(The following was previously published in the September 25 issue of the Knoxville Nickel Trader, found at a Stuckey's or Cracker Barrel near you.)
A recent report from The USA Today indicates that suspended New Orleans head coach Sean Payton might be circumventing his league punishment from the league, by sending secret signals through the local media.
"Nothing cures the feeling from a stunning upset like a Frito pie with a Mexican Coke to wash it down. Or maybe that makes you even sicker. But it's delicious"
Clearly, the Frito Pie is meant to signal that Drew Brees needs to think more in terms of "layered" routes, getting progressively deeper as he checks down through his progressions. The Mexican Cock is an even more blatant signal to the defense: "Sugar Rush" indicates a more straight-up blitz, as the delayed blitzes clearly weren't putting enough pressure on Robert Griffin IIIrd.
With his method of illegal communication now exposed, snacks for offense and drinks for defense, we will reveal the entire code:
- run layered pass combinations
- get the ball out of your hands more quickly
- run the biggest wheel route imaginable
- Once you pop it in the middle, you can't stop
- The hook routes were open all night
- stretch plays, son
- adjust the gaps in the O line
- bonus for the guy who takes out the sack specialist (secret)
Fresh fruits and vegetables
- Stop playing like brain-dead homos.
- Check to the slot receiver when the blitz comes from that side
- trips to one side, all decoy
Chocolate Easter Bunny
- all Out routes (nothing in the middle)
- Naked bootleg
- Bubble screens
- Sugar rush
- 4-man rush, safe, flavorless zone
Jack and Coke
- Jack linebacker blitz
Martini, shaken not stirred
- Blitz, with a spy
Dr. Pepper 10
- Dime package
- Corners on an island
- Pure Prevent
- Playing like crap!
Okay, what signals is this code missing?