Welcome back everyone.
After the long break, which the Pregamer totally spent meticulously researching each and every bowl matchup and not drinking heavily while perfecting inner Busey, we are ready to bring you the hard hitting analysis you’ve come to expect and depend on.
It looks like we’re headed down old San Antonio way for a classic matchup against a dynamic OSU team. We expect the boys in orange and black will be looking for revenge after we stole one from ‘em in Stillwater earlier this year. Fool Gundy once, shame on him, fool Gundy twice, HE’S A MAN, CAN’T GET FOOLED AGAIN.
Wait, what? We’re not playing Oklahoma State this bowl season? Our bad. The Pregamer apologizes for the mixup and that spot on the rug. It’s an honest mistake that could have happened to anyone.
So anyway, OSU v Texas: a battle of titanic proportions. This year saw a much improved OSU team, but the turnaround really has to be credited to the new coaching staff. But we don’t understand how the Buckeyes got around the whole the bowl ban thing. Must be the work of the Burnt Orange Media Conspiracy and the shadow puppeteer - the LHN. Kudos to the cigars upstairs for getting us a great TV matchup.
What’s that? We aren’t playing that OSU either? Well, this is a little embarrassing. The Pregamer should quit writing our thoughts at 2 in the morning on our new iPhone 5’s after downing a bottle of Gluhwein (anyone know how to make an umlaut on an iPhone?). Whatever, we’ve got this all figured out now. By simple process of elimination we have zeroed in on the very exciting matchup about to take place.
Texas v OSU: an underdog, coming off a season seemingly destined for a straight to VHS Disney movie, travels to San Antonio to face The Evil Longhorn Empire. I’ll give credit where credit is due, no one saw Oswego State University sneaking into this spot at the beginning of the season. A season made all the more spectacular by the fact they dissolved their D3 program in 1976 which means...
Screw it. UT is playing someone tomorrow named OSU. Ornery Salmon University? Oval Sand Unix? Orangy Suck Unicorns? We couldn’t care less at this point. The Pregamer is going back to sleep. Wake me up at halftime. Harsin ought to have the game in hand by then.
So you’re playing Oregon State:
Congratulations [Sir or Madam] on your acceptance to play the esteemed Beavers of Oregon State University - voted least crunchy public university in the Pacific Northwest. Oh happy day! You may know us as that team USC occasionally loses to in hilarious fashion, but we are so much more. Here’s a few things you should know:
- Don’t let this depressing study or our broken image alumni page fool you - we have all sorts of great traditions. Like that thing we do when we wave our hands around on first downs. Yep, it’s cool. Go Beavs!
- Our coach is Mike Riley. He took the whole team to In-N-Out after they beat UCLA earlier this year. We are building a statue of the momentous occasion.
- One time we were going to play in the Rose Bowl, but they made us play at Duke. So that happened.
- People get us confused with Oklahoma State. We have no idea how someone could confuse us with that orange and black state school that is consistently overshadowed by by its larger ‘U of’ brethren.
- We are the Beavers. You are not going to come up with a new joke about this, we’ve heard them all. Unless you are a South Carolina Gamecock. Their AD is named Eric Hyman, which is hilarious.
- Unlike some instate rivals, we play Oregon every year in a game we call the Civil War. Yes, we were around during the Civil War. Quit asking. Had an all-whites clause in the constitution and everything. Not our best moment. Actually our worst.
- Timothy S. Leatherman went here. He invented - wait for it - the Leatherman. You’re welcome world. *Drops mike, walks out of building*
Movie of the week:
Les Miserables: Did you know that for this movie installment of one of the most beloved musicals of all time, the director let the actors "do it live?" It’s almost like he was just phoning it in. Like he thought to himself, "Well, we’ve got all the best actors. And the franchise is incredible. It’s got a great history and man, it’s lucrative. Besides, this thing is going to be a hit no matter how little planning we do and I’m going to make millions regardless. So we’re just going to set this thing on coast and I’m going to ride off into the sunset." Hmmm.
Rental of the week:
Caddyshack: A slightly deranged man chases a furry mammal all over the field with disastrous results for well to do club members. We can relate. Here’s to hoping we channel our inner Chevy and that’s just a snickers in the pool.
Better Know a Roster
- Michael Balfour (FB): Knows an easier way to get the team a ring or two.
- Brandon Bennett-Jackson (DT): is all three members of his law firm.
- Chris Brown (RB): will never be referred to as the worst Chris Brown.
- Rusty Fernando (DE): An act still illegal in 8 states.
- Tyler Hasty (CB): Tyler Hasty? More like Tyler PASTY, amiright guys? Get it? Cause he lives in Oregon. And the weather there sucks. Oh, he’s black? I’ll just let myself out.
- Jaswha James (LB) Jordan Jenkins (RB) Jabral Johnson (LB): Interesting fact: all three guys went to the same Jahigh School. Sorry, I’m really gonna let myself out now.
- Keith Kostol (P): future DJ for Smooth Jazz Northwest
- Sean Mannion: is a name I have heard on ESPN before. So that’s something.
- Larry Scott (CB): You’d think moonlighting as Pac 12 Commish would be worth at least 10 wins. Oh well.
Big XII Bowl Predictions
A record 90% of the Big XII is going bowling, here’s how we see things shaking out.
Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas
Texas Tech vs Minnesota
Kingsbury will be in attendance but has left bowl preparations to interim, and former offensive line, coach Chris Thomsen. The Red Raiders are confident that the mere aura du Kliff will lead them to glorious victory. Tech 34, Minnesota 27
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Syracuse vs West Virginia
A healthy dose of the Orange completes WVU’s recovery from their bout with scurvy in the second half of the season. Tavon Austin receives official designation as the next step in human evolution: Homo Velocitus. WVU 45, Syracuse 34
Valero Alamo Bowl
Texas vs Oregon State University
Case McCoy lays hands on each of his teammates, transferring his Moxie to his fellow Longhorns. Despite this, Texas rides its talent to a lucky 3 point victory off the foot of Anthony Nick Fera Jordan. Texas 30, Oregon State 27
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl
TCU vs Michigan State
Controversy erupts when a Buffalo Wild Wings contract stipulation forces overtime despite the Spartans ending the 4th quarter with a 4 point lead. TCU walks away with the victory and Dantonio ends up shivving the interfering groundskeeper. Craig James suggests hiding spots. TCU 20, Michigan State 17
Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl
Baylor vs UCLA
We are very confident Baylor will win this one. We just have a feeling Glasco Martin will get 3 TDs, but Seastrunk will outgain him for we'll say... 138 yards? That sounds about right. Put your money on this one. Baylor 49, UCLA 26
Autozone Liberty Bowl
Tulsa vs Iowa State
Hurricanes vs Cyclones. Coaching rumors are swirling as this high pressure rematch approaches. Many think this game will blow, but an Iowa State win could see a storming of the field. Forecast says no. Tulsa 30, Iowa State 24
Heart of Dallas Bowl
Oklahoma State vs Purdue
OSU is super excited to visit Dallas, the closest civilization to Stillwater. Purdue is happy to be further from South Bend. The Okie’s exuberance wins out. Oklahoma State 38, Purdue 17
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Kansas State vs Oregon
I know three things in life. Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Never pick against a Chip in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. Chip Kelly snacks on Kansas State then promptly hops a one-way flight to Philly. Oregon 52, Kansas State 28
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Oklahoma vs Texas A&M
Remember that this game is all about who loses, not who wins. Silver lining of the bowl season - OU or A&M is going to lose their bowl game and Jerry Jones will watch it all through the cleanest glasses you ever done did see. Texas A&M 31, Oklahoma 28