(The following was previously published in the September 25 issue of the Knoxville Nickel Trader, found at a Stuckey's or Cracker Barrel near you.)

A recent report from The USA Today indicates that suspended New Orleans head coach Sean Payton might be circumventing his league punishment from the league, by sending secret signals through the local media.

"Nothing cures the feeling from a stunning upset like a Frito pie with a Mexican Coke to wash it down. Or maybe that makes you even sicker. But it's delicious"

Clearly, the Frito Pie is meant to signal that Drew Brees needs to think more in terms of "layered" routes, getting progressively deeper as he checks down through his progressions. The Mexican Cock is an even more blatant signal to the defense: "Sugar Rush" indicates a more straight-up blitz, as the delayed blitzes clearly weren't putting enough pressure on Robert Griffin IIIrd.

With his method of illegal communication now exposed, snacks for offense and drinks for defense, we will reveal the entire code:

Offense:
Frito Pie
- run layered pass combinations
M&Ms
- get the ball out of your hands more quickly
Milky Way
- run the biggest wheel route imaginable
Snickers
- trickeration
Pringles
- Once you pop it in the middle, you can't stop
Candy Cane
- The hook routes were open all night
Laffy Taffy
- stretch plays, son
Banana Split
- adjust the gaps in the O line
$100,000 bar
- bonus for the guy who takes out the sack specialist (secret)
Fresh fruits and vegetables
- Stop playing like brain-dead homos.
Red Hots
- Check to the slot receiver when the blitz comes from that side
Three Musketeers
- trips to one side, all decoy
Chocolate Easter Bunny
- all Out routes (nothing in the middle)
Godiva chocolate
- Naked bootleg
Double Bubble
- Bubble screens

Defense
Mexican Coke
- Sugar rush
7-Up
- 4-man rush, safe, flavorless zone
Jack and Coke
- Jack linebacker blitz
Martini, shaken not stirred
- Blitz, with a spy
Dr. Pepper 10
- Dime package
Coconut rum
- Corners on an island
Pomagranate juice
- Pure Prevent
Prune juice
- Playing like crap!

Okay, what signals is this code missing?