in the postseason anyway?


AutoZone LIBERTY BOWL

Iowa State vs. Tulsa

Iowa State and Tulsa. Just good old fashioned Midwestern values.
Drinkin' and fightin' and explorin' sexuality on Beale Street. Enjoy
it, boys. Tulsa.


Chick-fil-A BOWL
LSU vs. Clemson

The last time I went to this bowl, Clemson handily defeated the
Tennessee Volunteers. I mostly remember the crazy preachers outside of
the stadium telling us "JESUS IS BETTER THAN YOUR FOOTBALL, BOYS."
Which is debatable at best. Also we went to a strip club / restaurant
/ double wide trailer on the way home where there were no preachers
around to dissuade us from entering. LSU.


TAXSLAYER.com GATOR BOWL
Mississippi State vs. Northwestern

I'm sorry but I fell asleep trying to think of something to say about
the Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl. Winner: slumber.


HEART OF DALLAS BOWL
Purdue vs. Oklahoma State

The Heart of Dallas? WTF? I imagine with their diet of red meat,
cigarettes, and crude oil slurpees the Heart of Dallas has a lot of
plaque buildup. OKSU.


CAPITAL ONE BOWL

Georgia vs. Nebraska

Hey CapOne, how bout you take some of that money you're going to throw
away on this laugher for UGA and pay my damned credit card off for me?
How bout that, huh?


OUTBACK BOWL
Sakerlina vs. Michigan

*fart noise*


ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY VIZIO
Wisconsin vs. Stanford

The return of crotchety old Barry Alvarez in place of outgoing Badgers
head coach Rob Riggle should make this an interesting game. It sort of
hurt me to type that. Stanford should take this one. This is a quiz
bowl match, right?


DISCOVER ORANGE BOWL

NIU vs. FSU

Ugh. Another gem of a bowl game with an ACC team. The Orange Bowl must
be THRILLED with their recent matchups. FSU, natch.


ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
Louisville vs. Florida

I mean, this should be good, right? It's the Sugar Bowl with a couple
of teams I want to see. Plus the fanbases for these two teams should
be perfectly prepared for the boozy New Orleans lifestyle. Also, if
you're not from NO and you pronounce it Nawlins then you're a jerk.


TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Oregon vs. Kansas State

Green and purple, huh? Sorta like weed! And after that I'll eat a
bunch of Tostitos because I'll have the munchies! HAHA... yeah we have
fun. *cough* *avoids eye contact* K State


AT&T COTTON BOWL

Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma

This is one of the bowls I am most anticipating. Johnny Heisman Hype
versus whoever plays for Oklahoma these days. Neat. This one should be
real neat. Neat-o. TAMU.


BBVA COMPASS BOWL
Pitt vs. Ole Miss


GODADDY.com BOWL

Kent State vs. Arkansas State

The BBVA Compass and GoDaddy.com Bowls are like people who walked into
the wrong party, try to blend end, but ultimately make it awkward for
all involved. What they hell are they even doing hanging around the
BCS Games. You know you don't belong, move your games back a few weeks
you interlopers. Ole Miss and Kent State.


DISCOVER BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Alabama vs. Notre Dame

This game pits the same two programs who are the default team
selections on the NCAA 13 in-store display at the local Wal-Mart. Come
to think of it, Alabama is sort of the Wal-Mart of college football
teams. Notre Dame would be the Target because people think it's funny
to pronounce it weird and they think they're better than everyone else
when they're really just the same shit different package. Bama.

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