Barking Carnival's 2013 Texas Football Team Banquet Awards

Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

All aboard the Esteem Engine.

The UT football banquet is a travesty.  Everyone gets an award.  Our awards are better.

OFFENSE

BEST QB Shared between Concussed David Ash & Jaxon Shipley.

Concussed David Ash calls audibles that don't exist and will walk dazedly into the opponent huddle, but he still throws off of his front foot and will run a 3rd down draw into a brick wall if that's what the offensive coordinator wants. Oh no, Concussed David Ash is wandering near I-35!  Stop him, someone!  Come back, Concussed David Ash.

Shipley threw the prettiest pass in the last half of the season that occurred outside of a Tri-Delt mixer against Texas Tech.  A little Shipley Wildcat might have been nice against Baylor, but we're saving it for Oregon.

BEST RB Johnathan Gray.  The injured RB was hitting his stride against West Virginia, running with low pads, poise, and explosiveness and...promptly blew out his Achilles.  Football is a cruel whore.  Named Kaley.  Or Kayden. Football will break into your cell phone to read your texts, crash your jet ski, and give you a social disease.

Anyway, 780 yards rushing in 8.5 games splitting carries isn't shabby.

BEST OL Trey Hopkins.  The intelligent, unselfish Hopkins was the Big 12's most athletic guard and key to the Horns inside zone running game against fronts more stacked than King Kong Bundy in a revealing nipple singlet. Honorable mention: Donald Hawkins.

SHINY FUTURE AWARD OT Kennedy Estelle and DT Hassan Ridgeway.  Estelle grew tremendously when pressed into a starting role and Ridgeway will be scary as his technique catches up to his athletic awesomeness.

MOST ENTERTAINING WR Mike Davis' Twitter feed.  Mike Davis the player was good, torching BYU, West Virginia, OSU & Texas Tech, but his Twitter feed is much better - like Tracy Morgan arguing with a homeless man.  Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, PHAT ASSED WHITE GURLS WITH DAT ARMPIT STANK.

BEST TE Geoff Swaim.  Bryan Harsin signed the TE he needed just in time for his departure.  Good riddance to that cancer.  The staff really spread its wings after that hardass left.

BEST OFFENSIVE COACH Stacy Searels' OL weathered multiple injuries, allowed the least number of sacks and pressures in the Big 12, and still managed a decent running game under bad conditions.  Average fan: "They sucked."

DEFENSE

BEST DL Jackson Jeffcoat was awesome down the stretch and Malcom Brown was a load inside.  However, Cedric Reed was the most consistent performer on the entire Longhorn team and his 9 sacks and 4 forced fumbles didn't fully reflect his outstanding work against the run.

BEST LB HA HA HA HA.  I like it when awards have a built-in assumption of merit.

BEST DB Carrington Byndom drew single coverage with no safety help in every game after Greg Robinson took over.  He responded by laying down film that should make NFL GMs take notice.  Average fan: "Sucks.  I saw a guy catch a ball in front of him a couple of times."

BEST DEFENSIVE COACH Greg Robinson.  The former Syracuse and Michigan punchline came in and salvaged a unit moonlighting as a Twyla Tharp dance troupe under Manny Diaz.  Robinson was like Crazy Joe Clarke walking into Eastside High with his baseball bat while throwing the miscreants on stage out expeditiously.  Except he was white, grey-haired, soft-spoken, and was carrying a laminated play sheet.  But you see the similarities.

ANTHONY FERA CATEGORY

BEST SPECIAL TEAMS PERFORMER AWARD Anthony Fera.  He was a reliable scoring spigot, connecting on 20 of 22 field goal attempts.  A veritable Fera Faucet.

ONLY SPECIAL TEAMS PERFORMER AWARD Anthony Fera.

MISCELLANY

BEST REBUILD BY A HEAD COACH AWARD Mack Brown.  Give him credit.  His GM handed him a roster with major holes in it and the owner's two fly-by-night coordinator hires were less than impressive.  And any head coach is hamstrung at a resource poor backwater like Texas.  Only through Brown's mastery of the coaching waiver wire and clever innovation did he overcome the obstacles that the season presented - i.e. Iowa State in Ames etc.  At 8-4, Texas is still well situated to earn the wild card.  Bonnets off to you, Coach Brown!

WORST RICH GUY PR CAMPAIGN FOR MACK AWARD. Joe Jamail and Red McCombs.  Both planted "Keep Mack" stories in the media the week before the Baylor game to set the stage for Mack delivering a job-saving victory and to ensure their anytime access to the program, which includes Mack Brown quoting their wisdom at press conferences, and the team having to listen to their self-indulgent pep talks and golf stories while sitting on their helmets in 103 degree heat.

Jamail added a low key "UT fans are like Al Qaeda, who have slaughtered thousands and are mortal enemies of America" comparison to provide further spice.  After Brown blew their week long groundwork with another three touchdown loss, Jamail - also Brown's personal attorney who negotiated Brown's last two contracts and fields fictitious job interest calls from major programs on his behalf - publicly blamed the loss in Waco on Case McCoy.

Strong work, fellas.

KING SLURP OF THE MONEY TROUGH AWARD DeLoss Dodds.  The bronze open-bottomed piggy bank was well-earned this year. Whether consenting to an ill-advised contract extension for Mack Brown, placing Texas in a conference where Texas provides all of the televisions and media interest while the conference provides good football coaches at small uncharismatic schools kicking the crap out of us, to allowing men's basketball, baseball, and football to erode into frustrating uselessness, getting paid like a boss while working from St Tropez, and just holding on long enough for his million dollar bonus payment, Deloss got it done in a big way this year. Three taco gongs during the national anthem for you, sir!

Jeff Madden.  I feel you.  You had this thing on lockdown for eight years running.  Get that nap game up to speed my man.  I don't do legacy awards.

BEST COMEDY IN GAME DRAMA Every Case McCoy throw outside the hash narrowly lost to anytime the sideline camera showed Mack Brown's eyes watering at the exact moment a game turned against us.  I'm amazed that Weepy Mack Brown isn't as big a meme as Peyton Manning's Forehead. Oh no, Weepy Mack Brown, Concussed David Ash is wandering near that construction zone.  Help him, Weepy Mack Brown!

SWEETEST SEASON MOMENT Texas- 36, OU- 20.  Ha ha!  Ha ha!  Ha ha!

SLIGHTLY LESS SWEET MOMENT OU to their 9th BCS bowl in 15 years under Stoops despite this OU team clearly sucking, Texas to Unranked, Irrelevant.  Ha ha?

LEGITIMATELY SOUR SEASON MOMENT The realization that the Longhorn turnaround was a simple function of scheduling and a feeble Big 12.  Play Baylor and Oklahoma State in succession right after BYU and Ole Miss and Mack Brown might have been Kiffined on the spot.

TEXAS TECH STILL CAN'T BEAT US EVEN WHEN WE'RE NOT GOOD AWARD Goes to Texas Tech.  Again.  Is there any school that misses the Aggies more?

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