Commissioners Propose Additional Changes to College Football

GLENDALE AZ - SEPTEMBER 26: Fans of the Oakland Raiders cheer during the NFL game against the Arizona Cardinals at the University of Phoenix Stadium on September 26 2010 in Glendale Arizona. The Cardinals defeated the Raiders 24-23. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

The blogosphere is abuzz with the recent news that, as of 2014, big-time college football will implement a 4-team playoff. This new system brings NCAA football in line with other sports, both collegiate and professional, that sensibly crown the team who wins its final 3 or 4 games as champion.

Many predict that the addition of a playoff will finally end college football's 140-year run of financial failure and spectator apathy, and bring the kind of stunning success enjoyed by leagues like the XFL, USFL, and WNBA. Experts warn, however, that a playoff alone will not solve college football's problems. The commissioners of major conferences are therefore contemplating additional measures to bring Division I football into closer conformity with professional leagues.

These measures include the following:

  • Implementing exciting "sudden death" overtime, which is tailor-made for a strategic, field-position-oriented game like football.
  • Schools must choose a new fight song to be played over the stadium PA. Allowed options are "We Will Rock You," "Rock 'n Roll, Part II," and "Rock You Like a Hurricane."
  • Jerry Jones named owner and general manager of Notre Dame.
  • Halftime marching band shows to be replaced with lip-synched medley of Aerosmith's greatest hits, performed by Aerosmith and any 2 members of Black Eyed Peas.
  • 7th-minute stretch.
  • Broadcasts must include a graphic of a football-playing robot engaging in various calisthenics. Thanksgiving Day games must also include a graphic of a robotic turkey.
  • Teams may choose from among a wide array of offensive systems, including and limited to the West Coast Offense and the Pro Set.
  • Commissioners to meet annually to discuss relocating the University of Miami (FL) to Los Angeles.
  • During TV timeouts, at least one gorilla must bound off of a trampoline to execute a perfect 360/double-back-flip extra point attempt.
  • All games to be played in slow-motion, with teams wearing 1970s-era Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers uniforms, and with Sam Spence's "Round Up" blaring on a continuous loop.
  • NCAA officers at each stadium will ensure at least 70% of fans garbed in face paint, clown wig, and team jersey. (Due to its unblemished track record of compliance with this rule, Ohio State is exempt from inspection.)
  • Domed roofs to prevent encroachment of game-day atmosphere into the stadium.

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