A Completely Uninformed College Football Top 10

Aug 21, 2012; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Southern California Trojans coach Lane Kiffin at practice at Dedeaux Field. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

I live in China. Shanghai, to be exact. Very, very far from American college football. When I turn on the TV the NBA is about the only American sport getting any press here, sandwiched between highlights of that killer badminton match that took place in Guangzhou last week. You guys caught that one, right? Needless to say, my finger is not really on the pulse of college football. When you are watching the late games Saturday
I will be waking up at the asscrack of dawn, it being Sunday here, and hailing a taxi to go drink bloody marys and watch whatever games the sports bar is carrying. A good morning drunk is always fun, but you miss that all-day or all-weekend bender that college football encourages. Anyway, I looked over the AP Top 10 rankings and now attempt to sum up my feelings about each team based on virtually no prep whatsoever.

USC -

If I hadn't watched a game of football in half a decade I'd think this was business as usual. I've seen plenty of games since then so I am not quite sure if I'm ready, I mean prepared at the core of my very being, to see the Trojans as number one. Lane Kiffin seems plenty weaselly enough to get a team to the top, fast, if yaknawawamean. Yeah whatever, at least it's not an SEC team.

ALABAMA -

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL AND HE SHALL APPEAR. Nick Saban looks around nervously. No, Nick, it's not your shift in Hades right now, chill out you tiny pile of disconcerted frowns. Being head of the Tide does seem like a Faustian tradeoff, does it not? You are guaranteed title after title and a statue in your honor, but you have to be in the middle of Alabama and adored by, well, Alabamans. That swap would give any sober man pause. All that aside, yeah sure Alabama at or near the top.

LSU -

ESPN has a throbbing megahuge sportsboner for the SEC and, in particular, a rematch between the Tigers and Tide for the BCS Championship Game. There's still one of those right? Is that what it's called? I DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS BECAUSE I LIVE IN CHINA. IT'S TOMORROW HERE NOW. LSU fans are probably the only people in the world who eat a larger variety of earth's fauna than do the Chinese.

OKLAHOMA -

I know the Stoops brothers are reunited. I know this because Clemson inherited the third wheel, Brent Venables. I guess people are pretty upbeat about this, and Oklahoma doesn't have to try real hard to field a team of beasts. So... I'm okay with this? Yeah, I'm okay with this.

OREGON -

I'm just going to assume they're wearing the newest in Nike Swoosh Air Mango Pro DE-CLEATE FORCE 5 Dri-Fit something or others. For me, Oregon football is a lot like a Tijuana donkey show; as awful as it looks sometimes it's fun to watch at the time, but afterwards I never want to talk about it again.

GEORGIA -

This has to be some kind of elaborate ruse played on the people of Athens. My buddy gave his drunk, gambling addict father a WORLD'S GREATEST DAD mug one time and the both of us had a long laugh about that, too. A hearty, belly-achingly long guffaw. Also I could've used a "Mark Richt has lost control of..." joke here but I didn't. OR DID I?

FLORIDA STATE -

I base my opinion of Florida State solely on information gathered from FSU fans, so I'm pretty shocked they're not #1 year in and year out. Furthermore a method of ranking a team as something higher than #1, something exponentially better than just plain ol' one. Alas, I went to South Carolina state schools so math makes muh brain hurt. But honestly, FSU should field a team reminiscent of the better Bowden-era squads, which is really saying something. Although FSU fans deserve nothing less than to lose to Wake Forest again.

MICHIGAN -

Somebody gave Michigan one first place vote. I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume it was Beano Cook. Just a gut feeling.

SOUTH CAROLINA -

I don't want to talk about it.

ARKANSAS -

"Hey guys, how many SEC teams do we have in the top 10 so far?"
"Uh, looks like only 4."
"That, that can't be right. Do we have another one lying around? I mean any old SEC team. Just pick a red and white one, nobody will notice. Even if they lost their coach in the offseason, we've got a quota to meet here."

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