Barking Carnival's Guide To Longhorn Sports Alternatives: LARPing

USA TODAY Sports

While our program goes through a correction cycle, it's time to find some new hobbies. This series shows you the very best ones.

Frustrated fans, while always remaining Longhorns true, must broaden their interests and avocations to find the fulfillment that Longhorn sports can no longer provide during this brief period of setbacks. During the John Mackovic years, I noticed I read a lot more. And many Longhorns took up scrap-booking during the McWilliams Era. Thus my explorative series to find alternative past-times to complement, but never replace, our beloved Longhorns. Some may criticize that because I've never done any of these things, I'm no expert, but that's the sort of negative talk I've come to expect from airline pilots, physicians, and nuclear engineers, and other areas in which I've dabbled.

Part I: LARPing


Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lighting bolt! The solitary, clapping maiden at the end is a nice touch.

LARPing - or Live Action Role Playing - is a great way to experience the outdoors, away from your cats, parents, and World of Warcraft chat room. And because it's fantasy, you always win! Instead of fighting exorbitant Longhorn ticket prices, Bellmont complacency, and an unending barrage of marketing messages, you can battle a bespectacled Dream Moth.

Oh, Dreeeeam Moth, I believe you can get me throughhhhh the niiight.


Aside from his +4 Hypnotic Terry Cloth Robe With Porridge Stains, the Dream Moth also has the social ability to cast a 15' sphere of +12 Vaginal Dryness, no saving throw.

There are many advantages to taking up LARPing:

Physical Domination. LARPers live in a world of vivid imagination and part of that is imagining themselves to be physically fit. Their fitness regimens consist mostly of 3 minutes of Youtube quarterstaff work followed by a prompt cardiac arrhythmia and the intake of massive amounts of simple carboyhdrates. Do you run a few miles 2-3 times a week, lift some weights, and occasionally play pick-up basketball? You'll be a LARPing demi-god. A sleek killing machine, both feared and admired. Imagine playing dodgeball with kindergartners. I don't have to - I'm in a Bay Area Tot league and I'll get back to dominating it as soon as this suspension gets ironed out. Parents coddle a little too much, IMHO.

Easy Inclusion. LARPers are accepting. If you can speak with a fruity, affected Madonna quasi-British accent, and chuckle knowingly while making finger tents, remarking, "My Dark Lords will be....most...pleased" you'll be considered a solid role performer. Occasionally, do something to amaze everyone, like a push-up, or speak to a woman with normal amounts of eye contact.

Sword Fights. Lady Longhorns - you know the bars that are basically sword fights? A target rich environment for you. This is an actual sword fight. Scores of men will physically battle to impress you for hours on end, for the right to have you leave with them on a public bus carrying their mail-order chain mail. Women often lament, "Where are the nice guys?" LARPing.

Drow Makes Blackface OK! Dark Elves are very popular in LARP-world. If you're moderately insensitive, or just like to indulge politically incorrect irony, LARPing offers you a community innocently unaware of the insulting ramifications of blackface. "Hello, what manner of creature are you?" "I am a Drow warrior, by the name of DeSean Silveroak. I seek my father: Ray-Ray Huxtable." You'll eventually be poisoned to death by your lead-based face paint, but it's still good times.

Indulge Your Imagination. Dream up dark tales of tragic woe as a means to flee the monotony of every day life. It's healthy and a great release from our everyday lives.

Here's a story I just came up with: Many years ago, a new king came to power and the kingdom flourished. But he would not change his ways, and could never conquer the jet-skiing barbarians across the great Red River. His advisors grew corrupt, he grew increasingly complacent and stubborn, and though the ruler's treasuries swelled, the common people starved for what they truly desired. Soon, jet-skiing barbarians had run amok over the kingdom, opening up their Applebees everywhere, while the king's glittering palace remained untouched, the king ignorant and unknowing, a mocking reminder to all who passed, as they fled the metastasizing darkness.

See? I'm already forgetting about Longhorn sports.

Next, in Part II, I explore being a Foodie...

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