Coach Saban - Edward Petoole III, Tuskegee Penny Saver - what is it that makes the SEC so amazing and if it were even more amazing, is that even possible? Just an aside: your man-musk is a mix of schnapps and sasquatch-dew!
Coach Dooley - Ricky Muncie, Knoxville Auto Trader - would you describe your 11-14 start at Tennessee as comparable to the situation at Penn State in terms of its effect on me, Ricky Muncie? And if not, then why am I drinking extract, living in my camper, and may now have an *alleged* oxycodone dependency?
Coach Mullen - It's me, The Pig. Now, I told Ed and Them that I wasn't gonna put up with their bullshit no more and they can drink warm piss if they gonna keep runnin' down the Mullen name on DawggyStyle.com. Now guess who did I see at the Optimist's Knuckle Fry? Them boys wouldn't say boo. Put a Marlb in my mouth and I said, hell, y'all feelin' froggy, jump. Get your best cur dog and meet me at the culvert near Rascal Lick and we'll find out who loves Jesus best. Dogs or buck knives, it don't make. All I saw was the back of they overalls. Anyway, just me. The Pig. Hi, Coach!
Coach Freeze - Parker Dilby-Smythe, Jefferson Davis Weekly Reader, Rebel government-in-exile since Colonel Reb was disgracefully removed from Ole Miss in 1983 - Coach, in the acclaimed documentary The Blind Side, it's evident that most of your success is attributable to Leigh Anne Tuohy's play-calling and player development. Do you have another sassy, hard-charging blonde who can obtain peak performance from black youth?
Coach Sumlin - Kenny Raye Elbert, College Station Hullabaloo Herald - I shall now read a prepared statement: EVERYONE IS SO NICE HERE - chokes - AND -- I promised I wouldn't do this -- THE SEC IS THE BEST - I'm not going to cry - AND EVERYONE KNOWS THIS - sniff - AND WE ARE ALL JUST REAL HAPPY TO BE HERE BECAUSE - hold it together, Kenny Raye - NO ONE WILL TALK DOWN TO US AND ROLL THEIR EYES WHEN WE HUMP IT BECAUSE THE SEC HAS A LITTLE THING CALLED DECENCY AND THE T-SIPS ARE VERY CRUEL AND HAVE MOBILIZED SO MUCH OF POPULAR CULTURE AGAINST US. TODAY I CALL YOU ALL BROTHER. THANK YOU. Self-applause. Only person in room clapping.
Coach Franklin - Ricky Muncie, Knoxville Auto Trader - Now I've gotta ask you a question because Vandy plays football in Tennessee, too, though no one could really give a flying shit and it's not going to help me move copy and move paper on this divorce decree that'll have me mortgaging my asshole to Gypsies. So what are your thoughts on The Pistol as a means to run downhill out of the spread, or an actual pistol as a possible solution to this divorce lawyer billin' me $50 an e-mail? Coach, I'm hurtin' bad.
Coach Pinkel - Tad Farth, What's On In Atlanta! weekend insert - Coach, you may have noticed visors are sort of Coach Spurrier's thing and he's a legend and you're this dull yankee that we already hate. Would you consider wearing a bonnet or a Tudorian beefeater?
Switching gears: where would you rank the SEC compared to NATO?
Coach Spurrier - Edward Petoole III, Tuskegee Penny Saver - I noticed you spoke to Coach Saban on the way in and you both kind of laughed and he just looked like Richard Gere with the light glistening off of his platform shoes and impeccable hair, and I guess I'd just like to know, well, what's so funny? Did he ask about me?
Boss Miles - Octavio Robichaux, Breaux Bridge Nutria Pelt - how y'all are? Koman sa va? Ga lee. Aww, me, sha! Boss, some time Bayou Bengal trow de booze bottle at dat Bammy fan at da nigh' game when Mike Da Cat, he growl. But we dronk, ya? Act coo-yon. Bammy fan, he mebbe okay. Mebbe not. C'est la vie, eh? Ah-yiiiii!
Coach Chizik - Ted Blaze, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Mobile, Alabama - I noticed that an inordinate number of national recruits list Oregon and Auburn as finalists and - I'm just ideating here - but is it because of the natural similarities between a rainy, hippie-infested Northwestern jogger mecca and a backwoods agricultural college 2000 miles away? Or could it be that you're both paying the same street agents?
Did I just accidentally perform journalism at a SEC media day? Let me rephrase: Coach Chizik, what makes the SEC so awesome?
Coach Muschamp - Pedro Horowitz, SPF 75 Radio, The Melanoma - you saw firsthand the downside of self-satisfied coaches at Texas when that program fell into the sun despite every natural advantage....and then you immediately hired Charlie Weis to coordinate your offense at Florida. He sucked so hard, his staples burst. Would you describe your actual learning capacity as sub-fungal?
Coach Joker - Pervell Nathan, of the Whitesburg Nathans, Blood Horse Magazine - would you consider installing breakaway rims on the goalposts at Commonwealth?
Coach Smith - Pascall Grimes, Fayetteville AM 1330, The Pig Stye Morning Zoo Crew, featuring Grimey and The Nutsack- after Petrino left in triumphant motor cross with a volleyball concubine mounted defiantly on his crotch rocket, we have since learned that you're bankrupt, speak mostly in loud inanities, and if you ever woke up in a mental institution, it's unlikely you could talk your way out.
Coach, tell it: are you crazy....LIKE A FOX!?!?
Coach Richt - Ricky Muncie, Knoxville Auto Trader - (sigh) exhales I guess you just reach a point where...I dunno.
I feel like my own kids don't even know me, y'know?
takes a long drag, staring into space
I just...it's all a big joke. What are we doing here? What's this? taps microphone And this? throws notepad in the air
Things. Stuff. You seem to have answers. I don't know. What does it all mean? I'm just Little Ricky Muncie from Johnson City. Livin' the dream. laughs ruefully Vols can't even string together a Liberty Bowl run. That's where we are. That's who we are.
Dooley's over there lookin' like a Junior Leaguer's wet dream. You think Bray wants to follow that into Bryant-Denny in front of 93,000 pecker woods?
flicks lit cigarette at Paul Finebaum's head
That's for you, Finebaum, you little shit. Eat it.
security begins to approach...
Anyway. Aaron Murray. Pretty good little quarterback, right?