2012 NFL Draft: You've Got Ross

[Phone Rings]

Secretary_medium Sir, call on line 1.

Stephenross_medium You've got Ross.

Joephilbin_medium You've...uhh...got, well. Philbin.

Stephenross_medium Regis! How are you, old chap? Still making millionaires out of thin air, eh, Reege?

Joephilbin_medium Uhh, no sir. Joe. This is Joe. Philbin.

Stephenross_medium Joe? Joe...

Joephilbin_medium Your head coach, sir? Of the Dolphins?

[Silence]

Joephilbin_medium Of Miami? The Miami Dolphins?

Stephenross_medium Joe! Yes! Terribly sorry. The ol' Rolodex is out of date, if you catch my drift. Thanks for ringing back. I'm letting you know who we're drafting tonight.

Joephilbin_medium Sir? Aren't Jeff and I making that call?

Stephenross_medium Picture this. 112 career receptions. 1,600 receiving yards. 10 touchdowns. GOLD!

Joephilbin_medium Yes, well, I suppose we could use a receiver after you traded Brandon Marshall without my knowledge...

Stephenross_medium WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT RECEIVERS HERE, SON! We're talking about our QUARTERBACK OF THE FUTURE. OF TOMORROWLAND.

Joephilbin_medium But I thought you said receptions...

Stephenross_medium STAY WITH ME JIM. He only PLAYED receiver because he was behind Vince Young. Or Cam Newton. On the depth chart. Someone. I forget. SYNERGIES.

Joephilbin_medium Do you mean...Jerrod Johnson, sir?

Stephenross_medium JOHNSON. Yes, John. Damn fine player. Great name, too. ALLITERATION. Puts all other JAR-ed's to shame.

Joephilbin_medium Mr. Ross, Jer-ROD Johnson wasn't even drafted last year. Undrafted free agent, sir. I, well, I don't know if he's even signed on a team right now.

Stephenross_medium AVAILABLE QUARTERBACK?!? GRACE--get this Jansen kid's agent on line 2. GRACE!!

Secretary2_medium [Sniffs white out]

Joephilbin_medium Sir, you missed my point. He couldn't even beat out--

Stephenross_medium Here's what now. 16 touchdowns. 9 interceptions. 3,000 yards. BOOM. I call him...Tinker.

Joephilbin_medium That's, uhh. Who? What?

Stephenross_medium Blaine. Magic. WITCHCRAFT. TINKER. Those dirty northerners got him TENTH last year. TENTH.

Joephilbin_medium Are you talking about...Jacksonville, Mr. Ross?

Stephenross_medium Jason. Listen. I'm telling you this one time. We don't dignify our enemies by saying their names before we bury them in their graves

Joephilbin_medium Okay...

Stephenross_medium MONEY BALL statistics are at play here. Our boy doubles up their insipid homo sapien excuse of a quarterback.

Joephilbin_medium I do like the kid's 29 touchdown passes last year.. But 15 interceptions...

Stephenross_medium And 3,700 yards! BOOM. Doubled. TIMES TWO. Eighth would be a steal. A STEAL. Real estate ECONOMICS.

Joephilbin_medium But sir, he completed just 50% of his passes against Oklahoma. And 40% against Texas. He threw 6 total interceptions in those two games. Frankly, he looked awful.

Stephenross_medium WINNING. That's what the Twitterites were telling me last summer. Charlie Sheen direct twatted me. WINNING, Jake. It's all about WINNING.

Joephilbin_medium But, did you even read the box score? They lost those games. And four other ones. I mean, Texas A&M was 6 and 6 last year after being a preseason top 10 team! They could barely beat Northwestern, sir. Northwestern. I wasn't even aware Northwestern played real football.

Stephenross_medium MEDIOCRE COACHING. That was his problem. Defeat. Inevitable. Reminded me of the Germans defending the Maginot line. Or Scipio Africanus in that movie about Gladiators and brother-sister relations.

Joephilbin_medium Sir...we, uhh, hired their head coach. He's our offensive coordinator. Mike Sherman. Sir.

Stephenross_medium Sherminator...American Pie. CLASSIC. GRACE. GET ME MY NET FLICKS PASSWORD!

Joephilbin_medium Here's the thing. We didn't even get to see him against live competition in the Senior Bowl. Or how he would perform in the NFL Combine setting. He had a broken foot all spring. Frankly, sir, I'm not sure how he'll hold up against quality NFL competition if he was consistently terrible against any semblance of average to good college defenses..

Stephenross_medium SENIOR BOWL? He didn't even play the quarterback until he was a JUNIOR. Class ranks. Get ‘em straight, Jimmy. MIND BULLETS.

Joephilbin_medium Sir?

Stephenross_medium SHORTS WEATHER. Miami. SOUTH BEACH. He looked tantalizing in his workout. Dynamite areolas. We need the female fanbase! For the footballs!

Joephilbin_medium We, uhh, don't play...the football...in shorts. Sir.

Stephenross_medium CANNON ARM. Smart cookie. Devastatingly handsome. JASON TAYLOR. MARKETING. WINNING. Jiminy fracktack Christmas, running a footballs team is easy.

Joephilbin_medium Sir, if I could...

Stephenross_medium Reminds me of Joe Theismann. You know. Monday Night Football broadcaster. Witty. Insightful. GREAT HAIR. Best Joe I ever met.

Joephilbin_medium The thing is, we have a pretty good quarterback. Matt Moore. He threw 16 touchdowns last year, passed for almost 2,500 yards, had an 87.1 quarterback rating. He was placed in a hard situation after the Henne injury, but he made the best of it. We think we can win with Matt, sir. We don't need to draft a quarterback that high. It's a two-year project...

Stephenross_medium Project? Like a...HOUSING project. My bread and butter. Ooh, James, you really know how to tickle my buttons, don't you? SOLD.

Joephilbin_medium Does Ireland know about this?

Stephenross_medium It's DONE, Jack. ETCHED IN STONE. I've already told PETER KING. Peter BARISTA STARWOOD King. There's no going back now. Tannehill. Write it down. T-A-N-E-Y...umm...H...Y...DONE. No defeat, no SURRENDER!

Joephilbin_medium Oh, dear God.

Stephenross_medium GRACE! JOHNSON. AGENCY. JASON BIGGS. MAXIMUS. THE NET FLICKS. NOW!!

[Dial tone.]

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