The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Is Here

And it will cause some issues with your special lady friend if you don't play it right. I have some cautions for you. Read on. You'll thank me for it. And so will Kate.

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No matter how intently the special lady appears to be watching Nancy Grace or Sex In The City 2, she is watching you read this magazine and gauging every minute dilation of your pupils.

DO NOT...

  • Slap your wife heartily on the ass, throw down the magazine triumphantly and exclaim, "Thought you might want to see what a real woman looks like. Ha ha ha! Totally fucking with you. You know I think you're pretty cute."
  • Commiserate with your partner about the unrealistic images depicted within by helpfully offering that airbrushing would eliminate her largish forehead, emerging crow's feet, and crunch-resistant marsupial gunt pocket...and then she could be a model too!
  • Stare at the magazine intently. Stare at your girlfriend intently. Stare at the magazine intently. Stare at your girlfriend intently. Sigh. Rub eyes. Shrug.
  • Point at Kate Upton cover and proclaim: "I'm so tired of these flawless water nymphs with perfect supple breasts and taut, needy bellies being foisted upon us by the media." Pause. Solemnly: "You have character and that counts for a lot."
  • (wagging a finger at her) "These Danes and Brazilians are overrated! Give me sensible, hardy New England stock any day! Thoroughbreds are nuts! A reliable mule for life's mountain trails, I say."
  • Sprint through the front door with a hard-on clutching the mail in one hand and Chinese take-out in the other, tie loosened, sweating profusely, yelling,"IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! OH BOY!" followed by a spirited dance/run around the coffee table.
  • Throw the magazine disgustedly across the living room. "Teases! What's the point? I doubt they'd even answer my Tweets. Then what do I do - physically stalk them? No thanks - don't need the jail time. Not flying to Cape Town."
  • "I bet a lot of these women eat paleo and do spin classes. You ever thought about something like that, honey? Or do you think it's just that they're very young and genetically flawless?"
  • "As a woman, you'd know if these are real. Either way, total motor boat, right? Am I right? Am I right? High five!"

***

I won't leave you high and dry by merely telling you what not to do. I'm going to help you out with what to do:

DO...

  • "Wow! The Seychelles look gorgeous. Dream destination. Let's look at air fares?"
  • "I like this swimsuit - reminds me of the red one you brought to Kauai last year. SI got the wrong gal, IMHO!" (actually spell out I-M-H-O)
  • "I was expecting Antigua to have white sand. Strange. Isn't most of the Caribbean white sand? The different varieties of sand one finds are fascinating."
  • Leaf through pages disinterestedly. Toss into trash. "According to their profiles, not a single one of these girls is a reader. Absurd." Circle back later to remove from trash.
  • Put bikini on your family pet. Call pet in to break tension when you reach Irina Shayk layout.
  • While flipping through the photos, imitate each model in the accent of her country of origin but always say: "My name Elena. I like to make sport very much. I eat rice cake. Now give me cocaine!"

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